Oscar Picks 2015

By Glenn and Jake

It feels like just last year we successfully (and unethically) predicted the Academy Awards Best Picture winner.  This has been a huge year for films and an even bigger year for movies. In 2014 we saw crazy surrealism, measured proselytizing, shooting and a boy literally grow up right before our eyes.  Finally the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences listened to White America and refused to nominate any people of color for major awards unless you count Mexican Alejandro González Iñárritu or twee Wes Anderson.  On February 22nd, thousands of people will gather in front of their smart phones and illegally stream the 2015 Academy Awards, holding the device in one hand and a printed copy of this article in the other.  Watch out for paper cuts when you scream in exaltation at our correct prediction of Best Picture winner!


2015 Best Picture Nominees


Imitation Game/Theory of Everything


Glenn says... Who can keep these movies straight? Not me, and I’m straight myself, unlike the lead characters in these films.  Both are about troubled scientists who overcome a disability, based loosely on the story of Timothy McVeigh. 

Jake says... Everywhere you go these days everybody seems to be talking about Game of Theory.  All the nudity and dragons has America harder than a sodoku puzzle and wetter than your mom's pussy when she's watching Lonesome Dove.  This is a TV show so it has no shot.


Mortdecai


Glenn says.. Mordecai (sic) is this year’s dark horse candidate.  Its incredibly successful marketing campaign led to the famous unprecedented $700 million dollar opening weekend and even less precedented and less famous $800 million dollar closing weekend, all in the same month!  The film had to close early because America couldn’t handle any more...decai.  

Jake says... Mortdecai was a very surprising pick for the Academy. This nomination is more shocking than the time The Mountie used hid shock stick on Job Bush at the 2015 New Hampshire primaries.


Boyhood
Glenn says... Probably my favorite of the fifteen movies nominated this year.  As someone who used to be a traditionally gendered boy, seeing this movie reminded me of that time in my life, down to the detailed depictions of staying up late in IRC wrestling chat rooms.  Some people were taken aback because nothing explodes in the film, not even the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in 1995, but hopefully that bizarre exclusion won’t take away from the powerful anti-government message about growing up and the small moments that make our lives worth remembering.    

Jake says... This prequel to Parenthood is missing the heart of the original film: Steve Martin. Getting Zachary Braff was a great casting move, but making it a musical seems like a real blunder. Boyhood needs to go through puberty.


Birdman
Glenn says... Heard it took twelve years to film...felt like twelve years to watch!

Jake says... Is he a bird or a man? He's a Birdman. Michael Chrytron has done it again and this time it's personal, because this is a biopic. Chrytron is known for being ice cold in his crime epics, but this movie will give you frostbite.


God’s Not Dead/Heaven Is For Real/Saving Christmas
Glenn says... This movie, released in three versions, challenged a lot of Christians belief in how loosely you can define what constitutes a "movie."  There was a lot wrong with this film including the final fight scene between the AntiChrist (depicted by Greg Kinnear) and Hercules (depicted by Kirk Cameron) - especially baffling when you consider TV’s Hercules Kevin Sorbo was right there on set as a Key Grip! - but never underestimate the power of Christian movies amongst the liberal Hollywood elite.

Jake says... Not often does the Academy nominate three movies as one nomination, but I guess they did this time around. I'd like to look in their heads and see how they tick, you know. Just look at all of those wires and those gears turning, lubricating the bits that need it. I guess that's just the clock maker in me coming out. There might not be a god, but these movies prove that there are still quality films being churned out in Hollywood.


Selma
Glenn says... Making fun of Selma will get you virtually drawn and quartered on both tumblr and twitter, so don’t even think about it.  I know when to fold my hand and it’s whenever there’s a race card in it. Pass!

Jake says... I hated when the president of the Selma fan club murdered her.


American Sniper
Glenn says... One of the two “politicized” movies up for Best Picture this year, opposition and support have fallen along traditional ideological lines.  Iraqis and others of Middle Eastern descent have rallied in favor of the movie since it provides so many acting jobs for a group of people normally discriminated against in our racist society.  Meanwhile the Veterans of Foreign Wars famously burned an effigy of Clint Eastwood during last year’s CPAC in protest of what they called a “disgustingly pro-Bradley Cooper film.”  Controversy means $$$ but not Best Picture award. 

Jake says... American Sniper? What is this movie about: legendary roast master Jeffrey Ross? Seriously though, being hired as a murderer by the government should give everyone pause and make them reevaluate the system we are participating in and making movies glorifying it is despicable. Plus, having a cartoon cat named Buzzby telling Chris Kyle to shoot brown people is in poor taste.


