World AIDS Day

By Glenn

Happy World AIDS Day!  Every year on December 1st, we think about our experience with AIDS.  This could be personal contraction or simply viewing a television/movie character who battles the disease, like in the Philadelphia Story. The day was first established in 1987 and yearly US Presidential proclamations began in 1995 by Bill Clinton, the only American President to ever have contracted HIV. World AIDS Day is now the longest-running disease awareness and prevention initiative of its kind in the history of public health, beating out even Regional Polio Awareness Day (1935-1956) and UTI Week (2002-2003).

The theme of the last five years has been "Stop AIDS - Keep the Promise."  The countries of the world (both recognized like Republic of South Sudan and unrecognized like Palestine and Western Sahara) have pledged what is needed to rid the world of AIDS, but they must follow through on their commitments.  The European Union, for example, has pledged over 3 trillion dollars to fight the epidemic and US pop star Bon Iver has pledged 3 new singles.

This year the new theme of "Getting to Zero" begins, as a team of Israeli-trained assassinations spread out over to the globe to eliminate all HIV/AIDS positive persons.  This new method of thinking was controversial at first, but nowhere near the level of 1994's "AIDS and the Family" theme that encouraged all members of an immediate family to contract the disease after the first person was diagnosed.  In the short term it drove up infection rates in the Western world but in the long term allowed families to grow a lot closer.

I would be remiss if I lavished all this attention on World AIDS Day without giving any recognition to AIDS itself, the disease that made this possible!  AIDS, come on up and accept your award for all the hard work you've done to make this day so necessary.

Thank you so much for this recognition!  From the day I was created in a CIA lab, I've worked very hard to infect and kill people - first starting with flight attendants and homosexuals, then expanding to women, children and basketball players.  It's been a wild ride, but I wouldn't be here without some very important figures in my life.

First of all, I want to thank Ronald Reagan.  Most other US Presidents would have spoken out loudly when I first began spreading across the US or at least proportioned more federal money to fight me, but Ronnie didn't.  His silence kept a lot of people in the dark about who I was or how I moved around and this let me really spread my wings.  I also want to thank the Catholic Church.  Many groups have stood opposed to condoms and other contraception but no one has the courage or influence to really fight them quite like the Catholics.  Condoms stop me from finding new hosts, but social conservatives are right there to pull them off of an erect penis and guide me on my way.

Thank you AIDS and thank you World AIDS Day!  Hopefully after 2015 (the final year for the "Getting to Zero" campaign seeking to end AIDS as we know it) we can go back to celebrating December 1st as the anniversary of the first Vietnam War draft lottery.  That was a much better way to watch innocent people senselessly die.

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Good Morning Ryan White

By Glenn

Good morning. Did you enjoy my April Fool's Day column from last week? There weren't many comments, so I was just wondering. Today is not April Fool's day or any other day where you play tricks on people. It's a very special day that I will address after the weather. The weather played a very special trick on me recently, giving me a sunburn on my face and legs. As the skin peels off I feel a little like a reverse Buffalo Bill, but there's one big difference between him and me: I'm not a murderer.

[There are actually a few differences, but we'll get into those later.]



Today's Weather
I'm traveling to Seattle today, which is a place known for rain, bizarrely reelecting Dave Reichert to Congress and the grunge music scene. While former Sheriff Reichert saved the area from the Green River killer, the grunge music scene saved music. The rain in Seattle is so famous for allowing both of these things to happen. I can only imagine the forecast for today in Seattle: cloudy, rainy with a 65% chance of being murdered by your wife.


Today's Anniversary

Twenty years ago today Ryan White died from complications related to AIDS (or as it used to be known in the 1980s: GRID). For those of you in the younger generation you may not remember Ryan and what he represented. He was the first child to ever contract AIDS and the only one to live through it - at least until the point he died. Before him, people thought HIV/AIDS were a curse against our nation's homosexuals. Did I say people? Because I meant homophobes and right-wing idiots. In the same way conservatives reject science that doesn't conform to their view of the world now, people in the 1980s couldn't grasp that simply going to school with Ryan White or sharing a milkshake with him wouldn't transmit AIDS. His parents had to sue their school to get him let back in but moved anyway by eighth grade. His mother stated that people on the street would yell "we know you're a queer!" to her middle school aged son.

