Debate: 2012

By Glenn and Jake

2012 has come and gone like our absentee fathers, and like our fathers we either love 2012 or blame it for all of our adulthood problems.  Did you love 2012?  Maybe this debate will sway you one way or the other.  Or maybe it will make you laugh at our ignorance.

Glenn: 2012 was an awful year - one of the worst since 1945.  It was a year that featured at least two acts of gun violence, at least one celebrity sex tape by Hulk Hogan and the Summer Olympics sponsored by Overbrook Entertainment (Will Smith’s production company).  The cancellation of our favorite TV shows was announced.  Mitt Romney was elected President of United States. We broke up with our girlfriends.  We spent hours watching Family Matters reruns on Youtube, unironically.  A Family Matters remake went into production for UPN due to high volume of youtube views!  Bashar Al-Assad remains leader of Syria while thousands of rebels were killed trying to overthrow his regime.  This was not a good year.  You want to know a good year?  I will tell you in my next point.

Jake:  2012 was a great year.  The best year of my life.  2011 had its moments (I got married, season three of “Community,” “Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance”), but it was marred by constant panic attacks I started having during December of 2010 due to smoking the synthetic marijuana known as Cloud 10 Storm.  In 2012, I got my panic attacks treated and found out I have dysthymia.  I now take a generic version of Paxil and cannot maintain an erection any better than I can maintain attention during the most exciting game of golf ever televised.  Katy Perry released a feature-length documentary film in 2012, making all of us into Perryites.  CM Punk held the WWE championship for the entire calendar year of 2012, defeating such muscled man-children as John Cena and Ryback.  I started a band during 2012 called Time Queef, which got me into writing songs so I can start a better band in 2013.  Grimes released a classic album in 2012 called “Visions.”  No album from 2011 or 1945 can touch that album’s quality.  2012 wasn’t just a great year, it was the greatest year.

Glenn: 2011 was indeed an amazing year. From Hurricane Irene that was scary but didn’t really hurt people to the Egyptian revolution that was scary but didn’t really help people - this year had it all.  What was 2012’s hurricane?  Sandy, which killed people and destroyed literally countless homes and businesses.  I condemn this weather event and its effects while my opponent celebrates them as part of god’s plan for 2012!  Speaking of god, we had to spend the entire year hearing about the so called Mayan Calendar App for Android Tablets and how the world would end.  If it had, I would set down my high powered rifle and walk over to my opponents table, embracing his stance that 2012 was the best year of all time.  But the world didn’t end.  It limps along, pathetically, just like this website.

Jake: The Mayan apocalypse is one of the many reasons that 2012 was a fantastic year.  What is more exciting than watching simpletons worry about the world ending based on an ancient circular calendar?  These people are hilarious.  They are funnier than Charlie Chaplain or Rob Schneider.  2011 was pure garbage.  Easily the worst year I have experienced.  2009 was pretty good.  We started this piece of shit website in 2009!  2012 we hit a half of a million visits.  That is a lot, if you ask me.  If you are reading this debate I take it as a tacit agreement to ask me any questions that I imply.  Hurricanes and gun violence is always happening.  It doesn’t make the year of our lord 2012 any worse.  We are going to have more gun violence in 2013 than any other year of recorded history.  Bring it on, I say.  To paraphrase Ray Parker Jr., I ain’t afraid of no guns.

Glenn: Thank you for quoting Ray Parker Jr, who said in his last video blog of the year: “2012 was an awful year for movies and for all hard working human/spider hybrids.”  I think he was upset someone “greenlit” the sure-to-be-awful Ghostbusters 3.  I do not know what he meant by the hybrid comment, though it is worth investigating further.  We don’t need to investigate 2012 further because most agree it was a rotten year.  Time’s Person of the Year was Barack Obama!  They only put him on the cover because he promised them “stuff.”  The last two living Beatles died in 2012.  Our stupid, garbage planet Earth warmed by another 3 degrees.  A spontaneous demonstration against the viral “Gangum Style” video turned violent at the US consulate in Benghazi, resulting in the deaths of four people and millions of Youtube views.  The best test of a year is: would you want to repeat it?  No one, perhaps Psy, General David Petraeus and James Holmes, would ever want to live 2012 again.  I know I wouldn’t.

Jake:  I would love to repeat 2012 in a “Groundhog Day” loop.  I would sit on my chaise lounge listening to Skrillex records and reading “50 Shades of Grey.”  2012 was the year S&M went mainstream, and that is especially good news for you.  Now when a woman or man go into your bedroom and see all of the cat-o-nine tails they are titillated instead of frightened, because they read about them in a book.  Another excellent sequel in the Jason Bourne series of movies was released in 2012.  Glenn called that movie, “better than the original.”  I am inclined to agree with him.  “Taken 2” blazed the box office like so many rappers and world class swimmers “blaze” on the marijuana plant.  In the later parts of 2012, we were thrilled by the fiscal cliff.  We felt like Wile E. Coyote chasing our economy through the Arizonan desert, only to come upon led by a puff of smoke off of a cliff and steeply dropped to hundreds of feet to our death.  Exciting!  I loved 2012 and, I feel like, 2012 loved me.  Most of my top 10 favorite movies and albums of all time were released in 2012.  My best friends were born in 2012.  2012 was like a high five from an angel.


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