Showing posts with label world cup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label world cup. Show all posts

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Do you remember Thundercats? In the off chance you don't operate in a world of paranoid nostalgia or fail to infantilize yourself, let me remind you: it was a cartoon! The person who created it was MURDERED in Florida. They arrested the guy who did it though. The only person who can legally commit murder in Florida is LeBron James.

Poor Mel Gibson has been dropped from William Morris, the Hollywood talent agency. This isn't because he lacks talent (though he does) but rather because of the incendiary voicemails he left for LeBron James or his ex-girlfriend, which are now available here. This guy can't catch a fucking break!

The girl Lindsay Lohan used to date has attacked Joan Rivers for attacking Lindsay Lohan with jokes. You can't be mad at Joan Rivers for making fun of someone - that is her raison d'etre. That's like me criticizing Lindsay Lohan for getting drunk or Mel Gibson for being a wooden actor.

The person that is married to Tori Spelling was in an accident and it has been hard on the kids. This man's name is Dean and he is one half of arguably the worst "reality" show on television. Watching the previews for it is the only thing worse than actually watching the show, as the producers/editors try to compile scenes of a sad, banal 22 minutes into 1.


The biggest story of the week was the capture and subsequent release of the Emmy nominations. The usual dramas did great - Dexter, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Skin, etc. - and the usual comedies also received some great nominations - The Office, 2.5 Men, One Day in April, 30 Rock. For some reason Lost was nominated for Best Drama despite this final season being the worst in the show's run. Additionally, Community was shut out and Parks and Rec was, some say, criminally under-nominated. The LA County Prosecutor will decide if actual criminal charges should be brought.

Finally, if I'm allowed to consider the World Cup as entertainment, the final is tomorrow. This will be the highest rated sporting event of the year, so you better make plans to watch it. The teams are both European, which appeals to the Eurocentric, racist society we affectionately call "America." Hopefully the score will be 2-2 and go into overtime and then penalty kicks. That would be the best football World Cup final ever! Whoever wins this game will have bragging rights for the next four years, just like President Obama.

Good Morning's Happen Everywhere!

By Kaleena 

I used to think the news was just too mundane and boring for this lively blog. However, after seeing the alternate spins that can be put on anything to make it hilarious, I've decided to try my hand at making the blunders of the world into humorous bloopers!




WOAH! Did anyone tell this bird blackface is NOT cool! It's for the birds! Oh....that's probably what he was told, come to think of it. I've never known a bird to be racist and I will be taking that to the bank!



HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Doesn't think just make all this crazy spy nonsense HILARIOUS! I mean really! This is what I always think of when I think of spies. Those old cartoony pelicans sticking dynamite into each others pants after they tricked the other into looking at a "sexy woman" pelican - which just ends up being a mop with a pretty hat! HAHAHAHAHA!!!



LOL x 1,000,000! OMG! Who the hell is still watching this!! LOL!! Seriously!? Oh wow.....I'm catching my breath. Phew! This is the greatest joke to happen in sports since - oh just watch 'Wide World of Sports' but I warn you - not EVEN close to as funny!


Oh man...my sides. I think I'm going to throw up from all the hilarity. Seriously though, soccer is awesome and birds are not racist. Visit your local library for more information on both!

Bub's Public Joke File - World Cup Edition



By Bub 

An old English lady was visiting Russia. She went to a market and asked a young man for help. He spoke English, but very broken. She asked where she could find some biscuits, and he thought for a moment and then he pointed at a fruit stand.

"No, no, biscuits, you see, BISCUITS." She made a motion demonstrating the dunking of a biscuit in tea.

"OH, BIScuit," said the man, and he pointed to a biscuiteer's stand.

"Thank you, and where would I find some tea?" She asked.

"Tea? There." The man said and pointed at the fruit stand again.

"No, TEA", the lady said and made the same motion emphasizing the cup this time.

"OH, TEA, sure," he said and pointed toward a tea stand.

"Oh thank you so much. You wouldn't happen to have the time would you?"

The man screwed up his face in confusion.

"Time, TIME!" she said pointing at her wrist.

