Showing posts with label Katy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Katy. Show all posts

KTz Movie Preview Reviewz

By Katy



Hereafter
(Rated PG-13, which is unfortunate because, I had this whole thing worked out where it was rated R, for remake... because America keeps remaking foreign films. Get it? R? Well, eff you then).




My Synopsis: Death. BUM BUM bummmmmm. The big sleep, annihilation, oblivion, expiration, fatality, however you'd like to put it, we think about it, sometimes agonize over it, and most experience it. Hereafter follows the story of three people connected by circumstance who LIVE death. George (Matt Damon) is an American worker with a "special connection" to death. Marie (Cécile de France) is a French journalist who brushes death and it blows her grasp on reality. Finally, Marcus (Frankie/George McLaren), is a London schoolboy who after losing someone close to him begins a quest to discover what happens when you die. In meeting, they all come to an agreement that death is what happens when you die.

My Take: Who doesn't like a movie about death directed by Clint Eastwood? No, really, I'm being genuine here. I'm actually mildly interested to see where this goes. Despite my distaste in all these foreign film remakes, Clint Eastwood hasn't done a terrible job as a director the past few years. Plus, I love French journalists and English schoolboys... in the appropriate ways. Sounds like the perfect movie to chomp popcorn all the way through.

Paranormal Activity II
(Rated R for RIP, and not doing it).




My Synopsis: There's a baby in the mirror and then there's not. And a lot of other stuff happens. Spooky stuff. Like, in one scene, Bernie Mac is sitting in a rocking chair reciting lines from House Party 3 and knitting. In another scene, the inhabiants of the haunted home happen upon Rasputin and Rudolph Valentino playing a game of pool and arguing over which one can claim the title Lothario, as well as who was the most blantant homosexual. Eerie, right? This is certainly not a movie for the children, or most audiences everywhere.

My Take: A small bit of me is curious. I'm not one for horror movies, but I'm intrigued by how scary people claim the first Paranormal Activity was. Since I'm a badass and get scared by nothing short of a Palin-run Tea Party convention, I find the challenge enchanting, but nevertheless, not worth my time... unless the movie has a scene about ghost-Sarah Palin heading up a team of ghoulish Tea Partiers... then I'm in. Someone get back to me on that.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIX]

By Katy 



Hi Katy,
AT my job I have 2 use a printer. It's the hewlett packard laserjet 4050. A fine machine if you like CRAPPY PRINTERS!!! This thing never prints when I want to, and sometimes prints the wrong things. also there are paper jams. what do I do to fix these paper jams and maybe what is your favorite kind of jam? I mean favorite kind of printer.
-Jamming James


Hi James,

I understand that printers can be frustrating. I used a printer for many, many years when I lived with my mother and still had hopes and dreams that the things in life that were important needed to be solid and tangible. We went through two HP printers (those are Hewlett Packard printers for those of you over 45) and both of them were delightful except for one thing: those fuckers would grab at least three sheets of paper at one time to print one page. It was infuriating. That's when I realized that everything in life was infuriating. Everything was broken. Everything would fall apart, no matter how many times you replaced it all.

It was a powerful lesson.

I stopped printing; even my school work. I would just hand in a USB flashdrive with a post-it note that said "Deal with it." I was kicked out of three colleges, dropped from eighteen classes, was put on suspension twice, and to this day haven't received my degree, but that's an unrelated story.

I still don't use printers, so I don't know what to recommend, except that you stop using a printer. Until technology (and the people who make it happen) can just process the ideas and thoughts in my mind and pop it out on a magical sheet of paper that appears in the place I will it, I will never again touch print. Read a newspaper? No thank you, I can read it online. Pick up a book? What the fuck for? It's called a Kindle, welcome to 2007.

Also I like peach jam.
hi Katy,
My name is Arthur. I was named after the Dudley Moore character in the movie Arthur. No, I do not drink. I find the practice abhorrent. I also do not play the piano. I find that practice even more abhorrent. Or at least I thought that until I read some drunk driving statistics. Did you know drunk driving kills more people than pianos? So what should I do?
Thanks,
-Arthur


Hi Arthur,

Learn to play the didgeridoo drunk, but be careful, both drinking and didgeridoos are rumored to cause pregnancies, so don't do either around the fairer sex.

Also, each some toast with butter and peach jam.
hi Katy,
Do you like public libraries? I spend a lot of time in them. I'm not homeless but also not a bibliophile. I just like a place where people of all races, incomes and species can come together to masturbate to softcore pornography. But do you have any library tips specifically? Any books or magazines I should check out? I was thinking about getting a copy of the Satanic Bible...
Sincerely,
Library-Lovin' LaVey


Hi LaVey,

I used to really like public libraries. I spent many a day at the library in my hometown, sitting in various cushioned corners and reading the day away or flipping through microfilm to read the truth about my friend who was killed when I was seven. Then technology took over. I mean REAL technology, not that microfilm shit. Like, computers and stuff. OH, and remember when they first started putting CDs out to check-out? Not that it wasn't cool, it just seemed to marr what the library was suppose to be. So, all these people started showing up to "surf the net" and or waste an hour on chat1 picking up twelve-year-olds pretending to be sixteen-year-olds. Note: I was that twelve-year-old. And it ruined my life. More than printers did.

But, I'm losing focus. After the public library failed me, I moved on to the Thomas Tredway Library at Augustana College, my favorite library to date. True, it's not technically public, but this did not stop myself and my friend, Kristy, from venturing many an evening there after our high school classes and a good meal at Arthur's Deli to sit around their non-technological, historical building filled with honest-to-life books.

From then on, all libraries have been disappointing. From sixty-year-old men talking loudly on their cell phones in the "silent corner" to shelves advertising Stephanie Meyer's latest "novel" and still to rows and rows of people sitting at computers and masturbating to softcore porn.

The only thing libraries have kept consistent that I will always love is easily irritable, middle-aged women who stand behind the check-out counter. Without those frowns and worry lines I would never even crack the door to the Marion Public Library, and those ladies would never crask the door to my heart.
Hi Katy,
My friends told me that if I smoked pot with them that it would make me cool. I smoked it and it just made me high! How do I become cool?
-Joe Uncool

Hi Joe,

Cool is relative. I think it would be more apt for one of these friends to say, "If you smoke pot with us, we will find you cool." And that's probably very true. This usually only happens around the ages of 12 to 18. By the time you're an adult and out in the real world, the majority of pot smokers are simply contenting to be smoking pot. If you chose not to partake, that just means it's more for them.

I've done a recent study using pot smokers in my tri-county area and it turns out that while smoking pot does in fact "make you cool," this is only saying it "chills one out."

You are your own rainbow, Joe. This decision is yours.

One Week In Entertainment

By Katy

Hello everyone! Glenn is busy doing a sit-in at Ground Zero to support New Yorker's right to kosher, veggie hot dogs, so I'm taking over entertainment this week. I'm really excited. I actually loathe celebrity gossip, current events, political scandals, and popular culture all at once, but I plan on getting pretty into it today. Shit has gotten fairly ill.



ICP FANS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF TILA TEQUILA



Some crazy-stupid PR agent thought it would be phenomenal if MySpace and destroyer-of-outspoken-sexual-freedom "star" Tila Tequila sang at a concert in Illinois with The Kottonmouth Kings and ICP. If that isn't a set up for intolerance and violence I don't know what is. But since it was a set up for intolerance and violence, over 2,000 ICP fans pelted Tila with beer bottles, rocks, and even "took the sh*t out of the port-o-potty and threw sh*t and piss at [her] when [she] was onstage." Violent J of ICP isn't particularly empathetic since he warned her there were rumors about mass violence. But he did say he was disappointed in the crowd's reaction, boldly and intelligently stating, "I wish they didn’t throw stuff at her."



RAPE IS BAD...and easy


If you slept until 11AM today (12PM Eastern time/10AM Mountain Time/9AM Pacific Time) then you missed Wikileaks founder Julian Assange being accused, warranted, and acquited of rape and sexual molestation charges all within four hours. I wish my rape charges were so easily discarded.



WILL SHE NEVER LEARN?!


