Letters From the Past to My Future Cat

By Bernice K. Milton

Dear, Orange You Glad I Didn't Name You Orange,

Daylight Savings Time has begun. The days are short and lethargy has descended upon me.
The slumminess of my studio dwelling is becoming more apparent with each drop in temperature degree. The drafts through the window are unavoidable and the vague smell of shit in the laundry room is a bit disconcerting, but the amount of space and light I have in the apartment...unbeatable. As they say, nothing is perfect. Especially when one is "poor." At least my living compartment is adequate in space.

The gainful employment landscape has been as harsh as the subzero windchill, but I push forth despite the oppositional gusts. I do quite enjoy my job working with the children. After all, where else can you be paid a decent wage for coloring inside the lines, building Lego, and creating an atmosphere of general merriment for sweet, innocent, yet occasionally impudent children? If only they could provide me the wages and benefits that befit a fully formed adult, I could rest a bit easier at night knowing that you would be well fed and free of feline infectious peritonitis should the disease invade your delicate body. Perhaps patience will befriend my weary dejection and one day, we shall be united.

My constitution has been a bit bothered in recent weeks. I fell ill with the infection of the sinus cavities and was prescribed an antibiotic that woke me up with a turbulent case of the runs. However, due diligence in my probiotic intake has rectified (no pun intended) the situation, and now I fear I suffer the opposite problem. Oh, dear. I'm not worried, as I will simply need to increase my fiber intake and I should be as regular as old Arthur Bigglesworth before he retired from the gumshoe factory.

Well, that is all I have to report for now. I look forward to your cuddles during my home bound cinematic experiences as well as your light and not excessively needy snuggles.

Yours lovingly,
B.K. Milton

Tracing the path of LGBT equality

By Glenn

In 2013, heterosexual US Senator Rob Portman (R-Ohio) came out as a supporter of same sex marriage, a shocking about face from any notable member of a political party who as recently as 2004 included "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" in their party platform.  What caused him to drop his ball gag and Bible and pick up the shield of GLBT equality?  His son came out to him.  This  caused two things: an ever-widening acknowledgement that conservatives are not capable of empathy beyond their immediate social network and the shocking fact there is still a "debate" over same sex marriage.

Later that year the Supreme Council Guardian Council ruled that a portion of the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional and the federal government could not deny marriage benefits to couples that had been been legally wed in a heretical state such as Hawaii or Iowa.  This set off a wave of celebrations across the county, only muted by the fact that in roughly thirty-eight states you still couldn't marry your partner in a shameful, homonormative version of "traditional" weddings.  Things have accelerated over the course of the last two years and now over 64% of the US population will soon live in a state where anyone - and I mean anyone - can marry.  This shift in public opinion, legislation and court rulings is amazing and worth further exploration, so get into my time machine and let's revisit an earlier time in this wonderful county's rich history.

In 2003-2004, this was a different America and I don't know mean that as a code for Tea Party "I don't recognize my country anymore" bullshit.  The culture war, like the Iraq war, was raging and permanent victory for conservatives was seemingly within their Darth Vader-like grasp.  When I asked a grocery store co-worker why she was voting for Bush, she asked me if I was a Christian and upon hearing I wasn't smugly told me "then you wouldn't understand."  Howard Dean wore the same bulletproof vest while campaigning that he had the day he signed the Vermont civil unions law.  The Massachusetts Supreme Court forcibly legalized same sex marriage causing notable Bostonians Matt Damon and Ben Afflect to marry each other and begin work on a Good Will Hunting reboot starring Jaden Smith and Sean Hayes, currently stuck in developmental hell with the tenth Hellraiser movie.

