By Jake and Glenn
Academy Awards come around every year like clockwork, and like
clockwork it is very tedious and meticulous. This year, the Academy of
Motion Pictures and Science have once again nominated ten pictures for
“Best Picture of the Year,” because there were just so many great films
released in 2011. The loss of Academy voters is your gain and also your
loss, because there are so many films we have to write about.
says...This silent biopic about Prince (AKA: The Artist, The
Artist Formerly Known as Prince, and that symbol) is the most
pretentious film nominated this year. Why would they make a film about a
singer as a silent movie in the first place? Why would they even make a
silent movie? Sound was invented in the 1920s! I cannot see this
movie winning, and if it does, I will never attend a live Billy Crystal
says... Personally I prefer silent movies. I think sound
distracts you from the experience of getting a handjob while in junior
high from your transgender date. The Academy, however, has a long
history of giving Best Picture awards to “soundies” and this means The
Artist will not win.
says...The only thing I needed help with during this movie
was not breaking out into spontaneous applause. What a film! Emma
Stone radiates on the screen like 100 nuclear bombs going off
simultaneously. I told Glenn, moments before the nominations were
announced, that if “The Help” didn’t receive one, I was going to fucking
kill myself. Thankfully, it received one!
says... This was easily the least racist movie of 2011 - in
fact it was actually against racism! Movies about domestic servants and
helping people usually do very well with Oscar voters. The Beatles
film “Help!” was nominated and won for Best Score in 1965, though it did
not address the growing movement for civil rights. Jim Carrey’s
girlfriend Emma Stone shined in this film and surely will go on to play
other Civil Rights icons like Rosa Parks and Ruby Dee. Keep your eye on
The Help and keep your eye on the help.
says...If there was an Oscar for time-based puns, this movie
would surely win. I would say that it is a longshot to win the Best
Picture award, though. Don’t get me wrong, this film was great. Justin
Timberlake was transcendent as the man with time on his arm and Amanda
Seyfried was beautiful as the woman with time on her arm. I’m glad they
both were nominated. Great film, but it won’t win.
says... My dream scenario involves Academy Awards for puns of
various types, but certainly if there was a category for time-based
puns, In Time would run out the clock on all other contenders. In this
movie everyone is age 27, including mother/son,
grandfather/granddaughter, etc. Although no overt incest is show, it is
implied. This kind of reality would allow gerontophilia to flourish.
These controversial issues alone disqualify In Time from being a true
Oscar contender, which is a shame based its class war message is exactly
what the proletariat needs to hear right now.
says...When I first lined up to see this film at my local
multiplex, I thought I was watching a biopic of my favorite
coffee-fueled punk band. To my surprise, this was not a movie about the
band The Descendants, but rather a movie starring George Clooney as a
man with a wife in a coma. I like comas as next as the next man, but
even that was not enough to overcome my disappointment. Movies named
after punk bands never win Oscars, which is why “Contagion” changed its
name from “The Germs,” although it was not even nominated!
says... This movie was wonderful and on a personal level
forced me to acknowledge my Hawaiian ancestors. Clooney has “laid” over
50% of the voting Academy members, but having sex with someone is not
the only way to win his/her support. For the Descendants to walk away
with the Best Picture award, the War Horse will have to trample a few
members of the general public and one of the cars will have to
accidentally drive into the literal tree of life.
says...A movie about baseball statistics? Well, you might be
able to add “1 Best Picture Oscar” to the back of this movie’s trading
says...This movie is another based on the wonderful books of
Michael Lewis. They take complex issues and put them into simple
narrative stories so that the people of Middle America and those of us with
IQ belows 65/serious brain damage can understand things like the
wisdom of credit swap defaults or signing no-name
pitchers who statistically are more likely to give up fewer ground rule
doubles. This film will not win because no one likes baseball in
says...Movies about horses generally do not get nominated for
Academy Awards. Did “Racing Stripes” get nominated? No! What about
“Hot to Trot”? Sadly, it was robbed. So finally a movie about horses
is nominated, and it also had to be about war. War movies always get
nominated. So when they remake “Racing Stripes,” they better make sure
the horse gets drafted to fight the Vietnam war.
says... Six months ago I would have said this movie was DOA.
