Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue II]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
How do i get my girlfriend of one year, who is totally against smoking the green to smoke with me. My friends say i should just trick her into it, maybe bake a cupcake with it in there but i don't think I bake well enough for that to work. Do you have any advice?
-Smokin' Steve

Hi Steve,

Yeah, all I have is advice. In the words of BSB, get another [girl]friend.

It's obvious that two people that love each other don't need to have everything in common, but I have made the point in the past that a few fundamental issues need to be decided upon. Green smoking is one of them. Some might say that because your girlfriend is sweet enough to understand you are your own person and you like your drugs and she lets you have your fun, that's good enough to keep a strong, healthy relationship. But is it?

People that smoke marijuana (more commonly referred to as pot, weed, grass, green, mary jane, chronic, reefer, boo-yah, and herb) think on a completely different wave length than that of a "non-smoker." They see everything, and they see it clearly. They can foresee conspiracy theories, dissect every profound layer of Grandma's Boy, understand the real reason behind the Civil War (incorporating the "IN GOD WE TRUST" logo on our other green), and taste food to the degree in which you could never imagine. Seriously, have you ever tasted food high? It's like a mouth orgy. A couple should be able to enjoy dinner together, right?

Anyway. If you two can't see eye to eye on these simple pleasures, I don't see much hope for your girlfriend. You could try the cupcake thing, but most likely she'll be pretty upset that you threw this on her unawares, so instead just break up with her. THAT she can probably seen coming.

Hi Katy,
My tooth hurts so bad. I have no insurance sadly so all i do is cry in a corner. Do you think if i tie a string around it and a door handle an slam the door i will rid my mouth of the source of the pain it is feeling?
-Sore Tooth Sally

Hi Sally,

Well, yeah, don't mess with a proven method I always say. Of course, it'll hurt like hell for days after, so I'd suggest keeping a bottle of brandy (I'm a big fan of blackberry) around to dab on those sore gums and drink large quantities of.

I understand the frustration you must have, lacking insurance and all. I mean, I kind of understand, but I have insurance, including dental, so I don't really understand it all, though my mom has said many times that you should get to the doctor now before Obama's healthcare plan kicks in and you can never get in to see another doctor again. I bet that'll be much more irritating than paying $1200 out of pocket. What my mom and so many others fail to realize is that people won't need to flood the waiting rooms of our nation's doctors once they realizes these simple methods still exists to fix most of our ails. Examples:

Broken Bone: Plaster of Paris and popsicle sticks. Set it annnnnnd forget it. Consume brandy for the pain.

Sore Throat: Chug some honey, drink some tea, and brandy, brandy, brandy.

Stubbed Toe: Drink some brandy and stop crying about it, this isn't Croatia, 1992.

Torn Ligament: Constant massage and a $3 wheel chair from Goodwill.

Depression: Brandy.

I hope that tooth feels better soon.

Hi Katy,
I'm having trouble getting people to comment on my blog. Do you think the threat of physical violence will solve my problems?
-Violent Valerie

Hi Valerie,

No, Val, the threat of violence has been known to solve very little (other than keeping kidnap victims in line, but the same can be accomplished with cocaine and Beanie Babies). VIOLENCE, however, can do a great deal. If you tell someone you plan on breaking their kneecaps, they're likely to laugh it off. If you break their kneecaps, they're more likely to get your message, AND as a bonus, they'll be stuck at home on the computer for weeks while it heals. What can they do but submit to your blogging needs?

Violence can get you into trouble, though, so I wouldn't do the knee breaking totally on your own. It's best to accomplish these things through certain channels, keep your name out of it, and add lackeys to your constant beckoning call. After a few of these incidents occur, only then can you stop acting, and stick to threatening. You have to build up a pretty decent follow through before you can relax and assume these people know you mean business. Remember to send a basket of flowers or candy to said victim after knee bashing ensues, that way they know you still care. Happy hunting! Haha, just kidding... guns are for suckers.

Hi Katy,
Is it okay to let a child play with a toy gun? I played with one when I was a kid and I'm a stock broker.
-Stock Option Omar

Hi Omar,

Guns are perfectly safe for children to play with and pretty awesome at that. When I was younger I had a rubber band gun, three to five water guns, an air rifle, a cap gun, and my favorite, my grandfather's S&W .41 magnum. I haven't murdered a single person IRL, so I know these toys did little to damage my psyche or societal productivity. In fact, I don't own any sort of gun at this time.

