Hi Katy - Issue VII

By Katy

This is yet another extra special edition of Hi Katy. For one, I decided to go with Roman numerals for the issue number, which are just cooler. Also, that opinion thing from last week took off to such a degree that this week I received an e-mail from someone under the impression they're my political ethics teacher requesting an essay. Also, before I start on the e-mail questions, I have a quick story to share that will illuminate some extremely important advice/common courtesy.

I was trying on bras yesterday and moments after I entered the dressing room, so did a mother and her (ten? eleven?)-year-old son. This was disturbing enough, but it gets worse. The following is a quick somewhat verbatim transcription of the following conversation between the two:

Woman: I don't really like this one
Little Boy: Why?
Woman: Well, they come in different... sizes and this just doesn't feel right. (give my reflection a slightly disturbed cock-eyed expression.)
Little Boy: I like it!
Woman: I'll think about it, (excited) oooo how about this one?
Little Boy: I like the blue.
Woman: yeah, this fits and lifts perfectly. (start whispering oh god, oh god, oh god, and covering my ears.)
Little Boy: I like the lace part on it. (I can only assume this is the point where the little boy got in some fondling, which is the point I put my hands in my palms and whispered please stop, please stop, please stop...)
Woman: Yeah, yeah I think I like this one a lot.
Little Boy: Yeah, I agree, I think you should get it. You're really pretty...

At this point, I grabbed everything that was mine and high-tailed it out of the dressing room. I tried to shake off the dirtiness of overhearing the conversation, but it was too painful. So, the moral of the story: don't be fucking gross.

Anyway, here's Hi Katy!

Hi Katy,

Everyday this annoying wench comes in and just starts yammering away about herself, or some other complaint of the day. I could handle it IF I only had to hear the story once, but she repeats the story loudly to everyone as they come in on their various shifts for the day. ARRRGGG! So, I have to hear her stories over and over and over. One brave, courageous person said something to her and she basically told them to f off! It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't so loud and moronic. But you can't help hearing her, and I fear someone on the other end of the phone might hear her, too. Management has been informed, but doesn't seem to care much about it. What's a girl to do?

-Fed Up in Fresno

Hi Fed Up,

I can sense you're clearly frustrated. I, myself, don't experience this problem as I'm close enough to my co-workers that they take up a more substantial portion of my will than my siblings. I can empathize, however. I used to work with this huge girl who was an even bigger liar. If she wasn't making up 3/4 of her life, she was indulging myself and several other employees with thong stories and anecdotes about her bikini top poppin' off. Ick. I don't even want to relive that. Luckily, I only saw her a few minutes here and there when she was relieving my shift. It sounds like you're stuck with this person for some lengthy span of time.

Unfortunately, employers can't let someone go based on their annoyance level (and can possibly pocket some extra cash based on their moronic level). It's a damn shame, but this is the country of opportunity, even for horrible people! Touchy subject though, this one. You want to be professional but you also want the problem to disappear. I would say your best courses of action would be a small verbal chit-chat or ignorance. You can attempt to come at the situation rationally and just explain that you'd rather not hear her speak for eight straight hours about herself. Most people have the mentality of elementary school children, so instead of taking this logical aspect she'll probably just get really offended and talk about it for a week. So, I would say ignore. Don't nod or smile or reply or approve of incessant ranting, simply ignore it.

Of course, most annoying people are also deeply stupid. If the above doesn't pan out with positive results, try vomiting. Yeah, that's right. Every time she opens her mouth to spew personal, boring-ass word vomit, you induce some serious yakking of your own right back at her. This really sends a message, plus it may cause said stupid girl to stay away from you and your stanky vomiting! That's ONE way to win a battle! (Note: this can cause damage to property and custodial hearts; suggest vomiting on her to avoid work property.)

The only other thing I can think to suggest is speak with human resources, if you have one (unless that was included in management). They'll probably just talk to the person and, while nothing really direct will come out of it, she might know you were the one that complained about her and she'll ignore you from that point on. Awesome! Problem solved.
Hi Katy,

I'm a middle-aged man and recently I've been finding myself attracted to much younger women. I know that I don't have much in common with them, but I'd still like to date one. I'm sure this is a midlife crisis. I just bought a motorcycle last week, hopefully that will help me attract younger women (20-25). Do you have any tips?

