Showing posts with label jake on movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jake on movies. Show all posts

Jake on Movies (10-01-10)

By Jake 

Everybody likes movies, right? Wrong! I met a guy who didn't care for them once. The only entertainment he liked was the music of Phillip Glass and reading book reviews. The rest of us like films, and that is what this article is about--films. So let us take a look at what is coming out or "dropping" at the theaters today.



The Social Network
If you do not get enough Facebook at home, then Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher have made a movie for you. It is about Mark Zuckerberg creating Facebook. I heard there is a really great cameo from Farmville and Super Poke.

Case 39
Renee Zellweger stars in a movie that nobody will be talking about around the watercooler on Monday, and not even because nobody can land an office job anymore. This movie is going to be terrible (I assume, since Zellweger is in it). It is about a case, the 39th in a series of cases. I do not want to go into too much detail as to not spoil the movie for the 15 people who see it.

Life as we Know It
You know summer is officially over by the number of shitty Katherine Heigl movies that are hitting the cinemas. Is there any celebrity more annoying or less interesting than Katherine Heigl? Perhaps her co-star Josh Duhamel. I don't know who that guy is, but from seeing the trailer on Hulu, I know that he is awful and this movie is going to produce more cringeworthy moments than a snuff film. If you tell me you like this movie to my face, I will punch you in yours.

If you are going to throw your money away this week, do yourself a favor and see The Social Network. Do you seriously need to go to the theater to see that, though? It's just going to be people walking and talking. Buy the West Wing Season 1 DVD used off of Amazon for the same price as a movie ticket.

Here are my Netflix Instant Watch hot picks for the week:
Branded to Kill
Duck Soup
The 400 Blows

Also, feel free to visit my movie review blog, where I put about a 1/4 of the effort into writing reviews than I do into writing articles for One Year in Texas. That was a really terrible plug. Don't visit it, I don't give a shit!

The Truth About Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

By Jake 

When Katy asked me to fill in for her weekly movie preview column I was a bit hesitant. Then fate tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a ticket to an early screening of "Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore." I knew by the subtitle of this film that I was in for a wild ride, but even I could not have imagined just how crazy this movie would be.

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
In the sequel to the sizzling 1996 hit "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Kitty Galore returns from his long vacation in Siberia. Uma Thurman returns as Noelle, the character that made her famous, and Kitty Galore will stop at nothing to get revenge on her for running him out of the country.
Janeane Garofalo once again plays the shock jock radio star DJ Abby. While Kitty Galore was away, Abby became the number one radio personality in Wisconsin, the picturesque setting of this film. Abby invites Kitty to stay with her in her Milwaukee penthouse. Abby still has ill feelings toward Noelle due to the events of the first film.
What about the dogs? There are so many dogs in this film you will not believe your fucking eyes. Especially since this movie is in glorious 3D. That is one whole dimension better than the first film. When Noelle hears of Kitty Galore's plans to take her out in an interview on Abby's top rated show, she enlists the help of every dog she has ever met. The dog from Beethoven even makes a cameo, but the dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua wanted too much money for his brief appearance.
I will not ruin the ending to this film, but it is quite possibly one of the most exciting climaxes committed to celluloid. I thought I was going to have a heart attack from all of the excitement, and the three chili dogs I got at the concession stand did not do me any favors either.

I give this movie a 9/10. It would have been higher, but knowing that the dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua was asked, but did not appear, kind of took me out of the fantasy world created by this hilarious action/comedy.

Should You Go See Salt?

By Jake 

Salt
Angelina Jolie stars as a salt dealer in the postapocalyptic future. After losing her eye in a deal gone bad, Jolie tries to leave her trade behind. That is until her old friend (Liev Schreiber) tells her of a salt deal so huge that Jolie cannot pass.

Jolie and Schreiber plot out the perfect salt deal that postapocalyptic America has ever seen. Unfortunately, the deal gets queered when Schreiber turns out to be an undercover federal anti-salt agent. He arrests Jolie and the buyers and sends them to the salt mines.

At the mines, Jolie and some of the other slaves plan a daring escape. I don't want to spoil it too much, but they use guns. Also, her name is salt. In the future, you are named after what you illegally sell.

I would go see this movie if I felt money was worthless. If you are the kind of person who treats money as if it is refuse, then go see this film. Angelina Jolie is a good actress and Roger Ebert gave this movie four stars, and he is going to die soon. If you cannot trust a dying man, who can you trust?

If you are planning on staying in this weekend and watching a film that you rented from Blockbuster Video, I recommend that you avoid Cocktail. Cocktail is truly the worst thing that liquor has ever done.

Jake on Movies (6-18-10)

By Jake 



Another week of highly original summer offerings from Tinseltown is upon us. These movies are not even close to being as mind-boggling terrible as last week's (A-Team and The Karate Kid). They are still pretty lame. This is the worst summer for movies.

Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex is a comic book cowboy with a messed up face. That's all I know about this movie, and I have absolutely no interest in seeing it. However, I would really love to read the comics. I wonder if he knows magic, and with the last name "Hex" he better. At least there will be no mechanical spiders in this movie, being replaced by Megan Fox. I would rather see the mechanical spiders.

Toy Story 3

Are you going to see Toy Story 3? If you are, why? I love Toy Story and its sequel, but don't you think paying $20 for a movie is a bit steep? Roger Ebert gave this flick three stars, which I think might be considered disappointing. Did Toy Story really need to be a trilogy?

Again, I cannot stand the unoriginality of Hollywood, but I blame you, the movie-going public. You folks are the ones paying to see this shit, and that is why they continue to make these sequels and based-off-of movies. Save your money or sign up for Netflix and rent something worth seeing.

We all hate remakes, reboots and sequels, yet people keep shelling out their cash to witness these over-priced, way-too-high-of-budgeted disasters. What movie has been worth $15 for one viewing? You can buy Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too on DVD together for $5, not that I'm necessarily recommending that. I just do not understand you people. You do not need to take your children to a movie. Take them to a park or give them a cardboard box and they will be content. Stop paying to see these shitty movies. Please.