Showing posts with label TV Show Idea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV Show Idea. Show all posts

One Long Year in Texas: OYIT’s 2009 Hall of Shame

By Ingrid 

As you’ve probably noticed by now, OYIT tends to attract a certain type of individual. Most of the writers and regular readers of the site suffer from a variety of mental and emotional disabilities ranging from mild autism (Mikey) to full blown sociopathy (Glenn). Those of us who aren’t chemically aberrant had such dysfunctional childhoods that it’s impossible for us to lead normal lives anyway. For years we roamed through life as outcasts -- hated as children, forgotten as adults, completely alienated from polite society -- until, one by one, we stumbled upon this deranged website and established a community.

What, you don’t believe me? You think I’m exaggerating the link between insanity and OYIT as I’ve previously exaggerated the link between deodorant and Alzheimer’s? I have proof here. At the rate of $349 per hour (the ads will cover it, right?), I’ve hired Mario Glockman, MD, a top psychiatrist at Harvard, to interpret what our most frequently tagged topics say about us. Dr. Glockman, thanks for joining us.

Mario Glockman, MD: Thank you.

OYIT: Dr. Glockman, we are going to present you with the five most frequently tagged topics from our blogging site with the hopes that you could analyze them and give us some sort of diagnosis. We know something’s wrong with us, but we can’t agree what it is.

Glockman: Very well, then, let’s hear them.

5. Pet horses (4 tags)

Glockman: Ah, yes. To own a pet pony -- a common fantasy amongst imbeciles and retards. What this says to me is that some of the writers of this site may have experienced certain events that stunted their emotional growth. When one experiences a traumatic incident in childhood, frequently we see that their development halts at whichever age he or she was when the incident occurred.

OYIT: So, for example, when I was six, I once barfed on the cutest boy in class, which was very traumatic. And today, I still wet the bed and cry when my parents leave. Could there be a connection?

Glockman: Quite possibly. Or possibly your bladder is simply defective.

4. TV Show Idea (6)

Glockman: When an ordinary person believes himself or herself to be extraordinary, we in the medical profession call that person delusional. Frequently schizophrenics have delusions of grandeur, believing, for example, that they have solved an extremely complex mathematical riddle when actually they have just filled a notebook with nonsensical babble. That you people believe you are capable of coming up with television program ideas when some of you, like Ingrid, are not even capable of making OYIT’s “Best of…” list leads me to believe you are all perhaps delusional schizoids.

OYIT: But I was living Liz Lemon’s life ten years before the writers even came up with the concept for 30 Rock. It was my idea! I could easily be a writer for that show. I like cheese so much.

Glockman: My point exactly.

3. Willie Aames (7)

Glockman: Honestly, this one befuddles me. I didn’t even realize people watched Charles in Charge when it was originally airing. You people virtually worship this guy decades later. I have no diagnosis here except for good old-fashioned stupidity.

OYIT: Thanks, Doctor! We do like to uphold traditional values wherever possible.

2. Weather (37)

Glockman: Your preoccupation with the weather leads me to believe that you each suffer from some form of social anxiety disorder. When one has a panic attack, adrenaline surges through one’s body and one’s brain reverts to fight-or-flight mode, in which one can only react to stimuli in the most simplistic, animalistic ways. When confronted by peers in a social setting, the socially anxious person, brain clouded by adrenaline, is unable to propose any but the most basic of conversational topics. I think that is what you’ve done here. Unable to relate to others, but yearning to find some form of human relationship, you have reverted to the least interesting topic in the world: the weather.

1. Ryan Gosling (55)

Mario Glockman, MD: Look, Ryan Gosling is hot. Even the sane feel this way. The fact that you’ve mentioned Gosling so frequently on this site actually gives me a small amount of hope. You are acknowledging, even identifying with popular culture, and this means, with intense therapy and high dosages of certain drugs, you might one day shed your current handicaps and rejoin society.