-Middle-Aged Motorcyclist

Hi Middle-Aged,

I salute you sir. There's nothing wrong with wanting to date younger women--most of them want to date older men! There's speculation within evolutionary theory that because men can keep makin' babies well into old age (and ladies get all dried up by sixty) they gravitate towards youth and beauty in their women. Women in turn gravitate towards a man who has his life together (ie. house, job, steady income, ability to provide, etc). This is very rarely a 21-year-old. Young women and older men are made for each other.

Tip: Lose the motorcycle. How cliche is a freaking motorcycle? True, there are a few girls who still go for it, but, for the most part, it's just cheesy and passe. However, a nice car will never go out of style. Trade in your two-wheels for a four-wheeled beauty. I suggest a '78 Corvette. I'll date you.

Be honest that you're looking for a younger woman. That should help skip the inevitable arguments about why you hooked up in the first place, plus it'll start the relationship with a much needed fresh breath of honesty. While I think online dating sites are stupid, I use several for sociological studies and advice gathering forums--give it a shot! If you bank anything worth wild, I'd suggest a sugar daddy/sugar baby site. True, you'll have to keep your little one in cash money, but you also can hold that over her. When you want the relationship to end, stop giving it out. Finally, read Marcel Proust or J.K. Rowling. Younger women always want mature, older men and being well read can help with that illusion. Hope ya find a good one!
Hi Katy,

I ordered a pizza from Dominoes over an hour ago and still no pizza. I called them and they said the driver was out on delivery and it should be here in 30 minutes. I'm getting worried, should I call the police and file a missing persons report?

-Paranoid Pizza Eater (hopefully)

Hi Paranoid,

I think I received your e-mail on Wednesday and seeing how this column will post on Monday, I can only hope you've eaten since this travesty. I'm truly touched that your concern is with the pizza delivery person. I spent the better years of my life as a pizza delivery gal and I can tell you straight up people don't give a rat's ass about their safety. (That's for you jerks that ordered food for delivery, during severe winter weather, because you don't want to brave the dangerous roads to pick it up yourself and then stiff the driver.)

Because so many days have passed, I'm sure you either received your pizza, or Dominoes/the driver's family file a missing persons report. In the future, to avoid ensuing delivery troubles, make your own pizza. It's cheaper, tastier, and you can feel proud of yourself for devouring your own creation. Plus, you won't have to lose years of your life shedding worry for the nice people that bring you your food.
Hi Katy,

If we needed a new Supreme Court justice, and were forced to choose a TV judge as the replacement (due to a catastrophic and rare plague wiping out all qualified candidates) who would you choose and why? Would Judge Joe Brown be able to keep his political agenda out of our SCOTUS? (After naming your selection, please list how you think they would have ruled on classic SCOTUS cases in American history.)

-Daytime TV Watcher

Hi Daytime,

Judge Judy Schelin is the obvious answer. She's been in the legal world for like...ever. She passed the bar in 1965, became a judge in the 1980's, and she's been captivating audiences since 1996! Judge Joe Brown wouldn't even be a blimp on the radar screen without her and as for ethical dilemmas, I'm fairly sure Ive seen him hit on defendants on numerous occasions. People love this woman and catastrophic plague or no, she's extremely qualified to reside over our country's most important cases.

Without giving me a set few cases you wanted an answer to, I picked a few of my own. I mean, there are a lot of cases, so real quick, here's a few:

  • Tinker v. Des Moines School District (1969): I'm fairly certain Judy would have stayed within the ruling on this one. The school was being particularly ridiculous and in clear violation of the student's first amendment rights. To claim solid color armbands cause social disturbances is ludicrous and Judge Judy does not put up with ludicrousness.

  • Miranda v. Arizona (1966): I don't think Judy would buy Ernesto Miranda's "I didn't know I was being arrested" shit-- not for one minute. She's very into common sense and while this may be far from Ignorantia juris non escusat, I'm going to go ahead and throw it in there. Since when do confessions without an arrest negate the confession? People not under arrest confess and are THEN arrested on CSI all the time without a problem. Who needs some silly paragraph telling us of our rights? Go learn your rights, moron.

