10 Things You Will Remember if You Remember the 90s

By Jake

The 90s, the decade we reached sexual and spiritual maturity in. Whether it was by praying to a naked drawing of April O'Neal or performing fellatio on a priest during first communion, this is a universal truth of the 1990s. What are ten other things you may remember? Well, look at this:




1. That TV dinner that your mom threw at your dad when he called her selfish.

2. Macaroni and cheese. A true 90s treat.

3. Neon trenchcoats. Everybody was wearing them and we felt like we were in space.

4. Pills. Not only were we all flying high on a cocktail of barbiturates, but we all started taking those pills that made it so we didn't have to eat anymore. Thanks, Pfizer.

5. Gunk music. The sludge spouting guitars of Kirk Cobb had us enthralled and smelling truly what the Rock was cooking.

6. Those glasses. You know the ones I'm talking about.

7. Kelp. Those of us who weren't taking nutrition pills were piling our plates sky high with kelp. Yummy!

8. Being a burn victim. Not everybody remembers this, but 73% of the population does and that's enough to bait those clicks. Right, ladies?

9. Alien Ant Farm. We all loved them and still do.

10. Looking into the abyss. We all remember when the sky opened and all encompassing darkness spilled out like cut on Sasha Grey's face. There was nothing we could do but stare into it and many of us lost many family members to starvation. Thankfully, it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. Praise Xenu.

Make Divorce Work for You!

By Rishika



         Every year is a good year to get a divorce, but when your friends who are married to each other get divorced, it can put a real strain on the friend dynamic. Now, instead of one night of hanging out, it's two separate nights with each night representing the two separate people who are not married anymore.

          This is particularly distressing as a friend of both parties, because these two nights of hanging out really cut into my beauty sleep time. And since I'm still single and on the wrong side of 20, I cannot go without my beauty rest. My fertility is waning and no one wants to be with a barren gal with a face that looks like it got hit by Miley Cyrus' foot while she was swinging around on that wrecking ball.

           Which is why it is important to choose a #team, or, as the older generation calls it, "choosing sides."

           In the beginning, when things are first starting to fall apart and emotions are running high, it is important to stay neutral. As I've learned, you don't want to prematurely jump ship from a person who may prove to be a valuable companion.  Hence, this article. Since divorce seems to be the thing to do these days, I've provided a guide that will hopefully prove useful to those who's social circle has been shaken by an act committed by two very selfish people who don't care about their friends.

                         1. Who has more money?
This is the big one. If chosen correctly, the moneybags half of the couple will be so grateful for your friendship that they will want to be your roommate. And with the freedom of their spending power, you can afford to live large. Like a successful rapper or a housewife with a C-level husband. Suddenly, that large, 42nd-floor downtown condo or Southern style mansion in a warmer climate is your home too.

                         2. Who can best advance my career in comedy?
Who has the most connections in Hollywood? Who has experience in the best practices for mitigating PR nightmares? What is leverage and how do I get it? If chosen correctly, HBO and Comedy Central will be fighting over you like your friends fought over custody of that priceless Ming vase that was a wedding gift from their dearly departed old neighbor, Mr. Lodge.

                         3. Who has the most attractive friends?
After all, with your fertility on the decline, you need to find a person who has already been vetted by your trusted friend. There's no time for "get-to-know-yous" and "howdy-doos." It needs to be a straightforward, "Howdy-DO IT TO ME NOW!"

          Hopefully I was able to answer your most pressing questions and made your #team choice a bit easier. Obviously, many questions are brought up during divorce and it's impossible to answer every single one of them as situations tend to vary like a family with a beautiful rainbow of multi-national adopted children.

           If your friends are getting divorced and you have more questions that weren't answered here, feel free to email me at ptwnbrwn (at) gmail (dot) com.




                        

                      

   


Comedy and Depression

By Jake

Ever since Robin Williams mercifully took his own life, people have been looking at the link between comedy and depression. Why are comedians so depressed? Why aren't comedians even considered human beings? Exactly how many women did serial rapist Bill Cosby drug and rape? The answer to most of these questions are unsettling, but the answer to the last is the most so.



The reason I believe a person would ever choose to go on stage with the express goal of making people laugh by telling them one of their awkwardly crafted dick or pussy jokes has to do with a mixture of narcissism and self-loathing. You don't have to hate yourself to love yourself, but you do have to hate yourself to love doing comedy. Plus, you also have to think what you have to say is worth subjecting on a hive-minded group of greasy dipshits.

Do I have contempt for the audience of comedy shows? It depends on how much they enjoy my jokes, of course. If they don't like my jokes then they are stupid, if they do like my jokes then they are smart and beautiful.