Except for Mikey. There is no hope for Mikey.

OYIT: Well, thank you, Dr. Glockman, for taking the time to analyze and diagnose OYIT. Can I ask--

Glockman: That will be $349.

OYIT: Yeah, we’ll pay you, we were just hoping that we could ask --

Glockman: $349.

OYIT: …

Glockman: $349.

TV Show Idea: Who Am I To Ask?

By Jake

My last tv show idea was, admittedly, just not going to cut the mustard, whatever that's supposed to mean. I mean, who cuts mustard? It's spreadable. Enough mustard talk, I have a new show idea that is way better than Tommy Tomato. It's about a detective who gets clues not from a pimp nor ho, but from Ask Jeeves.


1997, Davenport, Iowa.

Fred Spot is a detective who is having trouble solving his cases. Usually his clients end up canceling and going to the bigger, non-private, investigators. This has left Fred in a hard place. His rent and utility bills are becoming due rather quickly. Life is hard for a private investigator in Davenport, Iowa in 1997.

On a case, Fred wanders into a mall during a chase. He's on the trail of a real shady character. He's in the food court looking around and he sees a smartly dressed woman near an arcade cabinet-esque machine. He approaches her and his life is changed forever. She shows him the internet, and more specifically, the Ask Jeeves search engine.

"You're telling me that I can ask any question to this Jeeves fella and he'll tell me the answer. All I gotta do is hit that 'ask' button?" Fred is beyond himself.

"That is right, sir. Go ahead and give it a try."

Fred types in "Where is my suspect in the North Park Mall?" and like clockwork is given the answer: "Footlocker." Fred thanks the lady, and Jeeves, and quickly runs to the Footlocker. Fred encounters his suspect, who is going crazy in the shoe store. He's throwing sneakers around like he's practicing for the Mississippi Valley Fair's famous shoe hurling competition. Fred deflects a Puma and tackles the suspect. A brief scuffle ensues and Fred cuffs the man. The gathered crowd cheers. That's Fred's office rental money right there.

In 1997, there is a huge drug trade migrating into Davenport. After seeing Fred in the newspaper for his daring capture at the mall, the police ask him to help out with capturing the druglords. Fred, of course, would love to and he could use the steady pay. This will set where the series is headed in much of the first season.

Fred is divorced like all great TV private dicks. He spends a little time with his children, but not as much as he'd like. His ex-wife has remarried, and her husband, Gerald, gives Fred constant grief, including telling him how to raise his own kids. Fred, with the help of Jeeves, occasionally plays practical jokes on Gerald.

At the end of every episode Fred asks Jeeves something about himself. For example: Fred types in "Jeeves what's your favorite color?" To which Jeeves replies, "Black like my suit, Fred."

When I get a video camera I will shoot the pilot of this show and shop it around. I really see this being a huge smash hit.

TV Show Idea: Tommy Tomato

By Jake

Last week's TV show idea was a huge hit. Telemundo showed a little interest, but we couldn't get Ione Sky to sign and the show hinges on her. This week I'm going about it a little differently, this is not a celebrity vehicle. This is a show for children.


Tommy Tomato is a lower class hot house tomato living in the produce section of the grocery store. He lives next to the upper middle class vine ripened tomato that often bully young Tommy. They oppress our protagonist and leave him bruised.

Tommy's best friend is Eddie Eggplant, a long purple fellow with a green hat and stars in his eyes. He dreams of performing in Las Vegas, but he's just an eggplant and nobody knows how he learned about Vegas in the first place. Eddie and Tommy go on many adventures throughout the store, sometimes solving crimes (like the case of the dented can of beans).

Henry Jalapeno tries to get Eddie and Tommy to do drugs and steal carts. They often say no, but sometimes are pressured into it for they fear for their lives. Henry is an angry gang leader, who takes immense pleasure in pushing around Eddie and Tommy. He loves making people fear for their lives.

