Our Take with Maddie and Jake: Fast Food and Bullying

By Maddie and Jake

In Our Take with Maddie and Jake, we will be giving our semi-professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Hulk Hogan's back surgery. We're just like the ladies of "The View," but with less self-loathing.

Issue # 1: Fast Food

Maddie: I'm a vegetarian, so unfortunately this doesn’t affect me as much as the average meat consumer. The only fast food chain I’m aware of that sells veggie burgers is Burger King, which I eat on occasion, and I still get McDonald’s fries or a Wendy’s frosty when the opportunity presents itself (BTW can we get a new abbreviation for vegetables? Every time I say veggie I hate myself just a little bit more). Not to mention many a drunk night ending with a regrettable text or two (or “three” or “four” or “fifteen calls in a row”) and a Crunch Wrap Supreme® (no meat, no beans). Yeah, it's bad for me, but so are a lot of the things I do: choosing the elevator over the stairs, taking shots of vodka, watching three consecutive hours of “Say Yes to the Dress” on Netflix. Like sun exposure or barbiturates, I think fast food is fine in moderation...but considering I just admitted to watching three consecutive hours of “Say Yes to the Dress” on Netflix, you should probably get your advice from someone else.

Jake: As a person who cooks nearly every meal they eat and a pescatarian, I am firmly against eating fast food. It is not only unhealthy, but it tastes fairly terrible. If I wanted to ingest that much oil, I would have flown to the Gulf of Mexico and attached my mouth to the Deepwater Horizon oil leak back when it was gushing for 112 days or tried out for Mark Wahlberg's part in the stage adaptation of Three Kings. I do not want some 16-year-old cutter making my dinner.

Why is everybody always in such a hurry? Now even food has to be fast? Maybe fast food is for the Sammy Hagar types who cannot drive 55. Maybe I should not even bother to speculate on the patronage of Wendy's or Checkers. If you think about it, where does it get me in life? Practically nowhere, besides leading to an existentialist bit in the middle of making a point about fast food being gross/bad.

How is driving to a dirty restaurant and driving home easier than taking the 20 minutes it would take to make a hamburger yourself? Is it just because you do not have to do any planning or dishes? I have not had fast food in well over a year, and the number of times I have had it in the last five years can be counted on one hand. It is greasy, smelly and it is somewhat expensive for the low quality it tends to be. I feel like a lot of the customer base at fast food eateries might be stupid people. If that is the case maybe it is better that they are eating low quality, fatty foods and dying more rapidly. We need population control and for some reason we are not adopting China's great system.

Issue # 2: Bullying

Maddie: Rule of thumb: people are assholes. This is why bullying has always been a problem in schools, but with the recent suicides of numerous gay teens, it's been given a lot more attention of late: Secretary of Sate Hillary Clinton, Ellen, and this guy (WARNING: only watch if you want to sob uncontrollably) have all urged LGBTQ youth to wait it out, promising that things will get better.

When reading about this issue, as always, I asked myself, "What’s Justin Bieber’s take?" Turns out, not so into anti-gay bullying, either! I think he was called a slur over the weekend (I say “I think” because every time I try to read any kind of coverage on him my brain shuts down), so now he’s going to speak out against the disturbing trend.

Surprisingly, after being repeatedly told by their country that they are not good enough to serve in the military or marry the people they love, gay teenagers somehow got the impression that they aren’t as valuable as their straight counterparts. It’s almost as if your country denying you basic human rights affects your self esteem! Teen bullies hold some of the blame, but America, you’re on notice, too. You are the real bully -- the awful blonde from homeroom who pops his collar and listens to Staind -- and you’re a total, total asshole.

Jake: Bullying has gotten a bad rap ever since those scamps killed a bunch of people at Columbine High School. Not only were these kids bullied, but they turned the tables and did some bullying of their own using firearms and bullets.

I remember a time when I was a child where bullies could get away with everything. Bullies went from the young boy in tattered rags, barking orders in a thick Brooklyn accent and socking nerds in the nose for being too smart. This is just not the case anymore. The modern bully will infiltrate your life, both real and online. He will "flame" you on the Saddlecreek message board. He will conspire with other bullies from other areas to pull a ruse that leads to your suicide. Modern bullies get into your head and that's what makes them so dangerous. They are like fucking Freddy Krueger.

Bullying has become an epidemic, according to the overly sensationalized news. Do they offer any solutions? Of course not. There is no solution. Have fun being bullied!


  1. Do people still listen to Staind? I wouldn't know because I have never listend to them.

    I'm glad that Maddie has put America on notice. If she put me on notice I would buckle down and fly right. I assume that America will do the same.

  2. There is a solution to bullying. I just don't know what it is yet.

  3. I've got it - stop teaching passive acceptance as a viable option and teach the gays and nerds how to instantly kill their verbal oponant with real-ass krav maga.

  4. also, though I'm against fast-food myself, it does give really desperate people a way to find one another. (The following is possibly a real conversation).
    "Hey...McDonald's for dinner?"
    "Yeah. You?"
    "Yeah. Want to take it back to my place?"
    "Nah, too far. Let's just eat here and fuck in the bathroom."