Good Morning LeBron James

By Keelin 



LeBron, I'm going to be honest -- I had never heard of you until yesterday. Then I was informed by multiple people that you are a celebrity athlete who plays a sport that Americans actually care about. Then I was told I better start caring about you or I would be put on the no-fly list. I was even more surprised to learn that you played for a basketball team in Cleveland, a city I had previously believed to have been turned into a used car lot circa 1987. Anyway, good for you! And good morning.

Today's LeBron James Forecast



Your new hometown, Miami, is pretty hot this time of year. Luckily, the soft ocean breezes keep the people cool and the beaches coated with a fine mist of crude oil.

Today's LeBron James Fact



LeBron James is dating Lady Gaga. At least I haven't heard otherwise.

Today's LeBron James Prediction



LeBron James will make a lot of money playing professional sports and endorsing consumer products. I mean, honestly -- what did you think was going to happen to him?

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Good Morning Sports Fans

By Keelin 



Good morning. Yesterday I participated in one of America's finest traditions (after funnel cakes and draconian drug sentences): I went to a professional baseball game.

Baseball has come a long way since it was invented in the 16th century as a cure for syphilis. For instance, now these mostly out-of-shape players make lots of money and travel all over our great country, where regional prejudices can remind them over and over why they never want to leave home again.

Usually, there is very little scoring in baseball, making it kind of like America's soccer, if America didn't already have soccer that was widely scorned by the ticket-buying classes. But it's not only Americans who enjoy baseball! It's also the favorite sport of Japan and large swaths of Latin America. Unfortunately, it remains the least favorite sport of Saudi Arabia.

Today's Stadium Food



Sushi! I know, you were expecting a hot dog. But this is the 21st century and this was the most popular item on the menu at the stadium yesterday. While it remains a hit up here in the Pacific Northwest, the state of Arizona recently expelled stadium sushi when it failed to present its residency papers.

Today's Stadium Music



Anything by the Black Eyed Peas. They are visionaries. And "Louie Louie."

Today's Stadium Prediction



I will live another seventy years and never have the opportunity to attend another professional sports match. To fill the gaping hole in my life, I will watch "Rudy" on an endless loop and use sports stats to strike up conversations with strangers.

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