Surprise! I'm Divorced Now!

By Jake

A couple months ago, my wife told me that she didn't think things were working out anymore and that she wanted some space. That quickly escalated into her wanting a divorce. I was devastated at first. I cried hard for two hours. I'm doing better now, but I do still cry every time I listen to Taylor Swift's "This Love" and I am not sure if that will ever stop or if I will ever stop listening to it multiple times a day. I'm not even sure if it has anything to do with the ending of our relationship.



Where did things go wrong? I can't say for sure, but our relationship hasn't been very good since we lived in Hammond, IN. I thought our relationship had gotten a little better, but far from perfect, once we moved to Washington, IL. Then Kaleena started going to a couple's counselor without me. After a few sessions, I was invited to attend one. I go in there and this dude just reads Family Circus strips to us for an hour. He didn't even let me see them! How is that supposed to fix my marriage? If anything, it made things worse. If you're going to go about therapy that way, I at least need to see where Jeffy has been going. I'm just not that much of a visual thinker.

Then Kaleena and I moved from Washington to Peoria. This was our living situation: We moved into a house with a younger couple. Fellow comedians. Then on a random Tuesday–much like 9/11/01–the two ladies broke up with the two fellas. The same. fucking. day. So here's what I did–and y'all are going to love this–I bought a Kindle Fire so I could jack off in my bedroom while weeping. Eventually I moved my computer into my bedroom to maximize my masturbating experience. Plus, I bought a fleshlight. I always did want to fuck a flashlight and divorce is about checking things off of your bucket list.

The thing about the divorce that I find most frightening and daunting is getting back into dating. The last time I dated there weren't dating apps. This was 10 years ago. There weren't even apps! There weren't even phones! You definitely didn't have to send a picture of your dick to anyone, especially not to your date's legal guardian. I do feel like I'm ready to start dating again, though. And you know why? I'm out-of-my-mind horny.

I have started using Tinder. And I know Tinder is a taboo topic that comedians steer clear of, but I am a rule breaker–a real maverick of comedy. I have even made some dates! Writing about the dates will have to be a spin-off. The Mork and Mindy of this article's Happy Days, but hopefully this date doesn't end in suicide like More and Mindy did. What a controversial conclusion that was to a program about an alien trying to get his dick wet
.

I don't drink or do drugs because I'm on anti-depressants to stave off panic attacks. I started having panic attacks after smoking some synthetic marijuana called Cloud Ten Storm. As bad as the panic attacks were, it could have been worse. I could have hit people with my car like my friend Travis did after smoking some "spice."

I think alcohol would make things a lot easier, but I don't have to worry about the "beer goggles"effect. That is when you sleep with somebody under you on the sexual caste system. Though, right after the break-up I found every woman attractive because I had sad glasses. And because of the aforementioned horniness.

After a couple months of avoiding my house and looking through sad glasses, I think things are starting to look up and I'm finding myself enjoying moments of happiness. I got some cute kisses (no tongue) from a beautiful 18 year old woman comedian and that lifted my mood and self-esteem more than my horseshit anti-depressants. It seems like nothing is going to happen with the 18 year old, but it was pretty nice and uplifting.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with Kaleena for two months after we split and living with my very good friend Alix and her boyfriend. It has been better for my emotional and sexual well-being so far. I have started dating and it's pretty fun.


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  2. I'm heartbroken for you, Jake. Though I wouldn't put much credence in the above recommendation, as I used the same service after my divorce and all it got me was an apology and proposal from Jennifer martins' boyfriend. We ARE happily married now and expecting our little kid but it's just not the same, you know?

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  26. INSTANT REUNION LOVE SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR EX ASAP. dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com

    I want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we livest of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce. I pleaded and tried everything but still, nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Dr. Murugu who eventually helped me out. I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice. He did special prayers and used roots and herbs. Within 48 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news. I just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there needs it. You can email him via Email dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com
    Website: http://drmuruguspells.com
    Website: https://drmakinidrmurugu.blogspot.com
    Whatsapp number +90 538 069 4285.

    ReplyDelete
  27. How To Get My Ex-Lover Back: I Need My Ex-Lover Back Spell Casters +90 538 069 4285, dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com

    I am very happy to recommend Dr. Murugu to everybody that truly needs help to fix his or her broken relationship and marriage. When I found Dr. Murugu online I was in desperate need of help to bring my ex-lover back. She left me for another man. It all happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. she just left me after 3 years of our of marriage without any explanation. so I was very worried and could not eat till I went online and I found testimonies on Dr. Murugu so I decided to contact Dr. Murugu through his whats-app and I explain everything to him so he helps me cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did the spell, my wife started texting and calling me again. She said that she was sorry and said that I was the most important person in her life and she knows that now. you can Email Dr. Murugu now for urgent help dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com
    Website: https://drmuruguspellhome.com
    Whatsapp: +90 538 069 4285

    ReplyDelete
  28. How To Get My Ex-Lover Back: I Need My Ex-Lover Back Spell Casters +90 538 069 4285, dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com

    I am very happy to recommend Dr. Murugu to everybody that truly needs help to fix his or her broken relationship and marriage. When I found Dr. Murugu online I was in desperate need of help to bring my ex-lover back. She left me for another man. It all happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. she just left me after 3 years of our of marriage without any explanation. so I was very worried and could not eat till I went online and I found testimonies on Dr. Murugu so I decided to contact Dr. Murugu through his whats-app and I explain everything to him so he helps me cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did the spell, my wife started texting and calling me again. She said that she was sorry and said that I was the most important person in her life and she knows that now. you can Email Dr. Murugu now for urgent help dr.makinidrmurugu@gmail.com OR dr.makinidrmurugu@yahoo.com
    Website: https://drmuruguspellhome.com
    Whatsapp: +90 538 069 4285