Performing doesn't take courage (or often times more crassly put, "balls," referring to a man's testicles). Performing takes a deep-seeded hatred of yourself and everything in the world, mixed with a love so strong that you are about to explode from it, and from all of the maggots you accidentally ate thinking they were Tic-Tacs. Much like believing in God, performing comedy is a sign of mental illness in itself.

When I go more than the standard three days without performing stand-up, I start going through withdrawals. It's like when I don't take my prescribed Paxil and black out, only to find myself drilling gloryholes in the Arby's bathroom. Nobody even eats at Arby's! Why would I install a gloryhole where there are no dicks to suck and fuck? Anyway, comedy is fueled by mental illness, but also can relieve some of the pressure of said affliction. I start feeling depressed when I miss out on my weekly goal of stage time (3 sets is my goal, but is hard to meet in a city where the club owner is jealous of other stages and will yell at you for doing other shows in the city limits).

Comedy is fueled by the every day pain of life. Comedians notice and feel this pain more than anybody, but react differently to it. I reacted to my divorce by writing thirty jokes about polio. Your average person would just cut themselves, and they would be right! In a way, writing jokes is my version of cutting myself. And, brothers and sisters, I am all scarred up.


Glenn's 2015 Resolutions (and 2014 reviewed)


By Glenn

As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed.  Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.

2014 Resolutions



Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah.  This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time.  I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed

Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Verdict: Failed

Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera.  If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed

Use Google
Couldn't do it.  Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Verdict: Failed

Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing.  Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food.  It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream. 
Verdict: Success

2015 Resolutions



Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable. 

Sell my books 
Notice a fucked up book pattern here?  My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.

Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often.  That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse.  Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?

Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it.  That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music.  At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets.  This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.

Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it.  Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen.  OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana').  Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s. 

2015 New Years Resolutions


By Staff

As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed.  With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ.  The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014.  Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions.  Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.

Jake’s Resolutions



2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.

1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.

2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.

3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends?  Nobody.  I’m just a piece of shit, obviously.  So I will just do what my heroes do.

4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.

5. Find out if men are different from women.  This is important.  I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.

Rishika's Resolutions


Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.

1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.
2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.
5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.

Ryan's Resolutions


Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...

2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.

3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.

4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.

5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”

6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.

7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).

8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?

9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).

10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.

11. Suicide by cop.

Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!

One Year in Texas' Person of the Year 2014: Taylor Swift

By Jake

Every year One Year in Texas chooses one person who made the biggest impact in the calendar year via secret ballot. This year we chose Taylor Swift from a long list of people who outperformed all others. Congratulations, Taylor. You deserve the honor.



I went through a lot of personal strifes and triumphs in the year of our lord 2014. From my wife leaving me to take up wind-surfing, to performing stand-up comedy in front of Pauly Shore, this has been a year of true ups and downs. Thanks to a beautiful young songstress known to the world as Taylor (Ms. Swift if you're nasty, but I am not), I learned how to deal with all of the negativity in my life. She told me to "Shake it Off," and when a young millionaire tells you to do something you are all ears, figuratively.

There has not been a singer as charming as Taylor Swift since Lou Diamond Phillips took the role as Ritchie Valens in the feature film "La Bamba." Taylor Swift oozes a delightful awkward confidence that many performers can relate to. I can relate to it, but I am a worse dancer than Taylor, but I believe that I am a better stand-up comedienne than she. Time will tell on that one, though.

Her album 1989 came out like lightning out of Thor's hammer. Or lightning out of Emperor Palpatine's fingers. Or lightning out of the clouds. The point is this: her album is like lightning. Every song is an electrifying bolt emanating from the boombox which holds the cassette I copied from the Target Deluxe CD release of her album.



While "Shake it Off" is the best song ever recorded, it is also the second worst song on the album–the first being "Bad Blood." This is known as the Taylor Swift Paradox. It is a term I invented and will surely be used in academia in the years coming.

Let's not even mention how I cry while listening to "This Love." Please, nobody mention this.

Taylor, this is for you. You are a marvel of the modern world and you deserve this honor like I deserved to have my wife leave me. We all get what we deserve.

Surprise! I'm Divorced Now!

By Jake

A couple months ago, my wife told me that she didn't think things were working out anymore and that she wanted some space. That quickly escalated into her wanting a divorce. I was devastated at first. I cried hard for two hours. I'm doing better now, but I do still cry every time I listen to Taylor Swift's "This Love" and I am not sure if that will ever stop or if I will ever stop listening to it multiple times a day. I'm not even sure if it has anything to do with the ending of our relationship.



