Debate: Should Marijuana be Legalized?

By Glenn & Jake 

Today is April 20th, 2010, also known as "4/20" in head shops and dorm rooms across America. 4:20 has become synonymous with smoking marijuana and the debate over whether to welcome marijuana into the annals of legalized drugs has become a hot button issue in both America and California. There is a stigma surrounding pot that may not be fair to the drug, but does that mean it should be legalized and given to children upon entering first grade? Or should the government stop investigating Al Qaeda cells around the world and instead devote those resources to arresting people who smoke a joint because they're dying of cancer? Fortunately these are not the only two positions to take, but they are two of the best. Jake and Glenn will now attempt to clear the haze surrounding marijuana legalization.

Glenn: I cannot support marijuana legalization and fear for the fate of our country if California passes their proposition in November to do so. Marijuana is a drug that distorts a person's sense of time and space. It is addictive. It is expensive. Marijuana, if legalized, would instantly be smoked by children as young as embryo as a way to "relax from their problems." I do not want our youngest, and thus most innocent, Americans corrupted by a drug that will make them so hungry and so into drug culture. Tommy Chong should not be a candidate for US Senate but if this country embraces marijuana as it has embraced professional wrestling we are sure to have another Jesse Ventura or Linda McMahon situation on our hands. I want marijuana to stay banned and the WWE to be outlawed. Thank you.

Jake: If the WWE was outlawed only outlaws would be in the WWE. Is that really what we want? It is not and neither is illegal marijuana. Pot is less dangerous than riding in a car, and that's a fact. Cigarettes are legal and everybody I have ever known has died because of smoking them. I have yet to meet a person who has died from "puffing on a reefer" and I work at a morgue. Cannibus has done nothing but good for our society from the jewelry that is created from the rope form of the drug to the song "Jump" by Van Halen, which was written by a stoned Sammy Hagar. If anything, it should be illegal to not smoke it. If I were President Obama, I would appoint Tommy Chong to the Supreme Court.

Glenn: Even a far-left group like the American Bar Association will not support Tommy Chong; plus it is a well-known fact Obama was elected President to gently nudge the court towards unrestrained executive power. Speaking of unrestrained, that is exactly the kind of America you and pro-pot advocates want. As famous philosopher Thomas Hobbes said, humans are inherently awful people that need rules in order to improve their lives. Part of being a member of society is consenting to the rules that comprise it and one of our rules is that marijuana is forbidden. This is how it has always has been, with the earliest recorded prohibition against drugs found in Leviticus Chapter 4: Verse 20. If everything that made people happy was legal, our police would have nothing to do. There would be no crime. Bob Dylan once said "People have a lot of forks and knives and they gotta cut something." We have a lot of prisons and we have to fill them with something - what better than nonviolent drug users?

Jake: The problem with imprisoning anybody caught toking up a j is that we have to pay to house and feed them. Teabaggers are not happy about this and demand that marijuana be legalized immediately. In fact, there was a huge march in DC yesterday for marijuana rights that was organized by conservatives. If everybody seems to want pot legalized then who am I to slap the bong out of their mouths? Just think about the positive effect it would have on the legitimate economy if we take this "shit" off the black market. Instead of some third-rate schwag slinger installing some 22's on his car, we could have CEO's of marijuana companies using the profits they make to take corporate jets and give each other huge bonuses. You know what happens to the drug dealer? He dies in a car accident on the way to rape a 16-year-old high school girl. If you're against legalization then you support the rape of our great nation's young women.

Glenn: I'm not sure how you connected my position - the only one that would protect young men AND women from the scourge of marijuana - to one that would harm them, but I am offended nonetheless. I haven't been this offended since the last time a "stoner" offered to sell me drugs so I could "relax." I detest all that comprises marijuana culture. From Kottonmouth Kings to Bob Marley flags to killing your girlfriend and eating her liver, it all makes me sicker than getting a contact high while I'm trying to do my taxes. You make the argument that if marijuana was legalized, all of these two bit dealers would start paying taxes. This could be true, but wouldn't we say the same with murder for hire and abortion? Just because they would bring in more revenue doesn't mean they should be legal. California needs to balance its budget the old fashioned way: cutting education like a pot junkie cuts her wrists after the "most intense high" she's ever experienced.

Jake: If the US were to legalize marijuana there would be more job opportunities. Candy would be higher in demand. Glenn would have you believe that candy is only for children, but he's too busy seething with anger from watching Celebrity Disc Golf on ESPN2. Candy is for everybody and Glenn's addiction to Sour Patch Kids tells that tale exquisitely. We have nothing to lose if we make grass legal. Our overcrowded prisons would be relieved, we would enter a new era of creative snack foods, Cheech Marin would be granted citizenship and Boomerang would become the most watched TV channel. This may not be the world Glenn and his fat cat friends want to live in, but it's better than what we have now.

21 comments:

  1. "You know what happens to the drug dealer? He dies in a car accident on the way to rape a 16-year-old high school girl."

