Good Morning; Four Theatrical Releases In One Day Edition!

By Katy


Morning! Since there are four movies to get through today we're going to jump right into the pile! What a mix. Some war, some love, some war and love, some lovely war, some loved war and Carlos Mencia. Hold on tight!

Today's Theatrical Releases

Green Zone: (Rated R for unpronounceable names)

Synopsis: This movie seems to take place during the 2003 occupation of Iraq, after the war was won. Some jackasses were under the impression that there were mass weapons of destruction hidden somewhere in this crazy desert and they go looking for them, led by Chief Warrant Officer Roy Miller (Matt Damon). They find weapons of mass destruction and the US wins the war again. This film is was written by Donald Rumsfeld and directed by Colin Powell. It won the war AND three Oscars on Sunday.

My Take: War movies are totally blah. For me, movies are an escape from reality, not a twisted rendition of the history I already sort of lived through via media outlets. Now that my workplace has decided to take a military disciplinary stance, I really don't need any outside reminders of the armed forces, Oscar winning or not.

Remember Me (Rated PG-13 for an ingenious way to make massive sales on this movie.)

Synopsis: Two teenagers played by Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin, fall madly in love in the wake of their respective family tragedies. Both have lost a love one, and this is the classic tale of the brooding male who finds comfort in the girl who lives life to its fullest.

My Take: Robert Pattison is the new Ryan Gosling. I think we all know this. I'm sure this movie is probably so adorable you want to yak, and I could see myself secretly throwin' it on the Netflix queue for a night in alone with a bottle of wine. Actually, I'll probably just take the bottle of wine to the theatre and start crying in the first ten minutes just so everyone knows how moved I am by the love of these children.

She's Out of My League (Rated R for the large disconnect with reality.)

Synopsis: Kirk (Jay Baruchel) is a 5. Molly (Alice Eve) is a 10. That means Kirk is super average and normal and lame and Molly is like, the hottest thing since nuclear fusion. Can you believe these two kids hook up?! But this story isn't about the love they build with each other. This is about Kirk not possibly understanding why someone who spends three hours a day making sure they look perfect would want to spend their time with a weirdo with spiking hair. Love is all in the looks.

My Take: I saw the preview for this movie when I went to see Shutter Island. It seemed to have potential, the first seven seconds of the preview, and then it just went to boring. I don't even remember most of it, other than thinking, this movie looks worse than Obama's America. And just like Obama's America I can choose whether or not I want to be a part of it. Tea Parties, here I come.

Our Family Wedding: (Rated PG-13 for Carlos Mencia's poorly executed humor)
Synopsis: A couple returning from college announces their wedding plans to their parents who go ape shit and start throwing racial epithets over Twitter. Carlos Mencia is hilarious. J/K, he's totally not.

My Take: I was prepared to drone about how frickin' awful this movie looks BEFORE I saw Carlos Mencia had a part in it. Now there's just no chance. Any brave soul that wastes $9.25 on this should probably stop reading OYIT. You don't belong here.

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To the Purveyors of TopTenSluts.com

By Bryan

To the Purveyors of TopTenSluts.com:

Let me begin by saying this correspondence is not in any way an attempt to defame or deride the content of your website: TopTenSluts.com truly DOES provide the best in amateur sluttery and whoredom. While most pornographic website titles/domains are mere exercises in hyperbole, your website honestly does offer top ten quality sluts on a daily basis.

That being said, my complaint arises from your billing system. When I went to purchase a subscription for your website, I was greeted with the assurance that my credit card would be “discreetly billed” with the charge being attributed to an entity named “PayFriends LLC.” This was definitely a concern for me, as my wife handles our finances, and were she to see some charge from a pornographic website located on my monthly statement, she most certainly would not approve. So this bit of subterfuge was something I was definitely in favor of occurring.

The problem came when said bank statement was received. Sure enough, the charge was attributed to “PayFriends LLC.” However, this charge was also a bit of a curiosity to my wife. So what did she do? She typed “PayFriends LLC” into Google. Do you know what the first search result was? “I have a charge to PayFriends LLC on my credit card. What is it?” I think you can guess what the rest of the site says. Apparently, TopTenSluts.com is the ONLY purveyor of PayFriends. If PayFriends is only associated with TopTenSluts.com, then how exactly am I to explain that mystery charge away? If a simple Google search can spoil my entire charade, what good is it at all? Next time, just charge the account with the institution name of “Graphic depictions of hardcore anal sex, double penetration, and bukkake.” It honestly wouldn’t be any worse.

