Showing posts with label North Dakota. Show all posts
Showing posts with label North Dakota. Show all posts

Good Morning Red River Valley

By Glenn 

Good morning. I've really missed talking to all of you. It feels like it's been days (two, to be exact) since I've wished you a good morning and dropped some rudimentary prose about my time in California. I've actually done a lot of traveling in the past month and wish I could have shared more but I've had trouble composing my thoughts lately. At my sister's house we have a housekeeper who does things for me I would usually do myself: doing the dishes, making my bed and pardoning Marc Rich. I've asked her to write some articles on my behalf, but the language barrier has made it more difficult than it was to get my nephew to write my article on Monday. I hope to regale you with stories of New York, Chicago, and Pomona soon.

[In fact, I am going to fucking mention Pomona today.]


Today's Weather
Yeah, it's still hot here. That's not what's important right now.

Right now the people I love in North Dakota are in danger because the Red River, evil liquefied, plans to flood major civilian areas and convert those who survive to Satanism. This is a major weather related story that hits close to home because I'm not there and I should be. I never should have left and this is the proof. If you can fill a virtual sandbag please click here to volunteer if you're local to the area. If not, there are emergency numbers provided that you can call repeatedly just to "check in" and "make sure everything's okay."


Today's New Shirts
To go from a topic of life and death importance to one of life or death FASHION importance, there is the issue of my new shirts. When I visited Pomona, California recently to purchase a ticket to the Coachella music festival, there was an amazing vintage store that called out for me to come in. (Not literally of course because I'm not hearing voices now that I live this close to the ocean.) Once inside I realized many of the clothes were even older than me! After glancing at some "Western" style shirts for a few minutes, the suave, Latin store owner asked me what size I was. "Medium," I replied bashfully. So he grabbed several shirts from beyond the counter and gave them to me. There was no dressing room so I just went to the corner to try several of the shirts on. Here is what I walked away with:

Will these shirts be enough for me to fit into the Southern California post-punk scene? Only time, and you in the comments, will tell.


Today in History
Something we forget about March 18th is that it is the anniversary of something good happening to a very famous person. It was 1,973 years ago today that Caligula became Emperor of Rome!

For our younger readers who may not remember, Rome was the similarly located yet less corrupt version of today's Vatican City. Caligula was the one who really turned things around there. Before him, horses were treated as second class citizens and couldn't even vote. But during his reign not only could they vote but some special ones were even appointed to the Senate! I know you might be thinking "Hey, a horse is even dumber than Jim Bunning!" That's not fair, though. Bunning isn't stupid - he just has severe, debilitating mental illness that in any place besides Kentucky would have made him unfit to serve years ago. Certain historians rate Caligula very negatively based on their own biases against incest and murder. If you want to get the truth about Caligula you'll have to google "Caligula unrated." Whatever videos come up should showcase some interesting facts about Roman history - something the whole family can enjoy!


Today's Prediction
Families all along the Red River Valley will google "Caligula unrated" while bored and waiting for the flood to destroy their local sense of community. The results will be mixed, but ultimately will make the brightly colored shirt I displayed above seem tame in comparison. While doing the genealogy of that vintage shirt I will find out it was once worn by a great great great grandfather of Jim Bunning, who happened to be a horse.

Debate: Will Glenn Die in the North Dakota Blizzard?

By Jake and Glenn 

When Americans woke up on on January 25th, 2010, they turned to the sky expecting to see god. Instead they saw what could only be described as a wintry apocalypse. Upon many parts of the country - most importantly North Dakota - gusts of 50 miles per hour wind has turned this winter wonderland into the nightmare foretold in Revelations. Snow flew through the air like an errant pass from disgraced Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. Babies were born of jackals. The lake of fire froze and some entrepreneurial young North Dakotans set up an ice fishing hut on it. Absolutely no travel was advised in open areas and the Interstate was closed between Grand Forks and Canada, leaving those who were finally ready to make good on evacuation promises after last Tuesday's election in Massachusetts stuck in a country they no longer recognize. Can Glenn survive this blizzard to end all blizzards - or will it finish the job Richard Jewell started at the 1996 Olympics and end his life?

Jake: Glenn, I have some bad news for you: you're going to die. This blizzard is not going to let up, and soon your frostbitten corpse will be buried in a virgin white, icy tomb. A North Dakota winter is a lot like a nuclear winter. Although the build-up is far less tense, the aftermath is the same-- everybody is dead and the area is unlivable for over 30 years. I would guess that this is the only time Glenn has wished he was living in Utah, besides that time he was in love with two women. I sincerely hope that I'm wrong. I do not want Glenn to die, but I have already come to terms with his inevitable passing. RIP Glenn.

