Warning: the following post contains extremely graphic violence and nudity

By Maddie 

Good morning, readers! Last night, I watched the much-talked about Dutch horror film Human Centipede (First Sequence). Surprisingly, it's pretty boring -- none of the good (a.k.a. human centipede-y) stuff happens until the movie is approaching its middle, and even then, it's not as graphic as I was hoping it would be. Having said that, I'm saving any real judgment until I see Human Centipede (Full Sequence). Give it a watch if you're into extremely fucked up shit and/or crazy men screaming in German.

World Cup???
Speaking of the Dutch, they will join Spain in the World Cup finals on Sunday. I know what you're thinking -- um, excuse me? The World Cup still exists? When I discovered this yesterday morning, I was as shocked as when I found out that Dan Inouye is running for re-election (people his age shouldn't even be alive, let alone chairing appropriations committees).

Knowing nothing about soccer aside from how much I hated playing it as a child, I've compiled this guide to picking the best team so you can impress your friends by winning the office pool.

Reasons to root for the Netherlands:
- Anne Frank
- tall people
- euthanasia
- Rembrandt
- cool shoes

Reasons to root for Spain:
- upside down question marks
- Mar Adentro
- late dinners
- Flamenco dancers
- being the closest country to Africa

Reasons to root against the Netherlands:
- The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Reasons to root against Spain:
- gazpacho

I still haven't decided who I want to win. I'll probably go with whichever team has the player with the most heart wrenching rags-to-riches story.

Song for the Rapture

After all of that traumatic Human Centipede and World Cup talk, how about we take it easy and listen to an upbeat tune about war? I could watch this video 374 times in a row and still ask to watch it again. When the Rapture comes, I hope to be surrounded by close friends, eating potatoes, and singing this song. See you there!

8 comments:

  1. I'm rooting for the Netherlands because I think height is the most powerful tool of intimidation. I use it all the time.

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  2. I LOVE The Band doing that song (in spite of my repulsion from Confederate nostalgia)! That and Rocking Chair are two of my favorite songs in the world.

    Human Centipede sounds like a snuff film.

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  3. What does the Human Centipede (First Sequence) have to do with Dutch? No one was Dutch! They were in fucking Germany.

    I hated that film. A review will be forthcoming.

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  4. haha, oops, typo -- change dutch to german (i guess and/or japanese)when i mention screaming. it has to do with the dutch bc it's a DUTCH film, doofus!

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  5. I'll eat potatoes with you, Maddie!

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  6. When you and Maddie are connected through a human centipede, anything she eats you will as a rule eat too.

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  7. Forming a human centipede with somebody is a serious commitment, even beyond that of marriage. I bet America will not allow homosexuals to form human centipedes either. Land of the free indeed.

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  8. Gosh, I just watched that video four times in a row. Only 370 left to go!!

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