No Direction: An Interview with Music Icon Billy William Sanskrit

By Bub 

Legendary performer and cultural icon Billy William Sanskrit is one of the most prolific entertainers and song writers of the past fifty years. One Year In Texas has an exclusive conversation with the reclusive and eccentric star:

Billy William agreed to do the interview in the gymnasium of a high school he had built on his estate. The school offers classes to carnival children on subjects as varied as cotton candying and corn balling to a three day seminar featuring Billy himself lecturing on the first two Punic Wars.

For the first fifteen minutes I was asked to sit in silence, focusing my attention on a lithograph of Civil War Major General Napoleon Jackson Tecumseh Dana while Billy William polished his belt and hat buckles.






When he was ready, his manager told me, Billy would sneeze holding one finger to his nose. This was trickier to gauge than I anticipated as Billy sneezed repeatedly while polishing his buckles, always covering his nostrils with two or more fingers to test my fortitude while I tried to make an accurate finger count out of the corner of my gaze, still directed toward the visage of the Major General.

Luckily I had gotten it right on the single finger sneeze as when I looked up from the picture I was not immediately escorted out off of the premises. I began the interview by asking, 'Zen and the art of... buckle polishing?'

Billy William: That was a book I wrote with Robert Pirsig when we were moonlighting as false prophets at a Moorish Science Temple in Dearborn, Michigan. Michael, as I called him, wound up stealing my ideas and changing every word in the book that originally read 'buckle polishing' to 'motorcycle momma'. He stole my motorcycle momma too, some years later, after he decided to change the word 'momma' to 'maintenance'. He was a dictionary publisher at the time, and I was an encyclopedia salesman, and well, you know what happened from there of course, that's why you're here.

Me: You became a star?

Billy William: Well, yes. In the literal sense. But years before I had become an artist.

Me: How did that come about?

Billy William: Well I already told you the Robert Pirsig story, but I guess that's just not enough for you media types. If you had any ideas in your head, instead of printing words you'd fill that magazine with pressed flowers and pictures of vomiting horses and a hologram of Jesus Christ crying from a broken heart in front of a Burger King. That's reality, but you wont see that in any magazine, because it doesn't exist. (Begins humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic, getting louder as I ask my next question)

Me: Tell me more about your reality?

Billy William: HMMM HMMM, HMMM HMMM, HMMMMMMM. (whispers) I don't need to tell you because I just wrote it as your epitaph on your misshapen headstone.

Me: Your conversion to Mormonism, mistake or mishap?

Billy William: I didn't convert to anything. The whole world uncoverted around me, and so I was left there holding the bag. The the fans tried to blame me for it, but it wasn't my fault. Quetzalcoatl set this whole wheel a spinnin' ages ago and it aint gonna stop until the year 2012. I wrote a movie about it, but James Cameron stole the script and changed the title to 'Avatar'.

Me: What wisdom has come with age?

Billy William: I didn't get any wiser, in fact I've regressed. I used to think thoughts like 'tire fire childrens' toys', and now I can only think about buckles and not even in an abstract way. That's not to say I don't appreciate the simple joys in life. I've got a buckle for every season, I eat at Burger King on Tuesdays and Sundays, and I ghost-write successful movie scripts.

Me: What about your music?

Billy William: I thought that's what we were referring to with all this 'buckle' talk.

Me: And the Hanukkah album?

At this point two chains drop down from the rafters and Billy's assistants fasten them to his chair. He is lifted up and is left suspended twenty feet above me where I can hear him whistling 'Disturbia' by Rihanna. I took this as my cue to leave.

........................................


Though I didn't take away a lot from our interview I learned a valuable lesson about brilliant enigmas. Don't try to understand them or you just may slip past the surly bounds of Earth, and wind up touching the face of God.

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Fast Food

By Mikey 

As frequent readers of my One Year in Texas article Life With Mikey will tell you, I eat a lot of fast food. It's my greatest weakness. It's my Kryptonite. I don't really think of myself as Superman, but I hope some people do. Maybe my son does, but he usually rolls his eyes when I tell him one of my lines from my article. Yet, I can hit a baseball way further than him at the batting cage. Kind of shows you what kids know.

I want to take a deeper look at fast food in this article. I was originally going to title this article "Fast Food Nation" but I searched it on Yahoo and saw that some guy wrote a book with that title. I'm going to go deeper into the delicious world of fast food than I can in my other article. We're going to even talk about Hardee's and White Castle. That's how deep I'm going. For this article I'm going to stay away from pizza places, I think that could be an article in itself, and one that I'm dying to do the field research on, if you know what I mean.

