Showing posts with label heidi montag. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heidi montag. Show all posts

I Miss You, Heidi

By Jake

A year or two ago, “The Hills” star Heidi Montag was America’s sweetheart. She was what we all wanted to be: beautiful, young, blond and talentless-yet-famous. Then she made the crucial mistake of so many of our idols--she got massive plastic surgery. She probably thought it would lengthen her career and not stop it in its tracks. Heidi Montag is nothing if not misguided.

Honestly, I never have seen the television program “The Hills,” outside of clips of it on “The Soup.” I am a 28-year-old male, not a 14-year-old girl, so I do not watch any shows on MTV. Yet, I miss Heidi Montag. She tried so hard and it was always good for a laugh. Remember her singing career? That was fantastic. She was a bumbling celebrity. She was the Inspector Clouseau of TV reality stars.

Now, all she is known for is the plastic surgery. She turned herself into a Frankenstein’s monster, when all she wanted to be was famous for nothing. Being famous for nothing is currently fairly easy to obtain in our culture. Looks at the Kardashians. I have no idea what they do, other than have a TV show. I know that Kim had sex with Brandy’s brother, Ray J, but outside of that there is no reason any of them are famous--and is that really a reason? Heidi Montag tried to do other things, which, in an odd way, is commendable.

Heidi Montag is a Jesus freak. Her husband, Spencer Pratt, almost became a cyber detective once. That is one of my all-time favorite celebrity rumors. Remember when Spencer freaked out because they removed the labels off of Heidi’s shampoo bottles on Survivor? All of that and she also starred on a heavily scripted “reality” show on MTV.

I say we give Heidi another shot. Let her join the cast of some dumb show like “The Real Houswives of Beverly Hills.” We don’t watch it anyway, so why not let her be on it while we’re not watching it? She is better than most reality stars because she tries to be famous for something and we can all derive some pleasure from that when it ends up being an awkward failure. Now that Michael Jackson has died, we need somebody else with massive plastic surgery to badmouth, but it is not fair unless they are famous. Heidi Montag is not famous right now, but hopefully someday soon she will be and I will be making fun of her once again in my weekly entertainment article.

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

I don't follow entertainment news as much as I used to. For some reason Charlie Rose insists on interviewing important political figures. I believe Heidi Montag has even been blacklisted from his show for her controversial views on the Uyghur nationalism movement.

Speaking of persecution,
Paris Hilton Arrested for Cocaine Possession
Is there no justice in the world now? Doing cocaine is perfectly legal in the United States, but Paris Hilton has been arrested because she is famous and beautiful. Between this and the time she was questioned at the World Cup for "smoking marijuana" (another victimless crime), the misguided war on drugs is ruining the lives of our young people. Paris is 29.

Zoe Saldana Gets Even More Intimate for Calvin Klein Underwear
Don't ask me who Zoe Saldana is or how a Calvin Klein underwear video advertisement can be construed as intimacy. I just like that all Calvin Klein is only using Van Morrison music in the company's advertisements now. It captures the right mood - sexual, horn-based and for older people. Zoe Saldana probably downloaded all of VM's music when she got a job as a professional clothes model for CK.

Costar Dishes on Steamy Sex Scene with George Clooney
Violante Placido has a very graphic sex scene with George Clooney in the new children's film The American. Full details are not known, but People.com reports there are elements of scatalogy and sadism reminiscent of Caligua's reign. She was really excited to have sex with him though because there is full penetration and he's a handsome, rich celebrity. In the movie he plays an American.

Usher on His Marriage: I Don't Regret Anything

Usher, the rapper and professional wedding usher, admitted from his jail cell that he didn't regret killing his ex-wife and her friend. He said that he loved her while they were married, but "we're two different people. And we have two different goals. It just was never going to work out 100 percent." So he murdered her.



Scott Baio is a right-wing idiot!
You might have heard this story or missed it when you went one week without checking Huffington Post, Gawker and other internet tabloids. Scott Baio did his taxes this year (on what income? -ed.) and then complained about paying them, making him as insightful as my own father. He subsequently sent out a picture of Michelle Obama looking like the shrill black woman she is and then said he wasn't racist because his wife's best friend is black. The whole episode convinced many people to start hating Italians.

Another right-wing celebrity
Janine Turner, the actress best known for her role on the television series “Northern Exposure, appeared at a tea party rally or something like it. She said, “they don’t want our children to know about their rights. They don’t want our children to know about a God!” Now, Janine Turner does not have the star power of an accomplished actor like Jon Voight or an overrated bore like Kelsey Grammar but hell if she hasn't put her money where her mouth is. She runs this site called Constituting America, which pretends to be about our "founding" (?) but is really just an excuse to spout right-wing bullshit. Let's hope Usher calls Janine Turner too.

See you next week!