"Really?" asked the puzzled man.

"Yes, do you have the TIME please?"

"OK," the man shrugged, looked at his watch, and then took out his gun and shot her dead.

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What's the deal with telephones? It's like I'm talking into one machine, and you're talking into the other one. Why don't I just say it to your face?

What's the difference between a Christian softball game, and a regular softball game? The players in the Christian game go to heaven.

SO what ELSE is going on?

There's a hole in the ocean with a bunch of oil coming out of it. And I'm NOT talking about The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Did anyone else hear about these kids that are starvin' in Africa? I heard they get raped too.

I asked my girlfriend to give me a golden parachute, and she gave me millions of dollars to retire with.

I can imagine masturbating, and I can imagine tying a belt around my neck, but I can't imagine listening to INXS.

I take that back, I can listen to INXS. Just not with my EARS! Zing!!

I'd listen to them with my heart.

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The farmer asked the cow, 'What's that up in the night sky?"

"Moo." The cow replied.

"Very good," said the farmer, "How about at Dairy Queen, what's that coffee treat you can get - blank latte?"

"Moo," the cow mooed.

"Excellent! Way to go Carla. Here, how about this one, "Who are the folks that eat Christian children and control the natural gas industry?"

"Moo..."

"That's right, Carla - the filthy Armenians."

One Week in Entertainment with Glenn

By Glenn 

This has been one of the most exciting weeks in entertainment, if you count the World Cup as "entertainment." I know I was entertained - more entertained - by it than I was the newest happenings with Kendra or Bill Pullman. They were married to each other this week and Kendra will star as Vivica Fox's character in the remake of Independence Day coming out in summer 2011.

Mel Gibson and his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva are fighting over their baby daughter. I thought it was about custody but it turned out to be about whether to raise her as an anti-semite.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, of Saved by the Bell and NYPD Blue fame, is filing for divorce from his wife. I was shocked to find out the wife isn't Tiffany Amber Theissen! It's Lark Vorhees, daughter of Jason Vorhees.

Kendra, the only mentally retarded person to have her own show on E!, is celebrating her one year wedding anniversary. Her gift registry is available on Toys 'r' Us's website.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline both ended up in the same place for their son's preschool graduation. I think it's really sweet that they can put aside their differences for the sake of their young child. There's no joke to tell here.

Finally, and most interestingly, Landon Donovan the American soccer hero from this week's game against Algeria might be reconciling with his wife. It's too early to say if it's because of his winning goal and much too early to say if it will take another US victory for them to fully reconcile, but if you needed another reason you root for America, there it is. AMERICA PLEASE WIN THE WORLD CUP TODAY!

Good Morning World Cup

By Glenn 


Good morning. The absence of World Cup discussion on OYIT echoes as loudly as the vuvuzelas that ruin the televised matches for anyone outside South Africa. The World Cup of soccer is a huge deal and should be treated as such. I haven't watched a full soccer game since Alexi Lalas retired, but I'm very excited about my country's chances to advance further into the tournament and ultimately win as a way to exorcise the eight years of George Bush's presidency.

[I dedicate this post to the members of the North Korean soccer team, who were killed by their government after yesterday's 0-7 loss to Portugal.]


Today's Weather
Don't take this seditiously, but in Johannesburg and all of the Southern Hemisphere it is right now winter. Given all the melted butter on my counter and sweat-soaked ironic t-shirts it's hard for me to believe it can be anything other than scorching hot on this planet, but the forecast for today's games is beautiful. There will be a high of 60 degrees and sunny, with a slight chance of apartheid. To put it into comparison, there is a 90% chance of apartheid in the Gaza Strip, which is down from last week. Anyone trying to kick a ball down the field should not have the weather to use as an excuse, unless you count the sound of vuvuzelas as weather.


Today's Local Custom

I know it is racist and neo-imperialistic to not want a horn blow into your ear, or millions of horns blown in a stadium where your friends are trying to defeat Slovenia. That is why I am here to celebrate the vuvuzela as the only authentic way people can show their appreciation of ANYTHING. It's great to use it at soccer games - and only adds to the game by its nature of subtracting everything else from it - but why stop there? Baseball games, Ben Folds concerts, funerals, et cetera are all things that would be made better with a triumphant course of vuvuzelas. I am actually playing one while I write this so I hope you can find thousands of people to "play" them as you read.