Where did things go wrong? I can't say for sure, but our relationship hasn't been very good since we lived in Hammond, IN. I thought our relationship had gotten a little better, but far from perfect, once we moved to Washington, IL. Then Kaleena started going to a couple's counselor without me. After a few sessions, I was invited to attend one. I go in there and this dude just reads Family Circus strips to us for an hour. He didn't even let me see them! How is that supposed to fix my marriage? If anything, it made things worse. If you're going to go about therapy that way, I at least need to see where Jeffy has been going. I'm just not that much of a visual thinker.

Then Kaleena and I moved from Washington to Peoria. This was our living situation: We moved into a house with a younger couple. Fellow comedians. Then on a random Tuesday–much like 9/11/01–the two ladies broke up with the two fellas. The same. fucking. day. So here's what I did–and y'all are going to love this–I bought a Kindle Fire so I could jack off in my bedroom while weeping. Eventually I moved my computer into my bedroom to maximize my masturbating experience. Plus, I bought a fleshlight. I always did want to fuck a flashlight and divorce is about checking things off of your bucket list.

The thing about the divorce that I find most frightening and daunting is getting back into dating. The last time I dated there weren't dating apps. This was 10 years ago. There weren't even apps! There weren't even phones! You definitely didn't have to send a picture of your dick to anyone, especially not to your date's legal guardian. I do feel like I'm ready to start dating again, though. And you know why? I'm out-of-my-mind horny.

I have started using Tinder. And I know Tinder is a taboo topic that comedians steer clear of, but I am a rule breaker–a real maverick of comedy. I have even made some dates! Writing about the dates will have to be a spin-off. The Mork and Mindy of this article's Happy Days, but hopefully this date doesn't end in suicide like More and Mindy did. What a controversial conclusion that was to a program about an alien trying to get his dick wet
.

I don't drink or do drugs because I'm on anti-depressants to stave off panic attacks. I started having panic attacks after smoking some synthetic marijuana called Cloud Ten Storm. As bad as the panic attacks were, it could have been worse. I could have hit people with my car like my friend Travis did after smoking some "spice."

I think alcohol would make things a lot easier, but I don't have to worry about the "beer goggles"effect. That is when you sleep with somebody under you on the sexual caste system. Though, right after the break-up I found every woman attractive because I had sad glasses. And because of the aforementioned horniness.

After a couple months of avoiding my house and looking through sad glasses, I think things are starting to look up and I'm finding myself enjoying moments of happiness. I got some cute kisses (no tongue) from a beautiful 18 year old woman comedian and that lifted my mood and self-esteem more than my horseshit anti-depressants. It seems like nothing is going to happen with the 18 year old, but it was pretty nice and uplifting.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with Kaleena for two months after we split and living with my very good friend Alix and her boyfriend. It has been better for my emotional and sexual well-being so far. I have started dating and it's pretty fun.


Letters From the Past to My Future Cat

By Bernice K. Milton

Dear, Orange You Glad I Didn't Name You Orange,

Daylight Savings Time has begun. The days are short and lethargy has descended upon me.
The slumminess of my studio dwelling is becoming more apparent with each drop in temperature degree. The drafts through the window are unavoidable and the vague smell of shit in the laundry room is a bit disconcerting, but the amount of space and light I have in the apartment...unbeatable. As they say, nothing is perfect. Especially when one is "poor." At least my living compartment is adequate in space.

The gainful employment landscape has been as harsh as the subzero windchill, but I push forth despite the oppositional gusts. I do quite enjoy my job working with the children. After all, where else can you be paid a decent wage for coloring inside the lines, building Lego, and creating an atmosphere of general merriment for sweet, innocent, yet occasionally impudent children? If only they could provide me the wages and benefits that befit a fully formed adult, I could rest a bit easier at night knowing that you would be well fed and free of feline infectious peritonitis should the disease invade your delicate body. Perhaps patience will befriend my weary dejection and one day, we shall be united.

My constitution has been a bit bothered in recent weeks. I fell ill with the infection of the sinus cavities and was prescribed an antibiotic that woke me up with a turbulent case of the runs. However, due diligence in my probiotic intake has rectified (no pun intended) the situation, and now I fear I suffer the opposite problem. Oh, dear. I'm not worried, as I will simply need to increase my fiber intake and I should be as regular as old Arthur Bigglesworth before he retired from the gumshoe factory.

Well, that is all I have to report for now. I look forward to your cuddles during my home bound cinematic experiences as well as your light and not excessively needy snuggles.

Yours lovingly,
B.K. Milton