By Ali
Ali gives a very drunk monologue.
Ali gives a very drunk monologue.
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Debate: Prince William and Kate Middleton's Royal Wedding
By Glenn and Mary
Prince William's engagement has unfairly been credited newsworthy all over the media. While engagements, much like sports, aren’t actually news no matter how large of a proportion of your hometown paper is devoted to these two topics, we at OYIT get down to the real issue: is Kate Middleton a hero? The Prince William and Kate Middleton of this website attempt to answer this question in the following paragraphs.
Mary:
What we have is the controversy of what makes a modern-day princess heroic. Kate Middleton is not a hero; she's merely a princess-to-be. In the past, a young lady waited for her prince to rescue her from chores, choir concerts, and oppressive parent-figures to live happily ever after together in a castle. The princess was never the hero because this would contradict the fairy-tale's attempt to socialize young girls to an active/passive dichotomy by which one would submit themselves to be rescued, rather than rescuing oneself from the oppression by any means necessary. The modern-day princess doesn't even know she's a princess and escapes her toils on her own, overcoming opposition and adventures through the woods to the nearby city where she learns she's the princess, who was stolen from the royal family at a young age. She is a hero. Kate Middleton, on the other hand, is unworthily praised for wearing hats and waiting around a decade for her Prince to come. Princess: yes; hero: no. I’d rather go back to watching BP propagandize its eco-consciousness or how Congress will extend Bush-era tax cuts than see repeated footage of Prince William and his Princess-to-be.
Glenn:
I will make an outrageous statement to start off my debate point: Mary is jealous of Kate Middleton. Even though I was not born a woman and have no plans to become one, I know how they think. Sometimes I feel like I am more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism than the women around me. This is why I can see inside Mary’s soul and know that while she is a good person, she has committed the sin of envy and will be killed by Kevin Spacey. If I was a woman or had feminine qualities, I would jump at the chance to marry a prince. A real prince! The good kind too, not one of those motherfuckers from Saudi Arabia. No Western woman would ever want to get involved with the Arab kingdoms and shame on Mary for implicitly suggesting Kate Middleton would be better off in a full burkha in Manama.
Mary:
Glenn just ad hominemed the shit out of this debate, probably because he knows he has no case and a losing track record on OYIT debates. While the masses watch British celebrity gossip and mistake Kate Middleton for a hero, they also confuse Sarah Palin for a feminist, so I must admit that Glenn is more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism because he actually knows what second and fourth wave feminism means. But unless Kate Middleton is infiltrating the royal family to overthrow the monarchy and give students free tuition without fees, I’m not jealous in the least. Instead, Kate Middleton is giving away her right to vote just to marry a prince, which places one hundred years and any and all future waves of feminism between her and heroism. Glenn obviously hasn’t seen Tangled and if he had, he wouldn’t have gone to the way better 3-D version, and therefore he has no authority on what makes a princess a hero. Furthermore, when I think of a hero, I think of America; Kate Middleton can’t even get that right.
Glenn:
It's a bit hypocritical to accuse of ad hominem attack and then blatantly appeal to the nationalist/fascist elements of our readership by saying only heroes can be American. I can think of plenty of non-American heroes: Simon Cowell, Abu Musab al-Zarqai, Neil Young, et cetera. I even have a few more that aren’t related to music! The point is that Kate Middleton’s nationality has nothing to do with her heroism. She’s a hero because she represents the feminine ideal while at the same time putting up with the bullshit all women have to endure. Her in-laws are awful, she is constantly judged for what she wears and has terrible cramps every month during her period. She’s someone we can all relate to. I bet your precious Tangled 3D - which no, I won’t see because it’s for children - mentions nothing about menstrual cycles.
