Good morning from OYIT [April 6th Edition]

By Maddie

Happy Monday! For all of our readers who do not know how to read a calendar or who have a faulty memory—which is the majority of you—today is April 6th, 2008. As T.S. Eliot said, “April is the cruellest month, breeding/ Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing/ Memory and desire, stirring/ Dull roots with spring rain.” Doesn’t it feel great to be alive?


Today’s Weather:


Today’s Song:
Today’s song is “Where You’ll Find Me Now,” by Neutral Milk Hotel. This song is from On Avery Island—not In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, the short-lived band’s more popular album. Many of you may not know this, but On Avery Island has a lot of good songs too. Like “Where You’ll Find Me Now!” It contains the lyric, “Your teeth believe that teeth are for tearing/ Tear into me, the scent of you sweating smells good to me/ As long as we keep in our clothes,” which is erotic AND cannibalistic—the best of both worlds!

Today’s Words of Wisdom:

This may be a little controversial to some of our readers, but I’m with Paul. I have read the Constitution many times, and I don't recall reading ANYTHING about airplanes. I cannot even picture a scenario when allowing bayonets on airplanes would be a problem. If more people in this world were like Paul, we may have fewer smart people, but we’d also have fewer terrorists. I’ll let you decide which is more important.

Today’s Holiday:

As all of you know, today is the date Joseph Smith formed the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints, also known as the Mormon Church. Not only does this count as a holiday in my book, but it counts as the best holiday ever! Without the Mormon Church, who knows where this country might be (hint: a much better place). A fun way to celebrate: buy some of their fancy underwear and blow-off some of your Black friends for dinner.

Today’s Birthday:
While on the topic of religion—according to many scholars, today is the actual day that the Lord Jesus Christ, a prominent religious figure, was born. Happy birthday, Lord! Some other fun people celebrating birthdays today are Paul Rudd, actor; Candace Cameron, heart breaker; and Zach Braff, douche bag. A fun way to celebrate: sing your favorite worship lyrics over the Garden State soundtrack while masturbating to pictures of Candace and watching the 40 Year-Old Virgin. That’s how I celebrate, anyway. Enjoy!

7 comments:

  1. regarding the first sentence: it's actually 2009, 2008. sorry for that dirty trick! consider it my l8 april fool's prank!

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  2. Happy BDay Paul. I had chosen to ignore a world beyond In An Aeroplane... I was a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the bottom of the sea. But thanks to your mp3 link, I am now jazzed up and above surface. W2B. I earnestly tried to use that ragged claws line as a pick-up once, unsuccessfully. But at least it taught me not to be such a nerd in romantic endeavors.

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  3. that mormon underwear IS pretty hot, but in the summer, phew!
    and a happy birthday to jesus!

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  4. To celebrate Jesus' bday, I'm going to give myself stigmata.

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  5. Missouri kicked the Mormons out in the 1800s then Governor John Ashcroft apologized for it in the 1980s. FUN FACT.

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  6. Why did you call Candace Cameron a heartbreaker? And I heard a rumor this week's good morning posts were going to be 100% female.

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  7. because she is so beautiful she breaks hearts everywhere she goes. and because she broke my heart when i heard about her column at Christian Women Online. http://www.christianwomenonline.net/

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