Existential Meditations - It's You

By Bub

You come out of a coma to realize you are 80 years old. You look the same you did the last time you have a memory, and so does everything else. You are at your old job as a host at Denny's. Everyone tells you you are not 80 years old and that you were never in a coma. They insist Moons Over My Hammy still exists, even though you know it went extinct when the asteroid that caused your coma hit the Earth decades ago. You have a stroke and fall into a coma. An asteroid hits the Earth.

You are studying for a test. You are enrolled in a course on building land mines. You feel that your heart is not in it, and you realize how far you've strayed from your ideals. You quit land mine school and start your own business. You become the industry leader in grenades and grenade accessories.

You think of the thing that scares you most. You check your hands and are reassured that they are not feet.

You are on a deserted island. Luckily, you have brought the one book that you hypothetically would take with to a desert island. You start exploring, and realize you are actually on Manhattan. There are people everywhere. You drop the stack of 'Zumba Fitness' flyers you had been carrying.

You are taking a train trip around the world. You make it to the Bering Strait before the ticket inspector begins his rounds. You fidget nervously in your seat as the inspector approaches. You are relieved as the box car plunges into the Bering Sea.

A flying saucer hovers above the city. You try to throw a rock at it, and the rock begins to hover as well. You throw a garbage can toward it, and the garbage can hovers. You get on your hoverboard, but the engine is dead.

You decide the world is going to end in one week. You sign up for the 'Zumba Fitness' class you had always wanted to take. That makes you feel good enough, and you do not attend any classes. A week goes by. Nothing happens. You do it all over again.

You are at the fanciest restaurant in the world. It is located in a remote highland region of Papua New Guinea. You order a $40,000 bowl of live crickets. They have been imported from the finest pet stores in the world. You have no intention of paying for it, or of eating the crickets. Nor do you intend to go to the fanciest restaurant in the world or even visit Papua New Guinea. You come to, you have had a stroke. You are at your job as a host at Denny's. Everyone is very concerned, not for your health condition, but because an asteroid has hit the Earth, and there is now a flying saucer hovering above the city.


  1. I always get so happy at the last meditation. It makes me not despise my job hostessing at Denny's so much.

  2. I love theses so much. so fucking much.

  3. These are great. I finally agree with Glenn on something, other than the restorative effects of hyperbolic chambers.