Society might tell you that putting these ideas into your child's head at an early age is irresponsible and likely to lead to school shootings, but I used to play Ghost in the Graveyard all the time when I was little and not once have I turned into a ghost. My sister and I also used to play waitress growing up. We would get a little pad of paper and take my dad's order and refill his coffee and overflow his plate with plastic steaks and french fries and what came of it? We made extremely profitable careers serving food to people in need at various restaurants across the Midwest. We knew which life lessons were important to accept and which were better left to the quadriplegic hunters of the world.

Don't let your kid become a stock broker, have some common sense Omar.

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Tuesday Debate: Guns

By Jake and Ingrid

There is not a more controversial debate topic than Guns. Some of us love to use them to murder people we hate, and some of us don't use them at all. This debate will help you realize which type of person you are. This debate may change your life.




Jake: Look, having guns in public is a Constitutional right that we must protect at all costs, even if that cost is human lives. What if a police officer is lurking in your bushes, waiting to pounce on you when you're cleaning out your tobacco bong? He comes into your house, taser in hand. He sneaks up behind you, ready to kill you with a deadly level of electricity? What do you do? You turn around, say something clever and unload 41 bullets into his chest. What are the drawbacks? Nothing, except you're not dead and you have blood all over your kitchen floor. but your tobacco bong has never been cleaner. What if a rapist is trying to rape you to death? You can shoot him to death in the dick. There are no draw backs to having a gun and if you think there are then you are the biggest jerk in the entire world and deserve to be shot with a gun.

Ingrid: In the immortal words of Matthew McConaughey in the hit comedy film “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”: Bullshit, Jake. Bullshit. Let’s say your ridiculous hypothetical situation, in which a cop busts into your house ready to taze you for possessing a tobacco bong, actually does occur: saying something clever and unloading 41 bullets into the poor dude’s chest is definitely more cinematic than, say, holding up your hands and bursting into tears (which is how I react every time I see a cop). It is also super illegal and will put you in the big house for 90 or 100 years. Also, it’s a bit reactionary to just shoot as soon as you are accosted. What if the poor dude just wanted some? Haven't you ever seen a bromance starring Seth Rogan or Whats-his-face Franco?? Even cops need to take a load off now and then, and those who are watching their weight do it with drugs, same as the rest of us. Let me get to my real point here: the reason I am against carrying concealed weapons is because with guns it's all about the element of surprise. It doesn't have much to do with skill, really, or at least not in most situations in which a pro-gun person would argue you'd most need one. It has to do with surprise. Let's look at a REAL event to illustrate this issue: after a school shooting such as the one at Virginia Tech, many pro-gun people were like "See?! If just a handful of those VT students had been carrying guns with them to class, they could've stopped the murderer from killing innocents!" But this is simply not true, because before anyone knew what was going on, the victims were already dead and the murderer had killed himself, too. Do you right-wing wackos think you could've stopped 9/11 if you had been carrying a concealed weapon? NO! It wouldn't have made a damn difference. Even if all of the hillbillies in MO had been transported to ground zero on that particular day for some sort of hillbilly gun conference, they couldn't have stopped it. The terrorists had the element of surprise, and they had done their dastardly deeds before anyone would've had time to react.

Jake: If I was on that 9/11 plane and had a gun, I would have shot all of those terrorist baffoons right in their towel covered skulls. Does this make me a racist? No, it makes me a patriotic American citizen who is not afraid to be politically incorrect to make a point in a debate for a comedy website on the internet. Regardless, shooting people is not about surprise, it's about stopping them cold in their raping or plane-flying-into-a-building tracks. Like I said in my first point, the only real downside of shooting somebody is the bloody mess it leaves. I'm a bit of a neat freak, so it's a problem to me, but may not be to you. Another problem is that they may wrongfully imprison you for merely acting out your Constitutional right. If there was a piece of paper that said I could clear cut every forest in the world would I do it? You bet your ass I would. I would probably make toothpicks or boards to build everybody a sweet deck in their backyards. Let's set the scene for another instance you might want a gun for: you're on a cruise ship, and it sinks. You're left stranded on an uninhabited island. You have no way to get food, but there's all these ducks and shit on this island, but not many vegetables or fruits. What are you going to do? You shoot some ducks and eat those fuckers. Now you're still alive thanks to having a gun. You don't want guns? Then you're going to die after you eat all the veggies like a first rate rube.

