Dissecting Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA"

By Jake

Miley Cyrus' smash hit "Party in the USA" is an undeniably catchy song, but what does it all mean? I'm here to guide you through these deep and cryptic lyrics. I have to admit, though, it was difficult. Watch the video to the song (click here).

I hopped off the plane at LAX
With the dream, my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame excess
Am I gonna fit in?

Miley Cyrus, born in Nashville, TN, has moved to Los Angeles, CA, with the hopes of becoming a superstar. She is under the impression that it is often cold in California, so she wears a sweater. She is a teenager and, although her father is rich and formerly famous, wonders if she will fit in with the other children at school/salvia parties.

Jumped in the cab
Here I am for the first time
Looked to my right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous

She has entered Hollywood, where a great number of movies are made and where most movie studios take residence. Many famous people live in Hollywood. Even OJ used to live there before he murdered his ex-wife and her lover and stole back his own shit, which ultimately led to his incarceration. Thankfully, Miley does not have to deal with OJ Simpson. Although, I’m sure Pauley Shore tries to fuck her. I don’t know which is worse, honestly.

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kind of homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
And a Jay-Z song was on
and the Jay-Z song was on(2x)

Miley is feeling homesick and nauseous, maybe she ate some airplane food. If I am to believe stand-up comedians, that stuff is not good. So the taxi driver, a man, turns on the radio and, wouldn’t you know it, they are playing Miley Cyrus’ favorite song, any song by Jay-Z.

So I put my hands up
They're playin' My song
The butterflies fly away
Noddin' my head like yeah
Movin' my hips like yeah
I got my hands up
They're playin' my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah It's a party in the USA
Yeah It's a party in the USA

Like an elixir, the Jay-Z song has restorative effects on Miley. She no longer feels sick, nervous and does not even miss her family. She starts nodding her head in agreement to whatever Jay-Z is saying, probably something about how he used to sell cocaine, which Miley can relate to somehow. Then she moves her hips and puts her hands in the air. She declares, in the song, but perhaps out loud in the cab, that “it’s a party in the USA.”

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's looking at me now
Like "who's that chick that rockin' kicks?
She gotta be from outta town."

The first place Miley heads to is a club. She presumably has no place to stay, but she is rich so she can afford a hotel room. Everybody is looking at her in the club because she is wearing “kicks,” which I think are shoes. In California nobody wears shoes, so they know she isn’t one of them. Her nightmare about feeling out of place has become a reality.

So hard with my girls not around me
It's definitely not a Nashville party
Cause all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo

Miley now misses her friends because the club has a strict “No Jay-Z” policy. It’s not a Nashville party, because they are in California and in Nashville the clubs always play Jay-Z songs. She only sees stiletto shoes because, I guess, she has fainted and is lying on the floor, only to awaken to a see of shoes and nothing else. As a business woman, she never got a memo about fainting.

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kind of homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
And the DJ dropped my favorite tune
And a Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on(x2)

So I put my hands up
They're playin' My Song
The butterflies fly away
Noddin' my head like yeah
Movin' my hips like yeah
I got my hands up
They're playing my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah It's a party in the USA
Yeah It's a party in the USA

This is the same chorus as before except this time the club plays a Brittney Spears song since the owner will not allow them to spin a Jay-Z record. Yet, as luck would have it, this is Miley’s favorite song. Now she’s off of the floor and dancing and having a party like she used to in Nashville.

Feel like hopping on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me every time(every time)
The DJ plays my song and I feel all right

Miley toys with the idea of catching a flight back to Nashville, but the DJ always plays the song she likes at that moment, whether it be Brittney Spears, Jay-Z or Beethoven.

So I put my hands up
They're Playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
Noddin' my head like yeah
Movin' my hips like yeah
I put my hands up
They're playin' my song
And I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah It's a party in the USA
Yeah It's a party in the USA

It is the same chorus we all love and chant along with like brain-dead bobby soxers. When the DJ plays this song about playing other songs, it keeps me from flying to Nashville!