Mary:
At least in America, we don't have to bow down to a Monarch. Talk about blind nationalism! I would hate to have to bow down every time I saw a member of the "royal" family, especially with my bad back because here in America, young girls get to grow up playing sports with the kids in the neighborhood instead of practicing to become a princess. While girls in England are hosting high tea time with their stuffed animals, over in America, we're already making regular trips to the chiropractor. But it's not sports that condition American girls for success and heroism, it's that we are free from the archaic fantasy of marrying a prince. Becoming a real princess isn't even in the realm of possibilities of a young American girl, thus allowing for the full opportunity - dare I say freedom? - to become a hero in our own right. To Glenn, Kate's submission to a prince 'til her death is a perfectly suitable prison for a woman and he hopes by glorifying her as a hero, more women will follow Kate's example and be kept barefoot and pregnant. Although Tangled is meant for children, so is Harry Potter and I will now expose to the world my knowledge that Glenn, in full HP attire, once stood outside during a North Dakota blizzard in a line with tens of other adults to see Happy Potter X. It's not that Glenn won't see Tangled because it's meant for children; he won't see Tangled because Glenn hates women, which is why he mistakes Kate Middleton for a hero.
Glenn:
If I had a crown for every time a woman accused me of hating woman, I would be the one marrying Kate Middleton. Here's a question: how can I hate women if I'm also afraid of them? I hate John Boehner but I'm not afraid of him. I am afraid of snakes but I do not hate them. I am neither afraid of or have hate for Harry Potter, which is why I let some of the neighborhood kids talk me into dressing up as Gandolf from the Harry Potter series. Based on Mary's statements she seems to have chronic back problems, which is a serious issue for any woman but especially Kate Middleton. Ms. Middleton's back hurts from carrying the weight of the British monarchy on her back as a princess-in-waiting. But she did it because it was the best thing for herself and the best thing for her rotting, failed empire. My prediction is that she will become Queen of England, Mary's back problems will kill her at age 30 and Tangled 3D will win the Oscar for Longest Hair in a Motion Picture (Drama).
Prince William's engagement has unfairly been credited newsworthy all over the media. While engagements, much like sports, aren’t actually news no matter how large of a proportion of your hometown paper is devoted to these two topics, we at OYIT get down to the real issue: is Kate Middleton a hero? The Prince William and Kate Middleton of this website attempt to answer this question in the following paragraphs.
Mary:
What we have is the controversy of what makes a modern-day princess heroic. Kate Middleton is not a hero; she's merely a princess-to-be. In the past, a young lady waited for her prince to rescue her from chores, choir concerts, and oppressive parent-figures to live happily ever after together in a castle. The princess was never the hero because this would contradict the fairy-tale's attempt to socialize young girls to an active/passive dichotomy by which one would submit themselves to be rescued, rather than rescuing oneself from the oppression by any means necessary. The modern-day princess doesn't even know she's a princess and escapes her toils on her own, overcoming opposition and adventures through the woods to the nearby city where she learns she's the princess, who was stolen from the royal family at a young age. She is a hero. Kate Middleton, on the other hand, is unworthily praised for wearing hats and waiting around a decade for her Prince to come. Princess: yes; hero: no. I’d rather go back to watching BP propagandize its eco-consciousness or how Congress will extend Bush-era tax cuts than see repeated footage of Prince William and his Princess-to-be.
Glenn:
I will make an outrageous statement to start off my debate point: Mary is jealous of Kate Middleton. Even though I was not born a woman and have no plans to become one, I know how they think. Sometimes I feel like I am more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism than the women around me. This is why I can see inside Mary’s soul and know that while she is a good person, she has committed the sin of envy and will be killed by Kevin Spacey. If I was a woman or had feminine qualities, I would jump at the chance to marry a prince. A real prince! The good kind too, not one of those motherfuckers from Saudi Arabia. No Western woman would ever want to get involved with the Arab kingdoms and shame on Mary for implicitly suggesting Kate Middleton would be better off in a full burkha in Manama.Mary:
Glenn just ad hominemed the shit out of this debate, probably because he knows he has no case and a losing track record on OYIT debates. While the masses watch British celebrity gossip and mistake Kate Middleton for a hero, they also confuse Sarah Palin for a feminist, so I must admit that Glenn is more in touch with second and fourth wave feminism because he actually knows what second and fourth wave feminism means. But unless Kate Middleton is infiltrating the royal family to overthrow the monarchy and give students free tuition without fees, I’m not jealous in the least. Instead, Kate Middleton is giving away her right to vote just to marry a prince, which places one hundred years and any and all future waves of feminism between her and heroism. Glenn obviously hasn’t seen Tangled and if he had, he wouldn’t have gone to the way better 3-D version, and therefore he has no authority on what makes a princess a hero. Furthermore, when I think of a hero, I think of America; Kate Middleton can’t even get that right.
