By Bub
A disparate group gathered for this year's Alpaca Killers Convention. Men and children alike are here to share in the experience only known to those that have committed a deed so heinous that they have been branded forever - alpaca killers. We are here to ask these wayward souls one question; Why'd you do it?
Why'd you do it?
Well, it was so long ago. I was only 10. My best friend and I were always looking for new ways to cause mischief, and that day we had gotten our hands on some of his dad's machete's. His dad was kind of crazy and kept a box full of them in the garage, said it was for what he called 'the Chinese Invasion'. Anyway, we took a stroll out to the country and were hackin' at things, inanimate mostly - tree branches, cattails; the plant you know, didn't see any live cats or else, well you know... uh, fence posts, mail-boxes... my friend and I took turns tossing littered soda cans at each other and tryin' to bust 'em up in the air, usually just had to hack em while they were on the ground.
So we had been at this for most of the afternoon and we saw in this field a lone alpaca. I thought it was some kind of giraffe, I wasn't too bright at the age of 10. But my friend knew what it was and said that the animal's hair was worth more ounce for ounce than gold. I never had any use for gold myself at the age of 10 and certainly couldn't think of any use for some retarded-type giraffe's hair, but my friend was pretty enthused so I went along with him.
Honestly, we didn't mean to cause any harm, but things went bad pretty quick. The animal wasn't easy to wrangle contrary to popular belief, so after a few failed attempts to catch him, my friend and I came up with an idea. Not a good one mind you, but I was 10 at the time and, like I said, I wasn't too bright. He was to get on one side of the animal and chase it toward me and I was in charge of cuttin' off the hair as the thing ran by.
First run at it, my friend started at the thing, the alpaca was running right toward me. I got scared, squeezed my eyes shut and took a wild swing. Cut the thing's head clear off... My friend kept squeelin' with glee 'You fuckin' killer, you're crazy!'
I didn't mean to, though, and I sat down in the field and cried. My friend took a few hacks at the alpaca's body, called me a 'pussy' and went home. My parents found me there a few hours later.
Ever since, I haven't been able to get a hair cut or eat a turkey. I can't explain that last one...
Why'd you do it?
Well I'm a butcher by trade, and I got a good deal on one. Heard it tastes like veal. Tasted gamey to me, but I'd eat it again. My wife made a baby blanket out of the fur. She made a blanket for the baby we'll never have (sigh) ... (distant, teary-eyed look) ... (claps face in hands and begins to sob) ....
Why'd you do it?
Fuckin' thing. My dog had just died. And I was walking home one day and walked past this field and this animal came up to the fence. It just started lookin' at me with these big sad eyes and it made me think of my dog. I was real close to my dog, but I didn't want to like cry about him, like I was gay for my dog or something. Then that thing licked me and I snapped. I punched it right between those big beautiful doe eyes, it fell down and never got up. Damn that was a pretty animal... I'm sorry, that sounded gay, didn't it?
Why'd you do it?
I have to be honest, I did it for the money. That alpaca was a marked man. I didn't ask any questions. I don't really have any answers. I just do my job. And I do it well.
Why'd you do it?
It was either him or me.
Why'd you do it?
For the fame.
Why'd you do it?
Why does anybody do anything? For the fame.
Why'd you do it?
I did it cuz I thought everyone else was doing it. Turns out I was just hallucinating and they put me in jail...
Why'd you do it?
Why does anybody do anything? Because they're hallucinating and thinking everyone is murdering alpacas.
So there you have it folks. Equal parts hallucination, equal parts fame, and a dash of zoophilia to taste. Some were deeply traumatized, some are happier than ever. All are hardened alpaca killers. Next time you do something off the beaten path don't be surprised if you find us there asking, 'Why'd YOU do it?'