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Dissecting Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady"

By Jake

Way back at the beginning of One Year in Texas, I bestowed on "Dude Looks Like a Lady" the dishonor of being the worst popular song in the history of music. The article itself has some funny moments, but overall I feel that it could have been better. Now, six months later, I'm going to take the song to task once again as I dissect it. If you've never heard this song (consider yourself lucky), but if you're still curious click here.

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

That dude (man) looks like a lady (woman). This is an intro to get you excited about the possibilities of a man looking like a woman. Not very exciting, but it gives you time to turn back before you're swallowed up into the void that is this song.

Cruised into a bar on the shore
Her picture graced the grime on the door
She a long lost love at first bite
Baby maybe you're wrong, but you know it's all right
That's right

Aerosmith is hanging out on the Jersey shore and they decide to go into a bar for a nightcap. "Her" picture is hung up on the door, which is quite dirty. She bites Aerosmith (Aerosmith the man, not Aerosmith the band) and he falls in love instantly. Perhaps the dude is a vampire, but this is the only line that leads you to that kind of conclusion. Even though Aerosmith starts to come to the realization that the lady might not be quite as "she" seems, he stills feels that it is right, that's right.

(That, that)
(That, that)

That, that, that, that. This is the most cryptic message in the song.

Backstage we're having the time
Of our lives until somebody say
Forgive me if I seem out of line
Then she whipped out her gun
And tried to blow me away

Now Aerosmith is backstage at one of their rock and roll shows, seemingly making out and perhaps receiving fellatio. Then, out of nowhere, "she" whips out her gun (a phallus and not the weapon of the same name) and tries to "blow" Aerosmith away. I'm not sure how the dude who looks like a lady is trying to blow Aerosmith away. Maybe the dude's penis is that powerful, like a leaf blower or an industrial fan.

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Now, we know that the dude looks like a lady, and this is the reaffirmation.

So never judge a book by it's cover
Or who you're going to love by your lover
Love put me wise to her love in disguise
She had the body of a venus
Lord imagine my surprise

Aerosmith now admits to being bisexual, because he goes beyond gender to find a lover. He will love the person for their bodies (as long as it's Venus-like) and not based upon their genitals. This is sort of a coming out song, I guess.

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Once again.

Baby let me follow you down
Let me take a peek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do me, do me, do me all night
Baby let me follow you down
Turn the other cheek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do me, do me, do me, do me

This is Aerosmith basically begging this dude for some versatile anal sex. "Turn the other cheek dear" means that Aerosmith is the top and "Do me (repeated)" is where Aerosmith is the bottom.

Ooh what a funky lady
She like it, like it, like it, like that,
Ooh he was a lady

Although Aerosmith has participated in some hardcore versatile anal sex and even knows how the dude likes it, he still can't come to terms with him being a man and not a woman. Aerosmith is openly bisexual, but still has a bit of a difficulty coming to terms with his sexuality.

(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady
(That, that) Dude looks like a lady

Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady
Dude, dude, dude, dude looks like a lady

This is the ultimate realization that it is a man and Aerosmith will scream it at the top of his lungs until he can fully accept it.

(That that) ya ya ya yya ya yya ya chit chit yaow

I guess this is scat singing. I have no idea, because it makes no sense.

(That, that)
(That, that)

I would assume this is Aerosmith finally getting tired or running out of breath from yelling about the dude looking like a lady.

This truly is the worst popular song of all time, even six months later. Within these six months Brittney Spears scored a huge hit with "If You Seek Amy" and this is still the worst popular song.

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Love in an Elevator: Living it up or Going Down!?

By Jake

Aerosmith, I think we can all at this time agree, is one of the most controversial bands on the planet. No other band has garnered so much respect, and, at the same time, been met with as much intense hatred. Steven Tyler calls this the "Aerosmith-effect." Joe Perry just plays the guitar, he doesn't call it anything. The other two guys are irrelevant, they may as well be dead.



Out of all the great and awful songs by the rock stars, none falls so in-the-middle as "Love in an Elevator." The premise is simple: What if one were to have sex in an elevator? The statement that follows is idiotic: "Livin' it up while going down." They repeat the part about love in the elevator and then hit you with a statement so profound that it could dislocate your jaw (blood and saliva streaming from your mouth and forming a small puddle under your head as it lay on the concrete): "Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground."

