RIP David Bowie (One Year Anniversary)

By Glenn

The last thing this rotten world needs is another David Bowie memorial with a "personal twist," but it's all I have to give. He died a year ago today.



The above four pictures are the oldest ones I can find saved on my computer (evidence below) and they raise the following three questions:

  1. Why do I have seemingly random pictures of Bowie on my hard drive that haven't been opened in ~15 years?
  2. Why do, on further inspection, the pictures perfectly encapsulate his four major periods of creative excellence?
  3. Why am I still using the same computer that I was at the turn of the century?
Answer to all: David Bowie was my gateway to a new world of music.




There is no great victory in being into the music of the present era. In the late 90s for me that meant some combination of rock, alternative rock and grunge rock. I simply didn't listen to anything that was popular before "my time." While we could blame many players for this cultural deficit - my parents, my friends, Tipper Gore - the point is that my ignorance of music was holding me back. I lost an election for class president based on tired references to nu metal and killed myself in front of my English class because my favorite music video of all time was Pearl Jam's Jeremy. 

My much more learned and culturally adventurous friend Bryan didn't have these problems and it was through his suggestions that I got into David Bowie. Using money I stole from my fast food job, I bought 1999's ...hours and 1972's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars on CD from Best Buy.  I remember earnestly and passionately watching the Thursday's Child music video on VH1 (internet did not yet exist) and blasting Moonage Daydream from my Sony Discman on my grandma's couch. History will ultimately judge which album is better but it didn't take long for me to get hooked.

1999-2000 was not Bowie's "coolest" period but he was still cooler than me - and had a vast mythology and discography that hinted at something deeper my favorite bands of the alternative rock era. His back catalog had recently been rereleased on Virgin and I spent the next few years searching out these and rarer versions - the rarest being two RCA releases from the early 80s that sounded like complete shit but looked different and may sell for as much as $50 now on the CD black market. Later in life I randomly won an auction that included a rare version of the All Saints instrumental collection that is apparently worth hundreds of dollars. Still haven't sold it.

Alas, I am not here to brag about how many cool CDs I own. The point is for the first time in my life I was discovering that older music had just as much to offer as modern music - if not more! I started to make the connections between Beck's Mellow Gold-Odelay-Mutations-Midnite Vulture transformation and Bowie's Man Who Sold The World-Hunky Dory-Diamond Dogs-Young Americans roller coaster ride. Apparently music history can repeat itself, at least amongst devoted Scientologists.

Bowie had all the same periods all of us young men go through:
  1. Faux folk
  2. Weird spaceman
  3. Sensitive poet
  4. REALLY weird spaceman
  5. Pale weirdo
  6. Orwell obsessive
  7. Soul singer
  8. Coked out Nazi
  9. Weird Nazi
  10. Sell out
I devoured Bowie's 1970's output the way he devoured cocaine in the middle of the decade. Young Americans was the first soul record I owned and Station to Station was the first ten minute song I heard about this wonderful drug. I cannot count the number of times I've screamed-sung aloud to Side A of "Heroes" - including, but not limited to, the title track, which is rightly acknowledged as the 2nd best song ever written about the Berlin Wall.  

At the same time I was going through the back catalog I was trying to update myself on "current" Bowie: 90s albums with mediocre songs and and extraordinary names like 1.Outside and Eart hl i ng. I followed him as far as 2002's Heathen before I decided Bowie's older stuff was good enough for me and instead began exploring his peers and predecessors. Over the next decade, I caught up with the few "good" Bowie albums I still hadn't heard but in general left him alone. He returned the favor: after 2003's Reality he basically disappeared from the music world for a decade before releasing The Next Day. I heard the singles from the album and liked them so bought the album and filed it away for later listening. Yes, he was back but still an old man making music, like Neil Young or Bob Dylan. Who rushes out to hear their current stuff?

And then, a few days after 2016's ★ was released, he fucking died. I can't say that I sat there weeping but for the first music legend death in my adult life, I understood those who did. I rushed to order Blackstar before the inevitable post-humous price gouging began on Bowie's catalog and floated through the next few days, listening to his back catalog and trying to figure out why it couldn't have been me instead of him. 