Tommy has a huge crush on an apple named Angela. She has little interest in Tommy, but treats him sweetly. Tommy sometimes commits crimes to impress her.

Here's a brief scene:

[Int. super market]

Eddie: Hey Tommy, we should hit the road. We need to get out of this godforsaken place.

Tommy: Eddie, how are we going to go anywhere? We're nothing but a couple of pieces of produce in this canned food world. You want to go to Vegas and perform, well I got news for you, buddy, you're not going to make it. We're doomed to spend our last days around here being bullied and forced into uncomfortable and awkward situations.

Eddie: It doesn't have to be like that, Tom. We can get out of here. We can be somebodies!

Tommy: Eddie, you don't know anything about the real world. You're a dreamer with his head lost in the clouds. Let's go talk to Henry about joining his gang.

Eddie: That's a terrible idea.

Tommy: For being purple you sure are yellow.

[They walk over to Henry]

That's just a brief scene so you get a feel of the show. Hopefully this has enticed some executives.


TV Show Idea: Ione Sky and the Cloud Brigade

By Jake

Last week's TV show ended up being so controversial that several people committed suicide after reading it. This was not my intention, I was just trying to pitch a TV show to Hollywood through the only medium I have-- the greatest website in the world OYIT.

This week I'm going to try something different once again. This time the star is going to be a female actor (or actress if you're sexist). The actress I have in mind is Ione Sky from the hit movie Say Anything. This show is going to be more geared toward children.


Ione Sky stars as an exaggeration of herself. She wears a shiney black and gold skintight outfit, and a black police style hat. She is the fleet commander of the Cloud Brigade.

The Cloud Brigade is a group of highly trained clouds (Cirrus and Contrail being the two highest ranked, of course). Cirrus and Contrail are Ione's right hand man and woman (Contrail is a woman, obviously). They help her dispatch the other clouds whenever there is some bad stuff going down (such as a kid is being bullied, an elderly person is being discriminated against or nuclear war). Cirrus and Contrail will also serve as Ione's personal security when meeting with diplomats from Mercury.

Altostratus, Altocumulus and Nimbostratus are the second tier of the Cloud Brigade. They all have their own special abilities that can help them solve different problems when they team up together. These clouds teach children about teamwork. Altostratus can make it snow, Altocumulus creates a dark, menacing atmosphere and Nimbostratus brings low visibility and constant precipitation. When these three work together they are nearly unbeatable.

The low level clouds still have a higher ranking than some others (Nacreus and Noctilucent for instance), but their duties are more often just scoping out the situation and then reporting back to Ione so she can make a decision on how to handle that particular problem. Stratocumulus, Stratus (who usually deals with maritime problems) and Cumulus (the best at keeping a lookout) are the three low level clouds, and they serve a very important job. Without them, the Cloud Brigade would be clueless.

Nacreus and Noctilucent are essentially the privates of the Cloud Brigade. Ione rarely personally deals with either of them. She's just too busy hosting, planning courses of action and throwing to brief cartoon segments. They are not as important, but rather are trainees working toward the goal of becoming a higher level. Will they make it? Probably, because it's a children's show and you don't want to disappoint a kid.

Of course, other clouds will make appearances. That's a given, really. This isn't the only Cloud Brigade, so sometimes other clouds (an earthquake cloud for instance) will be needed to use their special skill in order to save the day.

The main focus of this show will teamwork, planning and hard work paying off. It will set children up for disappointment later on in life, but who cares as long as it can make me some money. I doubt it will, but hopefully some F/X executives are skimming the internet searching for a project featuring Ione Sky and come across this site.

TV Show Idea: Jeffrey Jones: Child Pornographer

By Jake

Over the last couple weeks I have proposed some TV show ideas that the fat cats in Washington Hollywood are too afraid to make. Their problem is probably more on the stars I pick rather than the plot of the shows. They don't want to push ex-football players as actors anymore. Apparently that's old hat. I don't really understand that, but I can take the hint. This week I bring you a new show: Jeffrey Jones: Child Pornographer.

