Hi Katy [2-02-09]

By Katy

Welcome to the second issue of Hi Katy! This baby was a little difficult for me; some real tough questions. Nevertheless, a true advice columnist can be stopped by nothing, and continually blow the faces off everyone with brilliant declarations. You're in luck, because I'm that columnist. Enjoy!

Hi Katy,

I moved to a new town and don't have any friends. I thought it would be easy to make friends because I'm pretty cool, but everyone in this town likes to do cocaine. How do i make friends that aren't cokeheads?

Hi Mile-High,

My immediate response would be to befriend the methheads (they'll clean your home for three straight days) but I'm joshing, of course! You need to seriously consider two things: cats and dolls. If you have five cats and a doll collection, you won't need any other friends. Get on eBay immediately and start stockpiling porcelain and rag dolls. Be sure to bid on a few outfits, and make sure they're large enough to fit the cats, too! Stroll down to your local humane society and, assuming it's not a front for a coke warehouse, adopt you some kitties. In no time you'll be having tea parties and watching zombie movie marathons with dozens of your very best pals.

Hi Katy,

I recently started dating a boy who is very Christian. I am an atheist. Can we make it work?

-Godless Gal
Hi Godless,


HI Katy,

I suspect that my husband of 5 years might be cheating on me. I found a red lacy pair of underwear in the back of his car, but when I confronted him about it, he got angry and said that he had bought them as an anniversary present for me. I apologized to him, but then our anniversary came and went and he didn't give me the underwear. Instead he gave me a three pack of top control pantyhose and an ab-glider. Is he trying to send me a message or did I ruin his first gift idea?

-Possibly needing a divorce.
Hi Divorce,

There's a lot to go over here. First, let me say that an ab glider and control-top pantyhose are not only outdated, but horrible anniversary presents if you didn't request them. Your assertion that your husband may be cheating on you seems it may hold some validity. However, let's examine another possibility.

What if those saucy, red panties weren't for you or a side slice of honey pie? Maybe, and just maybe, they're your husband's. Have you noticed any other oddities around the home? Does your lipstick disappear for days without explanation? Do you notice less of your husbands socks and more of your stockings in the laundry? Perhaps sporadically your hubby comes home with one, or both ears pierced? You can see what I'm getting at.

You're probably upset now (women often become emotional when faced with controversy). It doesn't mean he's gay or a freak; he merely enjoys dressing as a woman. Just calmly and rationally approach the subject: let him know it's okay (unless it's not) and remember… the bright side is he probably bought the ab glider and control-top pantyhose so he could stealthily borrow them!

Hi Katy,

I go to college, but I'd like to not be going to college. The thing is, after I drop out, I won't get any help from my parents, which means I won't be able to afford COSMOgirl or food anymore. As a way to get money for these things, would you recommend selling myself on the street or selling drugs out of my soon-to-be former apartment?

-Confused at 19
Hi Confused,

How can you be worrying about little things like prostitution and drug peddling when you're planning to drop out of college?!

College is the single most important thing you'll do with your life. Ever. It's about the book learning, the knowledge. CosmoGirl can only teach you so much about real life and sex. College is where you experience it. (By the way, you're 19 now and it's time to subscribe to Cosmopolitan.)

If you're worried about buying food now, wait 'til you're livin' it up as the degree-less pancake flipper at IHOP. The upside is you won't have to worry about sex with a classy job like that.

I may have been too curt when I responded to the earlier question from Godless Gal. I was hoping to avoid such a sensitive subject, but that's the job I signed on for. Let me give it another shot.

Hi Katy,

I recently started dating a boy who is very Christian. I am an atheist. Can we make it work?
-Godless Gal
Hi Godless,

Here's the main thing. You did write that he was very Christian. Now, it is not my opinion that all Christians are pompous and blowhardy, just my observation. Even if this boy accepts your atheism and feels no need to change or convert you otherwise, the choices ahead are still filled with opposition and discord.

Allow me to offer some examples.

You go home to meet the fam for Christmas. Do you go to the Christmas Eve service or forego? Wanna get married? Wanna get married in a church? Babies. To baptize or not to baptize? Jesus would.

You may be thinking, "Whooooa, Katy. This relationship just started and already you're baptizing little Alice!" Okay, dear. Sex. How about sex? In the Christian world, God hates sex pre-contract. It's not a personal choice, it's a hellfire sin.

In the end, it comes down to this: do you feel it's possible to build a relationship with a person whose entire life exemplar revolves around a fantasy novel filled with chauvinistic edicts and moral superiorities? A complete standard of living backed by little to no historic or scientific corroboration? Every fiber of a Christian's being is made up of the unyielding conviction of not only the existence of God, but the elimination of all diametrical thought. Can it work? Do you want it to work?

Hi Katy,
How can we guarantee that each of the 340 poor souls invited to our wedding will bring a sufficient monetary gift?

-Worried About Wedding
Hi Worried,

Unless you invited three-hundred-forty penniless hobos to your wedding, someone's got to be loaded. Hopefully, a few somebodies. Lucky for you, and money-hungry newlyweds across the nation, tradition has roped various money-making schemes into the reception. You just need to go big!

Let's start with something simple. Since you don't want to appear trashy, you probably set up an open bar. Trashy's the new glam. Don't tell your guests it's an open bar. You're going to have to win over the barstaff, but this is easily taken care of with a lap dance and a crisp $20 bill. Have them charge your guests for each and every drink they buy, then pocket the money. You'll be amazed how many family members are drunks, but with all that cash you won't care.

Also, you can take something as classy and timeless as "the dollar dance" and up the stakes. The Ten Dollar Dance. And not the entire dance - you'll need to squeeze three to four people in per song. Ten dolla bills, ya'll. Who can say "new Xbox 360?" You can, you just banked!

There are just a couple suggestions that can really add up in the end! Keep on counting, but do try to remember to have fun. Hopefully you're getting married to spend eternity and beyond with your special someone. If you find either of my suggestions distasteful or heartless, I felt the same way about your question.


  1. sister, you are way funnier than i give you credit for

  2. bravo. top notch. better than the last one, which was also great.

  3. Really good article. I'm sorry it took me so long to read it, even though I helped you post it. I don't agree with the answer to the first question, but the rest were great.

  4. You think she should go for the coke?

  5. That's what the cool kids do. Very helpful advice. Much more practical than Hi Ayatollah Sistani, fewer calls to arms (though not by much).

  6. see, i agree with the coke thing, in that mile-high should just jump on the white horse (is that heroin? who cares.)
    otherwise, great advice! i think i'll have to use some from the last one at my own matrimony ceremony someday.