Glenn:
It's a bit hypocritical to accuse of ad hominem attack and then blatantly appeal to the nationalist/fascist elements of our readership by saying only heroes can be American. I can think of plenty of non-American heroes: Simon Cowell, Abu Musab al-Zarqai, Neil Young, et cetera. I even have a few more that aren’t related to music! The point is that Kate Middleton’s nationality has nothing to do with her heroism. She’s a hero because she represents the feminine ideal while at the same time putting up with the bullshit all women have to endure. Her in-laws are awful, she is constantly judged for what she wears and has terrible cramps every month during her period. She’s someone we can all relate to. I bet your precious Tangled 3D - which no, I won’t see because it’s for children - mentions nothing about menstrual cycles.
Mary:
At least in America, we don't have to bow down to a Monarch. Talk about blind nationalism! I would hate to have to bow down every time I saw a member of the "royal" family, especially with my bad back because here in America, young girls get to grow up playing sports with the kids in the neighborhood instead of practicing to become a princess. While girls in England are hosting high tea time with their stuffed animals, over in America, we're already making regular trips to the chiropractor. But it's not sports that condition American girls for success and heroism, it's that we are free from the archaic fantasy of marrying a prince. Becoming a real princess isn't even in the realm of possibilities of a young American girl, thus allowing for the full opportunity - dare I say freedom? - to become a hero in our own right. To Glenn, Kate's submission to a prince 'til her death is a perfectly suitable prison for a woman and he hopes by glorifying her as a hero, more women will follow Kate's example and be kept barefoot and pregnant. Although Tangled is meant for children, so is Harry Potter and I will now expose to the world my knowledge that Glenn, in full HP attire, once stood outside during a North Dakota blizzard in a line with tens of other adults to see Happy Potter X. It's not that Glenn won't see Tangled because it's meant for children; he won't see Tangled because Glenn hates women, which is why he mistakes Kate Middleton for a hero.Glenn:
If I had a crown for every time a woman accused me of hating woman, I would be the one marrying Kate Middleton. Here's a question: how can I hate women if I'm also afraid of them? I hate John Boehner but I'm not afraid of him. I am afraid of snakes but I do not hate them. I am neither afraid of or have hate for Harry Potter, which is why I let some of the neighborhood kids talk me into dressing up as Gandolf from the Harry Potter series. Based on Mary's statements she seems to have chronic back problems, which is a serious issue for any woman but especially Kate Middleton. Ms. Middleton's back hurts from carrying the weight of the British monarchy on her back as a princess-in-waiting. But she did it because it was the best thing for herself and the best thing for her rotting, failed empire. My prediction is that she will become Queen of England, Mary's back problems will kill her at age 30 and Tangled 3D will win the Oscar for Longest Hair in a Motion Picture (Drama).
Female Orgasm Secrets -- Secret Orgasm Tips Every Man Should Know
By Glenn
As a member of NAMBLA, MENSA, and Move On, I get a lot of strange emails in my inbox. Some of them are asking for money for a renewable energy campaign and others let me known about new state laws barring registered sex offenders from living within 500 miles of a school or dairy farm. This morning I got one that I assumed was from MENSA at first, but upon further inspection might be from Dr. Ruth, William Faulkner, or someone from Denmark (note the email address). I now present to you in unedited form today's female orgasm secret.
From: Outhier [signal@rottmar.de]
Date: Fri, Apr 24, 2009 at 11:22 AM
Subject: Female Orgasm Secrets -- Secret Orgasm Tips Every Man Should Know
As a member of NAMBLA, MENSA, and Move On, I get a lot of strange emails in my inbox. Some of them are asking for money for a renewable energy campaign and others let me known about new state laws barring registered sex offenders from living within 500 miles of a school or dairy farm. This morning I got one that I assumed was from MENSA at first, but upon further inspection might be from Dr. Ruth, William Faulkner, or someone from Denmark (note the email address). I now present to you in unedited form today's female orgasm secret.
