Showing posts with label One Week Entertainment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Week Entertainment. Show all posts

One Week in Entertainment with Glenn

By Glenn

It's been about two years since I last stood behind the high powered rifle of the weekly entertainment column.  Like any mentally unstable person who is free to buy guns in the United States, I will now proceed to take aim at many popular figures and institutions of the entertainment industry.  Please sit back, enjoy and be sure not to lobby Congress for sensible gun laws.

Tabloid Trash

ROSIE ON HER HEART ATTACK: I ALMOST DIED - AND THAT'S A FACT
Rosie O'Donnell, former host of a hit talk show where she pretend to be heterosexually attracted to pretend heterosexual Tom Cruise, had a heart attack and claims her almost dying is a "fact."  Rosie, I have five boys - I'm used to people trying to tell me something's true when it isn't.  You had a heart attack but you were never close to dying because while the good die young, evil is immortal.  I've been practicing that zinger for months.


DARRYL HANNAH ARRESTED PROTESTING KEYSTONE XL PIPELINE IN TEXAS

I actually got arrested the same day as Darryl Hannah last year, protesting the Keystone XL Pipeline in front of the rebuilt White House.  She was arrested again this week, and kudos to her for putting her dwindling celebrity status to good use instead of the usual self-debasement on terrible contest show.  She should be celebrated for this and for her starring role in the remake of Splash due out in 2013.  I can't find a picture of her the day but I found this one online - that is definitely the same motherfucker who put a zip tie on my beautiful thin wrists.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? SBTB'S LARK VOORHIES
People magazine did a photo shoot recently featuring five of the seven original SBTB cast members (Dustin Diamond choose not to participate and Dennis Haskins had a list of several marriage proposal calls to make that afternoon).  They did a "where are they now?" piece and Lark Voorhies's creator/mother said that Lark has bipolar disorder.  Lark denied it but later admitted it was true.  Then denied it again later.

Books

NEW BOOK: 'IN SUNLIGHT AND IN SHADOW' BY MARK HELPRIN
Mark Halperin, famous political hack and "journalist" currently employed by Time Magazine, has a new book.  Hopefully it is as insider and superficial as his last novel "Gamechange."

#2 ON THE BEST SELLER LIST: WAGING PEACE BY NEIL YOUNG
Everyone's favorite Manitoban has written a book about having a son with developmental disabilities and what it was like to predict Barack Obama's ascendancy in 2005.  Young said he wrote the book because he needs more money, which also explains why he wanted regular, hard working, white Americans to pay $18.99 for a CD full of old timey songs earlier this year.

Movies

TAKEN 2 - As someone said, the novelty of seeing Liam Neeson in action movies has worn off.  In this sequel, more things are taken from him.


PITCH PERFECT - Cute as a button Anna Kendrick stars in what looks to be an atrocious movie about singing with not a single full frontal shot of nudity.  For what it's worth (not much), she is actually pretty funny on Twitter compared to what I thought she'd be like.  You can follow her here.

THE HOUSE I LIVE IN - from awesome director Eugene Jarecki, who also did the fantastic but maybe a bit long Why We Fight, comes a new film about the drug war.  Jarecki tackles the issue by telling the stories of everyone from prison guards to recreational users.  By the end if  you will agree that we need to escalate the drug war even if it comes at the cost of destroying our own society.

Matthew Perry Watch

While I like Matthew Perry, I do not think he is the "greatest actor and greatest human being of all time" to quote OYIT's Jake.  I watched the pilot of his new goon show and didn't like it, though subsequent episodes have been better.  It is better than the awful Mr. Sunshine that fortunately died an early death like Monica and Chandler's stillborn child on Friends.

This week MP revealed he was an Oakland Athletics fans on Twitter:



Thank you for reading and I may or may not be back next week.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Kanye West Writes Taylor Swift a Song
Yes, Kayne West is trying to atone for the unspeakable crime he committed against teenager Taylor Swift at the MTV Awards Show. A song is almost literally the least he can do considering the grievous wrong committed almost one year ago. What Kayne West did to Taylor Swift was worse than rape, torture or murder. It was humiliation, in front of the entire MTV-viewing world. A song is a good first step, but killing himself is the only way to truly atone.

Romeo Beckham Celebrates 8th Birthday Lakers-Style
This is the son of Victoria and David (who has a god-awful tat sleeve, by the way) Beckham. He turned eight so in response his parents through him a birthday party with Los Angeles Lakers colors and lazer tag. David Beckham raped someone like Kobe Bryant and Victoria Beckham just sat in the front row wearing sunglasses. This reminded me a lot of my 8th birthday party and my 28th birthday party later this year.

Nicole Richie Owns Up to Past Mistakes (and Bad Tattoos)
I assume the mistakes are her kids, but I'm more interested in the tattoo. She got the word "virgin" tattooed on her wrist at age 16. Where were her parents? Did they give approval? She regrets it now, which shocked me when I read it because most tattoos you get at 16 will be as cool for the rest of your life as they were the day someone drew them on you in permanent ink. Nicole, you are one of a kind.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck Enjoy Playtime with the Kids
Two Hollywood stars have kids and they play with them.

Six Most Memorable Moments of (the Original) Beverly Hills, 90210
Earlier this week the date was 9.02.10. If you look closely and remove the periods you'll notice this is a five digit number that could also be a zip code. This zip code was included in the title of a popular TV show in the 1990s - MY ERA. I remember watching Beverly Hills 90210 every Thursday night to see what real teenagers just like me would be doing. They did things like have sex and shoot themselves with their father's guns. I do not have nostalgia for a mediocre show such as this one.

Zac Efron will rather stay his girlfriend than go out partying‏
Isn't that a sentiment most of us can share? Zac is dating Vanessa Hudgens, who was also in the High School Musical film series with him. I have no interest in those movies, but did catch Zac starring in 17 Again this week and it was a surprisingly good film. He has a lot of charisma. I'm not sure in the movie whether he was acting in it or they put Matthew Perry's brain in his body, but either way I am in favor of Zac Efron now. So I'm glad he's staying home with his girlfriend where he can truly be happy.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

I don't follow entertainment news as much as I used to. For some reason Charlie Rose insists on interviewing important political figures. I believe Heidi Montag has even been blacklisted from his show for her controversial views on the Uyghur nationalism movement.

Speaking of persecution,
Paris Hilton Arrested for Cocaine Possession
Is there no justice in the world now? Doing cocaine is perfectly legal in the United States, but Paris Hilton has been arrested because she is famous and beautiful. Between this and the time she was questioned at the World Cup for "smoking marijuana" (another victimless crime), the misguided war on drugs is ruining the lives of our young people. Paris is 29.

Zoe Saldana Gets Even More Intimate for Calvin Klein Underwear
Don't ask me who Zoe Saldana is or how a Calvin Klein underwear video advertisement can be construed as intimacy. I just like that all Calvin Klein is only using Van Morrison music in the company's advertisements now. It captures the right mood - sexual, horn-based and for older people. Zoe Saldana probably downloaded all of VM's music when she got a job as a professional clothes model for CK.

Costar Dishes on Steamy Sex Scene with George Clooney
Violante Placido has a very graphic sex scene with George Clooney in the new children's film The American. Full details are not known, but People.com reports there are elements of scatalogy and sadism reminiscent of Caligua's reign. She was really excited to have sex with him though because there is full penetration and he's a handsome, rich celebrity. In the movie he plays an American.