  • Falvo v. Owasso Independent School District (2002):You don't want your other kids seeing the crappy scores your kids get on their homework? Have smarter kids. Again, Judge Judy is staying in favor of Owasso on this one.

  • Dred Scott v. Sanford (1857): I'd like to say in my soul that Judge Judy would have found in favor of Dred Scott on this one, but it's pretty hard to gauge that decision in a completely different political and social climate that was then. First, Judy wouldn't be a judge and second, I feel something should be said for statute of limitations on this one. Seriously, Scott moved like twenty times in twenty years and then decided he wanted to be free. How lame. If he really wanted to be free, he would have wanted to be free all along. But Judge Judy doesn't see race and she loves everyone equally (as I do) and even in the midst of the times, she would have ruled in favor of Scott-- and we'd be miles ahead in our war on racism.
    Hi Katy,

    I recently attended a concert and I could smell marijuana smoke. I haven't smoked weed in over 10 years, and even then it was very rare. I didn't get a contact high or anything, but I was still pretty paranoid. My palms were sweating and I enjoyed the music a lot. Maybe somebody dosed me with pot. My problem is that I might have to take a drug test at work soon. Can you help me with some ways to pass a drug test?

    -Piss Test Pete

    Hi Pete,

    Or shall I say, Paranoid Petey? Hahaha. Ha. Ahhhh... there's really nothing to be worried about. How do you suppose you were dosed by pot without getting a contact high? Are you implying someone injected you with pot just to wet your palms? That's silly. Though, if true, at least you enjoyed the concert a little more, right?

    As long as you keep in liquids (and pop a niacin or two) you're going to be fine. If anything, the test will come back cloudy in which case some places will let you retake it. Whatever you do, don't do any drugs between now and then. I know that seems like a common sense answer, but I've dealt with a lot of stupid people in my time and just want you to keep that little tidbit in mind.
    Hi Katy,

    I am getting married very soon to a terrific man, and I was very comfortable and sure about my decision to spend the rest of my life with him, until I came across an ad in Southern Living magazine that said, "You're ready to marry him. But, are you ready for his taste in stemware?" It was then that I realized I was, in fact, NOT ready for the, no doubt, huge blowout argument that would ensure from any discussion on this subject. You see, I'm a classic long-stemmed wine glass kinda of girl, but my husband-to-be prefers the new-fangled stemless kind. What's a blushing bride-to-be to do?

    -Long-stemmed in Long Island

    Hi Long-stemmed,

    This is exactly the kind of thing I'm always going on about when it comes to couples. If you're not exactly alike, you'll never make it. That's not entirely true. One of you can just be very passive and the other can take over and you have yourself a perfect marriage. But it IS the little things that will inevitably leave you signing divorce papers so I'm glad you brought this up.

    First, I want you to consider this: how often do you drink wine? A lot of couples sit around fretting over types of wine and glasses and years and locations of make and whatever, and they don't even freaking drink the stuff. Bottles of wine will sit in dingy basements for years until one of the kids gets curious and has a go at it. Trust me, I've been there. If neither of you really care for wine that much, just accept whatever wine glasses you get at your wedding, and you will get several.

    Second, if you are a wine drinker, do you really only need one set? My parents have like...hundreds of wine glasses. I'm not kidding. Hundreds! I think they forgot they even forgot they were winos and now the glasses are just for decorations. There's a twist for you! Maybe after you get enough sets of long-stemmed glasses, hubby will come around to seeing things your way.

    Finally, show your fiancee this article. Seriously, don't say a word, just set it down in front of him, point, and wait to gauge his reaction. If he looks up at your with sudden concern it's over. It's not worth the argument, it's just over. That look means this is a big deal to him. There's no compromise in that look, even with a thousand different wine glasses. Hopefully you do this in time to get back your deposits! On the other hand, if he just giggles and cracks open a frosty beer you can sleep well knowing you have nothing to worry about. Good luck.


    1. Another great Hi Katy. I enjoyed the uncomfortable anecdote.

    2. Judge Judy would yell at Antonin Scalia until his ears bled. Good pick!

    3. I would lean towards Judge Wapner if the old man is still alive. That man's jowls alone could strike fear in to the heart of anyone.