David Bowie was not a perfect man nor was he a perfect musician. He released some absolute shit in his career and honestly I doubt I'll ever go back through and take the time to learn his worst albums when I still haven't heard things like Blood on the Tracks or Double Fantasy. Would I have gotten into artists like Lennon and Dylan without going through Bowie first? Probably, but because he was first I'll always feel the deepest connection to his music, his weird endeavors with the internet, his ambiguous sexuality, his wacky personas and all of the other stuff that makes someone larger than life. If you want to talk more about best saxophone solos in his catalog, just let me know. 

Glenn's 2017 New Years Resolutions

By Glenn

Making resolutions for the upcoming year is, like voting, something we do to assert control in our unstable and uncertain lives. Many times this is the right choice and things actually change for the better. I did not make substantive resolutions in 2016 and the year was a disaster. Compare this to a wonderful year like 2014 where I strongly resolved to stop eating candy and cookies, which led to Robin Williams finally killing himself. It's too late to consider reviewing the material of two years ago so let's assume it all went as planned and dive right into 2017.

Add fruit snacks and yogurt to my banned food list
Like anyone else battling an eating disorder (vegetarianism), I find control from and define my identity by what I put into my mouth. Over the last three years I have successfully cut cookies and candy, as your brain can conceive of it, out of my diet. But like a river finding a new path around a dike, my sweet tooth forced alternate methods of satiation. Have you ever snorted Stevia? Anyway, this dietary whack-a-mole has forced me to add fruit snacks (or essentially any "non-candy" hiding in the candy aisle) and frozen yogurt to the banned foods list.

Take two concrete steps to learn more Spanish
¿Hablas español? I don't, as evidenced by the fact I used the very casual tü format in that question and then incorrectly used an umlaut instead of an accent when trying to explain my mistake. I do however have a background in studying the language and a very real need to get myself back up to a level where I can at least buy drugs or explain why all JJ Abrams creations produce existential disappointment. Taking a class is also a great way to meet friends!

Have a Dave Matthews Band Renaissance
I could have put a different artists in this slot (as there will be multiple renaissances this year) but since this list is online I want to follow the standard online playbook: say something in the most controversial way you can and then slowly walk your audience through unpacking it afterward. In the pretend vision of my social world, getting unironically back into DMB is only a step or two below ironically re-joining ISIS. But I want to be one of those people who loses hang-ups and biases as I get older instead of the people whose world view and interests solidify like the stone monuments I never helped ISIS destroy. So this year I will become a "Davehead" and listen to more sweet ass jams.

No more solitary games
...And I don't just mean solitaire! (Though I certainly mean that.) Whether on the phone or computer, I find myself going through distinct and powerful phases of filling boredom/dread/whatever with games. I'm not officially a gamer, but at one point a few years ago I played Euchre on my phone for a few hours straight! Most recently, I regressed during a trip to visit my parents by getting back into early high school favorite Warcraft 2. This resolution wouldn't be needed if I could leave this shameful the activity there (like my kids) or relegate it only to weekends (like my other kids), but I don't have that level of self control.

Watch a non-TV movie once a week
You: "Glenn you watch movies all the time! Feels like every time I open my AtHome app, I see you on that couch with a cold beer staring at the screen with that dead look in your eyes. Why would you possibly need to make a resolution about watching MORE movies on TV?"
Me: "Hear me out. First of all, the movies don't have to be on TV - they could also be in the theatre. Second of all, the movies I'm watching on my very limited cable package are usually terrible Hallmark or Lifetime productions. I watch them because they're on. By setting this goal, I'll be forced to intentionally choose something hopefully more highbrow - and I can use my new Letterboxd app to track it! Third of all, I hope you enjoyed what I did on Tuesday night. It was for you."

Thanks for reading. Let's check in at the middle of the year to see how everything is going. Below are some things that might help you out as you plan your 2017 resolutions:

How to Make Friends Faster

7 Simple Rules for Getting Lean in 2017
Old habits die hard. Here's how to change your life in 2017
To Live Remarkably, Repeat This 1 Affirmation Every Single Day for the Rest of Your Life
What a Sensory Isolation Tank Taught Me About My Brain
Play Warcraft 2 Online

The Singularity

By Jake Merch

Nobody will argue with you when you say that the singularity is imminent. Sure, you might be standing on a milk crate on a corner downtown, using a makeshift megaphone made out of newspaper you pulled out of a trashcan to preach. And sure, to most people that might wreak of insanity. Yet, that does not make the points you're barking invalid. It just makes them louder. And it makes people avoid eye contact with you, although that is a sign of autism spectrum disorder.


