Our Take with Maddie and Jake: Flu Shots and Gchat Statuses

By Maddie and Jake 

In Our Take with Maddie and Jake, we give our semi-professional opinions on the most pressing, hot button issues of the day, from politics to religion to Vince Foster's murder and subsequent cover-up. We're just like the ladies of "The View," but with less self-loathing.

Issue # 1: Flu Shots

Maddie: I totally support flu shots, if only because anti-vaccine lunatics annoy me more than ironic facial hair or people who stand on escalators. I read an article yesterday about how fewer children are getting vaccinated because their parents think it leads to autism, even though, you know, there's no proven link between vaccines and autism. Way to go, parents. NOT! Are you morons?? Maybe don't get your medical advice from someone who starred in BASEketball? I wanted to get a feel for how this issue was affecting my generation, so I texted a few friends for a quick "flu shot" survey, which produced the following results: "Um, Maddie?" "I need one," "I don't care," and "Are you drunk?"

Now, I'm no doctor, but I DO know how to read. This is great because it allows me to learn important things from professionals who are much smarter than I am. And guess what these science-y people say? To get the flu shot! I mean, basic logic tells me they probably sorta work or else we'd all be dead by now, no? Not that I'm speaking from experience. I am far too lazy to get one myself.

Jake: Getting a case of influenza is less desirable than receiving a case of Diet Squirt, yet each year millions of Americans suffer from cases of the flu and Diet Squirt. One can make the argument that getting a flu shot is a good way to avoid catching the disease. I disagree. As a person on skid row, the flu shots I am able to receive are nothing more than sugar water. As a diet soda enthusiast, I am not interested in that. Even if you are a millionaire, the flu shots you receive are only for three common strains of influenza. So even if you get the shot, you are not guaranteed complete flu protection.

When I was 9 or 10, I received several inoculations, one of which was for the mumps. Guess what happened: I got the goddamn mumps. That was awful. I missed trick-or-treating and my face swelled up. While my face has healed nicely, I feel like my soul has never fully recovered. I do not want this to happen to me or my family. And I would never spend money on getting an injection, which is why I always smoke heroin.

I do not think that you will become autistic if you get an inoculation, but if there is an air bubble in the needle you could have a stroke.

Issue # 2: Gchat Statuses

Maddie: Ah, Gchat statuses: a place to share links, spout wisdom, and post cries for help. Your tagline says a lot about you, so really think it through before you go pasting passages from Mein Kampf or quoting John Mayer. A basic guide: Cryptic music lyrics? "I'm sad." A picture of a cat wearing sunglasses? "I'm quirky!!!" A link to the New York Review of Books? "Yeah, I read important pieces of journalism. Why? What have you heard?"

A little off topic, but I have to ask: who wrote the default statuses on iChat? It was invented in 2002, so how did "Surfing the web" make the cut? Who did they consult, my grandmother? Andy Rooney? The oldest person in existence? Has anyone even uttered that phrase post-1997ish? And "Reading my email"? Really? You might as well make your status "Hi I'm older than 45."

Jake: As a person who is well under 45, I use Gmail and not Yahoo or Hotmail. One of the best things about Gmail is that it has instant messaging built right into it. As if that was not enough (and it practically is), the instant messaging gives you the ability to post statuses for all of your contacts to see. This is really the icing on the cake or the gravy on the poutine.

Chat statuses are like Facebook status updates, but you do not have to visit any websites besides your email (and One Year in Texas, of course). What I like to do is to plug a second monitor into my computer, put OYIT up on one monitor and my email on the other. Then I can copy my favorite quotes from this website and post them as my Gchat status. When nobody comments on my status, I then feel as bad as when nobody comments on my articles on this website. It would only take you one minute to comment, which is the same amount of time that it would take you to write a new Gchat status.

7 comments:

  1. Two things: 1) Maddie using "NOT!" to turn a previous statement on its head was very surprising to me.
    2) This statement: "Who did they consult, my grandmother? Andy Rooney? The oldest person in existence?"
    Andy Rooney is the oldest person in existence.

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  2. Andy Rooney is also Maddie's grandmother. So, really, Maddie wasn't trying very hard AT ALL with that reference.

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  3. i was just defining him in three different ways for clarity.

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  4. Maddie, you can't define Andy Rooney. No one can. NO ONE.

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  5. I haven't heard someone use NOT unironically since Wayne's World 2 came out.

    Sometimes I just put cool music lyrics on my gchat even when I'm NOT sad.

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  6. I am sorely disappointed to find out that the internet cannot yet pull up the face of a person you are thinking of just by the sound of their voice.

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  7. Kaleena, you are responding to something I said to you in real life, not in the article!

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