Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts

One Year in Texas' Person of the Year 2014: Taylor Swift

By Jake

Every year One Year in Texas chooses one person who made the biggest impact in the calendar year via secret ballot. This year we chose Taylor Swift from a long list of people who outperformed all others. Congratulations, Taylor. You deserve the honor.



I went through a lot of personal strifes and triumphs in the year of our lord 2014. From my wife leaving me to take up wind-surfing, to performing stand-up comedy in front of Pauly Shore, this has been a year of true ups and downs. Thanks to a beautiful young songstress known to the world as Taylor (Ms. Swift if you're nasty, but I am not), I learned how to deal with all of the negativity in my life. She told me to "Shake it Off," and when a young millionaire tells you to do something you are all ears, figuratively.

There has not been a singer as charming as Taylor Swift since Lou Diamond Phillips took the role as Ritchie Valens in the feature film "La Bamba." Taylor Swift oozes a delightful awkward confidence that many performers can relate to. I can relate to it, but I am a worse dancer than Taylor, but I believe that I am a better stand-up comedienne than she. Time will tell on that one, though.

Her album 1989 came out like lightning out of Thor's hammer. Or lightning out of Emperor Palpatine's fingers. Or lightning out of the clouds. The point is this: her album is like lightning. Every song is an electrifying bolt emanating from the boombox which holds the cassette I copied from the Target Deluxe CD release of her album.



While "Shake it Off" is the best song ever recorded, it is also the second worst song on the album–the first being "Bad Blood." This is known as the Taylor Swift Paradox. It is a term I invented and will surely be used in academia in the years coming.

Let's not even mention how I cry while listening to "This Love." Please, nobody mention this.

Taylor, this is for you. You are a marvel of the modern world and you deserve this honor like I deserved to have my wife leave me. We all get what we deserve.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Kanye West Writes Taylor Swift a Song
Yes, Kayne West is trying to atone for the unspeakable crime he committed against teenager Taylor Swift at the MTV Awards Show. A song is almost literally the least he can do considering the grievous wrong committed almost one year ago. What Kayne West did to Taylor Swift was worse than rape, torture or murder. It was humiliation, in front of the entire MTV-viewing world. A song is a good first step, but killing himself is the only way to truly atone.

Romeo Beckham Celebrates 8th Birthday Lakers-Style
This is the son of Victoria and David (who has a god-awful tat sleeve, by the way) Beckham. He turned eight so in response his parents through him a birthday party with Los Angeles Lakers colors and lazer tag. David Beckham raped someone like Kobe Bryant and Victoria Beckham just sat in the front row wearing sunglasses. This reminded me a lot of my 8th birthday party and my 28th birthday party later this year.

Nicole Richie Owns Up to Past Mistakes (and Bad Tattoos)
I assume the mistakes are her kids, but I'm more interested in the tattoo. She got the word "virgin" tattooed on her wrist at age 16. Where were her parents? Did they give approval? She regrets it now, which shocked me when I read it because most tattoos you get at 16 will be as cool for the rest of your life as they were the day someone drew them on you in permanent ink. Nicole, you are one of a kind.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck Enjoy Playtime with the Kids
Two Hollywood stars have kids and they play with them.

Six Most Memorable Moments of (the Original) Beverly Hills, 90210
Earlier this week the date was 9.02.10. If you look closely and remove the periods you'll notice this is a five digit number that could also be a zip code. This zip code was included in the title of a popular TV show in the 1990s - MY ERA. I remember watching Beverly Hills 90210 every Thursday night to see what real teenagers just like me would be doing. They did things like have sex and shoot themselves with their father's guns. I do not have nostalgia for a mediocre show such as this one.

Zac Efron will rather stay his girlfriend than go out partying‏
Isn't that a sentiment most of us can share? Zac is dating Vanessa Hudgens, who was also in the High School Musical film series with him. I have no interest in those movies, but did catch Zac starring in 17 Again this week and it was a surprisingly good film. He has a lot of charisma. I'm not sure in the movie whether he was acting in it or they put Matthew Perry's brain in his body, but either way I am in favor of Zac Efron now. So I'm glad he's staying home with his girlfriend where he can truly be happy.

Graduation School

By Kanye
Listen, my mother died from plastic surgery recently.

I am sorry if I have transferred the hurt that I feel from this abomination to another abomination such as gay people or the country music hack Taylor Swift winning any sort of recognition, especially over an actually talented performer such as Beyonce.

But I already digress, this is an apology and I am apologizing wholly. If I can help Taylor Swift, like with a kleenex, or if I can help other young artists with talent cultivate and record their work in order to prevent any future Taylor Swifts I am making myself available.

I am available to you Taylor Swift and your mom Mrs. Swift. I don't have a mom any more no matter what Jay Leno says, she is never coming back. This is something Beyonce appreciates at a very personal level and something you people, the Swifts, will never have to experience - the loss of a loved one at the expense of personal vanity. It is the hardest type of loss to take as a person of unbridled vanity.

It made me face my own mortality which is something I ardently ignore, like the fact that other people exist in the world and have opinions that are contrary to mine and also valid (author's note in this case they are not). While it is the case that George Bush don't care about black people, neither do I really, if they don't love Beyonce's video about single ladies.

I was once a single lady and know hardships that George Bush could never comprehend. I had to shake my booty in front of a green screen wearing only a skin tight, legless jumpsuit. And that was just for E-Harmoney registration...

But seriously folks vacuous country music has stolen the heart of America and has deteriorated our democracy by way of serving as rallying cry for (actual) neo-fascist Glenn Beck and the call to the response of Joe Wilson. And it has done so in innocuous couplets that herald pious Sunday mornings, alcohol abuse, and physical violence against 'detractors'. So even though I am apologizing for this shit... Taylor Swift? WTF VMA>???