Ingrid: Haven't you ever read "Life of Pi"? Everyone knows that if you are on a cruise (first of all, fuck you for being on a cruise: who can afford a cruise these days??) and it sinks, you catch fish with a handmade net, and then you almost die from too much protein. But if you are on an island with ducks, and you are really desperate, I'm pretty sure you could catch one with your bare hands and/or drop a coconut on one's head to kill it. I mean, it's not hard to outwit a duck: ducks are pretty dumb. Another question to consider is would you even want to survive long in this situation? If the only person I had to talk to was a duck, I would just want to die. I would wade out into the water and melodramatically drown myself as the ducks looked on, slightly offended but otherwise indifferent. This is so far off topic, though. I am offended that you would bring the debate down to this level (like I said, most Americans can't afford cruises and would never find themselves in your Duck Island scenario). I'm going to assume that you are dumbing it down because I'm a female, and I'm going to go ahead and assume that means you are sexist. Therefore, every point you try to make from this moment on is null and void, my friend.

Jake: No, I have not read the Tao of Pooh, and why would I? I don't give a shit about your Eastern philosophy silliness. Your point had nothing to do with the topic at hand, and if we were going to sit here and debate ducks, islands or drowning ourselves, then I think this debate would have a much different tone. As I see it, you're trying to deflect by discussing ducks at length and calling me sexist, when you know that I'm not. Guns are a right, and just because I can discharge that right into a rapist's genitals does not make it any less important than freedom of speech or women's suffrage. Women's suffrage has never stopped a rapist from attacking you in the bathroom of a Denny's, but a gun has. Several times, in fact. I know, you could just stop going to Denny's, but where are you going to score a Moons Over My Hammy? You'd never know the pleasure of that greasy, but hilariously named dish. Guns help people, and if you are against guns then you're against helping people.

Ingrid Hey, listen, buster: I'm all for the right to own guns -- the right to own a gun is clearly outlined in the Constitution, a document which I frequently try to abide by. However, I believe there should be tight restrictions so nutcases like VT's Seung-Hui Cho can't get their mentally ill fingers on a semi-automatic without going through some red tape first, and I also believe people shouldn't be able to carry concealed guns. What is this, the old West? Put 'em on a hunting rack, I always say. Or in a locked case with the key hidden where your five yr old can't get to it. With the proper restrictions and safe guards, I support gun ownership, although I will still sniff at you smugly in my snobbish, progressive, middle class way. You keep bringing up this rapist scenario, so let me focus on that for a moment. In self-defense courses they often tell you specifically NOT to try to use a gun or other weapon against an assailant unless you are well trained, because the attacker can easily use your weapon against you before you can use it against him or her. Again, the element of surprise comes into play here. If a rapist burst in on me while I was peeing in the women's restroom at Denny's, and we both had guns, who do you think would be more likely to win in a close-range gunfight? Definitely not me, because I'm sitting there, utterly surprised, with my pants around my ankles and my hypothetical gun in my purse. Would the guy wait for me to wipe, flush, pull up my pants, reapply my lip balm, search for my gun (I can never find anything in my stupid purse), and then participate in a clean duel? No, he would burst in and hold his gun to my head before I even have a chance to say, "Sorry, this one's occupied!" If someone tried to rape me, I would have more success clawing his eyes out, twisting his balls off, and ripping out his hair than I would drawing a gun and firing.

Jake: In every rape scenario I have presented, the victim is very well trained with a hand gun and is an incredibly quick draw. That alone is enough to invalidate your entire argument, but I will still humor you and continue to shoot holes into it. Your point seems to thrive on urination and ball twisting, which in my book is a bit crass. I will look beyond this to your idea of turning the world back into the wild wild West. This would be great and go off without a hitch like in the movie West World. In this film Yuel Brenner portrays a lonely robot who helps young men become more manly. If you want to castrate our nation's men, then yes, let's take all of the guns and melt them into rainbows or whatever the fuck you want to do. If I was allowed to shoot rapists with a cannon I would do it so fast that their torsos would be rubble by the time I finished typing this sentence. I do not want to live in your world where rapists are free to have their "balls twisted" in acts of perverse bondage. I want to live in a world where my gun shoots hot lead at them reducing them to flowing rivers of lava, which form beautiful rocks where we can have lovely picnics with our unraped families. The overly-raped world you want to live in is a bleak one indeed.

Ingrid: Whatever, Jake. You are so absurd. I just want to close by saying that, yes, owning guns is all right with the proper restrictions in place but, no, I do not think that it is necessary to carry a gun with you at all times. Gunfire isn't the best solution in most situations. In most cases of rape, sinking cruise ships, and terrorism, the average person with a gun is not going to come out on top, and in cases where some wacko attacks random bystanders with no warning, you are basically dead anyway. Assailants and murderers are usually crazy survivalist-types or unmedicated schizophrenics who are obsessed with guns and know how to use them, and by the time they barge into the lady's restroom at Denny's, guns a'blazing, they already have a plan and will execute said plan before any of the potential victims have the chance to fumble for their own weapon.

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