One Year In Texas Talk 6-09-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

So it's been a few weeks since I posted which means our machine is full. My sincerest apologies for anyone trying to call-in over the last week to talk about the Gore's breaking up, Rush Limbaugh's wedding, Blanch Lincoln's contrived southern accent, or Helen Thomas' remarks on Israel. If you call back this week, I promise to post old topics next week!

In the meantime, the whale post from last month has set off a raging debate!

Thinking Outside-of-the-Box

Thank God OYIT is providing a forum for outside-of-the-box thinking! That whale idea is stupendous, and I want to add to it. You know that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that's killing all the wildlife in the ocean? Well let's save those whales and pelicans and take them to the Great Lakes. The best part of this is that we can do it on BP's dime! This is totally in the realm of "legitimate claims" that that limy CEO is talking about. Plus, a revitalization of Michigan's car industry economy will only help BP in the long run.

Are You Serious?

This site was developing a pretty solid reputation and then you go and post shit by anonymous callers who want to put whales in the fucking Great Lakes and kill all the Muslims! Are you serious? You're just having a laugh at the dopes' expense. It's not funny. It's sad. You people are sick. I mean, salting the Great Lakes? Hello? That would do more damage than this damn oil spill ever could to the Gulf! Sit down and take this history lesson I am about to shove down your throats: after the Romans defeated Carthage in the Third Punic War they FUCKING SALTED THE FIELDS OF NORTHERN AFRICA SO NOTHING WOULD GROW!!! Salt the waters of the Great Lakes and you won't have to worry about Michigan's next governor being Canadian: he will be Momar Qadhafi!

Legalize it!

Yeah, did y'all see that clip on the internet about the SWAT team in Missouri that invaded that house and shot them dogs? Well that was pretty stupid I think. If y’all legalize marijuana, you wouldn’t have to call a SWAT team out to eradicate it and shoot innocent dogs and terrorize innocent people. Thank you. Legalize marijuana.

Context for our readers:


Another History Lesson

I think we ought to learn our lesson back in the Revolutionary War, when we fought those stinkin’, dirty British. Maybe we wouldn’t have British Petroleum spreading the biggest oil slick in the world. And we Americans should get it through our head that that’s the reason all the Muslims hate Americans — because those stinkin’ Brits over there steal everything they can get their hands on. And if there is a tea party, I damn sure don’t belong to it.

A "Colorblind" Racist?

I’m Irish. My relatives came here from Ireland in the 1800s. The only natives here are the Indians. Everybody else has an immigrant family, but we’re legal. That’s the complaint here. It’s not that they’re Mexican or Iranian or Japanese or any other race. It’s people coming here illegally. Why does that have to be spelled out like people are second-graders? These people should go through the right channels and get their papers.

Mother of All Conspiracies

Hello, Texas Talk? Yeah, I was thinking the other day when I was at the capitol building with my local group of Tea Partiers from Charleston, South Carolina, uh, you might remember the city where the first shot of the Civil War was fired at Fort Sumpter? Yeah, we'll do it again. Anyway, we was there protesting the government take over of our Medicare and Veterans' Hospitals and our Kenyan-born president when it hit me like a buckin' burrow: BP put Obama into office so they could blow up their oil rig and get away with it. Think about it. Kenya was under British control when Obama was born there. BP used to be called British Petroleum. The Brits kidnapped this Obama kid, took him to Hawaii and printed those birth announcements. They made sure he went to them Ivy League schools. How else could a poor, black kid get into those schools? Obama is the Welsh Candidate, if you've heard of that commie movie. I prefer Frank Sinatra to Denzel Washington myself, but the remake with that character as a black only makes more sense now. Don't you see? Orly Taitz is only scratching the surface. We shouldn't be worried about a Chinese flag waving over the USA. We need to worry about the Union Jack!


This photo arrived in our mailbag about the same time we received his call. He must have sent it in.

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Good morning HEALTH CARE

By Glenn 

Good morning. It's so rare I can wish you a good morning in the shadow of such great news. It seems like every time I'm excited to write this column a space shuttle explodes or the Republicans win a special election somewhere in this great land. Now I have the distinct pleasure of telling you that yesterday HISTORIC health care reform passed the US House of Representatives, with some of the writers from this website casting the deciding votes to get us to 219 and secure passage. It should be smooth sailing from here on out, with a simple up or down vote needed in the US Senate and then our President's Kenyan, left-handed illegitimate signature.

[Let's talk about all good things this morning, okay?]