Planes: Fire & Rescue
Glenn says... A fantastic film with a show-stealing voice performance by Marion Cotillard as Deandra, the rescue plane.  Most people will dismiss this "kids movie" out of hand, as if the things that children enjoy - sports, parties, having sex - have no value.  But I thought this had a much more nuanced depiction of combat, rescue, fire and mental illness than any this year's films.  The question everyone is wondering: will its overt anti-Semitism doom it before the Elders of the Academy?

Jake says... I would FIRE anybody who doesn't PLANes to see this movie and RESCUE anybody who is being sexually assaulted in front of me.


Our Picks
Glenn says... Most believe this is Boyhood's turn to win Best Picture, having failed to win during each of the previous 12 years it was nominated while in production.  But there were others that dealt with important political and social subject matter. Selma captured the intensity and drama of a very important historical period and its subject matter is still relevant today.  American Sniper was finally the breakthrough Iraq War movie that allowed us as a country to begin processing the complicated feelings left in its aftermath.  Planes: Fire & Rescue had planes who talked.  Ultimately the best picture will go to Mortdecai, who will then be promoted to #fulltimerogue.  See you on the red carpet! 

Jake says… For the first time in over 1200 years of film, I think the Academy is not going to award any movies a statue. It's a shame, too, because all of these movies were very funny. 

Debate: Tinder

By Jake and Glenn

Tinder, like Plenty Of Fish and Silk Road before it, has revolutionized online dating.  Dispensing with the well thought out religious-based personality matchmaking of sites like EHarmony or the crude religious-based sexual matchmaking of JDate, Tinder allows us to interact while simultaneously embracing both our most base and most romantic natures.  People that in a previous generation would have been consigned to a sanitorium for the rest of their lives can now “swipe right” and enjoy the same thrills of despair and rejection as people without crippling social anxiety.  Today Jake and Glenn return to the debate forum with a long awaited dialogue on online dating app Tinder.  Please don’t “swipe left.”

Jake: After my marriage fell apart like a house of cards or, rather, like the Netflix original program House of Cards, Tinder was the first place I turned to find a date. As a non-drinker, it can be difficult to meet a person to spend time with in a romantic way.  Plus, as a man who is not a rapist, I would never have sex with a drunk person unless they had given me consent while sober. This is why Phi Beta Pi revoked my membership, even after I had paid my dues and purchased 30 togas. Tinder has allowed me to swipe right into dating without having to leave the comfort of my favorite crying chair.

Glenn: I love that there’s an app that allows you to directionally swipe with your obese thumb, but I can’t support Tinder.  Tinder is an app that forces men (and presumably women) to make snap judgments on other people not based on their religion or where they went to college but purely on looks.  For a burn victim like me, this is a harrowing prospect, but I’m also not sure what it says about our society.  A perfectly respectable site like OKCupid, which I’ve used to date several Roma women, was already effective for meeting people.  You answered a few questions, gave a sperm sample, uploaded a shirtless picture and you were ready to go.  It was simple, but detailed enough you could judge on personality too. With Tinder, it’s only one picture that most people will swipe away but the ugliest among us will swipe right into their hearts.

Jake: I have learned several shocking things from Tinder (JFK's involvement in the moon landing, the ending of Princess Diaries 2, and who assassinated Bruiser Brody), but the most shocking thing I have learned is that I am fairly handsome. After being with a closeted lesbian for ten years, this was a truly shocking revelation. Though, the most attractive woman I have went on a date with I met at the comedy club after she had an anxiety attack when Heywood Banks made fun of her for finding his gentle guitar comedy boring. My point is this: Tinder can boost your self esteem based purely on looks.

Glenn: I feel for people with low self-esteem.  Although it’s not an issue I face, I understand the appeal of an app that makes you believe other people think you’re hot.  But what about those who you swipe left for?  The obese, the chronically engaged, the beef eaters?  What of their self esteem?  Recent statistics show that the vast majority of suicides stem from users not getting chosen on Tinder.  “A small price to pay for my own happiness!” you might exclaim while roughly chewing on a delicious roast beef sandwich from Hardee’s.  But most people don’t want any more blood on their hands than what they already have from participating in the meat-industrial complex.

Jake: The only roast beef I will be chewing on, sir, is the kind that sits between a lady’s legs.  This type of lady is the type I will meet on Tinder.  I will swipe right on the app and then swipe my tongue across her glistening pussy.  All of the HPV in the world can’t slow me down.  Yet, as the only writer on this site who has not contracted HPV, I do feel left out.  Tinder is fun.  It’s a game where you swipe people according to whether or not you would want to make love to them.  Then you talk to them and ask them if they’re going to catfish you.  If they say they’re not going to catfish you, you meet up with them and give them oral sex.  Then neither of you ever talk to each other again.  It’s the perfect system.  There’s also a chance that you might get your first kiss and that would be pretty neat-o.