It was a humiliating time to be a liberal, watching your country ascend into reactionary order.  Was this like being one of those atheist Brights during our previous Great Awakenings?  During the 2004 campaign, US Senate hopeful Jim DeMint said homosexuals and pregnant women should be forbidden to teach in public schools.  Florida's Mel Martinez called his GOP primary opponent a "darling of homosexual extremists."  Louisiana's David Vitter took his Congressional oath of office while wearing a diaper.  Eleven states took the rare and trite occasion of a democratic election and voted to enshrine bigotry against gay people in their constitution.  Timothy McVeigh was posthumously pardoned by the United Nations.

Things got a little better as George Bush respectfully and delightfully faded out of the presidency and Barack Obama illegally assumed office, but even he couldn't bring himself to say the words about same sex marriage that we needed to hear (though, as seen in the video below, he has had first-hand LGBT experiences). 

Further, on the day Obama was received California's 322 electoral votes, a majority of people also approved Proposition 8.  This resolution ripped rights away from same sex couples and made some closeted anti-gay activist somewhere sad, happy and confused at the same time.  One of the few pieces of good news we got during Obama's first term was when New York State passed full marriage equality, but it didn't feel as good to celebrate since Governor and confirmed piece of shit Andrew Cuomo was the one to sign it.  And there isn't a sizable gay population in New York outside of a few couples in Greenwich Village.

Looking back, this all seems like a long-ago nightmare.  These days same sex marriage has majority support in polls of libertarian online communities.  Jim DeMint is no longer in the Senate.  States with smaller proportions of evangelicals have passed same sex marriage at the ballot box.  Conservative activist Jared Loughner sits in prison and we've had openly gay sports stars in our least gay sports: basketball and football (the former being an especially sweet, remembering Larry Johnson's trailblazing transgender turn as "Grandmama"). How did we come so far?

Certainly part of this is those of us who have come out of the closet.  The percentage of people who in polls say they personally know a gay person has increased astronomically in the last twenty years - much more than support for LGBT political issues.  For conservatives like Rob Portman, closeted homosexuals like Lindsey Graham, open homosexuals Republicans like Ken Mehlman and obvious heterosexuals like Charlie Crist, this personal experience with an oppressed group makes the oppression seem uncouth.  Most elected politicians are rich and cannot identify with the plight of the working class (though obviously progressive ones are still a million times better on the substantive issues).  But being gay doesn't affect one race, class, ethnicity or religion more than another.  So even these sheltered, myopic politicians are eventually put in touch with a non-heterosexual person who might at one point ask them, either directly or with a look in their eyes: why am I less than you?

Though my lizard brain didn't need to meet gay people to side with their plight, it sure didn't hurt.  Since graduating high school (in the bottom 5% of my class) and leaving my 6000 "person" town I've lived all over this great country and met people who dutifully fill every stripe of the LGBTQ+ rainbow.  For most of us, meeting and knowing them isn't a novelty anymore - it's just part of normal life in this rich cultural tapestry of America.  Even our bigoted fathers, responsible for some vile (but mainstream) words about homosexuality, now know to keep their mouths shut except for a few half hearted utterances about reverse discrimination, religious freedom or other buzz terms used by the persecuted right so pathetic that I refuse to use the quotation marks they desperately need to surround them.

Now here we sit here in 2014 at the twilight of our civilization.  Federal appellate courts continuously bequeath rights that should have been enshrined in the Articles of Confederation, while we wait for the respectable, brilliant conservative jurists like Antonin Scalia on our Special Clerical Court to end this charade once and force completely equality.  We're almost at the point where we can treat people as normal no matter where they put their rotten genitals, but until conservative family organizations stop busing in Black and Hispanic Christians to protest outside courthouses, and until they stop yelling horrific things that make gay millennials cry, we'll keep fighting for complete and unmerciful gay supremacy.

Jake's Rejected Jokes

By Jake

A lot of my time in the last year has been spent working on jokes and doing stand-up comedy.  If you would have asked me two years ago whether I would have a huge backlog of jokes that do not work on stage, I would have called you a real piece of garbage.  Now, as a more humbled man, I am here to share with you a stack of jokes that just do not work.  It is not necessarily because they are awful, perhaps they are confusing, too nonsensical or too controversial for Peoria's palate.