This show is harsh, since it's based on the life of a character actor turned child pornographer. He is not a child rapist, though. Let's get that straight. He may have well been sexting or getting sexted. So that is your warning, turn back if you are not a fan of talking about child pornographers or reality.


Jeffrey Jones was a once popular character actor. He was in many movies, including playing the villain in Howard the Duck and the principal in Ferris Buehler's Day Off. In 2002, Jones was convicted of child pornography and employing a 14 year old boy to pose for pornographic pictures. Since this incident Jones has been on Deadwood and the movie Who's Your Caddy? starring Big Boi (of Outkast fame).

Jeffrey Jones stars as himself, a hardened pornographer/respected character actor with a unrelenting thirst to see young boys in lewd sexual acts. Jones hires a 14 year old boy to mow his lawn, but that boy becomes the object of Jones' unquenchable boy lust.

Jones at first plays it cool. He offers the boy lemonade (with no roofies) and even gives him candy (with no roofies). The boy is lulled into a false sense of security because Jones is a respectable actor who was in the movie How High? for pete's sake.

Jeff buys a new camera under the guise of making his own independent film about going back in time to hang out with Thomas Paine. He is eager to show the young boy (maybe named Pete or Joey) the camera. The boy is clearly a camera enthusiast, as are all 14 year old males. Jeff asks him to remove his shirt (since he's worked up a sweat from mowing his lawn). Soon Jeff is making the moves on Pete or Joey and also making underage pornography.

This is the pilot, remember. I know this is a bit much so far, but here is where it takes the turn.

Two months later. A SWAT team kicks in Jeffrey's door. Jeff is bathing in his self made child porn, and the SWAT clubs him as if he were a baby seal and they were the makers of Faces of Death. They take him to jail where he has to adjust to a new lifestyle. He is forced to join a gang. He chooses the Latin Kings, because they are the most child rapist friendly of all the gangs (I'm assuming).

As a new member of the LK's, Jeffrey is forced into many intensely violent situations. He never thought that he would end up in jail, let alone a gang (let alone a gang for Latinos). Jeffrey is forced to smoke crack for the tenth time in his life (the first nine times he did so on his own accord). While fucked on crack he accidentally uses racial slurs (wetback mostly) against his fellow gang members and orders them to get him sandwiches from Crafts services. They brutally beat him (and it is implied that they rape him, but it's never fully revealed). Jones is once again alone, and now he has to watch his back. Plus, he's in jail.

That is a story arc that will play out over the course of maybe 10-15 episodes. After that he gets out of jail and goes to live in Florida. He is occasionally visited by fellow pedophile Gary Glitter. Gary and Jeff are the original odd couple. Glitter is messy and straight, while Jones is a homosexual neat freak. Nevertheless, Glitter offers sage-like advice to Jones on how to deal with being a convicted pedophile.

Jones is receptive to the advice and they go on a trip to Vietnam together. In Vietnam, Glitter gets in trouble once again. This leaves Jones on his own. He hurries back to Florida and changes addresses. He forgets to notify authorities and is once again in trouble with the law. Will Jeff Jones ever learn? Tune in to find out!

TV Show Idea: Long Shoreman

By Jake

Last week I pitched an idea for a TV show starring Dick Butkus, and my email inbox was filled to the brim with insulting tirades. They mostly said that Dick Butkus is too old for the role. Well, that's your opinion. I decided that I'd pitch another idea featuring a younger actor: Howie Long.


Howie Long stars as a Coast Guardsman named Harold Long. He is in the twilight of his career, but still gives his job the full 110% that it demands. He is the Captain of a team of maritime law enforcers. Consider this like NYPD Blue meets Baywatch.

Long's crew is the number two ranked Coast Guard branch in the USA. He wants to go out on top, so he pushes his crew extra hard. A wrench is thrown into his plans when a ne'er do well hippie, Tyler Happs (played capably by Jamie Kennedy), joins his team. This adds a slight comedic element to an otherwise hard-hitting drama series.