Glenn: I too would like to have my first kiss.  For all the cunnilingus I’ve performed (and, arguably, received) I’ve never actually had that experienced so beautifully dramatized in Drew Barrymore’s hit film Never Been Kissed (1999). My debate opponent previously stated that the best looking human who agreed to a date was from real life, not Tinder.  But what would she have done if she saw you wearing a tuxedo shirt and novelty eyeglasses?  Swiped left, like an Arab man wiping his anus. I used to go on Hot or Not in the early 2000s and rate all the beautiful people as 1s and the ugly people as 10s.  Although I was on the site because pornography didn’t exist, that righteous feeling of righting what god did wrong sustained me through a very dark time.  Let that be a word of warning: the next person who swipes you right may be doing it for the wrong reasons.

10 Things You Will Remember if You Remember the 90s

By Jake

The 90s, the decade we reached sexual and spiritual maturity in. Whether it was by praying to a naked drawing of April O'Neal or performing fellatio on a priest during first communion, this is a universal truth of the 1990s. What are ten other things you may remember? Well, look at this:




1. That TV dinner that your mom threw at your dad when he called her selfish.

2. Macaroni and cheese. A true 90s treat.

3. Neon trenchcoats. Everybody was wearing them and we felt like we were in space.

4. Pills. Not only were we all flying high on a cocktail of barbiturates, but we all started taking those pills that made it so we didn't have to eat anymore. Thanks, Pfizer.

5. Gunk music. The sludge spouting guitars of Kirk Cobb had us enthralled and smelling truly what the Rock was cooking.

6. Those glasses. You know the ones I'm talking about.

7. Kelp. Those of us who weren't taking nutrition pills were piling our plates sky high with kelp. Yummy!

8. Being a burn victim. Not everybody remembers this, but 73% of the population does and that's enough to bait those clicks. Right, ladies?

9. Alien Ant Farm. We all loved them and still do.

10. Looking into the abyss. We all remember when the sky opened and all encompassing darkness spilled out like cut on Sasha Grey's face. There was nothing we could do but stare into it and many of us lost many family members to starvation. Thankfully, it disappeared as suddenly as it appeared. Praise Xenu.

Make Divorce Work for You!

By Rishika



         Every year is a good year to get a divorce, but when your friends who are married to each other get divorced, it can put a real strain on the friend dynamic. Now, instead of one night of hanging out, it's two separate nights with each night representing the two separate people who are not married anymore.

          This is particularly distressing as a friend of both parties, because these two nights of hanging out really cut into my beauty sleep time. And since I'm still single and on the wrong side of 20, I cannot go without my beauty rest. My fertility is waning and no one wants to be with a barren gal with a face that looks like it got hit by Miley Cyrus' foot while she was swinging around on that wrecking ball.

           Which is why it is important to choose a #team, or, as the older generation calls it, "choosing sides."

           In the beginning, when things are first starting to fall apart and emotions are running high, it is important to stay neutral. As I've learned, you don't want to prematurely jump ship from a person who may prove to be a valuable companion.  Hence, this article. Since divorce seems to be the thing to do these days, I've provided a guide that will hopefully prove useful to those who's social circle has been shaken by an act committed by two very selfish people who don't care about their friends.

                         1. Who has more money?
This is the big one. If chosen correctly, the moneybags half of the couple will be so grateful for your friendship that they will want to be your roommate. And with the freedom of their spending power, you can afford to live large. Like a successful rapper or a housewife with a C-level husband. Suddenly, that large, 42nd-floor downtown condo or Southern style mansion in a warmer climate is your home too.

                         2. Who can best advance my career in comedy?
Who has the most connections in Hollywood? Who has experience in the best practices for mitigating PR nightmares? What is leverage and how do I get it? If chosen correctly, HBO and Comedy Central will be fighting over you like your friends fought over custody of that priceless Ming vase that was a wedding gift from their dearly departed old neighbor, Mr. Lodge.

                         3. Who has the most attractive friends?
After all, with your fertility on the decline, you need to find a person who has already been vetted by your trusted friend. There's no time for "get-to-know-yous" and "howdy-doos." It needs to be a straightforward, "Howdy-DO IT TO ME NOW!"

          Hopefully I was able to answer your most pressing questions and made your #team choice a bit easier. Obviously, many questions are brought up during divorce and it's impossible to answer every single one of them as situations tend to vary like a family with a beautiful rainbow of multi-national adopted children.

           If your friends are getting divorced and you have more questions that weren't answered here, feel free to email me at ptwnbrwn (at) gmail (dot) com.




                        

                      

   


Comedy and Depression

By Jake

Ever since Robin Williams mercifully took his own life, people have been looking at the link between comedy and depression. Why are comedians so depressed? Why aren't comedians even considered human beings? Exactly how many women did serial rapist Bill Cosby drug and rape? The answer to most of these questions are unsettling, but the answer to the last is the most so.