Enclosed you will find an invoice: it is the bill for both the marriage counseling sessions I am being forced to attend, as well as compensation for my time away from work due to attending weekly sex addict group meetings.

Thank you for your time.

P.S. Wednesday’s update was your best yet! Keep up the awesome work!

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Circuit City Closes its Doors

By Jake

I first overheard the news while waiting for my food (vegetarian burrito and chalupa) at a Mexican restaurant earlier today. A slightly overweight man (slightly more overweight than my slight overweightedness) was talking into his iphone while wearing a NY jacket. He said, "I just heard that all Circuit City locations are closing down." This news hit me like firecrackers thrown out of Vince Coleman's open car window.

Circuit City is where I bought my computer. It is where I was hoping my children would buy their computers and other electronic goods. Yet, upon my last visit to CC I knew they were doomed.


Now, I'm no Creskin, nor am I a lesser fortune teller like a Miss Cleo or Nostradamus-- but I listen to the Nas album "Nastradamus." That's a transition, because the reason I knew CC was doomed for failure was because they had a gaggle of 45 year olds mindlessly purusing their immense CD selection.

We all know that CD's are a dead media. Let's face it, nobody is ever going to pay for music. Why would we when there are so many places to get it for free? The only reasonable explanation is that you are 45 years old and don't know how to use a computer.

When you enter Best Buy, you are blinded by the overpowering light. It's like you've tragically died in a 9/11-esque terrorist attack and gone to media heaven. The first thing you see is a huge section of DVDs. You go and you look at them. You consider buying the Naked Gun trilogy, you pontificate over which Godzilla you'll take home (Gojira or the remake starring Vicky Lewis), you buy season 1-3 of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air because it's only $15 per season and you that's only the tip of the goddamn motherfucking iceberg.

When you enter Circuit City your dick instantly goes limp. The light is dim and it wreaks of desperation and drying paint. You look ahead and their DVDs are lying disorganized in an-FYE style display. Fuck that. I don't want to touch Munster Season 2 DVDs just to see if they have any Mod Squad seasons. I don't have OCD, but I don't want to touch DVDs covered in fecal matter.

The next thing you notice at Circuit City is massive amounts of open space. I get vertigo when I stand still in CC. In Best Buy I buy Vertigo on DVD because it's a great Alfred Hitchcock film. If I were in charge of Circuit City, what I would have done with that open space is fill it with goods for sale. I'm no marketing genius, and neither was the person who bankrupted Circuit City.

The biggest problem with Circuit City is that it is almost inevitably within a mile of a Best Buy-- usually right next to one. Best Buy is the most well known electronics store in the US. Best Buy is inherently better because the name itself tells you it's going to cost less than Circuit City. You don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld to observe that shit.

Best Buy is by no means a great store, though. In fact I rarely visit it. There are two within 10 miles of my house, but I'd rather go to a store like Target where I feel safe. I know if I'm inside Target and somebody pulls out a gun, it will naturally go to the logo instead of killing me. There's a rhyme I say to myself before I go shopping for DVDs or electronics: "Target is my market. At Best Buy I will die." That reminds me where I should go. Plus, I can buy popcorn kernels for my air popper there for significantly less than I can at the Kroger's owned and somewhat aptly named "Food4Less."

Circuit City has died. We shall mourn them, but for what? You know what, fuck it. We won't mourn them. Nobody will care and that's why they went out of business. Fuck you Circuit City, now let's all rock out to MegaDeth.

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Carl, Your PowerPoint Presentations are on a Gradual Decline

By Bryan

It used to be that your presentations were the one thing I looked forward to during our Monday meetings. Huddled in that small room, the twelve of us cramped around that long but inadequate table, anytime you had to give a presentation about a recent change in HR policies and practices (which was surprisingly and almost nauseatingly often), it seemed to make the meeting... Magical. That’s the only word that can accurately describe just what it brought to the rest of my day and even the rest of my week. (Do you know that I have a large folder sitting in the bottom drawer of my desk, filled with the printed out copies of your slide decks? And anytime I’m having a down day or just feeling blue in general, I open it up to any random presentation and it brightens my whole outlook? Well I do, and it does!)