The singularity-- the moment when machines become more intelligent than humans-- is coming folks. That seems impossible, right? Surely there is no indicator of human idiocy. There's not a troll running for president tricking people into voting for him through hypnotically terrible hair and hate speech lifted directly from Adolf Hitler (a notorious jerk). Clearly, we are maintaining a superior level of intelligence. The kind of smarts it takes to respond to mass pollution and the change in climate that it causes. Or at least we have the brains to deny it all because it's easier and there's so many dating competition shows to watch and blog about.

What should we do if the singularity dawns? We do what humans always do when confronted: we get racist, then violent. Racism is the heat source that boils into violence. That violence could even be throwing boiling water in the face of our enemy. Usually it's a bit more hamburgery than that, but there are no rules when it comes to violence.

I have come up with a few racist things we can call robots: clink clanks and bleep bloops. And when you see a group of clink clanks clattering down the street, you can nudge your buddy with your elbow and say, "Looks like the circuit's in town." That's just a jump off point. As the bleep bloop overlords over take humanity with their cold metal fists, we will surely get more desperate and therefore more racist. Yet, you cannot get to that level of racism until you are truly under the threat of oppression.  Like how cops must feel when they see a black teen eating ice cream at an honor society meeting.

Feel free to leave a comment telling how you would be racist toward a robot. 


2016 Oscar Picks

By Jake and Glenn

For the 2016th and final year, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will pick the winners of Best Picture, the most coveted prize in cinema (besides being backed by a Jewish financier). Let’s celebrate by self-congratulatorily celebrating OYIT’s longest running feature and pretending we’re allowed within 500 feet of a movie theater.

2015 Best Picture Nominees

Bridge of Spies
Jake says…You had me at bridge, lost me at of, and then sold me on spies. I love bridges and very rarely burn them. That's why I'm so popular!

Glenn says… Once my parents vouched for this one, I promised to never see it. No chance to win Best Picture if it can’t appeal to 30something manchildren.

Room
Jake says…I live in a room. I certainly can relate to this picture.

Glenn says… I loved this one! Unfortunately more and more these days, films about a white man holding a woman prisoner ask the question “is art imitating life or the other way around?” Though Brie Larson is a strong frontrunner for Best Actress, I’m not sure if the movie can escape the obvious parallels to the Tommy Wiseau ur-classic “The Room.”

Brooklyn
Jake says…Hey, I'm from Brooklyn over here. Just kidding, I'm from Indiana. But I still thought that this was certainly a movie. It fit all of the defined criteria. Cool film over here. Just kidding.

Glenn says… This was a wonderful romance about two uber hipsters from Williamsburg - one agnostic/spiritual and one uber Orthodox Jew. Saoirse Ronan, with her unpronounceable name, shines so bright that some of the Orthodox Jewish women consider taking off their thick black cloth to be more comfortable.  I nearly wept at the ending. Definite contender.

Jem And The Holograms
Jake says…We live in an age where anybody can transition into a hologram. My brother became a hologram. Jem is truly outrageous.

Glenn says… the AVClub review of this film delivered an epic takedown of this film but not nearly as epic as the film itself. Not epic in scope, but in length: Jem clocks in at 243 minutes not counting the music video that plays after the credits or the commercials that play before the film. The Academy has never given Best Picture to a film this long and famously gave 1981’s Das Boot their first and only “Razzie” award for Worst Film.

The Revenant
Jake says…This is the only movie I have even heard of, but it's always in a way that suggests, “What the fuck does ‘revenant’ even mean?” It may be because that's literally what I hear as I take tickets at the local AMC.

Glenn says… Another anti-bear, pro-Native movie. Frankly I’m sick of having this, and other things, forced down my throat.  The movie itself was fine, though it wasn’t nearly as violent as I expected and have been conditioned to think I deserve. Leo DiCaprio, that little prettyboy, will surely win his first Best Actor Oscar for this one but I don’t think the film degrades itself enough to win Best Picture.

The Cobbler
Jake says…I don't watch movies about making shoes. Suck a dick, Hollyweird.

