Dear Baby (From Alfie)

By Beth

Dear Baby,

This is your daddy Alfie. I’m writing to you to tell you I love you and because there is a lot going on right now and the grownups are busy sodding off. I am your daddy but I’m 13 and your mummy is 15. We are going to take lots of good care of you anyways.

Everyone is mad that we had sex and had you, but I don’t understand why, probably because I am a kid. They say I look 8 but I’m way bigger than that and yesterday my voice cracked so I’m pretty much a man. Chantelle said sex would be fun and it hurt a wee bit but then I must be good to knock her up on the first time. Your gramps is really good at shagging, he has 9 kids. This is a picture of him.

At home he looks like that but without the pants. Daddy said he would get me a bunch of money for pictures of me and you, but now mummy is mad at him for whoring me out. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know how much nappies cost either but today I wiped your bum and fed you. It was fun but you cried anyway. I like to play football and Playstation and sometimes I will let you play too. And bikes, we can ride bikes together. Your mummy is big and soft and she is nice to me usually and sends the best sext messages in the whole school. I would like you to love me, baby and I think I will be a good dad. I will be a good pilot too just like Sully Sullivan but first I will drop out of school and work in a cardboard factory so I can buy you toys. I’m saving up my pocket money now to buy you a buggy. It might take a while, but you don’t seem to mind yet. Your mummy is taking church classes so she can learn some morals. When I am 16 we can rent a flat and all move in together. Two proper ladies came yesterday and asked a lot of questions and then they said they wouldn’t take you away yet so I guess that means I passed the daddy test. I don’t know much about anything but I will teach you when I learn stuff, like how to kill a bear. My mum is yelling for me to finish my chores so I will stop writing now. But remember that I love you forever and I will share my candy too.

Hugs and kisses,

Daddy Alfie


  1. This is very funny, Beth. Keep up the good work, and hopefully your next article isn't about babies. Maybe it's a sign that your biological clock is ticking at double speed.

  2. Jake, she's just letting the OYIT world know what happens when you don't arrest kids for sexting.

    A tip of the hat to you Beth.

  3. With all those hats you're tipping, you're a regular Mayim Bialik.

  4. What an articulate young gentleman! He will make a great father.

  5. i wish my parents had conceived me in such a touching and loving way. this kid's got a future!
    nice job beth!


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