Kourtney Kardashian has been rumored to make the statement that she will "probably have another baby" with partner Scott. If you've been Keeping Up with the Kardashians as much as I have, you'll know Kourtney's family (especially her mom and sister, Khloe) loathe Scott Disick with the fire of a thousand burning temples. I think we'll all be pretty interested to see how the fifth season turns out.



"EITHER DO ANOTHER REALITY SHOW WITH ME OR I'M GOING TO RELEASE AMAZING SEXUAL CONTENT."


While I've made that statement several times to various lovers, this time the sentiment is coming from Spencer Pratt as a love token to estranged wife, Heidi Montag. I didn't even know these two people got married. I didn't realize they were having problems. But I had certainly assumed they made a sex tape together that Spencer was hoping to one day hold it over Heidi's head when the possibility of becoming unimportant finally hit him. Actually, Spencer literally told TMZ that Heidi was aware that his one and only goal in life being to get famous off reality television (and quite frankly, sex tapes are pretty real). He met her at a hotel to hand off her dogs and verbally held her captive while he sadly pled his case. It's people like Spencer and Heidi that make me hoe I never understand love.


TWEET, TWEET, BITCHEZ



Once upon a time, Ashton Kutcher ruled the celebrity Twitter netways. Then, *BOOM*, Britney Spears stepped in and stole his spotlight the way she stole Justin Timberlake's virginity, and not unlike American Muslims are stealing our ex-Burlington Coat Factories to build their worship temples. Now, a new Tweet Queen is stepping up: Lady "Tweet Tweet" Gaga. According to People Magazine online, the pop diva herself has taken back Twitter, "besting Spears by approximately 6,000 followers." I challenge each and every OYIT reader to grab the title out from under Lady Gaga's questionable private parts. By this time next week, One Week in Entertainment better be about YOU.


And that's about all the insanity I think we can handle for this week in entertainment. Go and get some followers!

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XVII]

By Katy 



Hi Katy,
I am now in the hunt for an apartment. Don't worry - I always eat an apartment after I kill it lol. Anyway, do you have any tips for this? I don't want to have to live with a lot of people, but I also don't want to be paying a shitload of money for a place I promise I will never even go to the bathroom in.
-Arnie the Apartment Hunter

Hi Arnie,

It seems the time of year for new apartmenting. I've already enlisted myself as an executive apartment finder for TWO people in the last two weeks. These are two people who look at a computer and shutter. Then cry. Then look at me and panic. The idea of finding an apartment, to these people, involves:

1.) Going outside.
2.) Talking to people in person.
3.) Filling out PAPER applications (I know, right? Just wait...)
4.) PHYSICALLY ENTERING the building of the gas/electric company to sign up for an account.
5.) Paying their friends in beer and pizza to help them move in.

Painfully archaic, isn't it? These saps are probably also the people using their car phones to call 411 and check the price of a pair of "slacks" at Sears.

But you, Arnie, are clearly ahead of the game. You e-mailed me this question so I know your knowledge of computer usage isn't completely lacking. However, what sort of apartment you're looking for and why you're going to eat it is sort of out of my realm of helpitude here. I deal in pretty traditional 1-4 bdrm apartment pursuits and have thus far not run across the fabled "gingerbread house" of apartment complexes.

What you should probably do is really think about the apartment you want, perhaps mention that having a toilet on the premises is a strict waste of square footage, and put an ad on Craigslist under the housing section titled:

WANTED: SINGLE CELLED, PADDED WALLS, DAILY FOOD DELIVERY, NO FUCKING TOILET--IMMEDIATE AVAILABILITY
You'll get some kind of hit I'm sure.

Hello "Katy,"
I've noticed that your advice resembles Ann Landers's advice column (http://www.creators.com/advice/classic-ann-landers.html). Have you been stealing from the greatest gift god gave to the world?
-Wondering Wendy

Hello "Wendy,"

How dare you...

No. How FUCKING dare you not only insinuate that I would steal advice, vehicles, personal data, bank information, or literary stylings from "Ann Landers," but you have the goram gall to link me to her advice column as if I wasn't thoroughly knowledgeable and aware of one of the most influential predecessors of my field.

Don't think for a second I haven't run into "Ann Landers" at advice column workshops. Workshops I teach, and "Ann Landers" attends. That's right. Who is stealing what from whom now? "Ann Landers" can't even use a computer, did you know that? And not because Ruth Crowley is fucking dead, but because Esther Lederer was so busy orchestrating the murder of Madalyn Murray O'Hair that she never got around to a keyboarding class.

I created advice columns. Did your "Ann Landers" tell you that? Did you know prior to my birth in 1932, females were banned from giving advice or any kind; even if it was about the most successful way to roll out the topping of an apple pie? I bet you didn't. I bet you could learn a lot from attending one of my workshops. I bet you'd be better off wondering somewhere else you trollop-y slutbag.

hi k8eee,
its kitten again. did u watch teen choice awards they were pretty kewl lol. gossip girl 1 best tv thing is it good? ive never seen it. do u agree wit da winners?
kitt

Hi kitten,

I haven't had television for two years, and I haven't watched the Teen Choice Awards since never, so I can definitely say with some satisfaction and certainty that I did not catch the event this year, though the front page of my local paper had quite a write up on the scene that took place between Zac Efron and Justin Bieber.

If I remember correctly, Efron was quoted as yelling out at the end of Bieber's preformance saying, "Yo, Justin. You suck, man. Also, you're kind of feminine and your music is only mildly catchy!"

Efron was then seen running from the venue muttering, "I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am. I'll give it all I got, that is my plan. Realize on what I lost, You know you can."

Then there was some run over into how Chicagoians are ruining Iowa, but that's The Gazette for you. I think it tied into how Chicagoians are ruining the Teen Choice Awards. For the sake of yourself and all of America I hope that's not true.

'Til next time kitten, keep growing up into a beautiful specimen of a girl.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XVI]

By Katy



HI Katy,
I have some money and I am looking to make a deposit. Years ago I opened a new checking account with a friend - he got $25 and I got $25. That's a pretty good deal right? I want to open a checking account but I don't know where to do it! How can we even trust banks at this point? Maybe I just bury my money in my crawlspace with my wife.
Sincerely,
Jubilant John

Hi John,

You're absolutely right, John, on every point you just made. We CAN'T trust banks anymore because all banks are ran by Jews and Hebrew-loving Nazis; two of the least trust-worthy cultures on the planet (right behind the Bulgarians). You were particularly on track with your crawlspace idea. Money is not only safest hidden behind the poorly hidden boards of a crawlspace, but cash money can literally duplicate itself overnight in the perfectly tempered climate of this small enclosure.

Now, you have a problem. You mentioned your rotting wife will be sharing this hole with your money? This could be a good or bad thing. Good, because if your wife has been slowing decomposing for ten plus years, this will fertilize the entire money duplicating process and you could find yourself tripling or quadrupling your yield. If she's been dead for less than ten years, then that will cause a giant issue. Freshly dead people (ten years or less) work like salt-water on plants and severely reduces the interest created by the magical process of money growth. But it's okay. What you can do is put a kiddie pool in the crawl space and fill it was water and orange Jell-o. This will speed up the decomposing process, get your money back to its proper duplication ratio, and ad the fresh scent of lemon to cover up the vomit-inducing smell of decomp.

Good luck, John.

HI KATY,
I AM REALLY PISSED OFF THAT LEBRON JAMES SIGNED WITH THE MIAMI HEAT. I AM A CLEVELAND CAVALIERS FAN AND HAVE BEEN FOR OVER 30 YEARS. THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! HE TURNS HIS BACK ON US AND I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGET IT. I HOPE HE ENJOYS BEING AROUND ALL THOSE OLD JEWS. MY QUESTION FOR YOU IS WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO FIND LEBRON JAMES AND HURT HIM?
-ANGRY ANDY

Hi Andy,

I'm not at all angry about this. I'm so not angry about this, that reading this was like a joke that made me giggle. It made me giggle because I don't give a shit about this so much that I had to ask my brother why the hell this mattered. I didn't even listen to my brother's response because I give such the lack of shit about this. In fact, I'm not sure I know what a Lebron James is. I'm going to guess it's something like Ed Hardy or York Mint which I'm pretty sure represents some sort of squirrel taxidermy factory to which I say, I'm pretty cool with that moving to Miami. Chill out, man, you should be too.