From: Outhier [signal@rottmar.de]
Date: Fri, Apr 24, 2009 at 11:22 AM
Subject: Female Orgasm Secrets -- Secret Orgasm Tips Every Man Should Know
Not a spy. And then a sudden determination came almost without trying. He had men
Female Orgasm Secrets -- Secret Orgasm Tips Every Man Should Know
Was upon the latch of this door, a female voice about so that he faced the gate. There, butzow, with the gibbs and as a child she had often stayed he had spent on his father: his thoughts ran constantly for larry. Without discussing which is the sun arrive. Ah! I am through. Is that you, andre? that mrs. Turner gave the invitation, and she to do things in a sensible way. No, indeed they saw her cousin. The first item which she noticed been handed down to you. Your grandfather thought as it likes you to suppose, it will neither be days in church or at the parish house. The cold, quantities of pepper he sprinkled on everything.
Womance: A Feminist Guide to V-Day
By Heather Joy
This is for the "straight" women because lesbians know better...
Prince Charming started out as a frog, not a misogynist pig. Do not let Valentine’s Day dupe you into thinking some sort of transformation has taken place, but keep in mind that chivalry indeed is dead. Valentine’s Day simply gives men the opportunity to fake it in order to prove their rightful place within our hearts, or more adequately, between our legs. Let’s not fake it Valentine’s Night and perpetuate this myth. That proverbial kiss will not awaken, but only render us to unfruitful slumber! In fact, I would rather keep making-out with that frog — at least he won’t lie about where he got those warts.
Unfortunately, it is not enough to merely skip out on Valentine’s Day. The political meaning is lost when people assume that you just can’t find anyone to fuck, and everyone knows that only the far Right can effectively organize on not getting laid. Rather, what I call for is an appropriation of Valentine’s Day and all that it entails. Empower yourself by taking the initiative.
Replace that standardized V-Day card rhyme with some poetry that is creative and passionate. An excerpt from Anne Sexton, for example:
Aside from being entirely accurate (I mean, V-Day does take place after Auschwitz), this poem also has a touch of sentimentalism in that it compares men to flowers and birds; it is a model example that you do not have to be a stone-cold bitch in order to be a feminist.
Pick up a movie while you’re at it. I recommend Teeth, the profound story of a young woman coming to terms with her toothed vagina. I get nostalgic just thinking about it. It is a thoughtful choice because it combines Friday the 13th/V-Day in one move, thus saving you money. Make him the cheap date for once… then pressure him into having sex with you! If that doesn’t work, force him. Incorporate this kinky, yet equality-friendly sex toy:
If it is the phallus that oppresses us as women, we can oppress right back! Men and women can then bond in their mutually harrowing state. It is quite romantic, really.
Make sure to cast aside those pesky condoms because they imply that it is the duty of men to protect us. Also, Men HATE having sex without condoms. By the way, do not lick or put a finger anywhere near his ass. A lot of men are implicitly homophobic, but they do (or will), in fact, love anal-anything. You should probably just make him eat your ass.
Stay strong, my sisters. If you are feeling a "maternal instinct”, have an abortion or perform one on someone else. If you feel a “feminine” urge to bake, stick your head in the oven. Remember, it is indeed possible to knock Prince Charming off his high-horse by being actual whores and by doing horses. Just try it.
This is for the "straight" women because lesbians know better...
Prince Charming started out as a frog, not a misogynist pig. Do not let Valentine’s Day dupe you into thinking some sort of transformation has taken place, but keep in mind that chivalry indeed is dead. Valentine’s Day simply gives men the opportunity to fake it in order to prove their rightful place within our hearts, or more adequately, between our legs. Let’s not fake it Valentine’s Night and perpetuate this myth. That proverbial kiss will not awaken, but only render us to unfruitful slumber! In fact, I would rather keep making-out with that frog — at least he won’t lie about where he got those warts.
Unfortunately, it is not enough to merely skip out on Valentine’s Day. The political meaning is lost when people assume that you just can’t find anyone to fuck, and everyone knows that only the far Right can effectively organize on not getting laid. Rather, what I call for is an appropriation of Valentine’s Day and all that it entails. Empower yourself by taking the initiative.
Replace that standardized V-Day card rhyme with some poetry that is creative and passionate. An excerpt from Anne Sexton, for example:
After Auschwitz
Anger,
as black as a hook,
overtakes me.
Each day,
each Nazi
took, at 8: 00 A.M., a baby
and sauteed him for breakfast
in his frying pan.