This is from the night of the last game of the World Series where Boston was playing St. Louis:

- Are y'all excited about the World Series?  I'm rooting for Boston.  I think it's fucked up that St. Louis has Dzhokar Tsarnaez as their starting pitcher.

- I'm not Merle Haggard, the legendary country and western singer, but I am a certified Merle Haggard substitute and can fill any of your Merle Haggard needs.

- The most relevant member of the Jackson family is Germaine.

- Everybody wants to be a rock star but most of your days in the music biz are spent in a cubicle correlating data.

- The monster truck Grave Digger never dug any graves.  Big Foot didn't have feet, only tires.  But the truck Swamp Thing's Mirken did have a mossy growth on its truck nuts.

- Frankie Muniz has been having mini-strokes.  You hear about this?  It's because he's being haunted by Dale Earnhardt's ghost and the car noises freak him out.

-The Hostess CEO claimed he briefly shut down his company because of Obamacare, but it was really because the cream drill broke down.

- Don't you wish you could eat that goop Robocop eats and not even have to worry about food?

- My dog is 142 years old in balloon animal years.

- A Chinese fire drill is what our red masters used to remove the bullet from Lincoln's head and convert it into delicious MSG.

- Have you heard about these angry birds?  I bet the reason they're so angry is because of the disappearance of the middle class.

- The terrorists took over the planes and crashed them into the 9/11 buildings because the food was so bad, according to Jerry Seinfeld.

- Everybody has a few skeletons in their closet.  Hey, it's 2013, skeletons, it's time to come out already.

- Global warming had to change its name to climate change after turning state's evidence on the Gotti family.

- Every now and then I like to treat myself to a high-end luxury item.  Last week I purchased a catcher's mitt with Aaliyah's face etched into the leather.

Oscars Predictions 2014


By Jake and Glenn 

When one decides to get into the prediction field, a good starting place has always been The Academy Awards.  William Buckley once successfully predicted the Oscars within the 90% range, and he is famous!

For the past five years, Glenn and I have taken it upon ourselves to mirror the celebrity enjoyed by the likes of William Buckley, to very little success.  This year, I have a feeling, we are going to hit it out of the park.  Please enjoy the longest running feature in OYIT history.

Best Picture Nominees

12 Years A Slave
Jake says...Slavery is here to stay after this movie’s surprise success.  Expect to see tweens having slave parties and dressing up as slaves for Halloween.  “Hollywood, you have done it again!” is what I repeatedly shouted while the credits rolled on this film epic, much to the chagrin of the elderly couple sitting two rows in front of me.  Although the volume of my yelling startled them and hurt their ears, they could not help but agree with me.  They even joined in briefly before exiting the theater.  This is what I would call a movie, folks.

Glenn says…More liberal anti-slavery propaganda from Hollywood. It isn’t enough that 2011’s the Help taught us the “immorality” of the Jim Crow South or 1997’s Life is Beautiful warned us to the danger of allowing mugging Italian actors into our lives.  Now we need another movie to mock Southerners?  No thank you.  If the Academy tries to award this picture they are surely just going to create another Fort Sumter, just like Lincoln did in 1860.  

The Wolf of Wall Street
Jake says...This modern telling of the fairytale “Little Red Riding Hood” is set on Wall Street, which is a street in New York City.  Have you heard about it?  It’s really famous.  This movie was well-received by many critics, especially those in the pocket of Disney like Gene Shalit.

Glenn says… Young people all over the country were horrified to bring their parents to see this movie on Christmas Day, not realizing that it contained both graphic depictions of human sexuality and capitalistic excess.  If this movie wins Best Picture it will be sending absolutely the wrong message to young people and for that reason I think it will be another loss for Martin Scorsese, the biggest loser since the winner of last year’s Biggest Loser.

