Surprise! I'm Divorced Now!

By Jake

A couple months ago, my wife told me that she didn't think things were working out anymore and that she wanted some space. That quickly escalated into her wanting a divorce. I was devastated at first. I cried hard for two hours. I'm doing better now, but I do still cry every time I listen to Taylor Swift's "This Love" and I am not sure if that will ever stop or if I will ever stop listening to it multiple times a day. I'm not even sure if it has anything to do with the ending of our relationship.



Where did things go wrong? I can't say for sure, but our relationship hasn't been very good since we lived in Hammond, IN. I thought our relationship had gotten a little better, but far from perfect, once we moved to Washington, IL. Then Kaleena started going to a couple's counselor without me. After a few sessions, I was invited to attend one. I go in there and this dude just reads Family Circus strips to us for an hour. He didn't even let me see them! How is that supposed to fix my marriage? If anything, it made things worse. If you're going to go about therapy that way, I at least need to see where Jeffy has been going. I'm just not that much of a visual thinker.

Then Kaleena and I moved from Washington to Peoria. This was our living situation: We moved into a house with a younger couple. Fellow comedians. Then on a random Tuesday–much like 9/11/01–the two ladies broke up with the two fellas. The same. fucking. day. So here's what I did–and y'all are going to love this–I bought a Kindle Fire so I could jack off in my bedroom while weeping. Eventually I moved my computer into my bedroom to maximize my masturbating experience. Plus, I bought a fleshlight. I always did want to fuck a flashlight and divorce is about checking things off of your bucket list.

The thing about the divorce that I find most frightening and daunting is getting back into dating. The last time I dated there weren't dating apps. This was 10 years ago. There weren't even apps! There weren't even phones! You definitely didn't have to send a picture of your dick to anyone, especially not to your date's legal guardian. I do feel like I'm ready to start dating again, though. And you know why? I'm out-of-my-mind horny.

I have started using Tinder. And I know Tinder is a taboo topic that comedians steer clear of, but I am a rule breaker–a real maverick of comedy. I have even made some dates! Writing about the dates will have to be a spin-off. The Mork and Mindy of this article's Happy Days, but hopefully this date doesn't end in suicide like More and Mindy did. What a controversial conclusion that was to a program about an alien trying to get his dick wet
.

I don't drink or do drugs because I'm on anti-depressants to stave off panic attacks. I started having panic attacks after smoking some synthetic marijuana called Cloud Ten Storm. As bad as the panic attacks were, it could have been worse. I could have hit people with my car like my friend Travis did after smoking some "spice."

I think alcohol would make things a lot easier, but I don't have to worry about the "beer goggles"effect. That is when you sleep with somebody under you on the sexual caste system. Though, right after the break-up I found every woman attractive because I had sad glasses. And because of the aforementioned horniness.

After a couple months of avoiding my house and looking through sad glasses, I think things are starting to look up and I'm finding myself enjoying moments of happiness. I got some cute kisses (no tongue) from a beautiful 18 year old woman comedian and that lifted my mood and self-esteem more than my horseshit anti-depressants. It seems like nothing is going to happen with the 18 year old, but it was pretty nice and uplifting.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with Kaleena for two months after we split and living with my very good friend Alix and her boyfriend. It has been better for my emotional and sexual well-being so far. I have started dating and it's pretty fun.


8 comments:

  1. My name is Jennifer martins, from USA I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.madurai he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 6years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to usa, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is maduraitemple@yahoo.com :or call +2347067607073

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    Replies
    1. Hi I am SUE PREEDY from London I got a love spell done on my fiance actually he left me after one year of engagement I was shocked when he told me he does not love me any more he is going to marry with another girl it was very difficult to believe because we were in love from last 5 years he was the guy who never thought to live without me for a second he used to give thousands of phone calls in a day and he was saying to me he does not love me any more, it was a worse news for my family because I gave a very good treat to my friends and raletive on my engagement and we put engagement ring to each other in front of hundreds of people now if he didn't marry me so it was shame for me in my society so I decided that I will get him back any how, than I found Dr.Trust on Internet I told him my problem he told me not to worry I will fetch him back to you he said that he will come himself and will beg me.he gave me 48 hours time and of course it happened before 48 hours he come back to me and said he is sorry for what he did to me,that he is ready to marry me. we get married and we are happy now as husband and wife. really Dr.Trust is a Miracle Man. contact him for your own help ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call me +2348156885231

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  2. I'm heartbroken for you, Jake. Though I wouldn't put much credence in the above recommendation, as I used the same service after my divorce and all it got me was an apology and proposal from Jennifer martins' boyfriend. We ARE happily married now and expecting our little kid but it's just not the same, you know?

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  3. My husband wanted a divorce. I was desperate and decided to give this spell caster someone referred me to a try (airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com). I the spell caster did a Stop Our Divorce Love Spell for me inform of a wish spell. Within a 2days, he did forgot about his plan and started loving me more that i expected. I have to say, I wasn’t really expecting that at all. fellow people, this has made me so happy. I use this spell caster on airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com spell casting service all the time and it never failed. I love the personal attention I got. Even better, I know the spells really work accurately and quickly, thank you once again

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  4. Hi I am SUE PREEDY from London I got a love spell done on my fiance actually he left me after one year of engagement I was shocked when he told me he does not love me any more he is going to marry with another girl it was very difficult to believe because we were in love from last 5 years he was the guy who never thought to live without me for a second he used to give thousands of phone calls in a day and he was saying to me he does not love me any more, it was a worse news for my family because I gave a very good treat to my friends and raletive on my engagement and we put engagement ring to each other in front of hundreds of people now if he didn't marry me so it was shame for me in my society so I decided that I will get him back any how, than I found Dr.Trust on Internet I told him my problem he told me not to worry I will fetch him back to you he said that he will come himself and will beg me.he gave me 48 hours time and of course it happened before 48 hours he come back to me and said he is sorry for what he did to me,that he is ready to marry me. we get married and we are happy now as husband and wife. really Dr.Trust is a Miracle Man. contact him for your own help ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call me +2348156885231

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi I am SUE PREEDY from London I got a love spell done on my fiance actually he left me after one year of engagement I was shocked when he told me he does not love me any more he is going to marry with another girl it was very difficult to believe because we were in love from last 5 years he was the guy who never thought to live without me for a second he used to give thousands of phone calls in a day and he was saying to me he does not love me any more, it was a worse news for my family because I gave a very good treat to my friends and raletive on my engagement and we put engagement ring to each other in front of hundreds of people now if he didn't marry me so it was shame for me in my society so I decided that I will get him back any how, than I found Dr.Trust on Internet I told him my problem he told me not to worry I will fetch him back to you he said that he will come himself and will beg me.he gave me 48 hours time and of course it happened before 48 hours he come back to me and said he is sorry for what he did to me,that he is ready to marry me. we get married and we are happy now as husband and wife. really Dr.Trust is a Miracle Man. contact him for your own help ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call me +2348156885231

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  6. For Real How to get your ex lover back and be happy again, My Name is Bartley Whitley I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Indian in June last year on a business summit i meet a friend of mine called Mariana she introduce me to a man called Dr Shiva at hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com that he can help me get my lover back, Dr Shiva is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back your love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job am now happy & a living testimony because the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to back to Canada my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it because the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help contact him today via his email address at: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com

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