Arby's
This is by far the best fast food establishment I have ever dined in. The building was beautiful and when I sat down in my booth I felt like I was sitting in my favorite chair at home in front of the TV for a McGuyver marathon. When the steam from my food hit my nose I drooled on my shirt a little. I tried to dab it out of my shirt with a napkin, but I just spread it around. I guess my only negative review of Arby's is that their napkins are not that great. They're not bad, but they're far from perfect (unlike their classic roast beef sandwich).

McDonald's
Mickey Dee's, as the kids call it, is the most famous restaurant in America and probably the world. Going there is like returning home from college for the first time. You feel comfortable but you can't wait to leave. I enjoy a Big Mac from time-to-time, but the Breakfast is where it's at. A Sausage McMuffin is one of the greatest food items on God's Earth. I feel like I understand the universe when I bite into one.

Burger King
BK has a pretty weak breakfast menu, but they make a killer chicken sandwich. As you may recall, I slammed Arby's chicken sandwich when I reviewed their sandwiches. Well, it's he opposite at BK. I don't like their burger that much. The Big Mac is basically the only burger I'm going to pay someone else to make for me. A burger is one of the few things I can make. Burger King relies too heavily on the burger, and why shouldn't they? It is in their name. Maybe they should change their name to Chicken King and have more great chicken sandwiches on their menu.

Hardee's
Their burgers used to have names like "monster" and "star" but now they're called "Angus." Angus is a better name for a rock and roller than it is for a burger. They do taste good though and Hardee's has curly fries. You can't go wrong with curly fries. Now that's a slogan I'd wear on a t-shirt!

Long John Silver's
Now this is a weird one. They mostly have fish and chicken. Their fish is good and their chicken is not bad, but what I like is their hush puppies. These are basically deep fried bread. If you think deep fried bread sounds bad then you shouldn't even be reading this. I would get a bucket of those if I could.

A&W
I don't have anything against A&W. Lord knows that I love a good rootbeer. The standout at A&W is the Papa Burger. I guess it's just a burger with a lot of regular things on it like lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, onions, pickles and cheese, but it has a funny name. I think anybody who orders a Moon's Over My-Hammy from Denny's would enjoy a hunger quenching Papa Burger and some onion rings. Make sure to wash it down with a rootbeer!

White Castle
White Castle is the original fast food restaurant, but it's also the worst. Their burgers are so small. It makes me feel like giant, but after I eat it I feel sick. You don't need to know what comes after that. Call me when you get bigger burgers.

Wendy's
Wendy is an iconic character on the same level as the Burger King King or Ronald McDonald (or at least Grimmace). They get points for thinking outside the box. They have square hamburgers! So does White Castle, but theirs are small and greasy and Wendy's are big enough for a meal. Their fries are okay, but the frosty is one of the greatest frozen drinks I've had. It's like a milk shake and ice cream had a baby. I don't like ice cream, but I like its baby.

My favorite is Arby's. I think that goes without saying. My least favorite is White Castle, although I respect that they were first. When I order a burger I want to be full, not sick. Hopefully this helped you choose where you'll be spending your lunch hours.

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2009 Oscar Predictions

By Jake and Glenn




The Academy is the most prestigious award in America. It's more important than WWE's Slammy, NASA's Glossiest Rocket, Burger King's Most Flame Broil'd Burger, Uncle Tom's Most Indestructible Cabin and Osama bin Laden's Greatest Video Editor combined.

Today the Academy Awards came out - or dropped (in slang) - today. Some of the nominees may be surprising. We are focusing on the one award that means anything: Best Picture.

Best Picture Nominees

Iron Man

Glenn says... I never saw this movie because it was rated R and my mom wouldn't let me (I'm 26 but that doesn't mean she stopped caring about what I get exposed to). It is nice to see a comic book movie nominated for Best Picture this year, though.

Jake says... Iron Man is the story of a man made out of iron. The title is very apt and this man of iron stirs up quite a bit of trouble. First he heads over to Israel to destroy the Palestinians. Then he flies home to get wasted at his brother's wedding reception. The wedding scene is more epic than the Deer Hunters'. As far as films including weddings go, this was a great one.