Usher on His Marriage: I Don't Regret Anything

Usher, the rapper and professional wedding usher, admitted from his jail cell that he didn't regret killing his ex-wife and her friend. He said that he loved her while they were married, but "we're two different people. And we have two different goals. It just was never going to work out 100 percent." So he murdered her.



Scott Baio is a right-wing idiot!
You might have heard this story or missed it when you went one week without checking Huffington Post, Gawker and other internet tabloids. Scott Baio did his taxes this year (on what income? -ed.) and then complained about paying them, making him as insightful as my own father. He subsequently sent out a picture of Michelle Obama looking like the shrill black woman she is and then said he wasn't racist because his wife's best friend is black. The whole episode convinced many people to start hating Italians.

Another right-wing celebrity
Janine Turner, the actress best known for her role on the television series “Northern Exposure, appeared at a tea party rally or something like it. She said, “they don’t want our children to know about their rights. They don’t want our children to know about a God!” Now, Janine Turner does not have the star power of an accomplished actor like Jon Voight or an overrated bore like Kelsey Grammar but hell if she hasn't put her money where her mouth is. She runs this site called Constituting America, which pretends to be about our "founding" (?) but is really just an excuse to spout right-wing bullshit. Let's hope Usher calls Janine Turner too.

See you next week!

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

This was a slow week in entertainment. Although the new Arcade Fire album was released and that man from the airplane yelled at people and then left, no one was killed. The only people who died were in politics, which is a separate entity from entertainment. As a warning, I hope to start writing a little about books too. Not often or with any serious thought, but it's time to start catering to bibliophiles instead of just pedophiles.

KATY PERRY GETS 'HEARTS RACING' IN HER SKIN-TIGHT JEANS
Katy Perry is wearing jeans with holes in them. They are featured in her new video "Teenage Dream," the self-proclaimed, Thurston Moore-approved and David Bowie-approved sequel to Sonic Youth's "Teenage Riot" and Bowie's "Teenage Wildlife." These jeans are Diesel brand and in November you can get your own pair for $170. That's a real steal considering the cultural value of having the same pair of jeans as Katy Perry.

ELIZA DUSHKU AND RICK FOX LOVE LIVING TOGETHER
Living together is a very important step in a modern relationship. 500 years ago, you wouldn't move in together until you were married. These days even celebrities will live together, though it's made a lot more complicated by all of their money. They've been dating for almost a year, which seems like a solid time period to get to know a person before you live together. Eliza Dushku is 29 and Rick Fox is 41.

CHRISTINA RICCI DEBUTS NEW BROADWAY BOB
Right now is a season of change for actress Christina Ricci. She will be staring in her first Broadway play soon: Time Stands Still, a musical based on the Neil Young album Times Fades Away. Also she has a new haircut, a "bob," to indicate this life change. I like making multiple life changes at once too, so I understand why she did this. Plus her hair looks nice. She said she's getting extensions soon. Christina don't do it!

BUSTED: KRISTEN STEWART & ROBERT PATTINSON SNUGGLE IN MONTREAL
No one knows if KS and RP are actually dating or if it's all just method acting because they love each other in the Twilight films. They are silent about it, like most politicians regarding the Israeli occupation of Palestine, but now these are photos out of them snuggling. You only snuggle with people you love, or are dating. They were in Montreal to film a new movie and preside over the destruction of Olympic Stadium, where the Expos used to play.

EAT PRAY ZILCH
Even though there is a new movie out featuring Julia Roberts going on a spiritual journey and finding happiness, many people will never find happiness. In the New York Post this week, it is revealed that women like the Roberts' character have tried to seek out gurus and yogis and other new-age charlatans to find enlightenment. Some say it works, but most say it cost a lot of money with uncertain results. Do you have twenty thousand dollars to spend on a trip to India? If you do, you should ALREADY be happy and feel enlightened. That's the inverse of the Oscar Wilde quote "Who, being loved, is poor?"


Have a great week in entertainment.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn and Stephen 

So much has happened in entertainment this week we needed two people to cover the "news." Think of Stephen and I as akin to other popular Hollywood duos: Cagney & Lacey, Turner & Hooch, Phil and Brynn Hartman, etc.

Jessica Simpson describes her "therapy" to People this week. I'm not sure why "therapy" needs to be in quotes, but it was in the original story - probably some sort of overture to the cult of Scientology. In the article she said: "But at this point, nothing else can be said about me that could be worse than I have already read." Let's see if we can't prove her wrong.

Wyclef Jean and Sean Penn exchanged heated words about the former's decision to run for President. Penn said that he hasn't seen Wyclef while he's been in Haiti doing relief work and Wyclef said that the charity he created years ago is the reason people like Penn can even travel there. It's hard to take sides in this debate because it isn't one. Penn was thrown off the ballot himself, so this is probably just sour grapes. Sean Penn will be the new Haitian Lyndon LaRouche.

Lollapalooza is this weekend. The biggest dilemma young people and hipsters went through was whether to see the Strokes or Lady Gaga. Personally I don't see why one would forgo our generation's Led Zeppelin to see our generation's Madonna. The Strokes are on their way BACK into our lives, and let's show them some appreciation.

A company has released the "Max Headroom" television series on DVD. It aired on ABC from 1987-1988, which was before most of our readership was born. There's no real way to explain what the show is like - partially because I've never seen it and partially because it makes Twin Peaks look like Friends. But it's definitely worth checking out.

Mary Hart is leaving "Entertainment Tonight," the entertainment and world politics talk show that has been on the air for decades. She said she has things she wants to do with her life and she needs to move on to start doing them. A lesson for all of us: if you waste your life, you will wake up one day and realize you need to stop hosting an entertainment television show.

John Aylesworth, who created the show Hee-Haw, died this week at age 81. If he were still alive today, he would running for governor of Tennessee and saying absolutely outrageous shit about Jews and traffic tickets.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Writing about entertainment is almost as easy as being an entertainer. It takes no formal education or special skills, just a pretty face and a willingness to sink lower than any of your competitors. Every week the goal of my column is to make Perez Hilton look like The Economist in comparison. Tell me if it's working.

As the most fitting segue, Kings of Leon the band were forced to cancel a show in my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri last week because a pigeon pooped in the lead singer's mouth. In New York, that's the nicest thing a pigeon can do to you and even in Missouri it's taken as a "good sign." You can't stop creating art because something shits in your mouth - some of the best art involves shit!

Speaking of, King of Queens was a television show about the NYC Borough I'm moving to. One of its more talented stars, Leah Remini (who plays the Queen of Queens, in a manner of speaking), has completed or will complete at least two different comedy projects in addition to appearing CBS's "The View" knock-off with the love of my life Sara Gilbert. Leah Remini is the new hardest working woman in show business.

Another hard working person in show business is Jim Belushi. He has a new show called "The Defenders" with Jerry O'Connell, who I've always liked. Since David Cross was a special comedian to me during my formative years, I hate Jim Belushi just like he does. Ultimately I hope the show fails but maybe Jerry can move onto something better. It is about lawyers in Las Vegas.

Ellen DeGeneres quit American Idol, much like Michael Jordan retired from basketball in 1997. She will be focusing on her talk show and a little minor league baseball. Why she felt the need to take on another project in addition to her very popular talk show is beyond me. I guess she likes money too! Just like Sara Gilbert.

