Monday. Again.

By Maddie 

Good morning, OYIT readers. It's Monday again. If you're like me, you're home for the holidays. This means you're stuck at your parents' house all day because you don't have a driver's license and because you're in a city in which you have no friends. I hope you're not like me, because this has been the most boring period of my life, with the exception of the time I watched The English Patient, Cold Mountain, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button back-to-back. I was hoping the bucket list I mentioned last week would keep me busy, but I "accidentally" took meth (#21) and ended up doing my whole list in one day.

It's Spelled F-L-Y

Today's song is "Human Fly" by the Cramps. It's about--you guessed it!--being a human fly. I have no idea why I like this song so much. All I know is that when I listen to it I feel like a bad person in the best of ways.

Something I Just Learned When Googling "December 28th" So I Could Write About Something Topical

Today is the fourth day of Christmas! What the fuck? I knew there were 12 days of Christmas, but I always assumed December 25th marked the end of these days and not the beginning. Contrary to what my family may tell you, I don't hate the holiday. It's fun to get gifts, hang out with relatives, and end the night in tears. But I think I speak for everyone except maybe the creeps who went to the midnight showing of A Christmas Carol: An IMAX 3D Experience when I say I'm usually sick of it by around December 9th.

Something I Also Learned When Googling "December 28th"

Jerry Orbach died on this day in 2004. Five years ago, I was a high schooler who didn't have a driver's license in a city in which I had no friends (How times have changed!). Except for Jerry. Law and Order kept me company on those nights my peers were sneaking out, drinking Natty Lite, and giving blow jobs in bathrooms at basement parties. RIP.

I'm finishing writing this as I finish watching the Sex and the City movie for the 37th time. Earlier, I played solitaire as my aunt and mother gave their critiques of Clear and Present Danger. This is rock bottom, friends, and it's only going to get worse next week. I'll talk to you then.


  1. Everything about this post made me sad, except the idea of teens doing all those things you described back in 2004.

  2. When I moved my mouse over the highlighted word "Learn" an ad popped up that said:
    '100% Free Sports
    Talk, buy, sell, trade 100% free'

    That made MY day. Also thanks for writing a good GM!

  3. Why are you so anti-blowjob and Natural Light. Not all of us can afford MGD. Plus Natural Light is now passe, the kids drink Miller High Life b/c it makes them think they're drinking champagne, but really they're drinking a disgusting beer that is sort of sweet.

  4. yeah, the 12 days of christmas timeline always confuses me, too. if i look back to my brief catholic education, i think i remember that the 12 days ends in epiphany, which is the day when the wise men supposedly made it to the supposed manger to gift their incense and shit to the supposed baby lord. right? right? are there any theologians on this site?