Maddie's Favorite Posts from 2009

By Maddie 

I first heard about this incarnation of OYIT a year ago today, on January 5th, 2009. Here is a record of the exact moment my life changed forever:

me: what is this
Glenn: just read it
12:10 AM I'll answer your questions later
me: i read it
who is jake
Glenn: it's exactly what it looks like
me: why is it there

I don't remember everything that was posted at that point, but I know some of it was later deleted--like a transcript of a conversation Jake and Glenn had about Glenn "friending" Jake's brother on Facebook, a popular website amongst teens, young adults, and creepy older relatives, while Jake was away from his computer because he was going to the bathroom.

When I read OYIT on that January night, I was a fourteen-year-old girl with little to no self-esteem. Then I wrote my first article, Tim McGraw, I Love (Hate) You, and never looked back (technically, I stopped writing for at least a month after that, but I can't divulge due to legal reasons). Today, I am a 32-year-old woman so confident in myself that last weekend I went to a bar topless, made out with three girls, and let a man wearing a "Live Free or Die" T-shirt take shots off my stomach. Whether or not this has more to do with the crippling depression this website has given me is something to be debated at a later time (maybe next week, Glenn and Jake?). You also may be wondering how I aged 18 years in the span of 365 days, but let's not get into semantics. The point is that I love OYIT more than I love my own children (okay, you caught me. I don't "have" any children. Again with the semantics!). Here are some of my favorite articles:

Article: Best Popular Song: Cryin'
Author: Glenn
Date: 1/09/09
Favorite Line: "She gives her boyfriend the middle finger but it's nothing like the middle finger I'm giving you right now as I type this."

I love this and don't have a real reason why, other than that it's funny. You're going to be hearing that a lot. It's hard to explain why something is funny. What makes something funny is funny people, and Glenn is one of them.

Article: Dear God
Author: Jake
Date: 1/27/09
Favorite Line: "Hopefully you won't take this too hard."

Jake is one of them too, and this is one of his best articles. The premise--breaking up with God in the same way you'd break up with your 10th grade girlfriend, Janet--is great, but Jake's hilarity makes it enjoyable for atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, Catholics, Evangelicals, devout Muslims (Sunnis AND Shiites), and Orthodox Jews alike. The jury is still out on what it does for Mormons and agnostics.

Article: You Might Be A Redneck If...
Author: Bub
Date: ??
Favorite Line: "If you are a burn victim."

This was one of the first Bub articles I ever read, and it's still one of my favorites. I think the reason is pretty clear: it's fucking hilarious. Bub is fucking hilarious! I would pay $27.34 (the cash I have on me) to see him read this in front of Jeff Foxworthy's audience.

Article: Is 4 Minutes Enough for Love?: A Speed Dating Essay
Author: Glenn
Date: 2/19/09
Favorite Line: "Some questions made sense, like 'What is your favorite horse?' and 'What did you get on the ACT?' but others seemed oddly invasive, such as 'Are you able to achieve climax in a room full of strangers?' I wouldn't get a chance to use any of the conversation starters because I never had an awkward moment (besides the climax) nor did I ever ask a question, period."

It was hard to pick a favorite part of this because it's all great. As I mentioned earlier, Glenn is so funny. If you don't think so you should kill yourself because you probably don't experience laughter--the best part of living, besides watching the West Wing--very often.

Article: Life With Mikey
Author: Mikey
Date: 3/11/09
Favorite Line: "I'd like to nominate Judas Iscariot for the worst person who ever lived."

I laugh so hard reading Life with Mikey every week without fail (I mean that word in the standard "definition of the word" type of way, not in the way people on the Internet use it), so I'm not sure if this is really my favorite. I picked it because it has the best Mikey line to date. He is dumb, offensive, and probably autistic, but I still love him.

Article: Hi Katy
Author: Katy
Date: 6/03/09
Favorite Line: "Take the proper stance; feet spread slightly more than shoulder length apart, mildly bent at the knees arms up, rotate the bat a few times (because it feels cool) and look at that pitcher like you're going to rape his family."

Like Life with Mikey, it was hard to pick a "favorite" Hi Katy. I picked this one because I remember the line I referenced made me laugh pretty loudly. Listen, readers: I know Hi Katy is usually pretty long, and I know words are scary, but it is always worth your time.

Article: Help Me Get Organized!
Author: Heather Joy
Date: 6/24/09
Favorite Line: "O.F.I. (Organization for Infanticide): You ever notice how all organizations seem to always be AGAINST something? Can we try to be a little constructive for once?!"

This is my favorite article by Heather Joy. I hope people read it/re-read it now. I don't know where she went, but I miss her posts.

Article: KIND ATTENTION (Partnership Request Follow-Up [SB Vol. 4])
Author: Mr. Patrick Chan and Bub
Date: 9/24/09
Favorite Line: "Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me."

Okay, so my favorite line comes from Mr. Chan, but all of Bub's were great too. Scam Bait is my favorite new feature and I can't wait to read more in the future.

Article: Should Jake Listen to the new Kottonmouth Kings Album?
Author: Glenn and Jake
Date: 11/06/09
Favorite Line: "Let's not turn this into another Jake rant against Blind Melon."

I picked this debate because it is a perfect example of why the Glenn/Jake dynamic works so well for me. My favorite of their debates are ones that mention high school, Sue, wrestling, or Blind Melon.

I know I'm forgetting a ton of stuff that I loved, but it would take too long to re-read the 500+ posts OYIT has accumulated (and I didn't include GMs, even though there have been some great ones by Kaleena, Nate, Gary, and Ingrid). I hope these articles made you laugh. They were written by very funny people.


  1. I didn't choose a Hi Katy article on my best of because they are so long. I love them, but I just don't want to sit and read all of them to determine which is the best. Also, I wrote most of the questions for Hi Katy. Since it's no longer around I might as well let the cat out of the bag.

  2. You stole 5 of my favorites: Best Popular Song Cryin', Dear God, Is 4 Minutes Enough for Love? Life With Mikey #1, Hi Katy #1 and Help Me Get Organized. Thank you for that!

  3. First of all, I'm not afraid to admit that when I read that line from Hi Katy I lol'ed for at least 2 minutes. I had no idea I had written that. Perhaps I didn't.

    Second, Jake, we JUST discussed bringing Hi Katy back when I'm finished with my major science projects so that I may pass science and never take science again. Why did you just ruin the world.

    Third, Maddie, I love you.

  4. I thought you were doing a new article. Oh well, it's not like most people will read this and remember it or care.

  5. I wonder if people even read the comments. I usually don't when I go to blogs.