Now some positive news: Rob Lowe will be joining Parks and Rec full-on as a cast member when the show comes back. He was previously playing a Indianan bureaucratic version of his character in Thank You For Smoking, but hopefully it will be sussed out. Also, the October 14th episode of 30 Rock will be filmed inside 30 Rock. I worked briefly in Rockefeller Center earlier this summer and should be making a cameo on the show.

There is a new DVD-selling strategy happening on Amazon. Amongst some of our favorite stars and directors, you can get 4-movies-in-1 packages, such as this one by Sylvester Stallone. I never thought I would be able to get Stallone movies for $1.88, including Demolition Man - the movie he did most likely to come true. Even more so than Rambo or the one about his mom shooting you.

Finally, the wedding event of the SEASON is today in Rhinebeck, New York. It's an old-money town two hours north of NYC and the perfectly secluded spot for the daughter of two former US Presidents to marry someone she met in college. I don't know if weddings are right or wrong, but I know there is nothing more exciting than watch two younger-ish people getting married in front of their friends and the watchful eye of the political-entertainment media. One day when my nephew marries one of Obama's daughters, I hope I am invited to the wedding. I will use it as an opportunity to speak out on robot rights and why we should recognize our moon colony's declaration of independence.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

ENTERTAINMENT! This week: Jennifer Lopez, new Fox series, Justin Bieber and Casey Affleck.

David Cross and Will Arnett will reunite for the Fox comedy "Running Wilde." This is a new series by Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz. Why does Fox produce the highest quality comedies on television? That is a rhetorical question.

Jennifer Lopez is turning 41 this week. Her birthday week must be a lot of fun, but not as fun as the week when she had a number one single and number one movie at the same time. I don't remember what song it was or what movie it was, just that she used to be really famous and she has a lot of money. She is an American hero.

Teen star Justin Bieber will play a teen guest star on the television show CSI, which is about murder and finding people who commit it. CSI is trying to target the only demographic who do not watch its show: 6-12 year old girls.

There is a new movie called "Salt," which I was surprised was not a biopic about the Salt and Peppa group from the 1980s. Instead it is a spy movie starring Angelina Jolie. Even though she is in great shape, she had to get in even BETTER shape for this movie, which involved working out every day and adopting 10 children every day from Uganda.

Someone sued Casey Affleck for sexual harassment. Without knowing the details of the case but with knowing how much I love Casey Affleck, I pronounce him "not guilty." He also said that he'll "sue back," which is the same thing I said the last time I was sued for sexual harassment.

Steven Seagal will be starring in a new TV series called SOUTHERN JUSTICE. It's really exciting to see someone so talented back on TV full time. Every episode will end with a mentally retarded black man who killed a white person put to death.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

In case you haven't been getting enough of Mario Lopez, he will be on a new "reality" TV show on VH1 soon. He had sex with his wife and now she is pregnant, so you can watch how they painfully decide to undergo an abortion. It will be very similar to the Saved by the Bell episode when the same thing happened with Jesse.

A US Appeals Court this week ruled that FCC's obscenity rules were "unconstitutionally vague," which is the same thing I said about most of the legislation passed between 2003-2007. The good news for us as low brow television viewers is we can see more swears and human torsos.

Mel Gibson's life keeps falling apart. The audio clips of his what some on the left call "racist" voicemails are now available. Additionally, he was given a $50 ticket for sleeping on the train in Los Angeles. Next week I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he was involved in the NAACP-Tea Party feud, but on which side?

The cast of Jersey Shore is on strike, to the extent they have anything to strike from. They want more money so MTV can continue to record them acting like drunk idiots. If they aren't careful, though, they will be replaced by alpacas or some other species who can mimic human behavior.

The Pitchfork Media Festival of 2010 happens this weekend. This year, the Eagles and Broken Social Scene headline. Broken Social Scene will be playing tracks off their new, third LP and the Eagles will be playing older songs such as "Hotel California."

NASCAR driver Carl Edwards's feud with Brad Keselowski continues because Edwards hit Keselowski with his car during a race. That is a bad thing in the NASCAR world because it's dangerous to hit someone with your car and it's also a sign of disrespect.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Do you remember Thundercats? In the off chance you don't operate in a world of paranoid nostalgia or fail to infantilize yourself, let me remind you: it was a cartoon! The person who created it was MURDERED in Florida. They arrested the guy who did it though. The only person who can legally commit murder in Florida is LeBron James.

Poor Mel Gibson has been dropped from William Morris, the Hollywood talent agency. This isn't because he lacks talent (though he does) but rather because of the incendiary voicemails he left for LeBron James or his ex-girlfriend, which are now available here. This guy can't catch a fucking break!

The girl Lindsay Lohan used to date has attacked Joan Rivers for attacking Lindsay Lohan with jokes. You can't be mad at Joan Rivers for making fun of someone - that is her raison d'etre. That's like me criticizing Lindsay Lohan for getting drunk or Mel Gibson for being a wooden actor.

The person that is married to Tori Spelling was in an accident and it has been hard on the kids. This man's name is Dean and he is one half of arguably the worst "reality" show on television. Watching the previews for it is the only thing worse than actually watching the show, as the producers/editors try to compile scenes of a sad, banal 22 minutes into 1.


The biggest story of the week was the capture and subsequent release of the Emmy nominations. The usual dramas did great - Dexter, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Skin, etc. - and the usual comedies also received some great nominations - The Office, 2.5 Men, One Day in April, 30 Rock. For some reason Lost was nominated for Best Drama despite this final season being the worst in the show's run. Additionally, Community was shut out and Parks and Rec was, some say, criminally under-nominated. The LA County Prosecutor will decide if actual criminal charges should be brought.

Finally, if I'm allowed to consider the World Cup as entertainment, the final is tomorrow. This will be the highest rated sporting event of the year, so you better make plans to watch it. The teams are both European, which appeals to the Eurocentric, racist society we affectionately call "America." Hopefully the score will be 2-2 and go into overtime and then penalty kicks. That would be the best football World Cup final ever! Whoever wins this game will have bragging rights for the next four years, just like President Obama.

One Week in Entertainment (Mel Gibson edition)

By Glenn 

Last week in this column I wished that the US would win its upcoming World Cup game and they lost. Now I realize the power of this entertainment article is that anything you wish for will not come true. Dreams only come true for celebrities.

Dreams came true for Lindsay Lohan this year on her 24th birthday, which is the most important birthday a young person can celebrate. She was punched in the face by a waitress! Lindsay is now the victim of completely random assaults. She is our generation's Reginald Denny.

Melissa Etheridge, famous for pop songs and being a lesbian, is ending the "partnership" between her and her "girlfriend" in California. They did not get legally married during the brief period of equality in 2008 where consensual adults of any sex were allowed to marry each other. It's better that they choose to split than have the State of California take their marriage away from them, the way conservative bigots would please.

The opposite of dissolving a family is starting one, and that is what Joey Fatone is doing - or technically 'starting over' as he and wife Kelly say. “It was like starting over again,” says Joey, 33. “Diapers, midnight feedings, all that. We hadn’t done it in nine years.” If all of those things mean starting over, then I've been starting over a few times a year since I turned 24!

The so-called War on Drugs is misguided and it may have now claimed another innocent victim. Paris Hilton was detained in South Africa during the World Cup for allegedly smoking marijuana. She was released, but what this has done to her reputation might be fatal. Her "rep" said it was all a misunderstanding and Paris is now going on safari. I hope she shoots a big elephant!