Harold's goal is to become a Chief Warrant Officer before he retires. Long has to first whip Happs into shape before he can even apply for that position. Tyler just wants to nap and hit on the female Coast Guardsmen. Long is there to teach him that there is more to life than chasing women and partying, and Tyler is there to show Long that you can't control everything in life and sometimes it's okay to not take everything so seriously. They laugh and learn.

While you might thing this is already sounding like a show that could last for 9 seasons, allow me to introduce you to the third heat: Ron Silver! Silver stars as the most hated and devious Coast Guardsman, Ron Silverly. Silverly is a bitter man, who wants nothing more than to take Long's chance at retiring as a CWO away from him. Ron and Harold were once friends as new recruits, but Silverly's girlfriend dumped him and started dating Long. She died in a tragic boating accident that nearly took Long away from guarding the coasts, but he rose above the tragedy like a phoenix with an iron will.

Silverly is ranked under Long and is part of his crew. He tries to steer Tyler Happs toward the dark side, while Long tries to instill discipline in him. It's a never-ending battle of good and evil. Happs tends to lean more toward Long, but is also enticed by the wild parties Silverly is legendary for. Long Shoreman is sure to entertain, and maybe we'll even learn a little about ourselves and about the Coast Guard, the unsung heroes of the United States Armed Forces.

TV Show Idea: Private Dick

By Jake

I have a lot of ideas for scripted television programs. Unfortunately, TV networks won't listen to my pitches (not even FX). They're only interested in reality shows like World's Largest Beds, Cafe of Deceit and Circus of the Stars. I'm interested in scripted television and have not watched a single reality show. Although, I watched American Idol once when Quentin Tarintino was a guest judge. It was like watching Superman fellate a heavy leather mustachioed gay man.

Perhaps I should explain who Dick Butkus is first. Dick Butkus was a bone crushing football player known for his brutality, turned actor who starred on such shows as My Two Dads and Hang Time. Here's a video starring Rodney Dangerfield, Bubba Smith and Dick Butkus:



So I present to you my first TV series idea: Private Dick


Dick Butkus stars as Raymond Dick, a hard boiled private eye. His secretary is Theresa "Sugar" Smith, a sassy black woman, played by Marion Ramsey (of Police Academy "fame"). Raymond is shocked to find that he has fathered a son, who shows up in the very first episode. His son is 14 and is named Billy (but Raymond only calls him William).

William informs Raymond Dick, that his mother recently died in an airplane crash. Dick instantly embraces his son, albeit reluctantly. He has never had to share his space with anybody but his secretary. He has had brief love affairs, but nothing lasting more than one episode (which at most spans one week). This creates a Odd Couple type living situation with Dick and William. Dick has no idea how to take care of a teenager and has a hard time coping with William's raging horomones.

Dick decides that he will help William become a man by teaching him how to be a private investigator. In the pilot we see William learn how to pick a lock, which later on in the episode will get Dick out of a holding cell when he is wrongfully accused of rape.

Dick never rapes. That's his motto, and that's what he tells the police.

William and Dick track down the woman who called rape on Dick. She is the girlfriend of Dick's oldest enemy, Shermer Magule. Shermer was once Dick's partner, but their relationship soured as Shermer began to steal evidence (watches, money out of dead men's wallets, etc.). Shermer took to a life of crime when he learned he could take things instead of making an honest living.

Shermer and Dick are caught in a never-ending battle of good vs. evil. The problem now is that Dick has a son to take care of, and all the sassy black secretaries in the world can't keep him safe from Shermer and other nefarious foes.

At the end of every episode Dick and William will return to the office only to get zinged by Marion Ramsey. Through their battle scars and pain they will all laugh as the screen freezes and the credits roll.

They will say:
Created by Jacob F. Merch

Nobody can take that away from me!