Movie 43

Jake says…”Movie 43” is movie number 1, in my opinion.  This hilarious collection of comedy vignettes is just what the doctor ordered when I came down with a serious case of the blues.  I contracted the blues after listening to too many Lightnin’ Hopkins records.  Thank Jesus Christ, our lord and savior who died on the cross for our sins, that this movie was made to ease my suffering.

Glenn says… This movie is being hailed as the greatest comedy all time even though nothing in it is funny and no one laughed at a single joke.  If you can explain that, you should sign onto the development team for Movie 44, due in theatres this Friday.

Jake says...The controversy surrounding Spike Jonze’s latest film, “Her,” overshadows the content itself.  Fucking a computer is a dream all of us have had, and some of us have actually tried.  Did you know that the DVD drive is a computer’s simulated fuck orifice?  This movie is anti-woman, and the feminists are outraged.  I always agree with big tittied feminists.

Glenn says… I hated this one.  This movie did not speak to our growing alienation at the hands of technology and also did not fill us with a terrible mixture of sadness and optimism in our never-ending search for intimacy and real human connections.  Finally, I did not openly weep in the movie theatre after watching this film.  Go to hell, Her!

Saving Mr Banks
Jake says…Mary Poppins is a beloved classic by many of our generation’s marks and jabronis.  This movie is a dramatized version of the writing of the screenplay of Mary Poppins.  Plus, there’s a lot of fun liquor drinking in this film, which I feel is just fan service for alcoholics.  If this film wins best picture, then I will throw away my Academy Award.

Glenn says… I agree with Jake that this film is about the writing of Mary Poppins.  I watched Mary Poppins for the first time when I was a child and then never watched it or thought about it ever again.  Ergo, I am not in the target demographic for this movie so I have no right to say whether it should win Best Picture.  But I will say this: if you like Tom Hanks, you will love this riveting story of Somali pirates taking Walt Disney hostage and forcing him into a cryogenic chamber.

Jake says…This movie should be called “Gravitas” instead of whatever those nerds in Hollywood titled it.  I mean, give it up big wigs, we’re not going to see your horseshit movies!

Glenn says… This was by far the best movie about space to come out last year and probably the most visually impressive movie of the Best Picture nominees.  Kudos to Alfonso Cuarón for casting George Clooney and Sandra Bullock in the leading roles and a double kudos to Clooney for adapting his “Booker” character from Roseanne as a former factory foreman turned astronaut.  Negative kudos to Sandra Bullock for chasing him into space in a reprise of her “All About Steve” character.

Jake says...They should have titled this movie Nerdbraska, because you have to be a fucking poindexter to enjoy this Dungeons and Dragons bullshit.  Hey, at least geeks will have something to quote until the next Star War happens.

Glenn says… This is the kind of movie you CAN bring your parents too because there’s no sex or violence in it, every character is ugly and it’s fundamentally about old people and regret.  It’s black and white and people talk about driving time.  For those of you who grew up in the Midwest, this will remind you of home and for those of you who didn’t, you’ll wonder if the Midwest is really black and white or if this was another Hollywood special effect.

Grown-Ups 2
Jake says...I, of course, loved the original Grown Ups, and I was shocked that I loved the sequel even more.  Adam Sandler has once again hit it right out of the fucking park--a baseball park!  Kevin James is a shoe-in for Best Actor.  Chris Rock and David Spade courageously reprised their role as homosexual high school sweethearts, which as much tenderness as hilarity.  I am man enough to admit that I cried during this movie three times.  Just a brilliant fucking movie from our greatest filmmaker.

Glenn says… This movie is why I killed my entire family and left copies of Grown Ups on DVD by their bodies.  

American Hustle
Jake says...When David O’Russell is not molesting his transexual family members, he makes films.  This is one of them.  Jennifer Lawrence, America’s greatest living actress, teams with Bradley Cooper, America’s handsomest corpse, to tell a tale of the greatest country on Earth--America!  You better hustle to see this film before it leaves theaters.