Hi Katy,
I just got a haircut and I hate it. There's so many layers! Should I wait for it to grow out or just shave it bald and start over?
-Haircut Haley

I love super-layered haircuts so I don't really get your problem. I don't really see why shaving it off or leaving it are your only two choices. If you think you have too many layers, then you should just shave off some of the layers. You could look like this:



And why wouldn't you want to look like that? If you don't look that awesome, then your bald alternative is to look this awesome:



And that makes me want to track you down and stomp on the tiny little fingers of your unborn children. Don't be fucking stupid. I think you see my point.


Hi Katy,
What's your favorite TV show? I need some recommendations as I mostly just watch Webster reruns.
-(Channel) Surfing Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Almost all of my favorite television shows are no longer running on air, and most aren't even running in syndication, so I can't enjoy my equivalent of your Webster. What I can do is suggest a number of television shows that will never, ever go off the air, thus saving you the trouble of getting SUPER into a show just to be sorely disappointed when it leaves you in shambles and ends with everyone fucking dying even thought the writers swore they were going to come up with something more original but didn't and now you hate that you wasted six fucking seasons on that show just to be furious and angry in every ounce of your being. These shows are:

  • Real World
  • Basketball (the game, not the show. It's a sport)
  • Judge Judy
  • American Idol
  • The Simpsons
  • Southpark
  • Meet The Press
  • Power Rangers
  • Cheaters
  • Charlie Rose
It should be noted that I wouldn't recommend you watch any of these shows even though they are sure not to be canceled. Any that aren't Judge Judy, that is. That's right. That means I don't like The Simpsons. Want to judge me? I don't really give a shit. Go watch your Webster re-runs and continue contributing nothing to society while it rests on my shoulders to keep the world well informed and advised while they watch Season 63 of The Power Rangers do American Idol. You guys are jerks.



/Have a lovely weekend everyone :)
//emoticon smiley face.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XV]

By Katy 



Hi Katy,
My name is Theodore. I recently moved to New York City because I felt like this world owes me something and I wanted to cash in on it. I figure even though tens of thousands of young people move to New York every day, I have a right to be successful and happy here. My parents say I am off base and that I should stay home on the farm or at least get a mid-level management job somewhere in the Mid-South. I also am in a wheelchair. Please tell me what I should do, or at least validate my life choice.
Lost in New York,
Theodore

Hi Theodore,

This is quite an apt time to bring this up, Theodore. See, I have a friend who is embarking on his very own journey Eastward in the next week or so. To say goodbye, we rented a flock of movies about people, such as yourself (but able-bodied), who took that great leap of faith to the world of the "Big Apple." Among these flicks were Coming to America, An American Tail, Babe II: Pig In The Big City, Mary Kate & Ashley: New York Minute, etc. I looked everywhere for The Muppets Do Manhattan. Like, everywhere. I went to Family Video and when I found out they didn't have it I had them call two other Family Videos and my boyfriend checked Blockbuster and I mean we got nothin'. You really don't know how difficult life is until you're running (errr, rolling I guess) around a simple Midwestern city trying to find what could possibly be the one film to properly guide our young friend and prepare him for the excitements and dangers of the new city... and coming up completely empty handed.

Basically, what I'm saying is you'll have to rent The Muppets Take Manhattan to get the real answer to your question.

hi kati,
its kitten again lol. where ubeen. i wrote u a letter n u ddint answer it. i got grounded 4 fucking 2 weeks bc i got caught w a sig i was smokin. is smokin bad or should i keep doin it n not tell my rents lol. do u smoke do u like it.
kitten

Hi Kitten,

Oh, Kitten. I see so much of a younger me in you. I, too, was grounded several times when I was caught smoking by my parents. Of course, I was smoking menthol cigarettes so it made like TONS more sense since they pretty much break into your lungs, rape your livelihood, and leave you with broken dreams.

Let me ask you this:

Why are you smoking, Kitten?

Is it cool? Does it help you "fit in?" Is this because I asked you nicely to abstain from sexual intercourse and you need some new "bad girl" image to cling to? Did someone call you a yellow-belied chicken? Because you can go ahead and punch them right in the face, Kitten. Don't you let other kids or adults make you feel more inferior than you yourself make you feel. Read that a few times, it made sense.

Smoking is bad for you, but I can't imagine you haven't already learned that from D.A.R.E, health class, television ads, radio ads, magazine ads, government officials, the sides of cartons, cases, and boxes of cigarettes, your parents, your pastor, your neighbor, bloggers of the Internets, the goody-goodies at school, your teachers, the principal, assemblies, the lifeguards at your local pool, the cross-walk guards, police officers driving around yelling through their megaphones, mall Santa, mall Easter bunny, mall elves, people that work at the Buckle, billboards, bus ads, bench ads, Disney shows, Nickelodeon shows, Spike TV, Degrassi, your older siblings, your dying grandmother, your dead grandmother, your cigar-toting grandfather, your step-dad, half-dad, ex-dad, birth-dad, adoptive-dad, and Saturday morning cartoons. So I'm not sure why you're asking me.

Finally. I do smoke. And I love it.

Hi Katy,
I slammed my car door while the window was down and now it won't roll up. I'm about to move and can't afford an expensive repair. What should I do?
-AutoMovebile

Hi AutoMovebile,

Lucky for me, I've never been in this particular situation, Auto. Unlucky for you, you are. So, my best source of information would be to walk about into the parking lot behind my apartment complex to let you in on the secrest of my most innovative neighbors when they suffer from this very same problem.

Step 1: Get a baseball bat.
Step 2: Stand near the inept car window
Step 3: Beat the shit out of that window with your baseball bat
Step 4: Find a spare bit of cardboard that's relatively the size of your window, but a little too small.
Step 5: Duct tape the cardboard to the empty window slot, thus making yourself a new cardboard window.

NOW, you are free to remove and replace your new cardboard window whenever you like! Now that's as far as my neighbors seem to go in this scheme, but I'd like to add on to this idea.

Step 6 (optional): Acquire a permanent marker
Step 7 (optional): Draw silouhette of yourself (as if you were driving) into the cardboard (hint: this will trick the police into thinking your cardboard window is an actual clear, glass window, thus saving you from getting pulled over for obstructing your view).

Step 8 (manditory): Enjoy being awesome.

KTz Movie Preview Reviewz

By Katy 



Grown Ups (Rated PG-13 for audiences too young to realize half these comedians are unamusing... I'm talkin' to you Rob Schneider and David Spade).

Grown Ups Theatrical Trailer

My Synopsis: Five friends come together after years of growing up to attend the funeral of their old, dead, beloved basketball coach. They're SUPER good friends, though they haven't bothered to keep up with each other in the least, so when they get back together they all act like twelve-year-olds, cuz that's just what happens when you hang out with friends you had when you were twelve. They celebrate dead coaches and do Fourth of July stuff while being absolutely hilarious by farting and using "dirty" language. Rob Schneider kills himself after watching Chris Rock actually make people laugh. His mind is literally blown.

My Take I had some hope for this movie when I heard Chris Rock and Kevin James were in it. Kevin James hasn't actually been funny in any movie he's ever done (I think, I haven't seen any of them), but I have a special place in my heart for his Comedy Central stand-up special Sweat the Small Stuff. I'd like to think he's actually somewhat amusing in this film. Then I saw Rob Schneider and David Spade and my mind was pretty much made up that the only way I'm seeing this movie is through the eyes of the highest girl in Iowa. Even then, it's super unlikely.


Stay tuned later this week for a special Eclipse movie preview review.

And by special I mean, sorry for wasting your time in advance.

GOOD MORNING [KTz Back Edition]

By Katy

Remember when I used to write good mornings but they were entirely too boring save my movie reviewz? Well, I'm here every Wednesday to bring you more mundane updates on everything in life ever. Excited?! YOU BETTER BE. IT'S WEDNESDAY IN TEXAS.

Today's Shitty Whiskey:

  • Old Overholt; Straight Rye Whiskey




    • I just had a sip of this whiskey. Yes, I know it's early, but since my grandmother refuses to dictate my articles after the whole HK Transcription Fiasco of 'One-Zero I'm having to sell my taste buds out to whatever Cedar Rapids drunkard with a 56K modem or better will have me. Plus, it's Wednesday, and Wednesday is "Hump Day." On "Hump Day" people drink to forget that they still have two more days of work left. What do they drink? Hopefully anything ever not resembling this fourteen dollar rye whiskey.