Zac Hanson from the musical group Hanson is expecting a second baby and now his wife is too. The last thing I heard about Hanson is that they were opening for Degrassi rap star Drake at a free concert in New York, which was canceled from rioting. This has to be considered better news in comparison.

Vampire movie "Edward and Jacob" grossed $30 million dollars opening night, with an emphasis on gross. Talking about movies is kind of like talking about campaigns now - we care a lot about how much money is involved and less about what that money means and the substance behind the product. Yet who am I to judge? I stood in line for three hours before a midnight showing dressed as Jonathan Lipnicki from Little Vampires.

Finally, the most and least shocking news of the week involves a voicemail Mel Gibson left for an ex-girlfriend. We have all made similar mistakes, but none of us lack the kind of values and character Mel does. Religious zealot, Catholic apologist, racist, anti-Semite - he should be running as a Republican nominee for a Southern Congressional seat!

Mel Gibosn said things such as:

"You're an embarrassment to me"

"You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault."

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f**king nice."

"I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first."

Unlike Mel himself, I will not sit and judgment of statements made during an argument that could be taken out of context. There is nothing inherently wrong about what he said, but I think he should at least apologize for Lethal Weapon 4, which was pretty stupid.

One Week in Entertainment with Glenn

By Glenn 

This has been one of the most exciting weeks in entertainment, if you count the World Cup as "entertainment." I know I was entertained - more entertained - by it than I was the newest happenings with Kendra or Bill Pullman. They were married to each other this week and Kendra will star as Vivica Fox's character in the remake of Independence Day coming out in summer 2011.

Mel Gibson and his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva are fighting over their baby daughter. I thought it was about custody but it turned out to be about whether to raise her as an anti-semite.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, of Saved by the Bell and NYPD Blue fame, is filing for divorce from his wife. I was shocked to find out the wife isn't Tiffany Amber Theissen! It's Lark Vorhees, daughter of Jason Vorhees.

Kendra, the only mentally retarded person to have her own show on E!, is celebrating her one year wedding anniversary. Her gift registry is available on Toys 'r' Us's website.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline both ended up in the same place for their son's preschool graduation. I think it's really sweet that they can put aside their differences for the sake of their young child. There's no joke to tell here.

Finally, and most interestingly, Landon Donovan the American soccer hero from this week's game against Algeria might be reconciling with his wife. It's too early to say if it's because of his winning goal and much too early to say if it will take another US victory for them to fully reconcile, but if you needed another reason you root for America, there it is. AMERICA PLEASE WIN THE WORLD CUP TODAY!

One Week in Entertainment {05-23-09}

By Kaleena

What the hell? Does Sunday come once every week? And does it always creep up on you like a crack addict stalking you down the alley because you just had to take the alley this time?
Well I won't let it take me down, rape me and steal my hard earned money just to continue ruining my life. I'll take it down, beat it a little and then try and have a heart to heart about where things went wrong and how to move on.
You don't have to hear all that, though. Keep yourself busy with this while I pursue my mission.



  • Brooke Shield's mom was found in a restaurant with a freelance reporter this week. Her mom suffers from dementia and was signed out of her residence, which is a nursing home in Jersey, by the freelancing bastard him/herself (not quite sure on that). People still take their old to nursing homes? If my kids sent me to a nursing home, I would haunt them.
    Just kidding. Sort of.

  • Bradley Cooper denies rumored romance with Jennifer Aniston. Who wouldn't?

  • No Doubt is back! All those who gave up hope after Tragic Kingdom have something to revive their spirits. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking of dusting off the ol' swinger get-up and selling some of my hemp necklaces to get some extra cash for tickets.

  • Carnie Wilson is still holding out hope. She's now hosting a revival of Newlywed Game on GSN. That always works out well! Oh and she's nine-months pregnant-good luck and congratulations.

  • Brad Pitt finally made it to the Cannes Film Festival and was just awaiting Angelina's arrival before the festivities could go underway.

  • Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend of 4 years are engaged. Hmmm...commitment issues? Wouldn't it have been more prudent to get married when it was legal? Well sure - that is,if you really wanted to be married!

  • Mary-Louise Parker was a bit pissed that she was coerced into a nude scene for Weeds. Why Mary? You're hot, you're 44 and that's awesome. Look at this this way - you don't have to be naked for men all over (and women too, I'm sure) to spend some "alone time" with magazine pictures of you. And no one's laughing. If anything else, 44 year-old...hell, 26 year old women all over are cursing their genetics for not being yours.

  • Kanye West and his manager, Don Crawley, are in court over allegations that they attacked a paparazzi and smashed his camera after he was being an asshole. First of all, I believe this shit should never go to court because paparazzi step way over the line and have no respect for anything living.
    Second, would a guilty guy go to court dressed like this?


  • Rachel McAdams handcuffs Robert Downey Jr. to a bed in the new Sherlock Holmes picture. What woman wouldn't?

  • Skydiver James Boole fell 6,000 feet and survived. The guy who was supposed to signal him to open his chute failed to do so. Failed to do so. There is a lot to be said for higher education and ultimate revenge.

  • Amy Winehouse is working on a documentary - already. She is 25 and still alive which is in and of itself a miracle and she should give herself to God for that one. Amen.

  • Before attending the Cannes Film Festival, Angelina Jolie made a pit stop in the Netherlands to attend the trial of Thomas Lubanga - a warlord who used children as soldiers. Who new the Netherlands had an edge?

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a date with 60 guests when she arrived in Cannes. I wish I'd been there.

  • Bristol Palin told People magazine: "If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody." You need to visit anywhere other than Alaska, Bristol. You would be sorely disappointed.

  • Sean Penn and Robin Wright are back on for now. Really Robin? He must be outstanding in bed or something because - aside from the money - I just don't get it.

  • That church lady who killed that little girl tried to kill herself by swallowing razor blades. Good for her. Now the justice system just needs to learn to let these people finish the job. They know they're not clearly made for this world.

  • Remember how Kim Kardashian was so proud of her body before? Yeah, well now she's exercising and eating all well and proud of toning up and losing the cellulite. Traitor!

  • Danny Hauser, the kid fighting not to get chemo, and his mother have apparently fled the country. They are thought to be on their way to Mexico to seek alternative cancer treatments. Is it cruel for me to be rooting for them? I love kids, but if the kid doesn't even want the treatment who's to tell him otherwise?

    Way to end on a high-note me! I hope you all have a great week and remember our celebrities in need at your dinner tables and couches.


    • One Week in Entertainment {05-16-09}

    By Kaleena

    Well - I guess I just have no excuse this week. I know, I know, I promised to have this at it's usual 7 A.M. time, but it's not what you think. No,I wasn't spending time on other projects. I mean - this is so important to me, how could you even think that? It's okay, I forgive you. Let's just get pasts this ugliness shall we?


  • Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their vows by dressing up like trailer folk (trash is a little strong). How does Seal get away with not having a real name? Or is that his real name? Hey, it's cool either way, I'm not really here to judge. I just do it for fun.

  • Farrah Fawcett is still battling anal cancer and I wish her the best. There is no joke I'd feel good about making here. Sometimes I just go a little soft.

  • Prince William let his guard down a bit much after a polo-match and was caught putting his arm around his girlfriend and smiling. What a man-whore. Sometimes those prince's just don't think the same rules apply to them.