Today's Weather
Online video chat by Ustream
Look at this LIVE STREAM of some sort of self-aware camera staged right at the Red River in downtown Grand Forks. The river, like health care costs, has been contained! The beloved downtown where I spent so many months killing homeless people and artists is free of standing water. Our old campaign office remains along with the painful memories of the artists who perished there. I'm not saying this flood won't ruin lives - and it probably already has - but I just wanted to highlight this bit of good news.


Today's Right Wing Reaction
One of the nice things about health care reform passing the House yesterday is that it also means those opposed to Obama, the Democratic Party and liberalism are very frustrated. This will seem a lot less funny when this frustration turns into violence, but for now let's make some light of it.

First up, the Orange Goblin himself, John Boehner:

This guy becomes manic at the thought of spending money to provide health care to almost all citizens of the United States. I'd say his face is turning red, but he's already orange. That's practically a shade of red.

Next is a lovely message from Dale Robertson – Founder/President Tea Party/TeaParty.org:

What did we expect from national socialists?

Arm twisting, threats, buying votes and political dirty tricks are now the normal operating procedure for the new regime.

The Obama putsch has taken roots and is thriving in the new era of the expanded welfare state. The American people said NO, Conservatives said NO, but it makes no difference when the oligarchy says; ‘Yes we can’ in spite of the will of the people.

First they came for our wellness; our health-care fell into their hands.

If we stop the madness and restore America now we can halt the bleeding of our freedom. However, if we don’t, then keep reading and learn what will happen next.

Next they will come for our sovereignty and our beloved nation will be flooded with millions of illegal aliens further converting America into a socialist state.

Then they will come for our guns, and our gun rights will falls into their hands.

After that they will come for more taxes, collection of healthcare premiums, along with penalties and fees will be heaped upon the American public. A new form of debtor’s prison will emerge, not of walls, bars and cells, but the loss of rights. Privileges will be rewarded to those who obey while the disobedient are punished by privilege banishment.

Subsequently they will come for our money, currency will disappear. Taxes, income and expense will be deemed to volatile and too complicated to manage. America will turn into a cashless and currency less government controlled geographic contained society.

Finally, they will come for our homes. Every house becomes guaranteed and insured by the federal government and by doing so, becomes an asset of the state. Homeownership will be an illusion, home ownership in name only.

The thrill of risk and reward will vanish in a cloud of the greatest good, and free enterprise will become the unwilling slave of the new enlighten order.

Yes America, change is in the wind, for this is what you voted for and this is exactly what you got. Congratulations.

Codicil: To restore our beloved nation from the pestilence of National Socialism and liberal extremism we must rise up, pledge our life, liberty and sacred honor. We must vote them out! We must file law suits to stop egregious legislation. We must march in protest. Most of all, we must build our ranks, recruit, grow, and train our members on how to restore our nation. We must not be afraid of this task, for this is our land; our nation and our heritage, freedom is our national treasure. Our freedom, liberty and self governance have fallen upon our shoulders and it will be our effort that will stop the greatest runway government in history.

I hope you didn't read all of that because I know I didn't. We really don't need that kind of vile nonsense in our lives. I do want to point out that this rambling, paranoid diatribe literally begins with calling the Democratic Party Nazis. You gotta admire the bravery to use that in the first line, but it kind of mutes the outrage of the proceeding lines.


Today's Kitten Picture

This kitten just found out that it could stay on its mother's feline health insurance until it is twenty-six in cat years.


Today's Box Office News
Though no one should be happy that Alice in Wonderland earns millions of dollars, there is some silver lining to be had in looking at this weekend's box office news.

And Jude Law and Forest Whitaker's action thriller "Repo Men" flopped, debuting at #4 opening with just $6.2 million. Law plays a repo man on the run in a future where organs are bloodily repossessed if patients miss their payments.

The amazing Stephanie Zacharek of Salon.com says it better about Repo Men here than I could, but let's just say I was disappointed in the film. It's not worth seeing and it looks like people are learning that without making the same mistake my sister and I did.


Today's Prediction
In the next week THE US SENATE will pass via reconciliation the fixes needed to its original bill. This will cause John Boehner's head to explode, with pumpkin seeds flying all over the Republican House caucus - who had assembled to see a special screening of Repo Men. The team had intended to use the film's dystopian health care vision as a campaign tool against the Democrats, but recoil when the the public says "NO!" to Jude Law. That kitten will be the only casualty in the Red River flood of 2010. Sorry girls, but at least Dale Robertson - Founder/President Tea Party/TeaParty.org- is still around:

What a dreamboat!

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