Today's Games
There are four matches happening in the World Cup today. I would like to predict the winners, even though I usually do my predictions at the end.


Mexico vs. Uruguay
France vs. South Africa
Nigeria vs. South Korea
Greece vs. Argentina

Winner: Mexico
Winner: South Africa
Winner: Nigeria
Winner: Argentia

There is not much logic into these predictions besides vague ideas about good national "football" programs and the belief that if Greece cannot remain solvent it cannot field a winning soccer team. South Africa has home advantage and that should be enough to defeat the lethargic French. Don't fuck with Nigeria. These games will all be on ESPN or ESPN2, but we're all just killing time until the United States takes on Algeria tomorrow. If they win, they are into the next round and if they lose they will leave humiliated, like the French who tried to occupy Algeria decades ago. Let's show them that as Americans, we always learn from the French's mistakes.


Today's Predictions
The United States will defeat Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Angola, Cuba, Lebanon, Iraq, Somalia, the former Yugoslavia and Iraq in football matches this year, rendering previous defeats/statements/quick retreats against/in those countries null and void. If only military efforts could be as simple as World Cup soccer games. Blow a few thousand vuvuzelas, say that you're going to let the opposing team arm and defend itself, and presto! You've won. I predict the US will win its match against Algeria and US fans will celebrate by feeling more paralysis about the Gulf oil spill. If we end up winning the World Cup, it'll become like all of those fake Holy Grails in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: killing you if you drink it but a great way to scoop oil out of our oceans.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIV]

By Katy



Hi Katy,
I just became a vegetarian and all I eat is riblets. I used to eat at Subway all the time and listen to Blind Melon as I chewed delicious sandwiches. Now all I do is eat riblets and iron my shirts. Can you share with me some recipes or point me in the right directions of being healthy?
-Ryan Riblet

Hi Ryan,

Becoming a vegetarian shouldn't greatly effect your enjoyment of Blind Melon whilst chewing delicious sandwiches. I happen to be a very big fan of colby jack cheese sandiwches with some romaine, onion, and a touch of yellow mustard or pesto spread. Perhaps some sprouts now and again. Toss in a little pepper jack to spice things up. And Subway already has you covered... they have a vegetarian sandwich they'll charge you $4 for despite being able to make the very same thing at home twenty times over for $4. But they roast it and stuff.

I don't really believe in sharing recipes.

A.) My recipe box is in my head, right where it belongs so no one eats delicious Katy food but this gal.

B.) Sharing recipes takes me back to a time when women stood around the kitchen baking, barefoot and pregnant, until their husbands came home to cram that food down their faces without even tasting the hard work and spam that went into it, farted, then went outside to drink whiskey with "the boys" and complain about President Eisenhower while the women stayed behind, in their kitchens, picking up the shattered remains of their happiness, diginity, and favorite China serving dish. I realize you're probably too young to remember these times, but trust me, they weren't pretty.

If you want to be healthy you're going to have to show inititive. I'm here for counsel and advice, but I can't drag you the gym and make you do twenty minutes of solid eliptical work. I just don't have the time.


Hi Katy,
My TV is broken. I don't nkow if it's worth getting fixed, or if people even fix TVs anymore. Maybe that was something from the 50s when TVs cost $400 and $400 was worth $45,000. Anyway, how am I supopse to watch my stories if I don't have a TV? What are some good TVs? Should I get a flat one or do they even make the flat ones anymore? I'm no TV technician, which is why I'm writing this question to you in the first place. Save me Katy!
-Tammy (not a) TV Technician

Hi Tammy,

I don't know anything about TVs. I only use mine to play video games once every four months. You know where you can get a TV? My apartment. I'm getting a projector soon and will no longer have any need for the twenty year old TVs I have piling up in my place. If you want my advice, you'll get a projector, and here's why.