Glenn: Whoa whoa WHOA! The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. I admit that if there was ever a time to die from a blizzard, this is it. I also admit that I rarely want to live in Utah. But this storm is not going to kill me. The wind gusts have been tracked in rural ND at 65 mph but here in the urban centers, it's a harsh but livable 50 mph. 50 miles an hour winds don't kill anyone, though. Think about it - you actually drive faster than that on a highway! And no one dies on those. I am wearing snow boots, gloves, a sweatshirt and a big old brown coat. I think I am well enough protected.

Jake: A big brown coat is hardly going to protect you from the country highway-like speeds of the piercing winds. You're not even wearing a winter hat! You might as well slip the noose around your neck, because you're in for one painful, head freezing death. When you cross the street on your way home (because your car is in the shop) your feet will most likely freeze to the pavement, leaving your vulnerable to speeding cars. If the coldest temperatures in recorded history don't get you, then surely a Prius will.

Glenn: Priuses are actually illegal in North Dakota, so I'm not concerned about that. And you've inadvertently lead me onto the best reason I will not die this blizzard: I live across the street from where I work. I only have to go 50 feet (or 500 kilometers, for our more worldly readers) from one door to another. Sure I might have to walk to somewhere to get food, but there's a Subway within one block from me and a great co-op/restaurant called Amazing Grains within two blocks. With this little outside exposure, I don't see how this blizzard can feasibly kill me. Nicole Brown Simpson said the same thing about her ex-husband Orenthal but this is different. I've learned the lessons of that case and will not be trying to move on with my life from this blizzard to another weather system that will treat me better.

Jake: Your cocky "I can't feasibly die in a blizzard" attitude is exactly what's going to lead you to your subzero grave. You'll be headed toward Muffin But the Truth or Point of No Crouton ready for a muffin or a croutonless salad without a care in the world. You think you're untouchable. That's when the blizzard is the most dangerous. You might be one or two blocks away, but that blizzard is going to get you. It could be around any corner. It could be that man holding the briefcase crossing the street. It could be your father. The point I'm trying to drive home is that blizzard will get you, even if it has to dress up like a person or travel back in time to impregnate your mother. Just wear a hat when you go out.

Glenn: Blizzards are not people! Blizzards are complicated, murderous weather patterns that will destroy everyone in their path - except me. I walked to the aforementioned food co-op and from the wind my face was burning worse than the time everyone at high school found out I was gay. Snow was flying into my mouth, nose and eye sockets. But I survived! This blizzard will not last forever, so the key is waiting it out. While the blizzard picks up random children from the street and deposits them into Canadian territory (a fate arguably worse than death), I will remain hunkered down in either my apartment, office or 50s-era bomb shelter. I have cyanide tablets ready in case the blizzard rips the doors off its hinges and snow tries to force itself into the building and into my eye sockets again. So I'll kill myself before the blizzard has a chance!

Good Morning from North Dakota Part -33 with windchill

By Glenn 

Good morning. This article has been posted at 7:00am and if you're reading this in North Dakota, you're probably dead. Today, the forecasted high is -5. Right now the temperature is probably -35 with windchill. I say probably because once it goes below -30 all the thermometers break and the mercury spills out, giving everyone Autism.

Today's Weather

I already covered this. It's actually cold everywhere - even in Florida! Thankfully the race for Senate between Marco Rubio and Charlie Crist is hot enough to keep the citrus crop alive...for now.


Today's Sue Email
Hi Glenn,
Your father has found a new way to spend his time....Ebay.....I showed him some dishes my mother gave me when we got married,
and that if he ever saw them on the internet, to tell me......well, he went right to work, found them for sale on Ebay, and the rest, people say
is history......when all the dust settles, I will have a service for twelve......( I had 8 already......anyway, he's had fun and I'm happy with the
results........).......I had my yearly doctor's visit yesterday.....everything went well.......at least I think so.....will get my test results next week, I think.............your father had his eye exam today........we thought he might have to have a cataract taken care of, but the doctor said everything's
fine, and nothing has to be done yet.....
We went to see the Morgan movie this afternoon......even though you said it got one star, we liked it........

And yes, she's referring to the "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" film.


Today's Video


Someone sent this to me before Christmas and I'm not sure why I like it so much. This is a boy-girl band that does a lot of covers on Youtube, but also write their own music. I don't do either of those things and that's why that guy and his awesome beard are with her and on the internet while I'm just on the internet. Hopefully they have a google alert on themselves and will come here to curse at me for saying these relatively vague things about them. Their name is Pomplamoose.


Today's Prediction
People will be upset I talked about North Dakota, the weather and cutesy internet videos. Don't get too upset though - I have an article coming out later today in honor of OYIT Anniversary Week that should blow your sock off! And if it doesn't do that, I'll blow a hole in the back of my fucking head by falling victim to Jigsaw's shotgun trap in one of the Saw movies. My other prediction is that Did You Hear About the Morgans? wins Best Picture and my mother presents the award.