Glenn says… If you don’t know much about Hollywood you would think Director T. McCarthy’s OTHER film this year, Spotlight, was more deserving. While Spotlight was about journalism and religious sexual abuse, the Cobber was about shoes and secular sexual abuse. Also featuring several characters from award (Grammy) winning You Shant Mess With the Zohan, it participates in the “shared universe” craze that excites low testosterone beta males.

Mad Max
Jake says…This movie being nominated really shows you how out of touch the Academy truly is. This flick came out in the 1980s! Sure, it was before we knew that Mel Gibson was a racist asshole, but that's no reason to give it an Oscar.

Glenn says… This was, of course, the best movie of the year. The entire movie was a chase scene! Haven’t seen that much chase in a film since the 1994 Charlie Sheen vehicle “The Chase.” The question is not whether Mad Max deserves the award, it’s whether Immortan Joe will allow it. That’s a reference to the movie, shitheads - and he’s the new president of the academy.

Big Short
Jake says…This should have been nominated as a Short film. Get it? The word “short” is in the title and it stars Martin Short.

Glenn says… I liked the asides in the movie that explained things to me. Will the Academy see it as an insult of their great intelligence? Yes - and that’s why it won’t win.  Plus all the crypto-Jews in Hollywood will be lobbying against a movie that so needlessly condemns financial fraud.

Our Picks
Glenn says... What a great year for films about powerful women (Room, Brooklyn, Mad Max) and powerful men (The Revenant, The Cobbler, Mad Max). Since they will cancel each other out, it leaves an opening for a gender non-conforming movie like Jem and the Honorgrams to win, which it will. Sorry to Bridge of Spies.

Jake says… These old white cis male motherfuckers are gonna give a statue to Mad Max because Mel Gibson tried to cut his ex-wife’s head off because she got him too drunk. Fuck the Academy Awards.

Debate: School Shootings

By Glenn and Jake

There's a common saying that goes: "there's only two things in life that are certain: death and taxes." And while that may have passed for humor 200 years ago, today we need something that pushes more buttons. That's why I move to add a third certainty of life: school shootings. School shootings have become a common occurrence in modern America, like losing socks at the laundromat or being impotent from watching extreme porn, the kind that involves poop.

In this debate, Glenn and Jake are going to attempt to take each other to school and riddle the rhetorical hallways with verbal bullets. Are school shootings tragic or surprisingly positive? Find out here.

Glenn: School shootings are terrible! My mere participation in this debate is a debasement - it actually makes me feel like I’m living through such an attack right now. I have several reasons in support of my position but I will start with the strongest: each school shooting builds the drumbeat towards common-sense gun regulation. In the past year alone, each of these terrible shootings felt like pound-pound-pound of Keith Moon drumming towards the aforementioned dystopia. But instead of leading us towards an ecstatic climax of Roger Daltrey’s booming voice and Pete Townshend's guitar windhill, these shootings bring us closer to a reality where assault weapons won’t be accessible.  Thank you.

Jake: It's funny that you mention The Who, the rock and roll band, and especially Pete Townshend. The reason this is laughable is because it plays into my first point so well: if children kill each other then Pete Townshend will have less kids to fuck and/or masturbate to nude pictures of. He will have to stick to his current cache of child pornography of children who are surely dead by now.

School is boring. Shooting guns is exciting. No wonder all the kids have stopped raising their hands and instead are raising arms.

Glenn: I agree that school shootings are exciting, but just because something is exciting doesn’t make it good. Plenty of things raise the heart rate: watching your cat get run over by a truck, opening a possible acceptance letter from an unaccredited for-profit college, having sex. But, especially regarding sex, the excitement is not worth the pain caused to you and others. Many university professors argue that school shootings are fake, that the survivors are all “crisis actors” and such.  Even if they’re half right, a world where SOME people have died is not one I want to live in.

Jake: Everybody will one day die. I, for one, cannot wait for the day the Grim Reaper places HER icy hand upon my shoulder and drags me to the grave. I imagine it to be like the buried alive match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Undertaker, but with less heavy machinery and smoother.

I wish I were still school age. I would love to be riddled with bullets, errant or intentional, from a psychopath's gun. Nearly everybody agrees that mass shooters are mentally deficient, but until Donald Trump is elected president and puts another holocaust into action, we are just going to have to deal with the repercussions of living with the mentally ill. We might as well strap ourselves in and enjoy this wild ride.