Glenn says… When David O’Russell is not yelling at Lily Tomlin, he makes audience pleasing films.  Including “America’s Sweetheart” Jennifer Lawrence in the casting for the film was the way to ensure it was nominated and it worked.  But will it be enough to win Best Picture? No.


Jake says...I know that this wasn’t officially nominated, but I have a good feeling that the phrase, “...And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to…” will be followed by “Planes.”  “Planes” was undoubtedly the best film of the year, and the only movie to feature anthropomorphic airplanes.  It was hilarious and Dane Cook starred.  Just great.  See it, people.

Glenn says... Last year I called for Silver Linings Playbook to win it and and I was right.  This year I will call for American Hustle to win and be wrong.  Instead the actual winner will be Her.  After the announcement is made and zionist Pig Scarlett Johansson leaves the stage in her new virtual body, the audience will sit in stunned silence at the awards ceremony they’ve just seen, before beginning to weep at the sheer beauty and sadness of being alive in these slightly post-modern times.  See you Sunday.


Drake For the First Time: A Song By Song Analysis

By R. Murthy

Drake: For the First Time
A Song by Song Analysis

By R. Murthy

1.     Tuscan Leather – This track begins without any sort of bravado or pique in curiosity of what is to come next. “Drake” just launches into his raps and I can only picture long abandoned “Jimmy” from Degrassi Junior High. Good for him for branching out into the rap game. He has the potential to someday be a multi-talented threat like Shaquille O’Neal, but if we’re being honest, let’s face it. No one is as great as Shaquille O’Neal.

I also found it quite bold of “Drake” to rap about Family Matters and bring up Winslow right there in the first track. KANYE ALREADY DID WINSLOW, JIMMY. AND HE DID IT BETTER.

So far, I find your work to be trite and quite derivative. But we are still at track 1. Let’s see what else you have to offer.

2.     Furthest Thing – Not much stood out to me during this song until about 2:54.           I noticed they got that deep throat guy from Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” to do some guest vocals. He must be a serious partier because here is again, not giving a fuck. But this guest appearance gives me good memories of warm weather and “We Can’t Stop” which strangely gives me a glimmer of hope for the rest of the album.

3.     Started from the Bottom – This album is starting to pick up a little now. I’m feelin’ the groove. Getting more into it.

But, eh…kind of repetitive. Ok, repetitively catchy.

4.     Wu-Tang Forever – Shout out. But its about a girl. It’s always about a girl.

Oh, dang. Fucking out of spite? Does he know my life? Tell me more, “Drake.”

5.     Own it – Can’t decide if the transition between songs was smooth or unceremonious.

6.     Worst Behaviour – Ok, Drake. Good job. Owning your Canadian roots by including the “u” in the title. Also, Degrassi reference! Bonus points!

305 – Drake’s got the hook up at customs. Canadian or American?  

***Then I fell asleep.

New Years Resolutions 2014


By Glenn

This website has a notorious reputation for posting New Year's Resolutions and then forgetting about them like drowned hero Caylee Anthony. The staff first posted resolutions back in 2010 (the worst year on record), followed up by Glenn and Jake in 2011 and staff/Ryan in 2012. In 2013 there was no point because the world had ended on the Aztec Apocalypse® brought to you by State Farm Insurance. But now that the world is back, so is we I! Here are my 100% actual and real New Year's Resolutions® brought to you by Circuit City.

Stop Checking Facebook so much
I've opened and closed the Facebook.com website probably 20-30 times in the hour I've been attempting to write this article.  It would be more frequent but it's late at night and most of the teens I know are in bed.  I could deactivate my account but then the obsessive behavior would switch to Twitter or Snapchat, which a young person recently explained to me. This is by far the most difficult resolution and that's just the way Facebook likes it.

Stop Eating Candy and Cookies
Because I was raised by Midwesterners and have some genetic disorder, in me there is a strong inclination for junk food (similar to junk websites like Facebook).  This one sounds the hardest but I've done a similar boycott in 2012 in the period leading up the Summer Olympics (unrelated) and it's hard for me to be self righteous about other people's food choices if I make bad ones myself.

