Select Tweets from the Life of Moses

By Nate

YoungMoses: @GodofAbraham, I just killed an Egyptian. Swy. Plz don't tell.
Pharaoh: @YoungMoses, U killed an Egyptian? Y WOULD U TWEET THAT? Get the fuck out!
YoungMoses: @GodofAbraham, thanks for the exile. I won't pray via tweets again.
GodofAbraham: @Moses, I AM A VENGEFUL GOD!

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YoungMoses: I've come across a burning bush in the desert while herding sheep. It can talk. Weird.
GodofAbraham: @YoungMoses: That burning bush is me!
YoungMoses: @GodofAbraham: Y r U n the form of a burning bush? Just tweet me.
GodofAbraham: @YoungMoses: ur right. That was a stupid ploy. I'm just trying to spice up the Bible. Now go free the slaves!

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Moses: @Pharaoh: Let my people go!
Pharaoh: @Moses: no.
Moses: @Pharaoh: plz?
Pharaoh: @Moses: no.
Moses: @Pharaoh: I'm going to blot out the sun, kill ur kid, send locusts and frogs, give you lesions, and turn the water into blood 2 name a few.
Pharaoh: @Moses: U Crzy. I'm blocking you from my twitter.

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Moses: @God, ok, so I've got the Chosen Ones out of Egypt, but now the army is after me and I've run into the Red Sea. What now?
God: @Moses, Jesus Christ! Ten plagues and U still can't escape!
Moses: @God, Jesus who?
God: @Moses, nvmd. Ok, I'm going to part the sea, but you have to hold your staff over your head the whole time.
Moses: @God: Why?
God: @Moses: I'm into theatrics.
Moses: @God: wow, you just drowned the entire Egyptian army.
God: @Moses: I AM A VENGEFUL GOD!

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Moses: @God, so why do I have to climb this mountain to receive the Ten Commandments. JUST TWEET ME!
God: @Moses, stop whining! Ur always whining! I'm going to drop more manna on U if U don't stop now.
Moses: @God, the Israelites are getting restless. They have an obsession with a calf.
God: @Moses, you have no idea. Now get up here so I can do some cool lightning shit.
Moses: @God, Y did U have to make these tablets in stone? Papyrus would be so much easier to carry down!
God: @Moses, again with the whining! Ur not gonna like what you see when you get down the mountain.
Moses: @God, A GOLDEN CALF? They broke #2 before they even knew about it!
God: @Moses, Yeah, this might be the first loophole, but you should still go ape-shit on them. I AM A VENGEFUL GOD!

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God: @Moses, well here you are: The Promised Land!
Moses: @God, wow. After 40 years in the desert I'd never thought I'd get here. And to think I doubted you so many times.
God: @Moses, SURPRISE! You're not actually going.
Moses: @God, what?
God: @Moses, yep, take a good look at it cuz ur never gonna set foot in it. I'm taking U 2 heaven now. I'm also deactivating ur twitter.
Moses: @God, ur kidding. Wait – I'm floating! The Heavens are opening! Celestial Choirs!
God: @Moses, trust me, you don't want to be around for the whole Jericho thing anyway. The Israelites are gonna look so stupid. Marching and then blowing horns! The joke will be on Jericho in the end tho. I AM A VENGEFUL GOD!
Moses: @God, that tweet was more than 140 characters. What gives?
God: @Moses, I AM TWITTER!

32 comments:

  1. "BabyMoses: This basket is sticky. Am I the 1st tar baby?"

    Who is the second?

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  2. @Pharaoh: @Moses: U Crzy. I’m blocking you from my twitter.

    Ha!! More people should block Moses from their Twitter.

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  3. Man, maybe I am hypersensitive not being from a slave state and all, but this joke makes me really uncomfortable:

    "BabyMoses: This basket is sticky. Am I the 1st tar baby?"

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  4. Thanks, Glenn.

    Bub, has OYIT suddenly crossed a line with you? Because I cringe at most of what Jake posts.