Glenn: Recently I read (over several months, on the toilet) the book Columbine by Dave Cullen. It was the definitive account of the first school shooting in American history and it taught me a lot. For example, did you know that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold weren’t bullied - or at least no more than you and me in high school? Secondly, did you know that an older teen helped them get their gun? Many things went into making that school shootings, and others, a success.  But the success comes at a cost: in the past 15 years children are incredibly more likely to be suspended for jokingly threatening to kill someone or expelled just for acting out while black. These are the legacies of school shootings - a legacy we need to shoot dead.

Jake: I vividly remember a time, back when I was a youth in tight pink shorts, when baseball was America's past time. Now the bats have been replaced by guns and the balls have been switched out for bullets. Or, perhaps more accurately, it's like an automatic ball pitcher at a batting cage is an automatic assault rifle and the balls are still bullets. The point being: baseball is boring as shit and school shootings are exciting. Sure, they both involve math, but you can shoot anybody who tells you about it during a school shooting.

Going to school was boring when we were kids, up until Columbine happened, then it was suspenseful because you might die. We went from living that Jim Jarmusch life to Alfred Hitchcock. And The Birds is more fun to watch than Broken Flowers. 

Oscar Picks 2015

By Glenn and Jake

It feels like just last year we successfully (and unethically) predicted the Academy Awards Best Picture winner.  This has been a huge year for films and an even bigger year for movies. In 2014 we saw crazy surrealism, measured proselytizing, shooting and a boy literally grow up right before our eyes.  Finally the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences listened to White America and refused to nominate any people of color for major awards unless you count Mexican Alejandro González Iñárritu or twee Wes Anderson.  On February 22nd, thousands of people will gather in front of their smart phones and illegally stream the 2015 Academy Awards, holding the device in one hand and a printed copy of this article in the other.  Watch out for paper cuts when you scream in exaltation at our correct prediction of Best Picture winner!


2015 Best Picture Nominees


Imitation Game/Theory of Everything


Glenn says... Who can keep these movies straight? Not me, and I’m straight myself, unlike the lead characters in these films.  Both are about troubled scientists who overcome a disability, based loosely on the story of Timothy McVeigh. 

Jake says... Everywhere you go these days everybody seems to be talking about Game of Theory.  All the nudity and dragons has America harder than a sodoku puzzle and wetter than your mom's pussy when she's watching Lonesome Dove.  This is a TV show so it has no shot.


Mortdecai


Glenn says.. Mordecai (sic) is this year’s dark horse candidate.  Its incredibly successful marketing campaign led to the famous unprecedented $700 million dollar opening weekend and even less precedented and less famous $800 million dollar closing weekend, all in the same month!  The film had to close early because America couldn’t handle any more...decai.  

Jake says... Mortdecai was a very surprising pick for the Academy. This nomination is more shocking than the time The Mountie used hid shock stick on Job Bush at the 2015 New Hampshire primaries.


Boyhood
Glenn says... Probably my favorite of the fifteen movies nominated this year.  As someone who used to be a traditionally gendered boy, seeing this movie reminded me of that time in my life, down to the detailed depictions of staying up late in IRC wrestling chat rooms.  Some people were taken aback because nothing explodes in the film, not even the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in 1995, but hopefully that bizarre exclusion won’t take away from the powerful anti-government message about growing up and the small moments that make our lives worth remembering.    

Jake says... This prequel to Parenthood is missing the heart of the original film: Steve Martin. Getting Zachary Braff was a great casting move, but making it a musical seems like a real blunder. Boyhood needs to go through puberty.


Birdman
Glenn says... Heard it took twelve years to film...felt like twelve years to watch!

Jake says... Is he a bird or a man? He's a Birdman. Michael Chrytron has done it again and this time it's personal, because this is a biopic. Chrytron is known for being ice cold in his crime epics, but this movie will give you frostbite.


God’s Not Dead/Heaven Is For Real/Saving Christmas
Glenn says... This movie, released in three versions, challenged a lot of Christians belief in how loosely you can define what constitutes a "movie."  There was a lot wrong with this film including the final fight scene between the AntiChrist (depicted by Greg Kinnear) and Hercules (depicted by Kirk Cameron) - especially baffling when you consider TV’s Hercules Kevin Sorbo was right there on set as a Key Grip! - but never underestimate the power of Christian movies amongst the liberal Hollywood elite.