  • Keifer Sutherland's lawyer says he didn't necessarily do anything wrong. He was possibly framed by a guy who looked exactly like him,also happened to be really good friends with Brooke Shields and answers to the name Keifer. Anything is possible.

  • Kim Kardashian revealed that it was in fact her step-father, Bruce Jenner, who received the mysterious Kardashian family plastic surgery. He got a second facelift-which didn't help at all. Not even a little. He still looks very creepy.

  • Nick Cannon is not letting Eminem get away with the shit he talks about Mariah Carey on his new album Relapse/span>. He was appalled that Em would even think about attacking his newest bride, who happens to be Em's ex. So Nick - have you ever,and I do mean ever heard Eminem? And,stupid-ass Nick Cannon, have you ever heard what Eminem does to people who challenge him, verbally? He will rip you a new asshole for your closet boyfriend to fuck. In conclusion, my advice would be to just take it like the bitches you and your wife both are.

  • Ever wonder what the cast of the original Star Trek is up to these days? Me neither.

  • Christopher Reeve's son Matthew, who's mom is not Dana but Gae Exton, is going to run in a marathon Nov. 1st to raise money for his dad's foundation. So anyone in NYC Nov.1st should get off the couch and run right along with him. Check out 'from couch to 5k'. Yes I could post a link - I could.

  • A Miami priest who is known for giving advice on Spanish-language television and radio, is under the microscope for a relationship that is blossoming between him and an un-named brunette. For reference, his name is Rev. Alberto Cutie (with an accent over the e, but seriously, that's his last name) and he is hot! I don't believe God ever really meant for this man to be a priest. Look him up - really. There's no way.

  • Oprah posed with her new puppy (and about 5 others) for the cover of her magazine's new issue. Oprah seemed happy, but the puppy was quoted as saying: "I feel that I can truly relate to those who feel suicide is really all they can do to fix their situations."

  • Vanessa Hudgens says she'd get nude for the right role. Yeah? Well I'd get nude for a few grand. Just saying - the offer's out there.

  • Helen Philips won The Biggest Loser this season by dropping 140 lbs. Guess who'll be on the cover of people talking about how they need to lose the 100 lbs. she's packed on in the year?

  • Nicole Kidman opted out of working with Woody Allen in his newest project. Probably a good idea for her, but I will always love Woody Allen none-the-less.

  • Lindsay Lohan lives in a pig-sty. Literally - behind some farm in LA. At least that's what the LAPD seemed to think after they responded to the burglar alarm that went off in her house. Upon investigation, they realized it may have just been tripped but they spent some time anyway, taking pictures for 'evidence' and extra cash from such classy publications such as US Weekly and The Enquirer.

  • Paulina Porizkova was axed from America's Next Top Model because producers felt she had too much of an ego problem. A model with a huge ego? Wowing us yet again ANTM!

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are turning Oyster Bay upside down! Now that the town has woken up from it's dream to realize the reality of the situation, it seems all the house-moms have decided to ditch their day suits of sweat pants and "flip flops" for actual clothing and make-up. That's right ladies - Brad is going to just jump at the chance to leave the sexiest woman in the world for your schlumpy asses. And all it's going to take is a little lipstick. Ready....set....GO!

  • Shannon Moakler, co-director of the Miss California USA organization, stepped down after Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her crown after top-less photos of her resurfaced and she openly thinks gays should not get to marry. Let the countdown to the apocalypse begin!

  • Keifer Sutherland says he's "felt a lot of support" through these horrible accusations of doing a wrestling move and head-butting a guy who's supposedly is Brooke Shield's best friend in the whole world, or something like that. What the hell? He didn't shoot the guy! This whole country's gone so damn soft. Whatever happened to the cops looking at the "victim" and saying, "well, you shouldn't have been an asshole.". Those were the days.

  • Congrats to Wanda Sykes and her wife for the birth of their twins! And good luck when the awkward sex talk comes around!

  • Rob Lowe was being sued by two of his former nannies on sexual-harassment suits and one of the nannies is a very pretty nanny. Not that the other isn't ; I just didn't see a picture. However, all parties decided to have them dismissed before they went too far. Good thinking. There's just no telling where this one would've ended, seriously.

  • Lindsay Lohan is set to star in the new movie The Other Side. An independent comedy fantasy that will also b starring Woody Harrelson, Giovani Rubisi, Alanis Morisette and last but certainly no-less famous, Dave Matthews. The movie will begin taping in October, so be sure to check future TV Guides for show-times.

  • Pink and her once-ex husband, that motocross guy, are back together and considering a second wedding. Why ruin a good thing? I mean, they've done it once, is there really a need to test fate twice?

  • Turns out Lohan's house was victim to an attempted burglary - but the pig-styness is still her own.

    Okay, duty calls. I must now go to my real job and make some money. I spent some real time on this so let me know what you think.

    • One Week in Entertainment {05-09-09}

    By Kaleena

    Welcome to a very special Mother's Day edition of One Week! I saved it all up for just this occasion so to all you legitimate mothers (and all those teenage outcasts who just couldn't wait until a legitimate and responsible age for children - but I'm not judging) I give you what you've been waiting for.



  • The father of Jamie-Lynn Spears's daughter, Casey Aldridge, was released from the hospital after he flipped his truck due to too much of a good time at his bachelor party. They said he had a minor head injury that won't produce any permanent damage. Well, that's just debatable.

  • Elisabeth Hasselback says she's not even thinking about this third pregnancy. She was quoted as saying; " Pregnancy? What prenancy? I look just....oh God. Oh my God, I'm pregnant? Tim is going to flip!."

  • Eric Bana released a documentary on muscle cars. Who's Eric Bana? I don't know and honestly I wouldn't have cared if I didn't love muscle cars myself.

  • Madonna's still trying to adopt that little Malawian girl, but her biological father, who just recently surfaced, says he wants to keep her. Good luck Madonna!

  • Oprah Winfrey is out to torment America yet again by helping Jenny McCarthy get her own talk show. Okay on behalf of Mother's Day....well, no. I just can't bring myself to fake joy about this. But Happy Mother's Day to you Jenny McCarthy, none the less.

  • Coldplay is being accused of plagiarism - yet again. Anyone surprised? Anybody? Anybody?

  • Eminem is out of rehab and back with a new album Relapse. No, the title is not ironic. He went to rehab because he had an addiction to pills that spiraled into a 20 pill-a-day addiction. These figures always amaze me - only if the person gets back up, that is.

  • Kate Perry found a way to make swine flu cute? She bought a 'flying pig' ring in Florida. The strangest part of this story was at the end she discusses a conversation she had about the various animal flues with her cat - yes, her cat. Yes, she's insane.

  • Meg White is engaged to Jackson Smith (son of Patti and Fred Smith) and they're set to marry sometime this year. Congrats Meg! Another achievement from this story - I find out Meg was in fact married to Jack before. It's like a weight just took flight from my shoulders. It feels great..

  • Everyone's favorite comedian, Dom DeLuise, died Monday at the ripe-ol' age of 75. Congrats on making it to 75 DeLuise and condolences to your friends and family. The article,however,failed to mention his brilliant role in the classic Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Then again, was that Dom DeLuise? You know...I don't recall and don't care enough to look it up. Well either way - good show DeLuise!