But in the past few weeks the horse_ebooks guerrilla campaign on
Twitter has resurrected “War Horse” as a possible contender. This
animated film is about a horse (voiced by the horse who played Black
Beauty) who quits an unlikely career in the NFL to fight with the Army
in Afghanistan before being killed by fellow soldiers who didn’t want to
serve with a horse. Given the similarities to the Pat Tillman Story -
and that movie’s failure to win Best Documentary, I don’t think “War
Horse” will take this one either.
says...*beep beep* Get out of the way for this year’s best
animated picture! Pixar’s “Cars 2” has become known as the most
essential sequel in film history. Watch the cars race, watch the cars
watch cars race, watch the cars have mouths and talk. If you did not
enjoy the original “Cars” film, you probably would still enjoy this one.
That is how good it is. “Cars 2” is the “Terminator 2” of animated
movies about vehicles.
says... When I heard they were remaking Cars 2 I shrieked in
horror, not unlike my reaction to other famous sequels: Beneath the
Planet of the Apes, CHUD II: Bud the Chud and Cars 2. And just as I
suspected, this sequel paled into the comparison to the original. It is
nominated because the Academy wants more children to stay up until
11:30pm EST watching the Oscar telecast until the Best Picture award is
given. But I think this is foolish because it degrades the category and
kids will already being staying up late to watch Billy Crystal speak
The Tree of Life
says...When I read that Hollywood was going to make a movie
about the trees from “The Lord of the Rings” series, I was in. Those
trees were amazing. For years, people said you couldn’t make a movie
about trees. It is why the Julia “Butterfly” Hill biopic has had its
production delayed for so long. Hopefully, with this film getting some
recognition more movies about trees will be developed.
says... This was, by far, the most controversial nomination
of a film for Best Picture since Salò (120 Days of Sodom). Though Tree
of Life also had extended scenes that made people quite uncomfortable,
it had just as many thoughtful, small father-son moments between Brad
Pitt and any of those great child actors that children around the
country loved “how realistic” it was. No controversial film has ever
won an Academy Award though, so a message to Terrance Malick: put less
dinosaurs in your next film unless it’s the prequel to the reboot of
Jurassic Park or Dinosaur Train IV.
Jack & Jill
says...Everybody knows the famous fairy tale about Jack and
Jill going up a hill, but did you know that it was also a movie released
in 2011? Adam Sandler stars as both Jack and Jill and received both a
best actor and a best actress nomination. Now, I don’t think he will
win for best actor, but he is a shoe-in for best actress. This movie is
a heartfelt and touching story of twins, much like the film “Twins,”
but not as pretentious. Seeing as “Twins” picked up the Best Picture
award, I could really see “Jack & Jill” picking one up too. The
Academy has twin fever!
says...No one is more surprised at this nomination than
Sandler himself. Internet rumors said he found out Jack + Jill was
nominated for best picture while traveling to visit the Pope in Vatican
City. This was before the huge American controversy about whether or
not religions institutions can kill women who take birth control during a
waxing moon. It is an issue of religious liberty that I support, but I
cannot support the nomination of a secular movie like Jack + Jill.
Hopefully the Academy, an increasingly fundamentalist Mormon group,
will not either.
says...This Hugo Boss biopic has a good chance at winning. I
read that Hugo Boss sent some really great baskets to all of the
members of the Academy. Nothing wrong with adding a little grease to
the wheel, right? Hey, if Hugo Boss would send me some cargo pants or
whatever they make, then I’d pick this as my favorite, too.
says... This film was directed by Martin Scorsese, the single
greatest male director to ever live. (The best director of either
gender is Sophia Coppola.) This puts Hugo at an advantage and I have to
say that without a doubt it will win the award for Best Picture.
says...”Jack & Jill” is going to sweep the Oscars this
year, I guarantee it. No movie was funnier or had as much heart as this
Adam Sandler twin vehicle. “The Help” could have used some help from
Mr. Sandler’s expert comedic voice. I heard they did not even ask him
to do a pass at the script! Although, I do find that hard to believe.
“Cars 2” was a popular movie, but I do not think the academy can relate
to cars, most of them have suspended licenses due to DUIs.
says... I pick The Help. It’s the only
film that had no controversy surrounding it. The rich white bourgeois
scum of Hollywood will feel good about their blacklists, anti-semitism,
lynchings, etc. if they award Best Picture to a film that is so ardently
pro-civil rights and pro-equality. Plus Emma Stone is the next big
thing! Bon Iver wrote an album to her in 2007 and she has peaked in
2011-2012. She is starring in the next Cars movie voicing a feminine
car. All of these things combine to make Help your guaranteed Best
Picture winner. Tune into the Grammys February 12th at sundown to see!
2009 Oscar Picks
2010 Oscar Picks
2011 Oscar Picks