Stop Eating Old Batteries
Though it did get me on an as-of-yet-unaired episode of FXX's "My Crazy Obsession," eating batteries has otherwise produced no tangible benefits except a possible inoculation against autism.  And - not to be crude on a family site - "passing" them is not a pleasant experience, especially with the horrendous anal fissures I experienced throughout 2013.  2014 will be battery-free for me!

Switch to Paul or George
A great internet commenter once said...
I have a favorite beatle theory....you start off loving Ringo because as a child he is the one you identify with, you then either became a Paul or John fan depending on how angry you are as a teen, now then I think if you stay with Paul you remain a Paul fan and I don't know how I feel about that..if you go with John you either become entirely insufferable or you evolve into a George fan, beware anyone who's favorite Beatle is George before they are in their 20's. You can remain a george fan for the rest of your life and be perfectly fine if not a bit smug but in an Eastern philosophy sort of smug. I started off with Ringo, went to John, then George and I am now a Paul fan because I think he is the best songwriter in the band. If you stay on the Ringo stage you don't really like the Beatles, the other three all give you different paths but your path is determined when you decided that this was your favorite Beatle. A teenager who loves Paul songs exclusively is not someone whom you would like to spend time with much as a John fan in their 30's is not someone you would want to spend a lot of time with. Also note, I do not believe there is another musical group that could inspire this type of detail. Thank you.
...and I guess he's right. But I now have the Lennon boxed set and really wanted to start going through it.  Does anyone have a used W*I*N*G* cassette I could borrow? Just borrow!  Please comment if so. 

Learn Every World Capital
Not since battling my elementary school principle on multiplication flashcards in 3rd grade have I used what is essentially a party trick to convince myself and a few others of above average intelligence.  Unfortunately due to heavy DMT/LSD usage I've forgotten many of the capitals I used to know and let's face it: I never really KNEW Africa.  Since I love parties and hope one day to be shouting out answers to a high school geography club relentlessly quizzing me, it's time to finally learn them all for 2014 and forever.  Even Comoros.

Use Google
Surprisingly, I have never used Google to search for something on the internet but, privacy concerns aside, it does seem to be the best search engine.  I will try it one time in 2014.

Writing more on this website

Debate: Warm Water or Cold Water?

By Jake and Glenn

Water: what is it good for?  Absolutely...everything!?  That's right, water is what some people in the private sector call the liquid of life.  Other's let it pass through their interior system and spray it out on their lover's face/body.  One thing is certain: without water, we'd be dead.  This debate is about which temperature of water is better: warm or cold.  Quickly cast your votes and then read ahead to see if you were correct.

Jake: Nothing is as refreshing as a nice warm glass of water after one mows the lawn on a scorching summer day.  The sun sits high in the sky and all you can think about is taking a glass of ice cold water and putting it in the microwave for 30 seconds on power level 5, right?    Not only is warm water more refreshing than cold water, it is also better for your body.  Did you know that if you only had cold water to drink you would be dead within 30 years!  This is why the lifespan of cro magnon man was so dismal.  It is also why most people without microwaves who live in the Sudan die so young.

Glenn: As a teenager I mowed our lawn on a near weekly basis - sometimes after a violent urging from my mentally unstable parents.  While listening to Pearl Jam on my headphones lessened the physical discomfort to push one of those old fashioned push reel mowers in the stifling heat, what made it all worth it was a bone-chilling cold glass of water.  Fact: cold water tastes great which is why youth sports coaches keep water in coolers for children before molesting them. Did you know that the only people who prefer warm water are those possessed by a demon or other entity?  Cold water makes the demon uncomfortable.  

