Latest Posts

3/10/10

Corey Haim's Last Blog Post


By Corey Haim 

Hi,

You may know me from such things as the movie 'Lost Boys' and being dead today. What you may not know is that I wrote this post for One Year In Texas before I perished. Well, I guess you do know if you're reading this but still, you'd be surprised at how thick some of these One Year In Texas readers are.

You may be wondering why I chose to address the OYIT audience and from beyond the grave. I don't have any answers for that, I'm dead remember? Thick skulls... Anyway I wanted make one last meaningful statement before my legacy is lost in a haze of The Two Coreys reality TV marathons. I want to take this opportunity to apologize, not for myself, but for all of humanity. I am not personally responsible any more than you. But we are all equally guilty. People are cruel, evil creatures. That's what sets us apart from other living beings. They don't chose to cause terror even when they do cause terror. We can't help but chose to take the actions we take. Or at least that is our perception - that we make choices. But this is a false perception. Our actions are as predestined as any worker ant driven solely by pheromone scent. Our scents are more sophisticated of course, but are no more meaningful.

What I mean to say is that from the time you are born your brain, your perceptions, you, are shaped and influenced by external events and stimuli. These first reactions build a beautiful system of unique synaptic pathways that ultimately give the impression of a fully constituted human, someone with the ability and power to make independent choices. But your choices and actions and everything about your person-hood are predetermined by what influence has come before. Your thoughts, your morals, even your feelings are wholly determined by the past.

In this moment you have no more independent control over what you do than an ant even though it feels as though you do. Some view this as tragic. But in reality, what benefit would be derived from it, what would it even mean, being an independent being not influenced by the past? The notion is as meaningless as Kierkegaard saying that we can't understand God's logic. If we can't understand it through our own logic, then it is meaningless. If we were able to be in a state where our actions and thoughts weren't predetermined by prior events we may as well just be a rock.

So, it is not tragic that humanity lacks free will. But it is tragic that we exist in the first place. I no longer do. I'm sorry. So long, suckers!
read more...

Oh Come On! (Music Video Meltdown)

By Jake 

I woke up and to my surprise Nate didn't post a Good Morning article like he said he would.

Correction: Nate did actually write a GM post, but scheduled it instead of posting it. Sorry Nate.


This video presents a very convincing anti-piracy rap. If somebody rapped to me about piracy when I was 10 years old I wouldn't have downloaded the complete Mr. Magoo last night.


This guy knows what's up. He has a ton of videos like this, which makes him either great or horrible. I'm pretty sure there's no inbetween.


Giving Paul Lynde a variety show special is one of the most befuddling moves that a TV network has made, ranking up there with giving Emeril a sitcom.


Rounding up the video meltdown is this classic rapvertisement. I just coined that term, so please give me credit when you use it.

Well, there you go. Maybe I'll just do this on Wednesdays if people like it. I like posting videos because I don't have to write that much.

Xoxoxoxo,
Jake
read more...

Crazy Morning Heart-On

By Nate

The Dude Abides:



All that hype from Maddie and me a few weeks ago has been justified by the Academy.

HUMP DAY REVIEW:

The Smithsonian has inducted the most important and symbolic symbol from Inauguration Day 2009 into its museum: Michelle Obama's ball gown.

Upon the passage of health care reform, Rush Limbaugh has pledged he will to move to Costa Rica - a state that abolished its army in 1949 to provide universal health care to its people.

In another ironic statement, Sarah Palin said she went to Canada to receive health care as a child. I'm frankly surprised she survived to tell about it.

Karl Rove wrote a book. No CIA agents were outed with its publication.

If you are one of the 40% of people who believe the Earth was formed through Creationsim, then please, by all means, go to Liberty University and reaffirm your belief by taking the class and receiving a fake college degree.

And to wrap this up, Congressman Eric Massa, D-NY, groped some staffers and resigned Tuesday. Glenn Beck, who used to refer to Massa as a terrorist, welcomed him to his show as a hero.

THIS WEEK IN THE FUTURE:

Saturday, the state of New Mexico will recognize Pluto as a planet mainly because that's what it was known as for almost a century. New Mexico is in the "Sun Belt." Old people retire there. Those old troglodytes hate change.

Pi Day is Sunday. How many decimal places of pi can you recite from memory?

DICK OF THE WEEK:



Dennis Kucinich won't vote for health care reform because it isn't liberal enough even though he might be the deciding vote against the bill.

What a dick.

NEXT WEEK:

The Ides of March! Poll: which OYIT writer would you most like to see betrayed and stabbed? Answer in the comments.

PREDICTIONS:

Mikey will win the poll, and Bub, Glenn, and Jake will conspire in the stabbing.
read more...

3/9/10

I Hate You If...

By Jake (first 10) and Maddie (last 10) 



You comment on songs on Last.fm or MP3 blogs as if the artists read them.

You devote your entire life to reglion.

You don't use your turn signal while driving.

You don't recycle.

You're fat, but you still drink regular instead of diet soda.

You and your twin created your own language.

You make a living by playing video games.

You make a living by playing a card game.

You're not a fan of Life with Mikey.

You hunt animals as a sporting event.

----
You hate Jake.

You killed Martin Luther King Jr.

You wear an ironic mustache for over two months.

You masturbate in public.

You didn't cry during Million Dollar Baby.

You aren't following Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) on Twitter.

Your favorite David Bowie song is "Dancing in the Street."

Your favorite Mick Jagger song is "Dancing in the Street."

You watch the Oscars "just for the fashion."

You TIVO Veronica's Closet reruns.
read more...

Tuesday, I Hear You Calling

By Jake 

You were surely expecting Maddie today, but she politely asked me to "cover" her Good Morning article this week. I reluctantly accepted and here we are, both confused and trying to think of something better to do.

A Link
Watch The Simpsons Online
The Simpsons is the funniest show on television. This link is to a website that has all of the episodes of The Simpsons online to stream. If you email me I can tell you some good episodes to watch in Season 13 and beyond (the ones that aren't on DVD yet).

How About a Picture?

That's right, I'm still taking pictures of that street light in front of my house at night.

A Haiku
Matthew Broderick
Ferris Bueller's Day Off's star
Is a Broadway hit

Hopefully Maddie will be back next week and nobody will ask me to write one of these for them, not only for my benefit, but for us all. Have a great and remember to keep it real, but not too real.

Answer These Questions in the Comments Please
Does Broderick only have 2 syllables
Is Jennifer Anniston the best comedic actress?
What's the deal with those trucks that spray bug poison?
read more...