  • People.com asks; Should Miley Cyrus dye her hair dark again? Well, should she? All you grocery-store line critics who voice your opinion to whomever will listen like you matter - should she? Now's your chance, so speak up dammit! What...cat got your tongue? Good! Maybe next time you'll learn to keep your stupid no-matter opinions to yourselves!
    On that note - remember this Miley (who I believe has this particular article bookmarked and is sad I didn't post it yesterday); blonds have more fun, but brunettes break hearts in much greater numbers.

  • Bebe Neuwirth (of Fraiser fame) finally found someone else to agree to marry her. Congrats!

  • Paula Abdul talked to Ladies Home Journal about her previous addiction to painkillers. God, this woman will do anything to stay famous, right? Am I right? I'm sorry Paula.

  • Maggie Gyllenhaal and Paul Saasgard tied the knot (that means they got married) in Italy. Congratulations you two - Italy definitely has to be the place to get married. All the cool kids go to Italy!

  • Kirstie Alley acknowledges she's gained 83 lbs. since her stint as a Jenny Craig spokesperson. Really? We needed her to acknowledge that for us? I mean - it's really pretty obvious. Really,really obvious. Elephant in the room obvious. No pun intended.
    All kidding aside (for now), I wish her the best of luck because....well,all kidding aside so nevermind.

  • Kiefer Sutherland headbutted a designer outside a bar because he stepped in and interrupted a conversation he was having with Brooke Shields. Well that'll teach the little bastard! I'm not sure which one, but someone's going to learn a lesson here! Especially since the NYPD is looking to charge someone - look out Kiefer and stop drunkenly headbutting people for Christ's sake!

  • Dakota Fanning is going to be in the Twilight movie based on the book New Moon. I am really,really tempted to watch the movie, thought I know it's going to suck. You ever get that?

  • Kate Perry shared the story of her fake Vegas wedding 3 years ago to her now ex. Man, this girl's such a prankster!

  • It looks like Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are toying with possibly getting back together again. Hmmm....Ronson's career must be on a downward spiral. That butchy bitch. Stop playing with LeLo's heart!

  • Okay, I'm just going to let this quote speak for itself. This is Megan Fox's take on being a sex-symbol: "I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson – who I have nothing against," she says, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault."
    Oooo....snap! Sorry Megan, but that was a total burn on Scarlett - a hilarious burn, but I feel a possible cat-fight in the wind.

  • Lance Armstrong says Sheryl Crow's need for marriage and children was the reason for their break-up. Ouch! Seriously, though. Why can't kids just be enough, ladies? I mean, both pressures on a stud like Lance could just break the guy in half quite literally. It's a disturbing sight.

  • Mia Farrow was instructed by her doctors to end her hunger strike because she was getting to the point where seizures were becoming a possible reality. She said she was getting weaker every day and found getting out of bed even a difficult task. Well Mia, who knew starving yourself at 64 would take such a toll? Though I have the up-most respect for the fact this woman knows how to protest the old fashioned way, who the hell thinks they're really going to make their point in a hunger strike?

  • Finally, Jimmy Falon finally received his diploma in communications. I guess he just forgot about it until he became famous and realized it would be easier to acquire that way. Congratulations Jimmy!

    What....you wanted all mother related news? Well that's not the real world, sadly, but I hope you enjoyed this none-the-less. Next week's should appear at it's regular time since I have the day before Saturday (that'd be Friday) off. Have a great week folks.


    • One Week in Entertainment [4-25-09]

    By Jake

    Kaleena and I decided to watch UFC last night and it got too late for Kal to do this article. I offered to do it for her and here we are.


    Mel Gibson's girlfriend is Russian musician Oksana Grigorieva. Her Wikipedia page does not tell whether she believes the Holocaust happened.

    Matthew McConaughey is not planning to wed anytime soon. Also he's not planning on being in a good movie.

    Madonna got injured when the horse she was riding was spooked by the paparazzi.

    You can all stop wondering, Tim Allen finds fatherhood easier the second time around.

    The father of a girl in Slumdog Millionaire is not selling her.

    Heidi Montag is planning on marrying her boyfriend Spencer Pratt. They eloped in Mexico, but want o make it official. I am a fan of Heidi, her twitter messages (tweets) make me laugh so loud.

    Ashley Tisdale is going to start dating again. Time to start writing some sonnets, fellas.

    Everybody is talking about Susan Boyle. I can't wait until they all shut the fuck up.

    Fred Durst is engaged. You can here the 15 year old girls from 1998 weeping.

    Michelle Trachtenberg is in the movie 17 Again.

    Will Ferrell ate reindeer eyeballs while hanging out in northern Sweden's mountains. I bet that shit tasted weird.

    When Jerry O'Connell was on Howard Stern this week he said that he understands shaking babies.

    Pretty slow news week really. Everybody is up to their elbows in this Susan Boyle love fest. I'm waiting to see what shows that are "on the bubble" get picked up. I hope Better Off Ted makes it. It's a pretty funny show that gets better every week. Kal will be back next week and she actually reads the articles on People.com instead of looking at the headlines.


    One Week in Entertainment [4-17-09]

    By Kaleena

    If you love to delve into the lives of those who make more money than any of us (unless your family is super-rich), you have come to the right place. I hope I can awe and inspire you with some fascinating life stories of others. Take a lesson or learn how envy can feed the drive to self-expansion. Any way you look at it, it's another week in entertainment.



  • People magazine released a story about Scott Peterson's life on death-row which stated that he has a picture of himself and his posthumous wife, Laci, together on his cell wall. Just goes to show you can love the ones you murder. It's just not the greatest way to show it.

  • Joel Madden confessed on Twitter that the reason he loves Nicole Richie so much is because of the picture of her four-year-old self in which, he says, she resembles Ron Perlman circa Beauty and the Beast. If that's not love, then I don't want to know what is.

  • America's Next Top Model auditions went smoothly the second time around in NYC. Oh thank God for that!

  • Woody Harrelson explained that the reason he attacked a paparazzo at NY's LaGuardia Airport was because he literally, and I do mean literally, mistook the camera-wielding asshole for an actual zombie. Thank god he had his daughter with him to talk him down and assure him that along with vampires,werewolves and ghosts, zombies are not in fact real. His daughter is 4.

  • Lindsay and Sam are still talking despite their heart-breaking split. Lindsay, in case you happen to read this (yes that's a joke), do you realize you quite possibly could be banging Benicio Del Torro? I mean come on. If you're gay, fine but is she really worth all this? Get back to rehab and think it over.

  • Singer Cassie presented a new and quite bold look for any woman out there. She shaved half of her head. Hot or not? Hot! Though....that gorgeous hair. All that beautiful hair. Meh, it'll grow back - I say go all the way!

  • Torri Spelling says despite her new tooth-pick like appearance she's definitely not anorexic. "If I choose not to eat then that's my own damn business, but I am not anorexic." she was sort of quoted as saying. Not so much quoted as I am guessing that she might not totally understand what anorexia is because a lot of celebrities seem not to.

  • American Captain Richard P. Phillips was released back to the safety of open U.S. arms from Somali pirates. I guess the crazy escape attempt gained more respect from the pirates then previously thought - by me.

  • Padma Lakshi just can't stop talking about how easy it was to pose nude because she's so hot and she's always naked anyway. Guess who is over it? Probably everyone because who in the hell knows who Padma Lakshi is anyway? If you do, please don't respond to this.

