Good Morning Michael Jackson

By Keelin 



Good morning to everyone here on earth and in heaven. And by those in heaven, I of course mean Michael Jackson, who died one year ago today. (Unless he's secretly still alive as some YouTube videos suggest). Those of you who were alive one year ago may remember the devastation that gripped America upon the passing of this cultural icon. Those of you not alive a year ago probably can't read this anyway, so your value to society and this website is marginal at best.

Michael Jackson entertained the world for decades with his singing, dancing, and dermatology. And the anniversary of his death has hit us hard once again. In Denver, a polar bear named Frosty died of grief yesterday ("grief" is the lay term for "renal disease"). Mariah Carey, meanwhile, is dealing with this loss by buying all of Michael Jackson's old furniture and festooning it with butterflies and glitter. She read about this treatment in the DSM-IV.

Today's MJ Weather Forecast



Unfortunately, it's impossible to know the weather forecast because all the news networks are playing montages of Michael Jackson's videos on an endless loop. I'd say it looks kind of overcast right now, but I can't be sure since repetitive listening of "Thriller" has dulled my analytical abilities.

Today's MJ Fact



Unless you are Joe Jackson, there is probably nothing about Michael Jackson that you don't already know.

Today's MJ Prediction



You will see at least one guy dressed as Michael Jackson on your way to work. A little part of you will die inside.

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One Year In Texas Talk 6-16-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

Fascism v Communism

Yeah, I wanted to call in about this a couple weeks ago, but the machine was full. Uh, there was a painting a high school kid did near me that caused a stir when it was taken down by the school. It was a pink and purple depiction of Obama with a hammer and sickle in the back ground. The school thought hanging it was a reflection on them, but by taking it down, they're now infringing on the artist's rights! This is America, and I know everybody's got their own opinion of Obama, but they've turned this communist statement into a fascist act! It's the mother of all ironies.


Link to the story.

Everybody's Barking At Me

Last week there was an advice letter from Cocolalla, Idaho, in The Mailbox of my paper, and the young lady was talking about the dogs barking in her neighborhood. I’m not sure I don’t live in her neighborhood, actually. I can’t step out on my own deck without having dogs on three sides barking at me. I’ve tried to convince them I’ve lived here since before they were born, but they don’t seem to get the message. Anyway, just wanted to comment that we do seem to have an awful lot of barking dogs in this town, and I don’t think putting shock collars on the dogs is going to do it — probably need shock collars on the people who own them.

Putting Their Faith in God and Obama

I feel like, with all the indifference going on in this world right now, there is somebody who truly loves America, and that is Barack Obama. And I, in turn, love Barack Obama. And I believe he inherited chaos to begin with. It’s not his fault. And the people who fault him are ignorant people, and I pray God’s angels would be around him to protect him and his family forevermore.

Please Don't Stop Saying It

I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Calling Margot Fonteyn a dancer is like calling Julia Child a cook. Margot Fonteyn was a prima ballerina renowned all over the world.

A 21st Century Tar-and-Feathering

I’m beginning to think if we would take all the people responsible for the spill and sit them in the oil, all covered from head to toe, maybe cleanup would happen a bit faster.

Vasectomies are like abortions because...?

I saw a letter in the paper from someone who was very much in favor of requiring that women requesting an abortion receive extensive information regarding the fetus and the procedure they were about to undertake. I’ll support that when our legislature passes a law that before a vasectomy is undertaken, the person undergoing the vasectomy has to watch a six-hour movie about the imaginary lives of all the children they won’t be able to create.

If Obama is Michael Jackson, that makes Bobby Jindal ______?

On May 11 Gov. Jindal of Louisiana called the federal government and the White House trying to get permission to build berms to protect the sensitive marshlands in Louisiana. It’s been more than three weeks, and the federal government and Obama administration haven’t done anything to issue all those permits. They’ve only gotten six approved of the 24 they applied for. If they’re trying to do everything possible to stop this catastrophe, they would allow Gov. Jindal to build those berms to protect those sensitive wildlife areas. Instead, all they do is go down there for photo opportunities, leave and go back up to Washington and party like it’s 1999.

This is turning into a whale of a debate!

Yeah, hi Texas Talk. Listen, do you think you could set me up with the person who called in about salting the great lakes? I own a salt company up-start out here in Utah and I'd be more than happy to get that contract. Thank you.
[OYIT cannot set you up because this is an anonymous line. We don't even have a caller ID log.]

Stop torturing him with your ignorance!

Why do people keep calling-in about this whale idea in Michigan? Did everyone forget their Bio 101 class in high school? Has no one been to a pet store and tried to buy saltwater fish for a freshwater tank? Didn't they stop you? Or heck, even go to an aquarium or zoo! You'll notice that they have salt and fresh water fish tanks! This is not hard to understand, people. Salting the Great Lakes has consequences! To use a quote from pop culture, "this ain't Sea World. This is as real as it gets!"

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