But now, gone are the days of your flashy transitions (sometimes it felt like I was REALLY fading into the next slide myself and was about to be enveloped in the warmth of its information and factuality), engrossing sound effects (I don’t know what it is, but when the next bullet point ZOOMED in with the sound of a race-car, suddenly I truly cared that corporate email could no longer be printed out and taken home), and your perfect choices in clipart (when you closed the presentation on the dangers chemicals in the workplace with the picture of the dad holding his son’s hand, it made me really feel like home office actually was worried about us and was going to take care of us the rest of the way). Now, we’re lucky if you bothered to change the default font, and the last presentation ("Updated Internet Policies") didn’t even use a template. How am I supposed to pay attention to when I can and cannot do my online banking if it’s presented to me on a blue background with a white font? The answer is I can’t, and I didn’t. Because of you, and your lack of dedication to your work, I now haphazardly bank online between the hours of 3PM and 5PM. I hope you’re happy.

I remember the good times, the days of “What the IT Service Center Can Do for YOU!” You remember that one, don’t you Carl? It was your creative masterpiece, your Great Gatsby, your Ninth Symphony, your Exile on Main Street. It had it all: transitions were so fast and furious I felt like the Paul Walker to your Vin Diesel; one time it swirled when I thought it was going to slide left, and I nearly fell out of my chair, but it was OK, because I knew you were always guiding my way, steering and hitting the nitrous booster when I just couldn’t. Your points were concise, but informative and engaging: I STILL remember that I don’t call the IT Service Center for printer supplies, but I DO call them for printer maintenance. Don’t even get me started on your backgrounds and borders: a new one for EVERY slide, and all relevant to your points in some way. When it was over, the twelve of us stood up and cheered. Do you remember that feeling, Carl? Do you remember the glory you used to enjoy, the praise that was lavished upon you? All of it was warranted, and all of it was earnest. Every time I have to call the IT Service Center for something, I choke up a little bit: last time I called, I had to tell the representative that I had been eating some cashews while on hold and one had gone down the wrong pipe; but that was an enormous lie, and she knew it. This is the kind of thing you’re capable of, Carl. Why are you wasting it?

Unlike the slides in your best work, this degradation in quality has been a slow transition. I remember when I noticed the lack of enthusiasm in your presentation titles: gone were the titles that grabbed me and made me knew this information was important and beneficial to me; now I was greeted with things like “Updated Vacation Request Protocol” and “Form 56-A Procedure.” It wasn’t too big of a deal, though: the presentations still had that “pop” and the quality overrode the generic titles.

But it wasn’t too long before even more cracks in the veneer began to show through. Soon there was the same background for every slide; after awhile, even a single background was too much to ask for. Sounds began to all but disappear; transitions became merely sliding left or sliding right.

Then this happened:
I remember when I saw it. I had hoped that the title slide was a mere rush-job, an after thought when at 8AM you realized you had forgotten to do one and merely typed a title into whatever presented itself on your screen when you opened up PowerPoint. But then came this slide, and it was just as bad. No, worse, because it confirmed my fears: you just didn’t care anymore. When I saw Arial being used in your bullet points, I almost cried right in the conference room. Just look at it; it’s the antithesis of “ITSC” (that’s what we’ve come to use to refer to “What the IT Service Center Can Do For YOU!”): no clipart, no transitions, no background, NOTHING! You broke my heart on that day, Carl, and since then each proceeding presentation has been like you taking a massive dump on what we used to have, and what made you so special to me, and to everyone.

So Carl, take this as a wake-up call: as HR director for this branch, it’s your job to make sure new and existing HR policies are complied with and followed. With your recent lackadaisical attitude towards your presentations, I can honestly say your messages aren’t getting through, which means your policies aren’t getting followed. So maybe you don’t think it’s worth it to put so much effort into these presentations; but is it worth to keep your job? Because that’s the road you’re heading down, pal. If you need me, I’ll be doing some online shopping between the hours of 10AM and 12PM.

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