Top Ten Unsuccessful Pickup Lines

By Bub

It’s Valentine’s Day and many single One Year In Texas readers are out at bars trying to forge a physical human bond with a stranger. Many more have never even attempted a social conversation with a person of the opposite sex. Here is a list that should be helpful to people in either of these lonely, pitiful groups. Avoid these first communications at all costs:


10. “Pardon me miss, is this your wallet? (Presenting your wallet to her).”

9. “Will you be my Valenstern?”

8. “I’m new in town. And I’m stranded, and I just need forty dollars for a bus ticket to go visit my sick cousin in Milwaukee, and you can have this Super Nintendo if you help me out. (Not mentioning it has no controllers, and is broken, and has blood on it).”

7. “Can I touch your hair?”

6. “Hello (said under the guise of a cough while covering your mouth).”

5. “Pardon me miss, is this your wallet? (Presenting a coaster to her).”

4. “Oh sure, I like Mumford and Sons alright, but I prefer their earlier work when they were Mumford and Nonviable Zygotes. (In response to a question no one has asked).”

3. “Can you please stop touching me with your hair? (Sitting a considerable distance away from her).”

2. “Have you ever heard of Dengue Fever? (Then, immediately) Me neither…”

1. “Pardon me miss, is this your wallet? (Presenting her the wallet she just dropped, while you’re crying uncontrollably from despair).”