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  5. Unless you are implying that baby Moses was a racist, which I WOULD be comfortable with.

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  6. Bub, I agree w/ the tar baby joke. Especially since it's before the break.

    Otherwise, it definitely has moments of greatness.

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  7. This is a great post Nate! I will just chose choose to read it as babyMoses being racist.

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  8. Yea it makes OYIT look like the Lee-Jackson Day Event Planner

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  9. The joke is the moral equivalent of: Baby Moses got black ink all over him, what is he the first nigger?

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  10. Exodus 2:3 - "But when she could no longer hide him, she got a basket made of papyrus reeds and waterproofed it with TAR and pitch. She put the baby in the basket and laid it among the reeds along the banks of the Nile River."

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  11. It's a simple joke, a silly play on words which in all other cases would absolutely fine, it just seems like the use of the racial slur is done with no irony at all

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  12. The joke itself is solid. It's the unironic use of the racial slur for the sake of a pun that makes this questionable.

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  13. No one is questioning the fact that Moses was indeed the first tar baby. It's just that for the joke to work there has to have been other tar babies to exist after Moses. In order for that to happen we the reader must accept that black people when first born until toddler-dom are tar babies, otherwise it isn't a play on anything. That's why it makes me uncomfortable.

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  14. It's a joke that can only be appreciated by people who accept that premise, and frankly we have enough of them around here all ready, GLENN and HOT ROD!

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  15. Again, otherwise fantastic post!

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  16. WTF! How did I get roped into this? I just wrote a GM column that had only good things to say about Martin Luther King Jr and will do the same tomorrow about BHO.

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  17. If it makes you feel better, here is my earliest recollection of a "tar baby": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9eeISEKNvc

    When I reference "tar baby" I'm actually thinking of this cartoon and not actual human babies with dark skin pigmentation.

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  18. Gulp, that's a pretty racist movie to try to win 'race-cred' with. The tar baby in the movie is a reference to the racial slur. But if you put '1st literal tar baby' I could live with that either that, bury the joke, or just get rid of it those things I could live with. Other wise I can not live, I will kill myself, but it will not affect you in any way. So it's really just on your conscience

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  19. This post has set a record for most comments of any OYIT post!

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  20. Wow. I just noticed I've been edited.

    Total. F***ing. Bulls**t.

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  21. Nate and I edited down this article to the things I considered funny. I took out the more modern references and the tar baby thing. I think it's better now.

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  22. It should be noted to any views of this that the edits were very minor. Most of this was funny, in my opinion, I merely took out maybe a total of 20 words. The premise is brilliant.

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. We've all changed a lot since this article was first posted. Agreed?

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  26. All I took out, which Nate agreed with me on is: Chalton Heston part, referencing Obama for no reason and a joke he used two times. I'm the fucking editor! Would you like me to leave all posts unedited? Maybe everybody can have a paragraph that is 5 paragraphs long, and Bub and not fucking put his name in the url where it says "YOUR NAME HERE" and then also not put his name in the labels section and fuck up the "read more..." part 90% of the time.

    Let's just not edit anything. We'll rename the site 'One Nigger in Tar-baby,' because of free speech. Fuckin' c'mon. Nate and I discussed this, we discussed what we thought was funny about it and what wasn't. Bub, you were the one to call for this article to be edited in the first place. I was fine leaving it as it was. Tar baby and all.

    And stop fucking complaining about my Firefox post. It's a perfectly acceptable piece and you're trying to define "One Year in Texas" as something and it's shit. We can have serious posts. Even Hustler has interviews with Noam Chomsky.

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  27. Ha! Well, I for one am in favor of renaming the site 'One Nigger in Tar Baby'!

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  28. wow....the comments are longer than the damn article, jesus ! (christ)
    also, i think this may have been the first time i actually laughed out loud at an article. that's not to say i don't find them all pretty f*cking hilarious, i think it just hits home with me growing up in church. i wish i'd had a mind like this because then it would have all seem so much more amusing and not terrifying.

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