Today should be a day to remember Ryan White, AIDS victims across the world (especially Africa) and how bigoted and ignorant the people of Indiana are. When I read the wikipedia article about Ryan before writing this, I was emotionally moved reading about his death, and furious when reading about his treatment in life. He took his condition and made himself a national spokesman for the issue. How many of us can say the same for ourselves? I know I can't, but I want to. At this moment, on this anniversary, I hereby declare a desire to contract HIV today so that I may follow in Ryan's footsteps. Call me a bug catcher, but make sure you do it in the same breath as you call me a hero. After today, I will not be dying of AIDS. I will be living of AIDS.

Today's Prediction
I will contract HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) while in Seattle. Pearl Jam will hear about it and play a benefit concert for me, including such rarely played tracks as "W.M.A." and "hey foxymophandlemama, that's me." At the concert, the Green River killer - freed from jail after key eyewitness Courtney Love recants her testimony - will announce his campaign for Congress in 2010 against Dave Reichert, trying to finish what Darcy Burner never could. On Election Day, however, he will only pull in 34% of my vote. This will be the same as my last T-cell count before I pass away in my sleep that night, knowing that Dave Reichert remains in Congress and can continue to frame Gary Ridgeway for his crimes.

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World's Greatest Grandpa

By Brad

He bursts through the door, hands in air, yelling "where's my kiddies at?". Huckleberry and Susan run out of their playroom with grins from ear to ear. "Grandpa, where have you been?!? We have missed you sooo much!" says Huck. "Well.......I had to leave on a trip, but I am back now, no need to worry!" replied Pappy. Pappy kneels down on his left knee to give his two favorite grand kids a big ole' hug. "Now stay away from my right knee kids, you know how sore it gets on cold days like these." Pappy had 2 screws and a pin in his right knee from a Nazi grenade blast that almost took his life on D-Day.


"Huckleberry, where did you get that shiner from?" Asked Pappy in a Grandpa like tone. "I got it from Lou Gerhig, the school bully, he punched me in the eye for calling him a boner." "That son-of-a-bitch!" Exclaimed Pappy. "He's gonna fuckin' get it, just like I gave it to Hitler back in '43." Pappy stormed out of the house in a blind rage, hopped in his Lebaron, and sped off without even a goodbye to his two beloved kiddies.

Pappy pulled up to his double wide with a screetch of the tires. He climbed out of his car, and headed inside to his bedroom closet. He pulled out his vintage M1 Carbine. "Where the fuck did I put my bayonet?" He said with a crackling voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the sparkle of his highly shined bayonet. "Sweet, sweet baby, I've been waiting for this day" said Pappy. He attached the bayonet to the end of his M1 Carbine, and headed towards the door.

Mid-Monday, after a hard night of drinking and calculation, Pappy arrives at Horris Grant Elementary School, on the southside of Kentuckytown. He takes a large swig of his Cabo Wabo Tequila, Produced by the rocker Sammy Hagar, and heads toward the cafeteria doors. Pappy busts through the double doors and yells "Lou Gehrig, where the fuck are ya!" The Cafeteria goes silent as 124 puzzled school children look Pappy's way.

A young girl explodes from the bullet of the M1 Carbine. Pappy yells "Who's Next?" reminiscent of Stone Cold Steve Austin's rebel yell. Pappy takes a stab with his bayonet at a tramatized 6 year old, who has spilled his orange juice down the front of his new white shirt. The bayonet rips through his neck, shooting blood onto Pappy's trousers. By now, the children have realized what is happening, and their screams fill the cafeteria.

Pappy awakens in a pool of piss on the floor of his trailer. Shaking and trembling, Pappy realizes what he did to those school children during World War 2 was a crime and not just "War". George Bush arrives in Kentuckytown in Air Force 1 and gives Pappy a pat on the back, and with a twinkle in his eye says "You truely are the World's Greatest Grandpa."

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