Jake says... Not often does the Academy nominate three movies as one nomination, but I guess they did this time around. I'd like to look in their heads and see how they tick, you know. Just look at all of those wires and those gears turning, lubricating the bits that need it. I guess that's just the clock maker in me coming out. There might not be a god, but these movies prove that there are still quality films being churned out in Hollywood.


Selma
Glenn says... Making fun of Selma will get you virtually drawn and quartered on both tumblr and twitter, so don’t even think about it.  I know when to fold my hand and it’s whenever there’s a race card in it. Pass!

Jake says... I hated when the president of the Selma fan club murdered her.


American Sniper
Glenn says... One of the two “politicized” movies up for Best Picture this year, opposition and support have fallen along traditional ideological lines.  Iraqis and others of Middle Eastern descent have rallied in favor of the movie since it provides so many acting jobs for a group of people normally discriminated against in our racist society.  Meanwhile the Veterans of Foreign Wars famously burned an effigy of Clint Eastwood during last year’s CPAC in protest of what they called a “disgustingly pro-Bradley Cooper film.”  Controversy means $$$ but not Best Picture award. 

Jake says... American Sniper? What is this movie about: legendary roast master Jeffrey Ross? Seriously though, being hired as a murderer by the government should give everyone pause and make them reevaluate the system we are participating in and making movies glorifying it is despicable. Plus, having a cartoon cat named Buzzby telling Chris Kyle to shoot brown people is in poor taste.


Planes: Fire & Rescue
Glenn says... A fantastic film with a show-stealing voice performance by Marion Cotillard as Deandra, the rescue plane.  Most people will dismiss this "kids movie" out of hand, as if the things that children enjoy - sports, parties, having sex - have no value.  But I thought this had a much more nuanced depiction of combat, rescue, fire and mental illness than any this year's films.  The question everyone is wondering: will its overt anti-Semitism doom it before the Elders of the Academy?

Jake says... I would FIRE anybody who doesn't PLANes to see this movie and RESCUE anybody who is being sexually assaulted in front of me.


Our Picks
Glenn says... Most believe this is Boyhood's turn to win Best Picture, having failed to win during each of the previous 12 years it was nominated while in production.  But there were others that dealt with important political and social subject matter. Selma captured the intensity and drama of a very important historical period and its subject matter is still relevant today.  American Sniper was finally the breakthrough Iraq War movie that allowed us as a country to begin processing the complicated feelings left in its aftermath.  Planes: Fire & Rescue had planes who talked.  Ultimately the best picture will go to Mortdecai, who will then be promoted to #fulltimerogue.  See you on the red carpet! 

Jake says… For the first time in over 1200 years of film, I think the Academy is not going to award any movies a statue. It's a shame, too, because all of these movies were very funny. 

Debate: Tinder

By Jake and Glenn

Tinder, like Plenty Of Fish and Silk Road before it, has revolutionized online dating.  Dispensing with the well thought out religious-based personality matchmaking of sites like EHarmony or the crude religious-based sexual matchmaking of JDate, Tinder allows us to interact while simultaneously embracing both our most base and most romantic natures.  People that in a previous generation would have been consigned to a sanitorium for the rest of their lives can now “swipe right” and enjoy the same thrills of despair and rejection as people without crippling social anxiety.  Today Jake and Glenn return to the debate forum with a long awaited dialogue on online dating app Tinder.  Please don’t “swipe left.”

Jake: After my marriage fell apart like a house of cards or, rather, like the Netflix original program House of Cards, Tinder was the first place I turned to find a date. As a non-drinker, it can be difficult to meet a person to spend time with in a romantic way.  Plus, as a man who is not a rapist, I would never have sex with a drunk person unless they had given me consent while sober. This is why Phi Beta Pi revoked my membership, even after I had paid my dues and purchased 30 togas. Tinder has allowed me to swipe right into dating without having to leave the comfort of my favorite crying chair.