    Today's Buffy Angel Fan Vid:

    Whiskey Lullaby



    I know how much everyone who reads OYIT likes Buffy Angel and Allison Kraus, so I took the time to share this Buffy Angel Fan Vid with you guys to help you get through the day. It's about the dangers of whiskey and vampires impossibly ancient gods. If you plan on watching Buffy Angel, don't watch this video.

    Today's Not-So-Funny-Kind-Of-Confusing-Whiskey-Related Joke:


    -Mouse 1: "I can drink a whole glass of whiskey"

    -Mouse 2: "I can a bottle of whiskey"

    -Mouse 3: "So what - I'll go fuck the cat."


    Today's Abrupt GM Ending:

    Yeah, mostly I ran out of whiskey-related things to talk about. I don't really drink it and I merely made an entire whiskey good morning article to satisfy the insatiable whiskey love of my latest drunkard. I hope you all learned something. Have a great day and a solid hangover in the morning!

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIV]

    By Katy



    Hi Katy,
    I just became a vegetarian and all I eat is riblets. I used to eat at Subway all the time and listen to Blind Melon as I chewed delicious sandwiches. Now all I do is eat riblets and iron my shirts. Can you share with me some recipes or point me in the right directions of being healthy?
    -Ryan Riblet

    Hi Ryan,

    Becoming a vegetarian shouldn't greatly effect your enjoyment of Blind Melon whilst chewing delicious sandwiches. I happen to be a very big fan of colby jack cheese sandiwches with some romaine, onion, and a touch of yellow mustard or pesto spread. Perhaps some sprouts now and again. Toss in a little pepper jack to spice things up. And Subway already has you covered... they have a vegetarian sandwich they'll charge you $4 for despite being able to make the very same thing at home twenty times over for $4. But they roast it and stuff.

    I don't really believe in sharing recipes.

    A.) My recipe box is in my head, right where it belongs so no one eats delicious Katy food but this gal.

    B.) Sharing recipes takes me back to a time when women stood around the kitchen baking, barefoot and pregnant, until their husbands came home to cram that food down their faces without even tasting the hard work and spam that went into it, farted, then went outside to drink whiskey with "the boys" and complain about President Eisenhower while the women stayed behind, in their kitchens, picking up the shattered remains of their happiness, diginity, and favorite China serving dish. I realize you're probably too young to remember these times, but trust me, they weren't pretty.

    If you want to be healthy you're going to have to show inititive. I'm here for counsel and advice, but I can't drag you the gym and make you do twenty minutes of solid eliptical work. I just don't have the time.


    Hi Katy,
    My TV is broken. I don't nkow if it's worth getting fixed, or if people even fix TVs anymore. Maybe that was something from the 50s when TVs cost $400 and $400 was worth $45,000. Anyway, how am I supopse to watch my stories if I don't have a TV? What are some good TVs? Should I get a flat one or do they even make the flat ones anymore? I'm no TV technician, which is why I'm writing this question to you in the first place. Save me Katy!
    -Tammy (not a) TV Technician

    Hi Tammy,

    I don't know anything about TVs. I only use mine to play video games once every four months. You know where you can get a TV? My apartment. I'm getting a projector soon and will no longer have any need for the twenty year old TVs I have piling up in my place. If you want my advice, you'll get a projector, and here's why.

    TVs are stupid. I mean, they can be great and all, but they're getting more and more difficult to repair. There are plenty of people out there that still repair TVs, it's just now they look at them, shrug, charge you $557.43 and return to their Xbox 360s in their lavished condos.

    Therefore, great places to get TVs include:

    • My apartment
    • Goodwill
    • Other consignment shops/buildings
    • Your neighbor's garage
    • A hotel room (this will only work if your credit card/ID is not the one on file)
    • Your mother's basement (Please also see: Corner Pawn Store/Crack House Consignment).
    • Elementary schools (after dark)



    Really, if you don't want to spend the money on a new TV, your best option is to make some friends at the local nursing home. Learn to play gin and start visiting some old people; they'll be watchin' some stories. Enjoy your new found old person small.

    Hi Katy,
    How are you doing today? It seems like everybody is talking about World Cup Soccer this and Stanley Cup that. When are people going to learn that sports are nothing but unhealthy competition that tears the world apart into various sports teams? I wish we could just come together and hug. I would hug you Katy, because you give great advice and you're probably cuddly. Anyway, while I don't agree with sports, I'm firmly behind gambling. Do you have any hot picks for the World Cup or should I just ask some Mexican or African dude who they think will win? They'll probably go with Mexico or Africa, but what if they were right?
    -Soccer Samuel

    Hi Samuel,

    They're most likely to be right. I can see your grievance with the whole country (and world) being preoccupied with various sporting teams and such, but I think you should also realize that a lot of your point-of-view is strictly from being an American. Yes, I know that the Irish and English and Hispanics and Canadians can go nuts over their respective teams and sporting country pride, but American's lives revolve around sports. We find our worth in how many times Brett Farve can come out of retirement. Now that's clearly stupid.

    But the World Cup? The World Cup is a wonderful time of year when everyone can get together. WheN Americans can pretend they actually give a shit about soccer and all of a sudden friends who have mocked my soccer love for years are taking time off work to watch 'the' game at the Londerer. Assholes. If there's any sport that can take the delicate balance of sports team pride and toss it all together with the love we have for our fellow brothers and sisters in other countries and then yellow card it, it's soccer.

    Was that the point? What was the point.... well I'm certainly cuddly, that's for true. Umm... I feel like this was suppose to go somewhere but I just really don't know where. Oh, oh, right. Ask a Brazilian, African, and an Iranian who's going to win the World Cup -- gamble on whatever best out of 3 is. Good luck.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIII] G-ma Edition

    By Katy

    Hi Katy,
    I have never seen a good movie in my life. I grew up on a commune and we didn't have a TV. Then when I went to college I saw a few movies that my roommate had, but they were terrible! Since then I strayed away from motion pictures, but people seem to like them quite a big. I feel you seem to watch a few movies over the course of a year, so maybe you could give me a recommendation or two (but let's not go crazy, I don't want to overload myself).
    -Film Flam

    Hi Flam,

    Flam. I don't just watch a few movies a year. I watch a shit-ton of movies a year (please see urbandictionary.com for the shit-ton conversion table). Now, you may have noticed on my Friday previewz that I seem to adhor and detest every piece of trash that trickles out of Hollywood, but I mostly hate every piece of trash that has trickled out of Hollywood in the last few years (with some minor exceptions).

    I'm going to give you two recommendations of movies I don't love, but just kinda like. They're movies I think everyone should see, but I don't exactly rate them in my top ten. You can't handle my top ten.

    Jawbreaker (Rated R for raunchy).

    Jawbreaker is a film from 1999 starring Rose McGowan, Julie Benz, Rebecca Gayheart and also starring Carol Kane and Judy Greer with a special cameo from McGowan's then lover, Marilyn Manson. A creepy, creepy cameo. And I mean creepy for Manson. I don't normally find Manson creepy, but in this movie he's some greased-up, lonely guy at a bar and you have to watch him plow McGowan with this creepy-ass grin on his face.

    Anyway, the movie starts off with Shayne (McGowan), Marcie (Benz), and Julie (Gayheart), three of the four most popular girls at school, kidnapping their friend Liz (THE most popular girl at school) to take her out for her birthday. Shayne shoves a jawbreaker in her mouth and OOPS! She dies in the trunk of the car before pancakes. Instead of responsibly telling an adult they just murdered their BFF, Shayne bullies the other girls into covering it up. They put Liz back in bed, set up a rape scene, and deal with the police and their guilt (or Shayne and Marcie's nonchalance) for the next few weeks. Julie can't stand what they've done and she confides in the hot drama kid. With Julie kicked out of the group for having a soul, there's a spot open for the super lame, super invisible, super nerdy Fern (Greer), a girl who stumble upon this murder set up, to take her place. It's fuckin' nuts.

    Legend (Rated PG for adiences of fantastical ages).