Don't Mess with the Zohan

Glenn says... To be honest this film's nomination probably had more to do with the politics of the Israel excursion into Gaza than it did with the otherwise mediocre direction and score. If you don't know, Adam Sandler plays a former Mossad agent who becomes a hairstylist in New York. As the Academy unanimously condemned the Gaza attack, the film was likely nominated as a way to stave off anti-Semitic criticisms that had been building in the last few weeks from members of the Hollywood ADL.

Jake says... This film has a misleading title, because the first thing that happens is somebody messes with the Zohan. The rest of the movie is people trying to explain to the lead character, Thomas, why he should not have messed with the Zohan. This movie was very dialogue heavy. There were some really good long shots, though. I enjoyed a lot on the technical end, but didn't fully understand why one wouldn't want to mess with the Zohan. In the end the Zohan messes with Thomas, in a particularly bloody scene. It's like Carrie, kind of, but with way more dialogue and people drink too much coffee in this movie, don't you think?

The Bucket List

Glenn says... Middle aged people everywhere (except on the East Coast, West Coasts, areas with a median income of over $80,000 and areas with an accredited college or university within 30 minutes) thoroughly enjoyed this film about mortality and the power of friendship. No surprises on this nomination.

Jake says... This movie pails (get it?!?!?!) in comparison to some of the other nominated films. I was surprised to see this get a nomination, actually. I felt that the idea of old people dying and doing things was a little over done. It happens every day in the nursing home I work at. I mean, sure old people can do funny things like poop and lay in said poop, but mostly they just sit and wish their grandchildren would visit them. It's kind of depressing, minus the hilarious poop jokes they're constantly playing. This movie has Jack Nicholson, who was also nominated for Best Actor for this role. Nicholson was fabo in this, but the scene where he bungee jumps is a little unbelievable.

Vantage Point

Glenn says... Vantage Point is the only movie about an assassination to be nominated in four different categories since the film "The Assassination of Richard Nixon" starring Sean Penn. That film was really more about an ordinary man dealing with the difficult circumstances surrounding the dissolution of his family than it was any violent act. This film is about an actual assassination. This is my dark horse choice, ironically, because the movie is actually very lighthearted.

Jake says... From my vantage point this was a shoe-in for Best Pic nomination. I was right! This movie tells the story of an exploding bomb (the best kind) that is shot on cameras from various angles. The most interesting thing that happens in this movie is that Denzel Washington does a little kung fu. I didn't even know he knew how! I was literally cheering when he kicked the shit out of those Russians. It was like Rocky IV with balls. The balls were so huge I'd say they had elephantitis.


Baby Mama

Glenn says... Written, directed by and starring Tina Fey, Baby Mama was a chance to capitalize on her new mainstream appeal she gained from playing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately the movie was released months prior so never found a huge niche with audiences who were too busy seeing The Dark Knight for the seventh time. Amy Poehler's strong performance as a child's mother should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actress, but I'm sure Tina Fey will take this Best Picture nod as a consolation prize.

Jake says... Baby Mama is a movie starring Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Amy Poehler tricks Tina Fey into thinking she's pregnant in order to get money from her. The problem being that Fey is really excited to have a baby in her life. As the two grow closer, it becomes harder for Poehler to tell Fey she's not really pregnant. Then the impossible happens: she finds out she's really pregnant! This movie blew my mind like the .38-caliber handgun Brynn Hartman used to kill her husband, and wonderful comedian, Phil Hartman. It was heart warming and relevant to society and my personal life. I was once duped by a fake pregnancy, but that was because I threatened to leave my girlfriend if she started using drugs again, just like the situation between Brynn and Phil Hartman. Luckily, my girlfriend eventually told me the truth instead of killing me.

Our Pick To Win

Glenn's Pick: As I said, my dark horse is Vantage Point but it's called a dark horse because I don't think it will actually win. It's just a horse you can barely see in the night. The clear winner is Iron Man. This film broke all box office records, featured a legendary posthumous performance from Gwyneth Paltrow and successfully built upon the franchise's first film Iron Man Begins. Look for Iron Man to win Best Picture but lose the popular vote.

Jake's Pick: I will have to go with Vantage Point because it was very arty. I personally enjoyed Baby Mama the most, but that's because I like comedies. Vantage Point had such a great fight scene at the end, too. I really thought Denzel would have gotten nominated for Best Actor, but alas, no nod. There will never be any justice for Washington (although he has Oscars). Denzel, I dedicate this best picture pick in your honor. Much love, 'Zel.

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