RL Stine's #1 Fan

By Jake

This was a performance art piece I performed in the winter of 2002. I played the part of the lovable Goosebumps' titles spouting Num1RLstineFan. He is tormented by his own inner demons and in a downward spiral due to perpetual heroin abuse. This was his last cry for help, but was he to be taken seriously? No. Nothing I ever do is taken seriously. Yesterday I took an aspirin. Even that wasn't taken seriously.

Playing the part of the confused ADL1382 is none other than Judith Light (of Who's the Boss? fame). In this Judith stunningly captured a person who had no idea what was happening. She acted as if she didn't spend her childhood reading Goosebumps books. She won the hearts of the audience at our only performance (The Special Winter Olympics of 2002).

Num1RLstineFan: (Covered by shadows) Hi, Let's Get Invisible.
ADL1382: (confused) Come again?
Num1RLstineFan: Nothing (he smirks), just saying Welcome to Camp Nightmare.
ADL1382: Well thank you.
Num1RLstineFan: You're very welcome. (Places finger on chin inquisitively) Does the 'A' in your name stand for Abominable Snowman of Pasadena?
ADL1382: No, but the 'L' stands for the Little Old Lady from Pasadena. (The lights go off to signify the darkness ADL is feeling at this moment. Ominous drums are pounding unrhythmically while a woman screams shrilly) Do you mind if I ask who you are?
Num1RLstineFan: I'm RL Stine's number 1 fan.
(The lights explode on like a million bolts of lightning hitting all at once. The woman screams so loud that the audience has to cover their ears at the realization)
ADL1382: I gathered that much.
(The drums and screaming stop. Everything is way too quiet. The lights are blinding everyone, letting nobody see Num1RLstineFan.)
Num1RLstineFan: Do you possibly know How I Got My Shrunken Head.
ADL1382: Some of his best work. Do you have a name?
Num1RLstineFan: Yeah, of course. I also have a Haunted Mask.
ADL1382: What is your real name?
(The scream starts up again, more shrill than before. At this point the audience's ears are bleeding and they're beginning to leave.)
Num1RLstineFan: You're asking far too many questions. Why can't you just sit back and enjoy Ghost Camp?
ADL1382: Have i ever met you before?
Num1RLstineFan: Yeah.
ADL1382: When?
Num1RLstineFan: When we were at Ghost Beach.
(The screaming stops.)
ADL1382: I have been advised to "initiate cyber sex." (During the stage play it should be noted that this was changed to "initiate real sex" and a coat rack advises her to do it.)
Num1RLstineFan: From whom?
ADL1382: An adviser (a coat rack).
Num1RLstineFan: Who might your adviser be? Is he an Egg Monster From Mars?
ADL1382: No, but he thinks that Piano Lessons can be Murder.
(Thunder roars killing everybody in the audience.)
Num1RLstineFan: Oh, and they can.
ADL1382: I would love to continue this, but i am very tired and i must get up early tomorrow.
Num1RLstineFan: Well, goodNight of the Living Dummy

As you can see there are some fundamental flaws with this performance arts piece -- no feces for instance. It was not well received and the audience didn't follow their stage directions very well. Judith Light was great and backstage was a doll. She told me who the boss was, but I'm not allowed to say; you'll just have to watch the series finale to find out (there are several clues but they never outright say it).


  1. It's kind of hard to see where to comment now! It's almost hidden with all of the great stuff now on the blog.

    In other news, the real life inspiration for ADL1382 didn't seem to know how to use the internet to chat.

  2. This was funny, and you know that ADL1382 only had to get up early A.) to peruse local garage sales for Rush records. B.) drink growlers of pumpkin ale from Bent River in the woods with Nick. C.) Comb a Teddy Bear's Hair. Or D.) Mourn over the recent divorce of his parents.

  3. But I think the "Special Winter Olympics" line was plagiarized from Howard Stern.

  4. I'm not sure if it is or not. I do listen to Stern every day it's on now. My heros are Howard Stern, John Wayne Gacy (as a painter) and Theo Huxtable.

  5. All I wanted to do was FARK this, and I'm not even given the option. What kind of Horrorland is this?

  6. You can FARK it AIDSpops. You just have to click on the "more" option on the button. A pop-up window will open and it has FARK on there.

  7. I just had this convo by myself. Let's see you fucks FARK this shit.

    Num1RLstineFan: Stay Out of the Basement!
    me: okay
    who is this?
    Num1RLstineFan: This is the Ghost Next Door
    me: oh okay
    Num1RLstineFan: You're in Deep Trouble
    me: oh, I am?
    Num1RLstineFan: Yes, because the Scarecrow Walks at Midnight.
    me: oh no
    Num1RLstineFan: You better leave Ghost Camp
    me: i'm not at that, I gotta go to bed. I have 100 collective soul t-shirts to buy tomorrow.
    Num1RLstineFan: Goodnight, My Best Friend (is Invisible).
    me: goodnight