Showing posts with label chelsea clinton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chelsea clinton. Show all posts

Happy Birthday Barack Obama!

By Glenn 

If you know me - if you've looked into my eyes and seen into my soul - you know that I have very contradictory, some would say politicized, views about birthdays. They can be a source of joy and a source of so much pain. Today I wanted to shine a light on one of the great reasons to celebrate: Barack Obama's 49th birthday!



That's right, the first African American National Socialist President of the United States is now one year away from the dreaded 5-0. I assume he's already had his mid-life crisis and that's what ultimately led him to run for President in the first place. Plus he loves his family, so I'm not worried about him having an affair with Chelsea Clinton in order to "feel young" again.



It was forty-nine years ago today that in a small hut in Kenya, Barack Obama was born of a jackal. The village elders, experts on the US Constitution and how this child's African birth could hinder his eventual ascent to the presidency, immediately called up their counterparts in Hawaii and had a fake birth announcement placed in the Honolulu Gazette. The jackal was killed and Barack Obama was placed with a white woman who had been groomed for this role, much like Sigourney Weaver's character in Ghostbusters 2. Who wouldn't want to be mother of the future President of the One World Government?



Sadly Barack Obama will not be able to enjoy this special day with his family, as they are out of town. Michelle and Sasha are vacationing in Spain while his daughter Malia is at sleepaway camp. As for Obama's plans himself?
The President’s birthday schedule won’t be that busy. First, he will go home, to Chicago.

There, he will visit the Ford car factory. In the evening, President Obama plans to have dinner with a few friends.

He will spend the night in his old apartment.
Don't tell Barack but his wife is trying to organize a surprise birthday card for him. Click here to sign it, and it will be given to him right after his speech next week when he announces that this November's elections are postponed until further notice.



Sign it and wish him well - this could be one of the last birthdays he has if the tea party gets its way!

One Week in Entertainment

By Glenn 

Writing about entertainment is almost as easy as being an entertainer. It takes no formal education or special skills, just a pretty face and a willingness to sink lower than any of your competitors. Every week the goal of my column is to make Perez Hilton look like The Economist in comparison. Tell me if it's working.

As the most fitting segue, Kings of Leon the band were forced to cancel a show in my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri last week because a pigeon pooped in the lead singer's mouth. In New York, that's the nicest thing a pigeon can do to you and even in Missouri it's taken as a "good sign." You can't stop creating art because something shits in your mouth - some of the best art involves shit!

Speaking of, King of Queens was a television show about the NYC Borough I'm moving to. One of its more talented stars, Leah Remini (who plays the Queen of Queens, in a manner of speaking), has completed or will complete at least two different comedy projects in addition to appearing CBS's "The View" knock-off with the love of my life Sara Gilbert. Leah Remini is the new hardest working woman in show business.

Another hard working person in show business is Jim Belushi. He has a new show called "The Defenders" with Jerry O'Connell, who I've always liked. Since David Cross was a special comedian to me during my formative years, I hate Jim Belushi just like he does. Ultimately I hope the show fails but maybe Jerry can move onto something better. It is about lawyers in Las Vegas.

Ellen DeGeneres quit American Idol, much like Michael Jordan retired from basketball in 1997. She will be focusing on her talk show and a little minor league baseball. Why she felt the need to take on another project in addition to her very popular talk show is beyond me. I guess she likes money too! Just like Sara Gilbert.

Now some positive news: Rob Lowe will be joining Parks and Rec full-on as a cast member when the show comes back. He was previously playing a Indianan bureaucratic version of his character in Thank You For Smoking, but hopefully it will be sussed out. Also, the October 14th episode of 30 Rock will be filmed inside 30 Rock. I worked briefly in Rockefeller Center earlier this summer and should be making a cameo on the show.

There is a new DVD-selling strategy happening on Amazon. Amongst some of our favorite stars and directors, you can get 4-movies-in-1 packages, such as this one by Sylvester Stallone. I never thought I would be able to get Stallone movies for $1.88, including Demolition Man - the movie he did most likely to come true. Even more so than Rambo or the one about his mom shooting you.

Finally, the wedding event of the SEASON is today in Rhinebeck, New York. It's an old-money town two hours north of NYC and the perfectly secluded spot for the daughter of two former US Presidents to marry someone she met in college. I don't know if weddings are right or wrong, but I know there is nothing more exciting than watch two younger-ish people getting married in front of their friends and the watchful eye of the political-entertainment media. One day when my nephew marries one of Obama's daughters, I hope I am invited to the wedding. I will use it as an opportunity to speak out on robot rights and why we should recognize our moon colony's declaration of independence.

Good Morning Chelsea Clinton

By Keelin 



Good morning, Chelsea. And, OMG, I hear you're totally getting married tomorrow! First of all, congratulations. We here at OYIT have pooled our resources to send you a lovely ceramic bowl from your registry and a python. Feel free to use them together or separately. Whichever you prefer. Secondly, do not panic. Sure, these nuptials are as stressful as a raid on Fallujah circa 2005, but nobody likes a stressed-out bride. So keep that in mind when someone is taking your picture with a telephoto lens from half a mile away.

Today's Chelsea Weather


Chelsea is allegedly getting married in upstate New York, which is lovely this time of year except for those freak thunderstorms that strike at the most inopportune moments, leaving you shivering and wet and clearing before you can even find a bridal tarp to duck under.

Today's Chelsea Etiquette Tips



Some guests may be wondering how to behave at this kind of exclusive and rare celebration. Here are a few tips:

+ DO: Greet the bride and groom at the reception.

+ DON'T: Tweet your prediction of how long the marriage will last.

+ DO: Compliment Bill on rescuing those journalists from North Korea.

+ DON'T: Ask Hillary why her sanctions on Pyongyang have failed to produce any notable political or social changes in the region.

+ DO: Arrive on time and cooperate with all security procedures.

+ DON'T: Pull out a handgun and ask why liberals hate the second amendment.

Today's Chelsea Mystery Guest



That's right -- it's Kim Jong-Il! He gives the best presents.

Today's Chelsea Prediction



Chelsea and what's-his-face will have a wonderful life together. One day, as predicted, Chelsea will decide to embark on a political career of her own. In order to avoid the long shadow of her parents, she will relocate to Canada. After much campaigning and hard work, she will become princess of Ottawa.