    FUNNY AS ALWAYS, MY LITTLE BOYS.

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  2. "Cigarettes are legal and everybody I have ever known has died because of smoking them. I have yet to meet a person who has died from "puffing on a reefer" and I work at a morgue."

    This is the best line of text I have ever read. Fantastic, gentlemen.

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  3. Terrific debate! It was so good I still don't know where I stand!! I don't want pot junkies slitting their wrists, but at the same time I don't want drug dealers raping 16-year olds. And those ARE he only two options!!!

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  4. really glenn "Marijuana is a drug that distorts a person's sense of time and space. It is addictive. It is expensive. Marijuana, if legalized, would instantly be smoked by children as young as embryo as a way to "relax from their problems." never have I smoked a joint and forgot what day or time it was or ever had a distorted sense of space and I just couldn't bear to read any more of YOUR psycho babble bullshit. It's not a drug As Katt Williams has said numerous times, you have to change something in it chemically before it could ever be considered so. it's not addictive Ive never known anyone to be sick from not having it. its a lot less expensive than drugs and would probably cost less publicly if it were legal. Finally, those of you who are afraid for children who might smoke it, um hello illegal under 18 right? Cigarettes are legal and they kill why isn't anyone afraid for underage cigarette smokers? Marijuana is medicanally safe helps cure cancer and is great for glaucoma so just to throw it in your dumb ass face it doesnt CAUSE cancer. So fuck off gotard and hopefully ive opened your eyes.

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  5. YEAH FUCK YOU GLENN. Love, Katt Williams, super awesome smart guy.

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  6. Hey, pot cures cancer! Glenn you're a cancer-loving gotard.

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  7. Glenn, this debate is drenched in psychobabble! You're a regular Eckhart Tolle!! At least anonymous thinks you're in the same league as Jean-Luc Godard!!!

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  8. Anonymous' level of psychological understanding ends at Katt Williams and begins with Earthquake.

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  9. Sorry it took me twelve hours to respond to your commet, bro. I've been too HIGH to lift up my fucking hands and gently stroke the keyboard. I was too busy stroking the hair of a corpse I unearthed from a graveyard, and fucked, the last time I was high. Marijuana is a gateway to necrophilia.

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  10. hey again guess who im responding to so Im guessing youre one of those people who have never tryed smoking and for that I feel you shouldnt be allowed to debate abiout it. everything you say makes me want to hit babies just cuz its that fucking retarded. marijuana is a gateway to nothing, tobacco and alcohol are and if you just keep your self control nothing looks interesting through the gateway ya dumb fuck. Marijuana has a bad rap literally for the same reason it shows on Pineapple Express, the person from the government who was given the job of trying it for the experiments to see it was safe for the general public was said to have acted strangely and the government illegalized it because it caused him to be giddy, why this mistake still hasnt been righted to this day i dont know and never will. people like you all need to "accidently" fall into a giant steep walled pit full of nothing but burning marijuana filling the pit's air with the most pleasant smoke on earth, probably throughout the entire universe.

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  11. Thank you for not posting anonymously.

    The government made marijuana illegal because of pressure from the cotton industry. Pineapple Express and Katt Williams are not good references to site when trying to make a point, no matter how faded you might be. Marijuana does not cure cancer, it does have anti-nausea effects, which help during chemo, and is a pain reliver. If you smoke marijuana it probably can give you cancer. See the residue left in your glass pipe? That is what is being left in your lungs.

    Furthermore, this site is a joke. We're doing comedy and not every point made here is legit. I happen to know that Glenn and I were both high when we wrote this debate. We were smoking a blunt in his parents' basement and watching ECW Barely Legal 97.

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  12. This site is a JOKE?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??! You guys have been joking the whole time? This is super shitty and eye-opening. Assholes. Going back to watch CollegeHumor videos and cry. :(

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  13. ill give you that one cuz youre right it doesnt cure it but its so much more tedious to say pretty much what you said. and joke or not I still remain serious on my side of the debate.

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  14. Marijuana DOES cure cancer but it has certainly caused much more cancer than it could ever hope to cure. Plus, it is a widely disputed fact that Casey Anthony got the idea to kill her daughter Laci Peterson after having consumed 22 pot brownies.

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  15. hey what's everybody fighting about in the ghost world you can get high whenever you want and no one cares

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  16. In the dimension from which I come, marijuana is legal and Katt Williams was the first black president. People still wanted to see his birth certificate though, and they found out he was actually born in Kenya when he showed them.

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  17. It is really tedious to be accurate and clear in what you're saying!

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  18. do you really think this issue is even worth a lot of time to discuss, no , do I honestly give a poop what any of you think about my habbits. NO. do what you like , don't talk just shoot hehe.

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  19. They're letting Jared Loughner on the internet!!!

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  20. I hope this article gets more comments after marijuana is legalized.

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  21. Wow amazing, Nice content I found so many interesting stuff in your blog especially its discussion Thanks to sharing thanks!marijuana online

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