  • Mel Gibson's wife filed for divorce. Sorry Mel, but let this be a lesson to you about denying the holocaust. It's just not attractive.

  • Dog Whisperer to Obama: "Be the pack leader."
    Obama to Dog Whisperer: "Get a real fucking job."

  • Scarlett Johansson says she doesn't have to work extra hard to get fit for her newest villianess role in Iron Man 2. Yeah, well....shut-up Scarlett.

  • Kendra Wilkinson says doing her taxes all by herself makes her feel "the smartest I've ever been!" This has been quite a year for Kendra. First she learns what stamps are for now her own taxes? You're on a roll girl!

  • Jamie Foxx said Miley Cyrus needs gum-implants and heroin. Hey Jamie, how's that career that's not moving really anywhere? He later apologized saying he was just "having fun." Still - you suck.

  • Shia LaBeouf may not regain total use of his injured hand. Did you know beef in French is beouf? Hmm.

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt loves geeks. This is the third week this story has been run on people.com.

  • Micheal Jackson has yet again halted auctioning off his Neverland Ranch. Apparently everything had to stop when he fell on the floor, kicking and screaming "You're not the boss of me! It's mine! I hate you! I hate you!" He ended the tantrum by holding his breath until he passed out and everyone just decided they'd had enough.

  • One of the Kardashian's is going to get plastic surgery. Who will it be? Who the hell cares! As soon as I know, you'll know - probably a week after it's already happened.

  • Slumdog producer's donated $740,000 to a children organization located in the Mumbai,India slums. Ever notice how beautiful impoverished Indian children look? It never ceases to amaze me. Not to say other impoverished children don't look beautiful, it just happens I'm talking about India right now.

  • Ryan Seacrest finally has a girlfriend. She's a bartender which helps on her part. Would you soberly date Ryan Seacrest? Well - I wouldn't.


    Oh, I hate to see you pout, but that's all I've got for this week. Don't worry, only 7 more days until the next one. Just sleep it off.



    • One Week in Entertainment [4-11-09]

    By Kaleena

    Did you enjoy Jake taking my place last week? TOO BAD! I'm back and we'll all just have to deal with it - preferably outside of therapy. I just can't afford it right now.



  • After 28 years, Metallica will finally be inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. So soon? Congratulations!

  • Madonna's most recent adoption attempt was rejected because she didn't want to spend the required 18-24 months in Malawi that would allow her to bring home the baby girl she wanted so badly. Don't feel bad for Madonna - she could fucking buy Malawi.

  • Sarah Palin's sister-in-law was arrested for burglary. Way to dodge another bullet America - phew!

  • Michelle Obama presented France's own mistress, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, with an acoustic Gibson guitar. She then borrowed Carla's guitar and together they played a riveting rendition of Led Zepplin's Black Dog.

  • Amy Winehouse is back in her own private rehab, St. Lucia. She is planning another album and living past 27.

  • Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's body guards are accused of shooting at some paparazzi. Now, I hate paparazzi, but they really don't deserve to die, necessarily.

  • America's Next Top Model is going to give their search in NYC another shot. They will target a kinder, gentler NYC. The Bronx and Harlem are in contention.

  • Gertrude Baines of Los Angeles, CA turned 115 - making her the oldest person alive. She is quoted as saying "Of all the people in the world, why do I have to be the one? I didn't ask for this." It's possibly the saddest quote from an oldest-person alive I've ever heard. Regardless, happy birthday and I hope whatever you really wish for comes true for you.

  • While Madonna was busy jet-setting home, the little girl she was "attempting" to adopt had her father step forward and say he wanted to raise the daughter he thought had died with her mother. Now that's love. I hope it works out Mr.Kambewa.

  • Robert Downey Jr. turned 44. Happy birthday you sexy, sexy man who I will forever be impressed with.

  • Kendra Wilkinson didn't know she needed a postage stamp to mail things. It's okay, Winona Ryder didn't know you had to pay for things at one point. Everyone makes mistakes.

  • Lindsay Lohan and her d.j. girlfriend have broken up. For good? I hope not - what man would have her now?

  • Chris Brown plead 'not guilty' in the Rhianna case. In related news, Rhianna is pressing charges against herself for instigating Chris Brown into beating her silly.

  • Anna Farris's fiance bought her a pug-puppy, which she named 'Bonzo'. They say raising a puppy together helps in preparation for child-rearing. As long as you don't name the kid 'Bonzo' or teach it to shit outside, you should be fine.

  • Eminem's newest video makes fun of just about every celebrity you can think of. I like this new face of Em.

  • Nicole Ritchie's auctioning off her daughter's out-of-date baby clothes for charity. Baby No.2 will just have to settle for brand new threads from her mom's baby-line, already in progress - or is it?

  • Kim Kardashian says she's not insulted by Eminem's blast at her ass in his new video. Watch it, Em. She is a gypsy after all and you never know if that headache is just from a come-down or her gypsy-voodoo needles.

  • The Jonas Brothers reveal surprises about themselves. Well...what do you think?

  • Madonna donated money to the Italian region of Abruzzo after the hamlet of the province Pacentro made a public plea to her. She laid a golden egg which she had over-nighted. When the egg hatched, it brought all the dead back to life and un-did all the devastation. Next stop - Malawi for reconciliation.

  • Hugh Jackman's miffed over the leak of the Wolverine movie. I am relieved as now I will be able to perform all my own stunts with the cues and clues that it is supposed to reveal.

  • Let me pull my foot out of my mouth...ahhh! I guess Madonna's still fighting to adopt little Mercy. Good luck and I am so sorry because I'm sure you read this and were really hurt my by earlier comments.

  • Billy Bob Thorton is an asshole and proved it when he kept comparing himself to Tom Petty in a radio-show interview he did earlier this week. Tom Petty is awesome. Billy Bob's lyrical ability isn't even on the level of most high-schoolers I've heard at coffee shop open mic nights.

  • Miley Cyrus admits to snooping through her boy's cell phone. She's looking for the hottest opportunity for a threesome, fearing her end is near.

  • Liam Neeson is set to play Zeus in the upcoming Clash of the Titans. Keep moving forward because you are very awesome and made me consider joining the CIA as long as I can torture and severely punish the lowest shit of human-kind.

  • American Capt. Richard P. Phillips attempts to escape from his pirate captors. Dude, don't! Seriously, they're pirates! Watch Taken on your cell and get some hints before you try anything stupid.

  • Carrie Underwood actually admitted to grocery shopping in sweats. Gross! I want to know where this takes place so I am sure not to walk into this unfortunate situation.

    Well, I think that's all I can muster for this week. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I enjoyed it. I am almost in convulsions just wondering what could possibly happen within the next week. Until next time!



    • One Week Entertainment [4-4-09]

    By Jake

    I asked Kaleena if I could write this article this week. She'll be back next week, but you're going to have to deal with me this time around. It's been several weeks since I did one of these, so let's see if I still have "it."


  • Candy Spelling doesn't talk to her daughter, actress Tori Spelling, or grandchildren. If my name was Candy I wouldn't speak to my parents.

  • Annoying actress Katherine Heigl is staying with Grey's Anatomy.

  • Madonna is adopting more babies. People are mad about it, but those people are assholes. Those babies are hitting the lottery instead of having to eat dirt for every meal and bathe in feces.