And death looks on with a casual eye
and picks at the dirt under his fingernail.
Man is evil,
I say aloud.
Man is a flower
that should be burnt,
I say aloud.
Man
is a bird full of mud,
I say aloud.
Aside from being entirely accurate (I mean, V-Day does take place after Auschwitz), this poem also has a touch of sentimentalism in that it compares men to flowers and birds; it is a model example that you do not have to be a stone-cold bitch in order to be a feminist.
Pick up a movie while you’re at it. I recommend Teeth, the profound story of a young woman coming to terms with her toothed vagina. I get nostalgic just thinking about it. It is a thoughtful choice because it combines Friday the 13th/V-Day in one move, thus saving you money. Make him the cheap date for once… then pressure him into having sex with you! If that doesn’t work, force him. Incorporate this kinky, yet equality-friendly sex toy:
If it is the phallus that oppresses us as women, we can oppress right back! Men and women can then bond in their mutually harrowing state. It is quite romantic, really.
Make sure to cast aside those pesky condoms because they imply that it is the duty of men to protect us. Also, Men HATE having sex without condoms. By the way, do not lick or put a finger anywhere near his ass. A lot of men are implicitly homophobic, but they do (or will), in fact, love anal-anything. You should probably just make him eat your ass.
Stay strong, my sisters. If you are feeling a "maternal instinct”, have an abortion or perform one on someone else. If you feel a “feminine” urge to bake, stick your head in the oven. Remember, it is indeed possible to knock Prince Charming off his high-horse by being actual whores and by doing horses. Just try it.
The No Cussing Challenge
By Heather Joy
I was unaware of my mother’s aversion to cuss words until I got my father a bit tipsy and asked him to teach me some. And this was just last year. I am, by no means, a sheltered 24 year old unfamiliar with the English language’s colorful lexicon of profanities; in fact, every other sentence I utter has some sort of cuss word. Rather, my parents are both Deaf and I figured that it was about time I incorporated some cuss words into my sign language. After all, my parents deserve to know that I’m a tactless bitch as much as any other asshole.
My mom put a stop to this conversation right quick, and it turns out, she is not particularly fond of any graphic signs that seem too literal. I must now refrain from the gesture of “scissoring” when discussing with them my work on lesbian culture. Needless to say, I will not be sharing any of my glorified blowjob stories with her so she’s the one really missing out here -— although, the sign for “handjob” is pretty similar to “milk”, which could make for some interesting narration.
[On a side-note, I feel compelled to share with you my new favorite sign, China, which is actually considered more politically correct than an older version that signaled has to do with eyes. Ridiculous.]
I suppose I should have known better. I mean, she hasn’t used her hearing aid since I stood behind her and yelled “Fuck” to elicit a reaction; I just figured that she didn’t like the volume or my manly voice. But seriously, what’s her fucking problem —- aside from having a belligerent radical feminist for a daughter? More importantly, why do we, as a society, express such ambivalence towards cussing? This should be the issue, rather than the sheer expurgation of such words from the nomenclature, a fervent subject as of late.
The movement against cussing ineluctably links words to action, profanities with violence. It is gaining momentum due to the efforts of a bright-eyed 14 year old, McKay Hatch, who has written a book on the subject and is currently making the talk-show rounds. He implores us to take the “No Cussing Challenge”, which goes as follows:
Your words become your thoughts.
Your thoughts become your behavior.
Your behavior becomes your character.
Your character becomes your destiny.
Hatch suggests that we use alternative words as demonstrative of our frustrations -- for example, “oh, pickles”. Yet, the use of a “cleaner” word doesn’t exactly vitiate the negative energy. There is still an inclination to say something. Moreover, I do not want pickles to determine my destiny. And pickles can be very dirty.
I am not challenging this quixotic young man, but the milieu in which he has found success. The talk-shows that he goes on are predominantly aimed at adults (Dr. Phil, Fox News, The Early Show) and the No Cussing Club has 20,000 members worldwide. Parents are eating this shit up, thus fostering a new generation of feeble-talking youth (which I guess would make them feeble-minded, according to the pledge).