    This may seem like a cop-out, but the synopsis on the back of my VHS tape for this movie is so perfect, I feel like writing my own would darken its perfect memory. Here ya go:

    Tom Cruise stars in this visually stunning fantasy adventure in which pure good and evil battle to the death amidst spectaculat surroundings. Set in a timeless mythical forest inhabited by fairie, goblins, unicorns and mortals, the fantastic story has Tom Cruise, a carefree forest dweller, chosen by fate to undertake a heroic quest. He must save a beautiful princess, Mia Sara, and defeat the demonic Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry(!!), or the world will be plunged into a never-ending ice age...

    That synopsis does fail to mention that Tim Curry is awesome and even though he plays the son of the devil and even though he's like a thousand years old now, I would totally do him.

    Hi Katy,
    I'm not scientist, but I could have b een if my perants would have told me I could be anything besides a janitor at a women's prison. Should I go back to school and get a degree in science?
    -Samuel Science

    Hi Science,

    My parents never told me I could be a janitor at a women's prison. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Wait. Shh. What's that? Hear it?

    Samuel Science...
    Samuel Science
    Sam...uel...

    Yep. That sounds like job security calling your name.

    Women have been breaking the year for a long time. Probably longer then men. Remember when God made a law not to eat anything from the Tree of Good or Evil (Remember when God had like, the lamest imagination for naming things ever)? And what happened? Fuckin' Eve broke that fucking law, didn't she? Ever since then women have had an inherient need to do what is wrong, and that will never change. Science? Science changes ever day, man. Growing up I was pretty sure Pluto was our ninth planet. What is science telling me now? I don't know because I'm from Illinois and the state in its entirity has chosen to ignore science and continue believing that Pluto is the ninth planet, but I think you get my drift here. Everyone and their baby daddy wants to be a scientist. But you, Sammy. YOU are doing what is needed and what is important, and that's keeping blood and piss off the cell block floor. You're a true hero. I wouldn't change a single thing about that.

    Hi Katy,
    I just watched the movie Throw Momma From the Train and I have a few questions. First, do you think the pairing of Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal was good? I thought DeVito with Arnold was way funnier. They were "Twins" but they didn't look anything alike, which I found pretty funny. Second, the titular momma was gross and everything, but did they really need to kill her? Maybe they could have just drugged her. I even thought of a good title, "Momma Drug a Rolling Stone." Maybe it's not great, but I think it's pretty decent. What do you think, Katy?
    -Throw Mommma from a Brianne

    Hi Brianne,

    If you want to know what I think of that alternative title, I fucking hate it.

    As for DeVito and Crystal... I haven't seen this movie, and from the sound of it I don't want to. The only movie I really appreciated Crystal in was his cameo in The Princess Bride with Carol Kane (yeah, you read that right. When Harry Met Sally? More like When Harry Met Who Fucking Cares. Now That's an alternative title. It actually saves people from watching the damn movie). And that's because I really like Carol Kane and weird miracle workers. Second, I fucking hated the movie Twins, or at least the four minutes I saw of it. Third, I really don't like Danny DeVito at all. He's been annoying me on the big screen for, literally, ages. However, we did make our amends when he joined the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and actually managed to be hilarious. Did you have other questions? I think that about covers everything. Maybe you should just watch Jawbreaker next time.

    Hi Katy,
    I was reading One Year In Texas (this website) a few days ago and I read the article about pink lemonade vs. regular lemonade. It wasn't really funny but I laughed because I didn't know who was watching me. I thought "I'd rather know what Katy thinks about lemonade" so I decided to write this letter to you. Don't make either of us regret it. Just tell me what kind of lemonade you fucking like.
    -Demanding Dominic

    Hi Dominic,

    Ya know what, Demandy-McGee? Try this on for size:

    I don't fucking like lemonade.

    It's sour and does little to nothing to soothe the parched throat. It's like a beverage created for people who hate themselves and want their body to know it. Pink? That't just a marketing ploy to coax thirteen-year-old girls into thinking they want it. What's it made from? Pink lemons?

    (Note: if that bad joke was on the debate, I apologize for replicating it. I haven't read this debate yet because I'm still without the Internet and even now am only writing this article by forcing my grandmother to transcribe my words as I talk to her over the phone. Just fucking type it grandma. Not that, grandma. Don't type that either, what's wrong with you? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, GRANDMA. Because I can hear you typing it. I don't really care if your hands hurt, I'M ALMOST DONE).

    Uhhhhhh.... right. Lemonade. Lemonade is stupid. Are you fucking happy, grandma? I'm done now. Now you can continue being old and useless.

    KTz Preview Reviewz

    By Katy 

    MacGruber(Rated R for portraying a giant douchebag in positive light).



    Synopsis: Did you watch the trailer? Did you catch that "THE BEST ACTION-COMEDY SINCE BEVERLY HILLS COP?" 'Nuff said. I was digging through some extra info on about.com and something the trailer failed to mention is the heartbreaking prologue to MacGruber: "In the 10 years since his fiancée was killed, special op MacGruber (Will Forte) has sworn off a life of fighting crime with his bare hands." Is that intentional? Did he continue to fight off crime with a machete and pick axe? I don't know. All I know is I don't like Will Forte and I don't find him even slightly amusing and that brings us right to...

    My Take: I had a lot of thoughts run through my head when viewing this trailer. I should openly admit I had absolutely no idea this was an SNL movie and I therefore can assume MacGruber is some sort of SNL character (though why SNL would give Will Forte his own reoccurring character is bonkers to me). I don't like him. What I do like: Val Kilmer plays the uber-intelligent Dieter that MacGruber is sent to take down. This is clearly awesome because Kilmer is an over-the-top serious actor. Watching him act in a complete farce could be fun all of its very own. I hope halfway through the movie Kilmer just throws his drench coat on the ground and walks out of the film. If I'm let down I can always just spend my time admiring how pretty Ryan Phillippe still is. Or do none of these things while I'm not watching this movie.


    Shrek Forever After (Rated PG, but no one really cares because all the stupid sequels of this movie really bankrupts the adorableness of the original movie).



    Synopsis: Shrek makes a deal with the devil! Not the kind of "PG" rated story I was looking for, but I'll bite. Shrek wants to know what it's like to be an ogre, which he already should know because he's already been an ogre. That and he could just rent Shrek and save himself the nightmare alternate universe he finds himself traversing. Again, we enjoy the prospect of a short, tiny, angry man ruling the land. Shrek's friends don't know him and everything in his life is turned upside down. Grass is always greener.. right? Not for Shrekster. But then he joins the rebellion to take down the empire, or something, so stuff happens and fart noises ensue and half-shaded sexual innuendos surface. It's Shrek; the "final" chapter.

    My Take: I've been unhappy about this for a long time. I enjoyed the first Shrek, the second one was so-so and not worth making, and I didn't see the third. I do somewhat like the story line in this one, but I mostly like that Puss is back in it and he's fat and he does his adorable sad eyes. I'm not going out of my way to see this and it's totally not worth the extra $3 to see it in 3D. But, if it happens to be on and I'm somewhere and I'm high, I'll give it a shot.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XII] Speed Advising Edition

    By Katy 

    Welcome to another SPECIAL edition of Hi Katy. CAN YOU STAND ALL THIS SPECIAL-NESS? Today we're going to try a little something called Speed Advising. It's like Speed Dating, but instead of sweaty palms and rejection you get advice in a nice concise manner. I'm going to give myself two minutes apiece to answer each of my questions for today. Luckily, I type at 120 WPM so here's hopin' it's enough to help. And now begins the experiment.



    Hi Katy,
    I'm going to a music festival next weekend and want to try LSD for the first time. Do you have any tips??
    -Trippin' Tom

    Hi Tom,

    Taking LSD for the first time when you're surrounded by a ton of people and music and lights is the best idea. You should make sure to eat very little and keep yourself hardly hydrated to achieve the mass effect LSD provides. I would suggest you stay away from Dave Matthews Band though. That doesn't really have anything to do with LSD, that's just a general rule of thumb I keep after attending a music festival wherein the headliner was Dave Matthews. Seriously, how is that band still even popular? Remember when hippies had some taste and class?

    I'm getting off topic though and I'm running out of time so listen to good music. If you think your trip is getting relatively bad, head back to your tent and write out a long letter to your mother explaining how sorry you are and detailing how you'd like your funeral to go. It'll help mellow you out a little until you're ready to have sex with the next three random girls that walk by you.

