By Bub
From: C.I.A (ciaagent@us.com)
Subject: Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
To: bub@oneyearintexas.com
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 11:39 AM
FROM THE HEAD OFFICE CIA INTERNET INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT MAIMI FLORIDA
The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an independent US Government agency responsible for providing national security intelligence to United State Of America Citizen.
My name is Agent Barrister Jack White from the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) We are writing in response to our track light monitoring device which we received today in our office about the illegal transactions that you have been involve in for a long time now.
We understand from our general investigations that some con men from Nigeria has been ripping you off your hard earned money with the pretense of dealing with ATM CARD Company that will deliver a Card to you and the proposed amount which was to be transferred to you is the sum of $20,000,000 Usd as stated in our record here.
We also got a complain from our German and usa counterpart stating that your identity/information's was used to dupe a German business man to the tune of $13,000 Usd by some Nigerian Fraudsters which you have been in contact with for some time now.
Due to my inestigation i found out that you have dealing with fake GOVERNMENT AGENCY IN REGARD TO YOUR FUND RELEASE AND THEY HAVE USED THE MEANS TO USE YOUR IDENTITY AND INFORMATION TO SCAM VARIOUS UNITED STATE CITIZEN AND ALSO EUROPE COUNTRY.
We also discovered that you have made some payments to them earlier for this same funds that was to be sent to you.
I want to use this means to let you know that you will get yourself into trouble if you dont stop communication with those scam group and this may lead to your arrest.
Get back to me if you are ready to follow my advice and instruction so i can direct and tell you what to do next on how to get your MASTERCARD ATM CARD WHICH CONTAIN $20 MILLION USD and this include interest rate up till date.
REMEMBER STOP CONTACT WITH THOSE INTERNET FRAUD GROUP OK AND MAKE SURE ONCE YOU RECIEVE ANY STRANGE EMAIL FROM THEM FORWARD IT TO ME SO OUR INTERNET DEPARTMENT CAN MAKE AN INVESTIGATION AND GET THEM ARRESTED OK.
AWAIT YOUR REPLY SO I CAN INSTRUCT YOU ON WHAT TO DO NEXT.
C.I.A INTERNET INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
12/17 GOVERNMENT BUILDING STREET.
MAIMI,FLORIDA
BARRISTER JACK WHITE
WEBSITE: WWW.CIA.GOV
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Dear Barrister CIA Agent,
As a citizen of the United States of America, I feel as though I have a vague familiarity with the proud and colorful people of the United State of America Citizen. Out of respect for your culture and customs I will refrain from public displays of affection for the duration of this composition, and I will not include any graphic depictions of The Prophet America Citizen in our correspondence (even while my office is cluttered with them).
I have to say I am surprised that your track light was able to pick up on my dealings with various Nigerian and Hong Kongian diplomats. My track lighting is barely capable of soft illumination. But, as you say, you are a member of your obscure nation's CIA so I have to assume you have extremely advanced track lighting technology.
I hear Maimi is beautiful this time of year. Not as beautiful as Miami, or any city in the USAC, but still, beautiful.
It is very unfortunate to read that I have been ripped off for upwards of millions of dollars. But, at the same time it is rather exciting. I was not even aware I was in possession of millions of dollars to begin with. But, I'll take the news in stride. I am not going to quit my job as an alpaca farmer; I mean too much to those animals. But I AM going to commission the manufacture of a fleet of hover-boards so that my animals will never have to suffer from grass-burns or trench-tongue ever again.
I am also disappointed to hear about the poor, duped, German fellow. But I have to admit it feels mildly titilating to be involved, however tangentially, in an elaborate international scheme aimed at exacting revenge on the Germans. I am keenly aware of the tension between the Germans and the Nigerians stemming from the Holocaust, the conquests of Atilla the Hun, and those offensive cave paintings of America Citizen by early German neandertals. Those wounds are so deep that only by confusing German pensioners out of a modest sum of money can the healing process even begin to begin.
I confess, while my identity has been used repeatedly to scam VARIOUS UNITED STATE CITIZEN (sic), I take no small amount of pride in the fact that my identity has managed to scam entire EUROPE COUNTRY(ies) (sic). Suddenly, the Greek financial collapse makes perfect sense.
Look, I know I am behind on payments to a nebulous band of Nigerian cyber-thugs, but as things stand I simply cannot afford being extorted. So legally by stating 'do not contact me regarding my alleged debts to the international crime syndicate at this email address' you have to comply as per the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act. Please do not take this as me requesting you to cease contact regarding fantastical scenarios regarding Venezualan contractors and Iraqi architects and my bank account number, because I relish those communications dearly. It is the only way I can keep abreast of which Taiwanese businessmen have passed away left me as their sole heir. It is always humbling and astounding that I have had such a dramatic impact on people that I did not even know existed, and who often never did.
Which is why I regretfully cannot cease contact with online criminals. They have been there for me, asking me to cash fraudulent checks, throughout my darkest times when even my family could not reach into my abyss. They ARE my family, and as The Hollies once sang and Neil Diamond once crowed, 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother'. I will 'carry that weight', to reference another Hollies/Neil Diamond song. If this means it will lead to my arrest, then I suppose my arrest is inevitable. As a precaution I will go on a pre-emptive hunger-strike until my demands are met. My demands are simple, and actually, only singular; let me continue to be exploited by internet scams.
So, you keep your $20 million in blood money. My West African friends have promised me 12 times that amount in a single day. Though I have never actually gotten any of that money from them, and despite their constant attempts to defraud me, I cannot be bought. I am not the Hmong people circa 1975 that you can simply facilitate my poppy production in order to fund the anti-Laotian insurgency. I don't even grow poppy. And I will swear allegience to the military dictatorship of Laos until the day I die defending it in battle.
Sincerely,
Bub