Jake: Fact: cold water and warm water taste exactly the same.  Their only difference is temperature.  If I was crawling through the sand of a desert, burning my hands and knees on the sun heated grains, and one of the onlookers offered me an ice cold glass of water, I would say, ‘no thank you, sir,” and refuse the liquid.  If I died, then so be it.  Let my epitaph read, “He is a true warm water fellow/Warm water always kept him mellow.”  Cold water is for the birds, which is why I can never get one to bathe in my bird bath.  To quote your favorite band Pearl Jam, “Warm water has spoken, hey-ey-ey-ey.”

Glenn:  Just today I spent the day outdoors as part of a union picket against a hostile corporation and in the searing, bone-melting sun I thirsted for water.  Thankfully there was a Wendy’s nearby so I filled up my reusable water bottle there while Vietnamese teens made fun of me in Vietnamese.  Why would Wendy’s, McDonad’s, Arby’s, El Pollo Loco and all nursing homes owned by Consulate Health Care serve cold water to their customers/prisoners?  Because it tastes the best!  And because of the health benefits: did you know cold water brings down your body temperature faster after a workout or exercise?  For those of you who aren’t on a rascal yet, this is very important if your body is overheating, like our wretched, overpopulated Earth.

Jake: What is better than soaking in a tub full of warm water after a hard workout?  Practically nothing.  Certainly not soaking in cold water.  That would give you the bends to high heaven.  Fuck cold water and the horse it was pissed out of.  Warm water is relaxing, delicious and invigorating.  Cold water will lower your body temperature to dangerous levels.  Drinking cold water is a death sentence, much like many of the sentences in the Necronomicon.  Warm water is pure bliss.  Have a nice tall glass of warm water and your chi will thank you, and then you will thank me!

Glenn:  You’re right to reference piss and wrong to associate it with cold water.  Our piss CANNOT be cold to the heat that emanates from our groin area - the same heat that’s amplified by a laptop that slowly makes us sterile in a diabolical plot to deal with overpopulation.  Piss is warm and drinking warm water is like drinking urine. For piss fetishists this is a huge drawing point but most of us prefer a relaxing glass of cold water while we have passion-free, missionary sex with our distant cousins.  Even though this debate is about what to drink, I should mention cold water is also great for decreasing your sex drive.  This planet, filled with warm water oceans, may be doomed but perhaps we can slow things down a bit by saving the cold water in the Arctic and drinking ourselves that which has been artificially cooled. Thank you and god bless America and its coldest water.

Hot Halloween Tips

By Jake

Halloween is coming up, and you know what that means, young women dressed up like sexy cats.  And even though that might sound great, in theory, Halloween can be a source of great anxiety to those of us who aren’t young women.  Since September, you have probably been sitting in your shack, looking through all of the hottest Halloween catalogs for a jaw dropping costume that is sure to stop the 14 year-old girls in their tracks.  Here you are, still costume-less and ready to pull one of the razor blades out of the apples and slide it from your wrist to your elbow.  Fear not, youngsters, I am here to offer some hot tips for Halloween.

* If you plan on not dressing up for Halloween this year, simply tell anybody who asks you that you are dressing up as them for Halloween or tell them you’re going as a toilet.

* If you have children, take them to a chicken farm and tell them that a chicken’s cloaca is what human genitals are supposed to look like.  

* If you decide to dress up, go as a character from your favorite 90s alternative song: Spoon Man, Heart Shaped Box, the Man in the Box, the Teen Spirit, the Sandman, Jeremy, or Jason Vaseline from Stone Temple Pilot’s smash hit.

* Smash Mouth haunted house

* Watch Dr. Giggles if you’re in the mood for a comedy and Season 2 of Mad About You if you’re in the mood to fall asleep.

* A rock opera based on Homies figurines.  I know this isn’t a Halloween idea, but it is a pretty good idea nevertheless.

* Spooky Gangnam Style

* Hang out in a bathroom stall, when a dick comes through the glory hole, dress it up as a ghost.  Ghost dick.

* Every time you sneeze, try saying “boo” to make it scarier.

* Dress your real doll up as a witch.

* Carve a pentagram into a pizza pie!