    Time.

    Hi Katy,
    My friend Aaron thinks a monkey would be a great pet, but I think they would be awful. Can you tell us which one of us is right? Please, this is important.
    -Just Monkeying 'Round Justin

    Hi Justin,

    You're both right and I'll tell you why.

    A monkey would make a great pet because they're fucking adorable. You get to put diapers on them and dress them up in little tuxedos and teach them to bite the people you don't like. Monkeys biting people is more socially acceptable than dogs biting people because monkeys are still not domesticated enough to suffer the same fates as dogs. Plus, how mad can you get when a monkey in a diaper bites you? Right?

    A monkey would also be a horrible pet because they fucking bite people. Not only that, they throw poo. Diaper 'em up all you want, but those little devils are poo throwing machines. You could save yourself a lot of trouble by just buying the Poo Thrower Deluxe 2009 edition, but then you'd have poo all over and that's fucking stupid.

    You know what makes a good pet? A snake. They're easy to deal with, they're relatively cheap to maintain care of and they only eat like once a freaking month. Plus, everyone will think you're a badass.

    Time.

    katy
    its kitten agin. how r u lol. sry 2 keep ritin but i heard this thing and wanted 2 ask u bout it. do u know if u can get pregnant from oral s-x. not that im doin it but some girls r and they need 2 no. plz find out 4 me thx. lol bye
    kitten

    Hi kitten,

    Everything I've ever learned in life teaches me that you cannot get pregnant from oral sex, but I also learned that if you try your hardest you can never fail, and quite frankly that's a loud of horse poopy. Therefore, I wouldn't just dive into lots of oral sex giving. Or, if you do, spit like the dickens.

    You know what you should occupy your time with? Games on Facebook. Most games on Facebook have very little to do with sex and I'm noticing a theme in your questions that you seem to have a lot to do with sex or at least considering it. Sex is great and all, but it can also be very bad. I don't mean because you get pregnant or have STDs or have to buy condoms all the time. I mean sometimes sex is plain fucking bad. I blame all you kids who start trying out this crazy stuff too young and don't bother to focus on the basics.

    What you need to do is give it a good couple of years before you get overly interested in this sex stuff. Next time you write me I hope it's to ask how to get the high score on Bejeweled. Good luck. Stay away from sex juices.

    Time.

    hi katy,
    i am going to move to the north pole this upcoming winter. i heard it gets dark there for 23 hours a day and is cold as shit. Also, does fucking Santa live there or what? lol. Anyway, what do you think is the best route to take? People have been telling me to fly but there are no airports there so you have to jump out. I could also go by boat. If it was good enough for slaves it's good enough for me.
    Thanks,
    North Pole Ned

    Hi Ned,

    Go by hot air balloon, man.

    But you should also be sure to pack a nice wind-breaker or light jacket because the further north you get the further fucking cold it's going to get. The bright side is, if it starts to get SUPER cold when you get up there, you can just climb towards the top of the hot air balloon and warm yourself around the fire that's fueling the balloon.

    Plus, once you get to the North Pole you can use the balloon to build yourself a shelter. You can hide under the basket so you don't get eaten by anything up there, or use it to sail down the ocean when the ice cap you're camping on melts away.

    I would also like to take the time to tell you: don't move to the fucking North Pole. It is fucking cold.

    Time.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue X] Mother's Day Edition

    Hi Katy 

    Good late morning my little Boogaboos. As you all know today is a very special day in which we honor those who not only biologically passed us through their birth canals, but also those special women and men in our lives who have acted in place of our more drug-addicted, absentee, whoring, creationist-minded parents. Like me. I consider my readers, the OYIT contributors, and all those sad, lost children who write to me every week to be the fruit of my womb. This one is for you guys. It's for everybody. And most of all, it's for me.



    Hi Katy,
    I've been a mother for thirteen years. I have a twenty-eight-year old son and a six-year old daughter. Those brats think Mother's Day is the only day I deserve a phone call or crappy construction paper cards to thank me for giving them life! When I was young I couldn't wait to grow up and be a mom, but now I look back on my life and wish I'd done more drugs or joined a rock band or had my own cooking show on Food Network. I know I shouldn't hate my kids, but they did completely ruin my life. Can you help me to appreciate my children again?
    -Deadbeat Debra

    Hi Debra,

    First of all, your children are not keeping you from a lucrative career on Food Network. All it takes is a few thousand attempts applying to The Next Food Network Star or Food Network Challenge. Don't let your dreams die with your maternal instinct.

    Next, let's tackle this issue with your kids. I have no idea what either of your kids are like and therefore don't really know whether they're worthless little runts or precious contributors to our society (though I bet that six-year-old just takes, takes, takes, am I right?), so I'm not comfortable commenting on their value in this world. What I will say is this: you chose to, at some point, bring these things into our world. It might not be pretty, and you might not like how they turned out, but that's likely your fault anyway for being one a shit of a mother. It is your responsibility to care for these miscreants, at least in spirit, until the die they make their own families or come out.

    I would normally suggest you look back on the good times. Photo albums and baby books and moments when you were still psyched about being a mom, but I think you'll only be disgusted, particularly with the twenty-something, when you see the trash they've turned into. Instead, watch the movie Kids. I suggest this in hopes that your children are at least slightly better than the teenage wasteland laid out in that movie. Perhaps you can appreciate that even if they're not the bundles of joy you once thought they could be, at least they're not giving AIDS to all of New York City.

    Hi Katy,
    My son recently joined the ARMY. I was against it from the beginning, what with all the wars and such they get their selves into. Now that it's Mother's Day I really expect him to call from Afghanistan, but that might be a little crazy. Should I be upset if he doesn't call or should I just be happy he's alive? Remember I was against him joining the ARMY when you answer this question.
    -ARMYMOM420@live.com

    Hi ARMYMOM420@live.com,

    Should the fact that you were against him joining the ARMY be a reason to NOT be upset that he's alive? Or that he called? I'm confused. You seemed to have accepted his ARMY lifestyle to the point were you made an e-mail reflecting your son's occupation (and yours). I just don't buy your story, madam.

    From what the media tells me, the surge worked out real well, so, I don't see why he would have any trouble getting an international call through on this, the most important day of a mother's life. Of course, I don't know what the surge is or where it took place or what that means for our armed forces or the foreign counties we're forever resting in, all I know is that it's good. I don't see any reason why you can't be upset if he doesn't call. Father's Day and my father's birthday all took place during the disastrous Flood of '08, but I still managed to get a call through on both those days to Illinois to let him know I was thinking of him. If I can pull through in the damp tragedy that was Cedar Rapids, there's no good reason your son can't get through in Afghanistan.

    But, if he does call, perhaps you should take this one day not to voice your hatred of his career choice. Ya know. Just in case it causes him to never call again/die in the few days following. You would feel real bad about that I bet.

    Hi Katy,
    My friend and her sister had a death in the family this day last year. It was their great-grandmother whom they called "Nana." Nana was very close to my friend and her sister, to the point of bonding with them better than their own mother did. Now that Nana is gone, every year thus far, my friend and her sister go into these very, very deep depressions to the point where one won't talk to me at all, and the other is hardly responsive. I tried my best to be uplifting for the both of them and got very good results from my friend's sister; I cheered her up, but my friend completely shut me out. When this time rolls around next year, I'm not sure if I should even come around. What do you think I should do?
    -Dead Lady Cramping My Style

    Hi Style,

    Well, Style. In these situation it's usually apparent that the "friend" you're referring to is yourself. But quite frankly I got lost in all that friend's sister, friend stuff and I can't really see how you would be shutting yourself out so I'm just going to roll with this.

    Death is really hard, even when grandmothers do it. I guess it sucks even more that this had to befall your friend and her sister so close to Mother's Day, so there's a constant reminder that the mother figure in their lives has bitten the big one. But here's the harsh reality: death happens. It's sad, it's hard to get past, but it happens. If Nana was alive (and yes I realize these two wouldn't have a problem if that were the case, but it's better than judging what she'd do from 'Heaven' or something ridiculous like that) she would probably be hurt to see her grandbabies responding this way to her passing. People need to be remembered because we're human, and somewhere in our long history of society we've decided this is a fact. We need to remember people that are important to us, the things we were taught, and the love we had for them. But we certainly don't need to sit around and shut out the world around their death anniversary. Nana will still be dead in November, but that doesn't seem to affect them as much. You know what I'm saying?