Glenn: I love that there’s an app that allows you to directionally swipe with your obese thumb, but I can’t support Tinder.  Tinder is an app that forces men (and presumably women) to make snap judgments on other people not based on their religion or where they went to college but purely on looks.  For a burn victim like me, this is a harrowing prospect, but I’m also not sure what it says about our society.  A perfectly respectable site like OKCupid, which I’ve used to date several Roma women, was already effective for meeting people.  You answered a few questions, gave a sperm sample, uploaded a shirtless picture and you were ready to go.  It was simple, but detailed enough you could judge on personality too. With Tinder, it’s only one picture that most people will swipe away but the ugliest among us will swipe right into their hearts.

Jake: I have learned several shocking things from Tinder (JFK's involvement in the moon landing, the ending of Princess Diaries 2, and who assassinated Bruiser Brody), but the most shocking thing I have learned is that I am fairly handsome. After being with a closeted lesbian for ten years, this was a truly shocking revelation. Though, the most attractive woman I have went on a date with I met at the comedy club after she had an anxiety attack when Heywood Banks made fun of her for finding his gentle guitar comedy boring. My point is this: Tinder can boost your self esteem based purely on looks.

Glenn: I feel for people with low self-esteem.  Although it’s not an issue I face, I understand the appeal of an app that makes you believe other people think you’re hot.  But what about those who you swipe left for?  The obese, the chronically engaged, the beef eaters?  What of their self esteem?  Recent statistics show that the vast majority of suicides stem from users not getting chosen on Tinder.  “A small price to pay for my own happiness!” you might exclaim while roughly chewing on a delicious roast beef sandwich from Hardee’s.  But most people don’t want any more blood on their hands than what they already have from participating in the meat-industrial complex.

Jake: The only roast beef I will be chewing on, sir, is the kind that sits between a lady’s legs.  This type of lady is the type I will meet on Tinder.  I will swipe right on the app and then swipe my tongue across her glistening pussy.  All of the HPV in the world can’t slow me down.  Yet, as the only writer on this site who has not contracted HPV, I do feel left out.  Tinder is fun.  It’s a game where you swipe people according to whether or not you would want to make love to them.  Then you talk to them and ask them if they’re going to catfish you.  If they say they’re not going to catfish you, you meet up with them and give them oral sex.  Then neither of you ever talk to each other again.  It’s the perfect system.  There’s also a chance that you might get your first kiss and that would be pretty neat-o.

Glenn: I too would like to have my first kiss.  For all the cunnilingus I’ve performed (and, arguably, received) I’ve never actually had that experienced so beautifully dramatized in Drew Barrymore’s hit film Never Been Kissed (1999). My debate opponent previously stated that the best looking human who agreed to a date was from real life, not Tinder.  But what would she have done if she saw you wearing a tuxedo shirt and novelty eyeglasses?  Swiped left, like an Arab man wiping his anus. I used to go on Hot or Not in the early 2000s and rate all the beautiful people as 1s and the ugly people as 10s.  Although I was on the site because pornography didn’t exist, that righteous feeling of righting what god did wrong sustained me through a very dark time.  Let that be a word of warning: the next person who swipes you right may be doing it for the wrong reasons.

10 Things You Will Remember if You Remember the 90s

By Jake

The 90s, the decade we reached sexual and spiritual maturity in. Whether it was by praying to a naked drawing of April O'Neal or performing fellatio on a priest during first communion, this is a universal truth of the 1990s. What are ten other things you may remember? Well, look at this:




1. That TV dinner that your mom threw at your dad when he called her selfish.

2. Macaroni and cheese. A true 90s treat.

3. Neon trenchcoats. Everybody was wearing them and we felt like we were in space.

4. Pills. Not only were we all flying high on a cocktail of barbiturates, but we all started taking those pills that made it so we didn't have to eat anymore. Thanks, Pfizer.

5. Gunk music. The sludge spouting guitars of Kirk Cobb had us enthralled and smelling truly what the Rock was cooking.

6. Those glasses. You know the ones I'm talking about.

7. Kelp. Those of us who weren't taking nutrition pills were piling our plates sky high with kelp. Yummy!

8. Being a burn victim. Not everybody remembers this, but 73% of the population does and that's enough to bait those clicks. Right, ladies?

9. Alien Ant Farm. We all loved them and still do.

10. Looking into the abyss. We all remember when the sky opened and all encompassing darkness spilled out like cut on Sasha Grey's face. There was nothing we could do but stare into it and many of us lost many family members to starvation. Thankfully, it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. Praise Xenu.