  • Pamela Anderson and Richie Rich are teaming up to make a line of eco-friendly clothing. Casper the friendly ghost could not be reached for a comment.

  • Rachel McAdams just learned about Twitter, and I just learned about Rachel McAdams.

  • Halle Berry is ready for another baby.

  • Alysson Hannigan had a daughter.

  • John Mayer is getting ready to work on a new album. I'm getting ready to turn the fucking radio off.

  • Star Jones is fat on the inside.

  • Simpsons are going to get their own stamps.

  • Heidi Montag has had a few songs put on the internet. If you follow her on Twitter (and you should) you would know this already.

  • An unfinished version of the new Wolverine movie has leaked onto the internet. I don't care enough to watch it, but it's easy to find if you do. Supposedly the version of Wolverine that leaked is the same version that made Fox go into reshoots. So if you hear that it sucks, don't be surprised for the theatrical version to be significantly different.

  • Nicolas Cage has sold his German Castle.

  • We can all sleep easy: Project Runway is returning in the summer.

  • First lady Michelle Obama has been invited to guest star on 30 Rock.

  • There's a remake of Footloose on the way. Fuck that.

  • Demi Moore tweeted somebody out of committing suicide.


    • One Week Entertainment [3-27-09]

    By Kaleena

    Oh I can hardly WAIT to see what this crazy week has in store for those of us not fortunate enough to experience the insanity from the inside. Here we go!



  • Scott Hamilton heads back to the skating rink. The 15 remaining ice-skating fanatics are very,very

  • Harrison Ford proposed to Calista Flockhart - wait, WHAT?

  • Bruce Willis ties the knot for a second time around. Congrats and good luck!

  • The Wonder Year's Danica McKellar married composer Mike Verta. Did you know she's a mathematician? That's like a magician only with numbers.

  • Lisa and Laura Ling, reporters for Current TV, were arrested by North Korean border officials earlier this week and are being held for interrogation. They were working on a story about N. Korean refugees in the border region. This is the dangerous shit I have huge respect for.

  • Lance Armstrong broke his collarbone in a race. He will,however,race in the Tour de France. I hope this guy can catch a break sometime, unless he's something like a huge dick in real life.

  • Nicholas Hughes, Sylvia Plath's son, committed suicide. This is a rough family to come from and I send condolences to his sister and other family.

  • MIA's pretty pissed about the mis-pronunciation of her son,Ikhyd's name. My advice? Don't even try.

  • Letterman and longtime girlfriend, Regina Lasko finally got hitched. Though I'm sure it was an act, he could've sounded just a bit more sincere about the whole thing. In my opinion he should be quite grateful - I bet he's a pain in the ass to live with!

  • Singer Big Kenny (whoever that is) is going dark for Earth Hour and asks 'will you follow?' I love the earth, but no.

  • Valerie Bertanelli is wearing a bikini on her 49th birthday! I can honestly say I am a bit jealous. I don't look that good at 26 for Christ's sakes.

  • Avril Lavigne has a new fragrance out on the market. It consists of pink hibiscus, black plum and dark chocolate. I want to wear it and eat it if possible.

  • Jennifer Hudson's soon to be wed. Tis' the season!

  • This is my final say on this matter until they take the children away - The mother of the 8 wonder babies is under heavy scrutiny that she's an unfit mother and cares more about the fame then her kids. Wow, they're catching on!

  • Willie Aimes is selling his stuff in a garage sale in hopes to get himself some cash. Poor Willie!

    So many ups and downs - but we press on! On a more serious note, if anyone has any suggestions for my article please let me know. I'm thinking of choosing a 'featured celebrity' every week and giving out the fun facts we all look for about our fave stars. Everyone take care and have a fabulous week!

    • One Week Entertainment [3-21-09]

    By Kaleena

    Good morning fellow Americans, legal and illegal immigrants alike. Oh, another week passes us by bringing with it the warmth and sexual energy of spring. This energy hits all - including the world of entertainment. So let's see what's been happening in our day-dreamy absence, shall we? Great.


  • Howard K Stern and two of Anna Nicole-Smith's doctors are being charged with supplying an over-abundance of drugs to her before she died. This is news?

  • Twilight's writers and people in charge have decided not to change a major character before their second film comes out. I read the books but refused to see the first movie. Still, it would do them good not to fuck up EVERYTHING in transition.

  • Jack Black gets in on the 'Dancey Dance' segment of Nickelodian's 'Yo Gabba Gabba!'. Has anyone ever seen this show? I know I make quite a few drug-references, but seriously, this is what I imagine a borderline bad trip to be like. That said, I retained respect and faith in Jack Black.

  • Steve-O is on 'Dancing with the Stars'. What an asshole.

  • Jamie Kennedy and Jennifer Love-Hewitt are now a confirmed couple. Congrats?

  • Robin Williams is recovering very nicely from his heart surgery. Way to go!

  • Micheal Jackson's run of 50 concerts in the U.K. reportedly sold out within 5 hours of going on sale. He'd better take plenty of naps, drink lots of juice boxes and eat-up those yucky vegetables to keep that energy up !

  • The producer for the James Bond films name is Barbara Broccoli. I am LOLing and grateful to have read into that story

  • A fight broke out at a casting call for 'America's Next Top Model' in NYC. The video was great and I'm truly surprised this hasn't happened a lot sooner.

  • Gwenyth Paltrow suggested in an interview that Joaquin Phoenix move to the ghetto for a few years to develop "authenticity" for his rap career. Part of me is slightly offended, part of me wishes all those ghetto-wannabe assholes would do just that.

  • Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips are engaged. They are going to have some minnie hippy-nerds.

  • Amy Winehouse pleads 'not guilty' to assault charges. Right - it was the crack's fault was it?

  • Natasha Richardson died this week after head injuries induced by a fall while skiing. Condolences to Liam Neeson and family. Let this be a lesson - snowboard.

  • Christina Ricci wants to be married for all the right reasons - the ring and tax break. How sweet?

  • Kanye West is charged with 3 misdemeanors in a paparazzi scuffle. You know what, I hate the paparazzi and I think every action toward them is totally justified - well, not paralysis, murder or maiming. But for kicks, wild punches and run-downs with cars I say if they don't want limits, there's got to be risks.

  • An ex 'Project Runway' model was arrested for assulting her ex-boyfriend with her cat's water dish, some apples and her laptop. Is there some huge misunderstanding somewhere that is leading people to believe abuse is acceptable or you just won't go to jail nowadays?

  • Rihanna and Chris Brown are taking some time apart. Now that's a step in the right direction, Rihanna, but I have a feeling we've got quite a way to go.

  • Hillary Duff's starring in a movie named 'Greta'. It's like 'The Bucket List' for suicidal teens.

  • Nadiya Suleman is saying she feels discriminated against for being a single-mom. No, it's because you are a single mom with 14 children and you don't fucking work.

  • Obama made a comment on 'The Tonight Show' comparing his bowling abilities to being "like the Special Olympics". Egads sir, seriously - remember what happened to the last guy.

  • Michelle Obama and staff have started on an organic garden and beehive for the White House. This is the third or 5th greatest thing to come from this election so far. (Don't quote me on that as I'm not sure it's true).

  • Chevy Chase may be coming back to television in a sitcom with 'The Soup's Joel McHale. I have a weird feeling about this.


    Okay - a LOT to process this week. What a roller-coaster! I for one am dizzy and ready to rest before I head off to bed.