That, readers, is called a chorous.

I would like to discuss the last bit of the chorus, and then go to the beginning of the song. Mainly I'd like to discus the final statement (it's more than just a line) of the chorous. "Lovin' it up 'til I hit the ground" implies that Steven Tyler, or the character he's assuming the identity of in the song (like a latter day Slim Shady or Rey Misterio Jr.), has the ability to ejaculate in the matter of seconds within an elevator performing vaginal penetration. We'll be assuming that the woman is wearing a skirt. Being that Steven Tyler is a hard man, a man's man, and not a pussy (and that this is the mid 80s), we'll be assuming that their is no rubber involved.

Is Steven Tyler a premature ejaculator? One only needs to go to the opening verse of the song to answer this question:
"Workin like a dog for the boss man/Workin' for the company/I'm bettin' on the dice I'm tossin'/I'm gonna have a fantasy."
If this were at the end of the song, we'd call it a twist ending. Since it's placement is within the end of the opening line, it tends to be more Shakespearean. Yes, I am saying that the author of the song is equal to the work of the great play write. This song is like the film American Beauty.

If one were to disect the lyrics even further, than this gem would really throw them through a loop:
"I really need a girl like an open book/To read between the lines."
This is implying that you can read between lines in a book (only if you have it open). This makes me wonder if Steven Tyler is more capable of reading a book than I am. Then I remember the status of the band Aerosmith: classic. I know he is a better reader than I. He is a better singer than I. He knows how to tie a scarf to the end of a micophone stand. I don't even know how to tie my shoes, which is why I wear velcro or slippers.

"Jackies in the elevator/Lingerie second floor/She said can I see you later/And love you just a little more"
The female lover in the elevator is named Jackie. She wants more! She wants more! I had to emphasize that, because we delved into the premature ejaculation theory earlier. Now I could easily propose the theory of a second "gunman" (if you know what I mean, if not then I mean that 'gun' is a 'penis'). I know this is not the case because Steven Tyler, or the character he's portraying, is all man. Maybe if this song was called "Love in a Public Restroom" then we'd have something to work off. My theory, is that he's operating on dream time, which makes the elevator move at a snail's pace.

"I kinda hope we get stuck/Nobody gets out alive/She said Ill show you how to fax/In the mailroom, honey/And have you home by five."
The two lines that should immediately come to the attention of the reader are: "Nobody gets out alive" and "She said I'll show you how to fax." In Steven Tyler's fantasy he has no control. He could easily make the elevator come to a grinding halt, if he wanted. This would leave me to believe that he is having a wet dream instead of a fantasy. Also, in his dream he doesn't know how to use a fax machine. Luckily, we all live in a day and age now where nobody needs to use a fax machine, although some still use one.

"Gonna be a penthouse pauper/Gonna be a millionare/I'm gonna be a real fast talker/And have me a love affair"
What is a penthouse pauper? Is that like a trading places situation, like the classic story "The Prince an the Pauper"? That's the only question I have about this otherwise straightforward and perfect verse.

"Gotta get my timin' right/It's a test that I gotta pass/Ill chase you all the way to stairway, honey/Kiss your sassafras"
This verse, the final verse, shows that Tyler must be coming out of his fantasy or dream, because this is all over the place. Why would Tyler need to get his timing right? This is his fantasy or dream. Does he mean that he's at his mother's house masturbating in the basement and has to make sure that she's busy cooking Hamburger Helper as not to disrupt him? Perhaps he's using the rhythm method and he has to pull out at the right time. Going to the stairway would leave this song open to a sequel, which we can only hope comes on their next album. "Love in a Stairwell" has a nice ring to it. Actually, it's a bit shit. (If you're reading this article Steven, just ignore that bit). Now we will answer the question that has been confusing scientists and those in the medical profession since this songs conception: What is a sassafras? Wikipedia tells me that sassafras is a type of tree found in the Northern Hemisphere. It also says that it could be marijuana. Maybe "kiss your sassafras" means toke on your marijuana cigarette. I think that it might mean bottom.

I will leave you with the classic music video:

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