    ReplyDelete
  29. DR ISIKOLO is simply the best spell caster and helper. My name is Loreta Emilio, Out of respect for you and your spells I must make this testimony know to all. I've been to other spell casters without seeing any result.I just wished I came to you earlier, i got the best from you. My ex husband was gone for a year and I went everywhere and other spell casters for help but no result until my friend introduce me to Dr Isikolo After the Love Spell was done, I finally got a calls from him in 48 hours like DR ISIKOLO assured me. His spells worked wonders and my husband is back with full of love. It's a miracle! He suddenly came back with flowers saying that i should forgive him, i was truly flabbergasted and shocked when my husband kneel down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back. I'm really short of words and joyful, you are a God sent to me and my entire family. And now i am a joyful woman once again. Thank you so much Dr IsikoloTo everyone who is looking for a real spell caster should contact DR ISIKOLO On: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com You can also Whatsapp him on +2348133261196. webpage: https://isikololovetemple.com

    ReplyDelete

  30. Hello my fellow friends online I'm Diana Gilbert from USA, I want to use this medium to thank DR.KABAKA because he brought back my Ex husband. my husband left me for his ex girlfriend he had before he married me I was so eager to get him back because I loved him, then I told my friend about it and she gave me DR.KABAKA email and I emailed him and told him my problem and he gave me instructions which I followed and he brought back my husband within 24 hours. If you need help in getting back together with your Ex, email Dr Great at drkabakaspiritualtemple@gmail.com WhatsApp number on +2349015857861

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. My ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. I was so happy to meet Dr. OKu how he helps many people to bring their Lover back so i contact him to help me too. husbandThat was how Dr. Oku helped me to bring my  back.. A big thank you to Dr. Oku because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. If you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:Email him at: okutemple@gmail.com You can also Call/WhatsApp:+2348163425519

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. My ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. I was so happy to meet Dr. OKu how he helps many people to bring their Lover back so i contact him to help me too. husbandThat was how Dr. Oku helped me to bring my  back.. A big thank you to Dr. Oku because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. If you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:Email him at: okutemple@gmail.com You can also Call/WhatsApp:+2348163425519

    ReplyDelete
  33. I read some of DR ISIKOLO testimonies about how he helped many people bring back their lovers in 2 days with a love spell. I was having problem with my boyfriend so I decided to contact him because I love my boyfriend so much. he left home and said he is not interested in the relationship anymore for no reason, i was in shock. I contacted DR ISIKOLO and he told me that my boyfriend would come back to me in the next 2 days, DR ISIKOLO made a love spell and this made my boyfriend eye open to see how much we love each other and he came back home. As I write this testimony, I am the happiest girl on earth. my boyfriend and I are living a happy life and our love is now stronger than it was before we broke up. All thanks to DR ISIKOLO for the excessive work he did for me, helping me get back with my boyfriend. if you are facing any relationship problem and want a quick solution contact Dr ISIKOLO on Email: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com or whatsApp number: +2348133261196 webpage: https://isikololovetemple.com

    ReplyDelete


  34. My name is MONICA MORRISON FROM USA, I head that my husband was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr.kabaka the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I’m so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is drkabakaspiritualtemple@gmail.com
    Call or WhatsApp him.
    +2349015857861

    ReplyDelete
  35. I was married for 13 years. My marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. I was his loyal, faithful supportive and trusting Wife. He had an additional wild side that went out of control. The last incident is when I found out that he was having an affair 2 weeks before our 14th wedding anniversary. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me. I was so hurt and being an independent woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It was so hard to move on so i had to reach out for help online. Our marriage and family therapists thought that "something" was not right about my husband. I went online and i found out about Dr. Mkuru and his good spell work reviews. I ordered for a Love spell on his website. 24 hours later in the morning around 09:34am I was totally shocked on how my Husband called me telling me how much he missed me. His spell worked on me so fast and my husband has been so loving, Natural and I'm having a happy marriage after using his love spell. If you are in a loveless and unhappy marriage that cannot be salvaged, believe me...There is light at the end of this tunnel. You can reach him on his contact details. email: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com. You Can Also Call Him Or Whatsapp him on +2348133261196. his direct website: https://isikololovetemple.com

    ReplyDelete
  36. After 5 years in marriage with my husband with 2 kids, my husband started acting weird and going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other ladies, I was totally devastated and confused until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet called DR ISIKOLO who help people with relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contact him, he helped me cast a love spell and within 48 hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with other ladies and his with me for good and for real. Contact this great love spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem to be solved today via: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com or directly WhatsApp +2348133261196 or his website: https://isikololovetemple.com

    ReplyDelete



  37. I want to share with you all how a good man with a good heart restored my marriage after 1 year of breakup, I saw his Facebook page from someone else's testimonial and I contacted him, told him how much I love my husband and how I want him back, he told me to relax and help me, I am still very in shock so far with the restored result, and the love was more than it used to be .. I am so thankful, if you are going through similar problems kindly contact him on his email address drkabakaspiritualtemple@gmail.com call or
    whatsapp him +2349015857861. https://drkabakaspiritualtemple.blogspot.com/
    https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/530274344162478287

    ReplyDelete