Circuit City Closes its Doors

By Jake

I first overheard the news while waiting for my food (vegetarian burrito and chalupa) at a Mexican restaurant earlier today. A slightly overweight man (slightly more overweight than my slight overweightedness) was talking into his iphone while wearing a NY jacket. He said, "I just heard that all Circuit City locations are closing down." This news hit me like firecrackers thrown out of Vince Coleman's open car window.

Circuit City is where I bought my computer. It is where I was hoping my children would buy their computers and other electronic goods. Yet, upon my last visit to CC I knew they were doomed.

Now, I'm no Creskin, nor am I a lesser fortune teller like a Miss Cleo or Nostradamus-- but I listen to the Nas album "Nastradamus." That's a transition, because the reason I knew CC was doomed for failure was because they had a gaggle of 45 year olds mindlessly purusing their immense CD selection.

We all know that CD's are a dead media. Let's face it, nobody is ever going to pay for music. Why would we when there are so many places to get it for free? The only reasonable explanation is that you are 45 years old and don't know how to use a computer.

When you enter Best Buy, you are blinded by the overpowering light. It's like you've tragically died in a 9/11-esque terrorist attack and gone to media heaven. The first thing you see is a huge section of DVDs. You go and you look at them. You consider buying the Naked Gun trilogy, you pontificate over which Godzilla you'll take home (Gojira or the remake starring Vicky Lewis), you buy season 1-3 of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air because it's only $15 per season and you that's only the tip of the goddamn motherfucking iceberg.

When you enter Circuit City your dick instantly goes limp. The light is dim and it wreaks of desperation and drying paint. You look ahead and their DVDs are lying disorganized in an-FYE style display. Fuck that. I don't want to touch Munster Season 2 DVDs just to see if they have any Mod Squad seasons. I don't have OCD, but I don't want to touch DVDs covered in fecal matter.

The next thing you notice at Circuit City is massive amounts of open space. I get vertigo when I stand still in CC. In Best Buy I buy Vertigo on DVD because it's a great Alfred Hitchcock film. If I were in charge of Circuit City, what I would have done with that open space is fill it with goods for sale. I'm no marketing genius, and neither was the person who bankrupted Circuit City.

The biggest problem with Circuit City is that it is almost inevitably within a mile of a Best Buy-- usually right next to one. Best Buy is the most well known electronics store in the US. Best Buy is inherently better because the name itself tells you it's going to cost less than Circuit City. You don't have to be Jerry Seinfeld to observe that shit.

Best Buy is by no means a great store, though. In fact I rarely visit it. There are two within 10 miles of my house, but I'd rather go to a store like Target where I feel safe. I know if I'm inside Target and somebody pulls out a gun, it will naturally go to the logo instead of killing me. There's a rhyme I say to myself before I go shopping for DVDs or electronics: "Target is my market. At Best Buy I will die." That reminds me where I should go. Plus, I can buy popcorn kernels for my air popper there for significantly less than I can at the Kroger's owned and somewhat aptly named "Food4Less."

Circuit City has died. We shall mourn them, but for what? You know what, fuck it. We won't mourn them. Nobody will care and that's why they went out of business. Fuck you Circuit City, now let's all rock out to MegaDeth.


  1. What do Circuit City buildings become when they're closed and empty?

    Circuit boxes.

  2. ...or future "The Great Depression of 2009" museums.


  4. This made me feel a lot better about Circuit City closing. I have never been there and was afraid I might have missed something.

    Also, where do Circuit City managers go when Circuit City closes down for good?

    Back to technical college!

  5. There's some funny stuff in this article, but sadly it's not timely anymore.


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