Maybe having kids running around while flagrantly cussing is a bit discordant for anyone's sensibilities, but it is also really funny. A lot of kids do not have experiences that entail use of a stronger word, hence their tendency to cuss incoherently. But for others, cussing does add an extra dimension of meaning: we can articulate the degree to which an event is negative/positive or use a conjoining ad hominem to illustrate that a subject is not worthy of meaningful discussion. Sometimes we need that. My computer should be laid out in shambles on the other side of the room, but because I cuss at it like it’s my mom it’s perfectly fine!
I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that “words do matter” -- it is one of the most recited maxims of feminism -- but it is unsettling when groups try to enervate the power of words by banning them. The intentional use of cuss words is not a mere product of the witless, and censorship is most certainly an attempt to impose a moral standard. We do not all support each other, so why lie through fake niceties? More importantly, we need to acknowledge that we are artful beings and we give words their meaning; they are not static fixtures by which we should feel imprisoned.
I was unaware of my mother’s aversion to cuss words until I got my father a bit tipsy and asked him to teach me some. And this was just last year. I am, by no means, a sheltered 24 year old unfamiliar with the English language’s colorful lexicon of profanities; in fact, every other sentence I utter has some sort of cuss word. Rather, my parents are both Deaf and I figured that it was about time I incorporated some cuss words into my sign language. After all, my parents deserve to know that I’m a tactless bitch as much as any other asshole.
My mom put a stop to this conversation right quick, and it turns out, she is not particularly fond of any graphic signs that seem too literal. I must now refrain from the gesture of “scissoring” when discussing with them my work on lesbian culture. Needless to say, I will not be sharing any of my glorified blowjob stories with her so she’s the one really missing out here -— although, the sign for “handjob” is pretty similar to “milk”, which could make for some interesting narration.
[On a side-note, I feel compelled to share with you my new favorite sign, China, which is actually considered more politically correct than an older version that signaled has to do with eyes. Ridiculous.]
I suppose I should have known better. I mean, she hasn’t used her hearing aid since I stood behind her and yelled “Fuck” to elicit a reaction; I just figured that she didn’t like the volume or my manly voice. But seriously, what’s her fucking problem —- aside from having a belligerent radical feminist for a daughter? More importantly, why do we, as a society, express such ambivalence towards cussing? This should be the issue, rather than the sheer expurgation of such words from the nomenclature, a fervent subject as of late.
The movement against cussing ineluctably links words to action, profanities with violence. It is gaining momentum due to the efforts of a bright-eyed 14 year old, McKay Hatch, who has written a book on the subject and is currently making the talk-show rounds. He implores us to take the “No Cussing Challenge”, which goes as follows:
Your thoughts become your behavior.
Your behavior becomes your character.
Your character becomes your destiny.
Hatch suggests that we use alternative words as demonstrative of our frustrations -- for example, “oh, pickles”. Yet, the use of a “cleaner” word doesn’t exactly vitiate the negative energy. There is still an inclination to say something. Moreover, I do not want pickles to determine my destiny. And pickles can be very dirty.
I am not challenging this quixotic young man, but the milieu in which he has found success. The talk-shows that he goes on are predominantly aimed at adults (Dr. Phil, Fox News, The Early Show) and the No Cussing Club has 20,000 members worldwide. Parents are eating this shit up, thus fostering a new generation of feeble-talking youth (which I guess would make them feeble-minded, according to the pledge).
Maybe having kids running around while flagrantly cussing is a bit discordant for anyone's sensibilities, but it is also really funny. A lot of kids do not have experiences that entail use of a stronger word, hence their tendency to cuss incoherently. But for others, cussing does add an extra dimension of meaning: we can articulate the degree to which an event is negative/positive or use a conjoining ad hominem to illustrate that a subject is not worthy of meaningful discussion. Sometimes we need that. My computer should be laid out in shambles on the other side of the room, but because I cuss at it like it’s my mom it’s perfectly fine!
I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that “words do matter” -- it is one of the most recited maxims of feminism -- but it is unsettling when groups try to enervate the power of words by banning them. The intentional use of cuss words is not a mere product of the witless, and censorship is most certainly an attempt to impose a moral standard. We do not all support each other, so why lie through fake niceties? More importantly, we need to acknowledge that we are artful beings and we give words their meaning; they are not static fixtures by which we should feel imprisoned.