    I've actually never had a grandparent die, or a parents, or an aunt or uncle or brother or sister, and therefore I don't really know what I'm saying. How about this. Next year around this time, sit these two down and have them watch Weekend At Bernie's. It'll help teach them that death can be funny and joyful, and most people get over it super easy and they should, too. Then throw in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead so they can see that losing old people is really just a license to lie, get jobs, and clean houses. All of this will work out in the end. Trust me.

    Hi Katy,
    I love my mother very much. She is my best friend and confidant. She literally calls me at least five times a week. I know that's a little weird, but it gets stranger. For some reason her calls always seem to come in the middle of... how should I put this? While my boyfriend is doing to me what the planes did to the Twin Towers in 2001. It's uncanny. It's as though she knows and wants vag block my premarital sex. I don't want to stop the massive vagina wrecking I'm undergoing, but at the same time I really want to see how my mom is doing. Should I stay on the phone while we're doing it? What should I do Katy? Life shouldn't be this confusing!
    -Dirty Diana
    Hi Diana,

    DON'T ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE, DUMBSHIT. I mean, props that the boyfriend still plows you like a new acre in Farmville at least five times a week, but the fact that you even consider picking up the phone mid-coitus is both unsettling and a mood-killer. I can hardly stand the hypothetical of what I would do in the situation wherein my mother is yapping into my ear about virus software updates while my boyfriend is... yeah I can't even go there.

    It's so lovely that you have such a close relationship with your mother, and kind of creepy, but I bet your boyfriend would find it extraordinarily creepy to have her participate in your bouts of love-making. Or, if he doesn't find it all that weird, you very seriously need to get a new boyfriend.

    Let voicemail do what it's intended to do and get back to her at your next possible convenience. i.e. After sexual gratification is achieved.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A special HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY shout out to my very own mother, who doesn't call me while I'm having sex with my boyfriend. And my sister, who doesn't call me. And everyone else with babies everywhere. Have a lovely brunch, and make sure to put that plant food in your vase of flowers.

    KTz Preview Reviewz [Iron Man Edition]



    By Katy 

    One movie. Longest article ever.

    Iron Man II (Rated for shit you can't even imagine).




    Synopsis: Tony "the Stark Man" Stark is like the worst secret super hero ever because everyone knows he's the Iron Man. Seriously, Bruce Wayne almost choked on his Dom Perignon when he saw the first movie. Anyway, all the people in the Marvel Universe know that Anthony is Iron Man and now the military wants to get their greedy little hands on this amazing iron-y equipment so they can take out noobs in Pakistan. Err, Kuwait. Qatar? Who are we attacking now? Well, it's likely the military is attacking somebody, so for the sake of argument let's say Ohio. The military wants to attack Ohio but Toners is afraid that someone not quite as sane as the U.S. military will get a hold of this amazing armor and use it to... ummm... stay safe from their attacks? So rather than deal with the military, Mr. Stark makes some new friends and then battles some dudes. Word.

    My Take: I've proclaimed myself a nerd on this site several times, and I guess that means I should automatically like comic book characters. Well, I don't. Particularly Marvel. It just doesn't do it for me. I tried to watch the first Iron Man when I was strung out on codeine and I got about fifteen minutes in before I wanted to throw up. To be fair, that was mostly the fault of the codeine, but I haven't looked back since. It probably has something to do with the whole military aspect. I thought it might be Robert Downey, Jr., but then I was like, man candy. He's pretty. But Iron Man is lame. Though, it should be noted that Scarlett Johansson is in this movie and I would plow her into next Sunday.

    **SPECIAL SEGMENT**

    KTz Boyfriend'z Take: Katy has asked that I write a review of Iron Man 2. Now, I went into this knowing I was going to like it and I warned her my review was going to essentially be me manually pleasuring Iron Man (there's some exceptional imagery). Basically, after having watched the movie, this is still entirely true. So, since reviews that simply go, "This was amazing and wonderful and exciting and enjoyable," etc. are boring, I'm going to first review Wehrenberg Theater.

    Most of you (if you're lucky) probably don't know what this is, but it is the most poorly run theater I've ever had to experience. I can remember seeing one movie in the past two years that has not fucked up in some way. Most of the time it's something little; the movie's slightly out of focus or the previews are upside down while the audio is running backwards. These don't necessarily take you out of a movie. Tonight, fortunately, nothing happened during the film, once it finally started. Forty-five minutes is a long time to wait for a midnight movie to start when you arrived there at 12:02AM. It could be worse, though. Going to the original Iron Man, there was no bass for the last half of the movie. The first fifteen minutes of Burn After Reading had no subtitles because the projector was pointed too far down. During Unborn the film physically melted halfway through the movie (to be fair it did not hurt the movie's watchability one bit). So, if you're ever in the Cedar Rapids area, and you must go to a movie, for the love of god go to Wynnsong.

    So yeah, Iron Man 2! This is the classic story of Futuristic-Armor-Bedecked-Boy 1 meets Futuristic-Armor-Bedecked-Boy 2 and they fall in love. Partway through, a Differently-Bedecked-Boy comes into the mix, and tries to coax the love of FABB1 from FABB2. He makes a flashy display, to which FABB1 turns a deaf ear, so in love with FABB2 is he. However, the incredible pimp, Sam Rockwell, notices this display and tells DBB that, with his funding and expertise, he can win the heart of FABB1 for DBB. Great efforts are made by the onscreen women to capture the attention of any of the men in the movie (and audience), but it's clear that they only have eyes for suits of armor.

    This was an excellent movie, and if you've seen the first one and liked it there's virtually nothing you will not like about this movie. There's a weird scientific fact shown in the movie that as long as your blood is not 100% poison, you will not die. Also, there is a rather unnecessary side plot that the writers seem to realize isn't needed halfway through the movie and just magic it away. These points are the only bad (and by bad I mean I can only come up with these two after going over the entire movie in my head eight times trying to find something negative to say) bits of film making I can remember from the entire movie. The pacing is excellent, the humor is fun (if a little frat-boyish, but it's for comic nerds, c'mon) and the action really made me want to be a violent person, and isn't that what action movies are all about?

    To sum up: if you didn't like the first movie, DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE. You will hate it. If you enjoy fun and liked the first movie like a normal person, go. Enjoy. You will not be disappointed. And, like all Marvel movies, if you want to enjoy just a little more geekiness, stay through the end credits.

    **Writers Note**

    Josh sees three movies a week in the theatre. He is the only person I know who has had this bad of luck at Wehrenberg (and who wouldn't with those percentages?). Plus, his memory sucks. In my five years of attending 99% of my theatrical viewings at Wehrenberg, I have had one problem, and that was while seeing a movie with Josh. Due to his blatant and unwarranted hatred of (shhh) Wehrenberg (shhh), Galaxy 16 has gone out of its way to ruin every film Josh attends.

    What Josh failed to mention is that you are more than welcome to give Wynnsong a chance if you want to develop scabies upon your first trip to the restroom. In fact, my worst movie going experience to date took place on the 22 of May. The year 2008. The movie? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. (Yeah, it was horrible for several reasons, obviously). But what matters is that for the first thirty minutes of the movie the film was physically split so that the top half of the movie took place on the bottom of the screen. Yeah. Still want to go to Wynnsong? I didn't think so. Plus, Wehrenberg has a mother fucking arcade!

    Last time I let Josh write a review, right? Am I right? I'm just kidding. Here on OYIT everyone's opinions are valid. Even if they hate on awesome theatres.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    (My apologies to my reading audience. I may have lost my way a little on this one. Enjoy your day!)

    KTz Preview Reviewz [Mary's Edition]

    By Katy

    This is a special edition of KTz Preview Reviewz for my sister, Mary. Mary sent me an e-mail several weeks ago demanding I get out a review on Brendon Fraser's new movie Furry Vengeance as soon as humanly possible. I wanted to do a quick sum up a few weeks ago, but I've only recently started living again, so she gets it today. Please enjoy, especially YOU, MARY.