The reason I believe a person would ever choose to go on stage with the express goal of making people laugh by telling them one of their awkwardly crafted dick or pussy jokes has to do with a mixture of narcissism and self-loathing. You don't have to hate yourself to love yourself, but you do have to hate yourself to love doing comedy. Plus, you also have to think what you have to say is worth subjecting on a hive-minded group of greasy dipshits.

Do I have contempt for the audience of comedy shows? It depends on how much they enjoy my jokes, of course. If they don't like my jokes then they are stupid, if they do like my jokes then they are smart and beautiful.

Performing doesn't take courage (or often times more crassly put, "balls," referring to a man's testicles). Performing takes a deep-seeded hatred of yourself and everything in the world, mixed with a love so strong that you are about to explode from it, and from all of the maggots you accidentally ate thinking they were Tic-Tacs. Much like believing in God, performing comedy is a sign of mental illness in itself.

When I go more than the standard three days without performing stand-up, I start going through withdrawals. It's like when I don't take my prescribed Paxil and black out, only to find myself drilling gloryholes in the Arby's bathroom. Nobody even eats at Arby's! Why would I install a gloryhole where there are no dicks to suck and fuck? Anyway, comedy is fueled by mental illness, but also can relieve some of the pressure of said affliction. I start feeling depressed when I miss out on my weekly goal of stage time (3 sets is my goal, but is hard to meet in a city where the club owner is jealous of other stages and will yell at you for doing other shows in the city limits).

Comedy is fueled by the every day pain of life. Comedians notice and feel this pain more than anybody, but react differently to it. I reacted to my divorce by writing thirty jokes about polio. Your average person would just cut themselves, and they would be right! In a way, writing jokes is my version of cutting myself. And, brothers and sisters, I am all scarred up.


Glenn's 2015 Resolutions (and 2014 reviewed)


By Glenn

As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed.  Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.

2014 Resolutions



Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah.  This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time.  I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed

Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Verdict: Failed

Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera.  If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed

Use Google
Couldn't do it.  Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Verdict: Failed

Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing.  Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food.  It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream. 
Verdict: Success

2015 Resolutions



Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable. 

Sell my books 
Notice a fucked up book pattern here?  My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.

Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often.  That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse.  Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?

Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it.  That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music.  At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets.  This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.

Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it.  Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen.  OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana').  Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s. 

2015 New Years Resolutions


By Staff

As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed.  With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ.  The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014.  Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions.  Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.

Jake’s Resolutions



2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.

1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.

2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.

3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends?  Nobody.  I’m just a piece of shit, obviously.  So I will just do what my heroes do.

4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.

5. Find out if men are different from women.  This is important.  I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.

Rishika's Resolutions


Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.

1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.
2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.
5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.

Ryan's Resolutions


Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...

2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.

3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.

4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.

5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”

6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.

7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).

8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?

9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).

10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.

11. Suicide by cop.

Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!

One Year in Texas' Person of the Year 2014: Taylor Swift

By Jake

Every year One Year in Texas chooses one person who made the biggest impact in the calendar year via secret ballot. This year we chose Taylor Swift from a long list of people who outperformed all others. Congratulations, Taylor. You deserve the honor.



I went through a lot of personal strifes and triumphs in the year of our lord 2014. From my wife leaving me to take up wind-surfing, to performing stand-up comedy in front of Pauly Shore, this has been a year of true ups and downs. Thanks to a beautiful young songstress known to the world as Taylor (Ms. Swift if you're nasty, but I am not), I learned how to deal with all of the negativity in my life. She told me to "Shake it Off," and when a young millionaire tells you to do something you are all ears, figuratively.

There has not been a singer as charming as Taylor Swift since Lou Diamond Phillips took the role as Ritchie Valens in the feature film "La Bamba." Taylor Swift oozes a delightful awkward confidence that many performers can relate to. I can relate to it, but I am a worse dancer than Taylor, but I believe that I am a better stand-up comedienne than she. Time will tell on that one, though.

Her album 1989 came out like lightning out of Thor's hammer. Or lightning out of Emperor Palpatine's fingers. Or lightning out of the clouds. The point is this: her album is like lightning. Every song is an electrifying bolt emanating from the boombox which holds the cassette I copied from the Target Deluxe CD release of her album.



While "Shake it Off" is the best song ever recorded, it is also the second worst song on the album–the first being "Bad Blood." This is known as the Taylor Swift Paradox. It is a term I invented and will surely be used in academia in the years coming.

Let's not even mention how I cry while listening to "This Love." Please, nobody mention this.

Taylor, this is for you. You are a marvel of the modern world and you deserve this honor like I deserved to have my wife leave me. We all get what we deserve.