TV Show Idea: Jeffrey Jones: Child Pornographer

By Jake

Over the last couple weeks I have proposed some TV show ideas that the fat cats in Washington Hollywood are too afraid to make. Their problem is probably more on the stars I pick rather than the plot of the shows. They don't want to push ex-football players as actors anymore. Apparently that's old hat. I don't really understand that, but I can take the hint. This week I bring you a new show: Jeffrey Jones: Child Pornographer.

This show is harsh, since it's based on the life of a character actor turned child pornographer. He is not a child rapist, though. Let's get that straight. He may have well been sexting or getting sexted. So that is your warning, turn back if you are not a fan of talking about child pornographers or reality.


Jeffrey Jones was a once popular character actor. He was in many movies, including playing the villain in Howard the Duck and the principal in Ferris Buehler's Day Off. In 2002, Jones was convicted of child pornography and employing a 14 year old boy to pose for pornographic pictures. Since this incident Jones has been on Deadwood and the movie Who's Your Caddy? starring Big Boi (of Outkast fame).

Jeffrey Jones stars as himself, a hardened pornographer/respected character actor with a unrelenting thirst to see young boys in lewd sexual acts. Jones hires a 14 year old boy to mow his lawn, but that boy becomes the object of Jones' unquenchable boy lust.

Jones at first plays it cool. He offers the boy lemonade (with no roofies) and even gives him candy (with no roofies). The boy is lulled into a false sense of security because Jones is a respectable actor who was in the movie How High? for pete's sake.

Jeff buys a new camera under the guise of making his own independent film about going back in time to hang out with Thomas Paine. He is eager to show the young boy (maybe named Pete or Joey) the camera. The boy is clearly a camera enthusiast, as are all 14 year old males. Jeff asks him to remove his shirt (since he's worked up a sweat from mowing his lawn). Soon Jeff is making the moves on Pete or Joey and also making underage pornography.

This is the pilot, remember. I know this is a bit much so far, but here is where it takes the turn.

Two months later. A SWAT team kicks in Jeffrey's door. Jeff is bathing in his self made child porn, and the SWAT clubs him as if he were a baby seal and they were the makers of Faces of Death. They take him to jail where he has to adjust to a new lifestyle. He is forced to join a gang. He chooses the Latin Kings, because they are the most child rapist friendly of all the gangs (I'm assuming).

As a new member of the LK's, Jeffrey is forced into many intensely violent situations. He never thought that he would end up in jail, let alone a gang (let alone a gang for Latinos). Jeffrey is forced to smoke crack for the tenth time in his life (the first nine times he did so on his own accord). While fucked on crack he accidentally uses racial slurs (wetback mostly) against his fellow gang members and orders them to get him sandwiches from Crafts services. They brutally beat him (and it is implied that they rape him, but it's never fully revealed). Jones is once again alone, and now he has to watch his back. Plus, he's in jail.

That is a story arc that will play out over the course of maybe 10-15 episodes. After that he gets out of jail and goes to live in Florida. He is occasionally visited by fellow pedophile Gary Glitter. Gary and Jeff are the original odd couple. Glitter is messy and straight, while Jones is a homosexual neat freak. Nevertheless, Glitter offers sage-like advice to Jones on how to deal with being a convicted pedophile.

Jones is receptive to the advice and they go on a trip to Vietnam together. In Vietnam, Glitter gets in trouble once again. This leaves Jones on his own. He hurries back to Florida and changes addresses. He forgets to notify authorities and is once again in trouble with the law. Will Jeff Jones ever learn? Tune in to find out!

9 comments:

  1. What Jake failed to mention is that this post is actually part of an elaborate entrapment scheme ... he is REALLY pitching a newfangled version of "To Catch a Predator". Anybody who dares to leave positive feedback here WILL BE HUNTED BY THE AUTHORITIES/OYIT (we are one in the same).

    If you should fall victim, I suggest making an unavoidable attraction to Gary Glitter as primary in your line-of-defense. As everybody knows, Glitter trumps children.

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  2. I also failed to mention within the article that I'm merely using child pornography as a way to shock people, not as a device to pitch an absurd television program. Sorry! I don't understand satire. Someone please explain it to me.

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  3. Doooo you wanna touch me?
    Doooo you wanna touch me?
    Doooo you wanna touch me, girl? girl?

    ReplyDelete
  4. i just hope that you don't know any latin king's and if you do DON'T LET THEM READ THIS! otherwise, i think this show could teach a lot of pedophiles out there the real dangers behind their sick obsessions.

    ReplyDelete
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