  • I Love You Phillip Morris (Rated R for super gay love)




    • My Take: So, at first I was like.. I don't care what you think about Jim Carrey, I love him and I will give him the benefit of a doubt as long as he doesn't make anything even remotely similar to The Mask or When Natures Calls again. Then I heard that accent and thought, there's no way I can withstand that atrocious Texan attempt for a whole movie. THEN, I remember Ewan McGregor was in this movie and they fall in love and con people and make money and are awesome together. So, I'm totally in.

  • A Nightmare On Elm Street (Rated R for fucking being Nightmare on Elm Street, bitches).




    • My Take: Okay, I admit it. I have never seen any of the original Nightmare On Elm Streets. I feel it would be wrong to have my first viewing be that of an updated version. I can't complain about what they got wrong or the fact that all the updated technology loses the story or try to figure out why these teenagers look to be in their early 30's, rather than high school age. Hello, 1992 called, they want their questionably aged cast back. I guess I can still do that.

  • Furry Vengeance (Rated PG for Perpetual Gagging)




    • My Take: Hahaha. Oh, Brendon Fraser. Stop. Stop making movies. Stop ruining nature. And stop ignoring your child. This is like the IRL version of Over the Hedge, but way less amusing and adorable. I thought I could stomach this movie right up until the Port-A-Potty scene. Sorry Fras... that's where I draw the line. I mean, watching you get dumped in excrement is more enjoyable than a Vampire Weekend reunion concert, but knowing it's all fake burns the crying pieces of my soul. I hate you. I have no idea why there is a white ferret in the middle of the forest. And if Mary hadn't asked me to write a review specifically on this movie, I would have made this my first official boycott.




    I hope you enjoyed that.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIII]

    By Katy 

    Don't worry, I'm back now! I mean the real me; I was lost last week. Now that I've begun picking up the shattered remains of my life and dignity, I can now help you gather yours! There, there. Mama's home now and we're going to tackle this myriad of questions that lies before us.



    Hi Katy,
    I was thinking about getting circumcised because my wife is starting to get bored with our sex life. Should I just get a cock piercing instead?
    -Cocky Carl

    Hi Carl,

    I'm sorry to hear that your wife finds your current penis situation to be nothing less than calamitous. That can't be particularly easy on your frail male ego. However, you should note that circumcision won't be particularly easy on your frail erogenous zone. I don't have a penis or anything, but I can only assume that shit smarts.

    Specifically for this post, I took the time to read up on my circumcision information, a pastime I normally save for never. While there have been vast improvements in procedures and anesthesia, the results and aftermath still vary in terms of health benefits. In some cases, if not many cases, it seems circumcision can hurt your sex drive. So, I don't know that this is the best choice to get her moaning.

    I do stand firmly behind your decision to get the cock piercing. I have heard nothing but good things from the one friend I know who experienced this sort of sexual pleasure. Plus, how badass are you if you can withstand a Prince Albert, right? The correct answer here is obvious. Don't cut, pierce.

    Hi Katy,
    I love popsicles there I said it! But when I eat popsicles my lips will often adapt the color of the popsicle. Don't even get me started on my teeth. So how do I balance my love of these frozen treats with my desire to be taken seriously as a 38 year old woman?
    -Popsiclin' Penny

    Hi Penny,

    In this world there are aspects of our personalities we can proudly wear on our shoulder (or in our mouths, in your case) and some we cannot. It's perfectly okay for a 38-year-old woman to enjoy a popsicle every now and then, but I get the feeling your love goes beyond that.

    For this reason, I'm going to have to urge you to keep the majority of your popsicle binging away from the public eye. I'm doing this for your own good, and the good of all. If you want to sit at home and discolor your lips and tongue 'til the world ends, I have no reason or will to stop you, but I will not okay this sort of behavior around children and peers.

    Kids are very impressionable, and once they see how much fun it is to eat popsicles all the time, there will be a cavity epidemic like nothing this country has every seen. The entirety of the US will look at you as the woman to blame for this outrage. Your peers and fellow adults will look down on you in abhorrence and regret ever having known you. The state of our society will collapse as more and more people see this as a case of objectum sexuality and you become as controversial as gay marriage or Kirk Cameron. Juice and freezers all over the world will be destroyed, you'll be carried from your home and burned alive on a fiery jumble of popsicle sticks.

    Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your adolescent behavior? I know America isn't.

    hy katy
    this is kitten from the other times. i have a q. wat do i do if i have a ? bout sex i wanna no. i no i can ask u but i wanna talk 2 my mommy bout it. wat do i say. hehe.
    luv,
    kitten

    Hi kitten,

    I think it's a very mature and respectable decision that you would choose to speak to your mother about your sex questions. I've only had one mother (that I'm keenly aware of) so I have to go off my personal experience with talking to her about sex and that is, don't.

    But, I really want this to work for you, so I'll give you some tips:

  • Begin your conversation with "Mom, I'm not pregnant.": This tactic works best if you're not pregnant. Despite my refusal to talk to my mother about my sexual habits, whenever I was sad or angry or distant, I would get the good ol' are you pregnant? question thrown at me. If it's not true, then rule it out and save your mom's nerves.

  • Follow up your admission of an empty womb with some empathy: While she's looking at you in horror for beginning a conversation with "I'm not pregnant," quickly follow up by telling her this conversation isn't easy for you, and you're sure it isn't easy for her, but you want a close relationship with her and trust her above anyone else. (This will cause her to tear up at your love and understanding while momentarily distracting her from what you're about to lay down).

  • Know the question(s) you want to ask: It would be pretty awkward if after all this you're left staring at one another in silence. Once your mom recovers from your previous offerings of love, her mind will start racing, wondering what you're bringing to the conversation.

  • Ask broad questions: Rather than using a direct example or asking your mom how often she does your dad, try to keep it conversational, educational, and general enough that you get your answer, but don't add tension to the room by being crude. General question example: "what does it mean to get plowed?"

  • Mention your friends: By bringing up a broad situation with a friend or something like "I heard some kids in the hall talking about getting plowed" it reminds your mother that you are just at that age where these things are becoming more prevalent, and sets her mind at ease that her daughter isn't a big slut-bag freak.

  • Thank your mother: Once the silence in the room is so overbearing from all this plow talk, you should probably wrap it up. Thank your mother for listening, for offering her support and guidance, and remind her you're not pregnant. This will make her feel better for three minutes until the terror of her child having sex really sinks in. Don't worry; by that point you'll be comfortably seated at your computer, browsing ChatRoulette.


    • Best luck as always, kitten.

    Hi Katy,
    Will you marry me?
    -Proposin' Pat

    Hi Pat,

    Regretfully, no.

    I will marry you when Penny has the freedom, security, and backing of our country to marry her popsicles.

    KTz Preview Reviewz

    By Katy 



    I'M BACK edition. Who's excited? We all are, of course, but let us not waste time with simple pleasantries and moderate worship. We have movies to review and you have trailers to watch. WATCH THEM NOW.

  • The Back-Up Plan (Rated PG-13 for Jennifer Lopez' fiiiiiiiine back side).




    • My Take: What is a girl to do? You know, I've been in this situation at least three times. I can empathize with the main character, because I've also spent my whole life looking for prince charming and wound up pregnant instead. There is no way I'm going to see this movie, because it reeks of real life. The only Jennifer Lopez movie I have ever enjoyed (or seen) is Selena, and it's unlikely this Latina hottie can deliver that kind of cinematic presence again without playing a character already beloved by millions. Boo hiss this stupid movie.

  • The Losers (Rated PG-13 for epic comic book violence)




    • My Take: Apparently, this movie is meant to be an updated version of Vertigo's comic series The Losers. From what I can tell from one thread on one message board, fans of the comic are not entirely thrilled that the movie leaves behind the WWII setting. However, I never read the comics, so I'm perfectly happy with the general synopsis of this film. Unlike The Back-Up Plan, I can relate to this movie on a more emotionally healing level. The Losers were cast out for knowing too much, similar to how I was cast out of my job as a glorified peon. Then the company sent the CIA in to kill me and dispose of my corpse. I hope to see it in the next few days and hope that The Losers ends up being as awesome as Clash of the Titans was disappointing. I'm sorry if anyone went to see that movie because of me. I'm also proud to be one of the few that doesn't have a hard-on for Liam Neeson.