TVs are stupid. I mean, they can be great and all, but they're getting more and more difficult to repair. There are plenty of people out there that still repair TVs, it's just now they look at them, shrug, charge you $557.43 and return to their Xbox 360s in their lavished condos.

Therefore, great places to get TVs include:

  • My apartment
  • Goodwill
  • Other consignment shops/buildings
  • Your neighbor's garage
  • A hotel room (this will only work if your credit card/ID is not the one on file)
  • Your mother's basement (Please also see: Corner Pawn Store/Crack House Consignment).
  • Elementary schools (after dark)



Really, if you don't want to spend the money on a new TV, your best option is to make some friends at the local nursing home. Learn to play gin and start visiting some old people; they'll be watchin' some stories. Enjoy your new found old person small.

Hi Katy,
How are you doing today? It seems like everybody is talking about World Cup Soccer this and Stanley Cup that. When are people going to learn that sports are nothing but unhealthy competition that tears the world apart into various sports teams? I wish we could just come together and hug. I would hug you Katy, because you give great advice and you're probably cuddly. Anyway, while I don't agree with sports, I'm firmly behind gambling. Do you have any hot picks for the World Cup or should I just ask some Mexican or African dude who they think will win? They'll probably go with Mexico or Africa, but what if they were right?
-Soccer Samuel

Hi Samuel,

They're most likely to be right. I can see your grievance with the whole country (and world) being preoccupied with various sporting teams and such, but I think you should also realize that a lot of your point-of-view is strictly from being an American. Yes, I know that the Irish and English and Hispanics and Canadians can go nuts over their respective teams and sporting country pride, but American's lives revolve around sports. We find our worth in how many times Brett Farve can come out of retirement. Now that's clearly stupid.

But the World Cup? The World Cup is a wonderful time of year when everyone can get together. WheN Americans can pretend they actually give a shit about soccer and all of a sudden friends who have mocked my soccer love for years are taking time off work to watch 'the' game at the Londerer. Assholes. If there's any sport that can take the delicate balance of sports team pride and toss it all together with the love we have for our fellow brothers and sisters in other countries and then yellow card it, it's soccer.

Was that the point? What was the point.... well I'm certainly cuddly, that's for true. Umm... I feel like this was suppose to go somewhere but I just really don't know where. Oh, oh, right. Ask a Brazilian, African, and an Iranian who's going to win the World Cup -- gamble on whatever best out of 3 is. Good luck.

Good Morning World Cup

By Keelin 



Good morning. Or as a Mexican soccer announcer might say, "Goooooooooooooooooooooood morning!" You may have heard by now that the World Cup, the premiere tournament of non-American "football," is under way in South Africa. In addition to the thrilling competition, this event offers the rest of the world an occasion to agree on something besides hating us. Here in the USA we feign polite interest in this sport for about a week and then resume caring only for our traditional ball-centric sports for another four years. It's truly multilateralism at its finest.

Today's Weather



According to the internet, it's either a brisk or balmy 9 degrees in sunny Johannesburg today. Being an American, I am constitutionally barred from understanding centigrade temperatures, so you'll have to guess whether 9 degrees is warm or cold. On the one hand, it's the southern hemisphere. On the other, it's their winter. Who can tell? Isn't this fun!

Today's Soccer Term



Whenever I go to England, I am always pleasantly surprised to see they have their very own celebrities, getting drunk and not wearing underwear with those charming accents they all have! Anyway, some of the most famous women in the UK are the "WAGs," which is an acronym for wives and girlfriends of professional soccer players. As far as I can tell, the sole responsibilities of these women are to pose for pictures while shopping and to look distraught when the seedy British tabloids catch their husbands with strippers. These women have the courage of Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman and Nikki Haley all rolled into one.

Today's Soccer Prediction



Although Brazil and Spain are favored to win the World Cup, the scrappy team from Lithuania will have a Cinderella ride to the championship. Initially dismissed because they play in acid-wash jeans from the '80s and smoke unfiltered cigarettes during penalty kicks, these resourceful eastern Europeans will outwit their opponents with a little heart, a little pride, and a little help from their nation's vast network of organized crime.