Hi Katy - Issue XI

By Katy

It has certainly been a long week, hasn't it friends? And it's only Wednesday! Well, one great thing about my life now is that I inadvertently discovered the book that is saving my life, one awkward context clue at a time. I talk much more about it later, but I wanted to give you the head's up as to why I'm more than my usual inspirational self. It's now about action AND inaction. You'll understand in the end.

Hi Katy-
I recently ended a six month vow of celibacy. I don't want to get into the details of why I took it but it's over now. I'm dating a really great guy now and we've started to have sex again--or as he calls it "making love." My question has to do with the best form of birth control. Do we need to use a different form depending on if we have sex or make love? I'd like something that won't affect my body at all but also won't interrupt intercourse the way condoms, a ringing alarm and withdrawal do. Talk to me!
-Considering Contraception
Hi Contraception-
I've been staring at this question for forty-five minutes and I just don't know where to start. I have initial thoughts, but the many answer I could give seem oh so obvious.

For example... it's called "the pill" and it's been around a lot longer than six months. In fact, not much has changed at all in the last six months except we learned that Yaz will instantly kill you if you inhale oxygen while on it. While fears of the pill often turned to weight loss, there are several forms nowadays that have corrected that output. Awesome, right? Little known fact. Plus, the pill in most of its varying forms is pretty cheep and mostly sufficient. I have no idea what you mean by ringing alarm, but if anything I can only assume you mean a reminder to tell you to take your pill. Well, get over it. Some times life requires a little work. Put your pills by your toothbrush and take one every morning when you wake up. This will also help you remember to brush your teeth. It really doesn't interrupt sex other than the possible side effect of not wanting to have any. The upside? You always want to make love. As long as you're happy always making love and abstaining from sex, you're good as gold.

While the pill is obvious, I assume you came to me for an alternative so I'm happy to offer one. You're a woman. Therefore, some part of your subconscious wants a baby. That means you want a baby, and what will keep you from getting pregnant more than being pregnant, am I right? You don't really need to mess with any preventative measures if you don't want to. You'll be happier and more complete once you have a child--so get going on that. Don't tell your boyfriend about it though, they tend to get touchy on that stuff. Once your little bundle-o-joy arrives just remind him it was created with love and now your lives together can really begin.
Hi Katy-
I'm about to go on a cruise with my husband of 39 years. We've been going on a lot of trips together in the last few years since he retired, including at least one other long term cruise. We don't really have lives independent of each other anymore; it's just him and me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. My question is, how can I get through a 3 week cruise where I'm trapped on a boat with someone I don't love anymore?
-Married Mary

Hi Mary-
I've been learning a lot about women, menstruation, and emotional turmoil lately. A few years ago I bought a medical procedures reference guide at a used book store. I finally cracked it open the other day and was thrilled to discover the misleading guide was actually about women. A Woman's Guide were the words hidden within the title page. I've been reading it a lot and it has changed my life for the better. Also, it's copyright 1948, so this is real classic knowledge we're talking about.

One passage I stumbled upon the other day really spells out your problem. It seems that at a certain age women commonly find themselves falling out of love with their one-and-onlys. Do not fret! The guide says this is just a phase and in a matter of a few weeks, once your emotions have had a change to regulate, you'll be just as in love as the day you baked him your first apple pie!

Until that day, grab your swim trunks and your flippy-floppies, drink up some Carlos Santana DVX, and climb you some buoys. You're on a boat!
Hi Katy-
I'm a 27-year-old woman. Due to the horrible economy I recently had to move back in with my parents. I'm going crazy being cooped up in the same house as them. How am I suppose to live my life with them always breathing down my neck and trying to impose a curfew on me. It's getting very frustrating but I don't have anywhere else to do.
-Pushy Parents

Hi Pushy-
It's not entirely fair to blame the entire economy for your failures. The economy is everyone's fault, but especially yours. Know why? You're moving in with your parents, which means some landlord out there is renting one less apartment, and you're blaming the economy, which is a tiresome tangent. I'm a single girl trying to make my way in a crumbling financial state and you don't see me whining to mommy and daddy.

But now, what to do? Stop being cooped up, for one. Curfew? Are you out partying on the town every night? Maybe you deserve a curfew. You should either be working or out desperately seeking employment. How else do you expect to get out of this situation? You're too old now for a man to come into the picture and gracefully sweep you off your feet. If you're not married by 24 you're basically out of luck. You'll have to wait for the kids who got married at eighteen to suffer their first divorce and remarry the spinsters. Now is the time to get to work and get yourself back on your OWN feet. Hop to, sister!
Hi Katy-
I am on a long drive to Texas from Rhode Island. My problem is that my tire blew out and I don't know how to change a flat. Could you walk me through it?
-Texas Tire

Hi Tire-

  • Call AAA, OnStar, or your insurance roadside assistance provider.
  • Wait.
  • Sip on some refreshing Evian.
  • Greet your savior, await your tire change, continue journey to Texas.
    Hi Katy-
    I think my girlfriend is faking her orgasms. Could you please tell me how to determine if she is and how to give her a real one?
    -G-spot Joe

    Hi Joe-
    The answer to both those questions is to simply ask her. Depending on the strength of your relationship, she may answer.

    Women have been faking orgasms since men have started caring about it. It's like a natural survival method we're all wired with. Frankly, it's easy. I suppose you could give her an at-hold lie detector test, but you'll need to wait until one is invented.

    Even though all women can fake an orgasm, they don't all achieve an actual one the same way. Again, ask her. If she doesn't give you helpful information you can always check the Internet and do a little guess and check until something sticks. Just don't find one affirmative action and stay with it forever, that's way boring.

    Hopefully she will help you, and together you can achieve your respective climaxes. Happy hunting, from me to you.
    Hi Katy-
    I'm a roofer in a small town and the recession hit me big. I know that weather has been pretty bad, but my stock portfolio is in the toilet. Hopefully when the weather clears up I can get back to business and start my savings back up. Until then, do you have any tips on how to spend less money on weekly activities like buying groceries and a cable alternative perhaps? Also, if you have any hot tips on the ponies please do tell.
    -Broke Roofer

    Hi Roofer-
    A small town roofer with a stock portfolio? You can't be a real person. The small town roofers I now have DUIs and cannabis seeds in their pockets. For the sake of answering your questions, I'll give you some credit for now.

    The best way to save money on groceries is to not eat. Usually a couple days before payday I try this method and it's not too shabby. The trick is to substitute coffee for the lack of food hitting your tummy. Coffee quells hunger and fills your stomach. When you do have cash for shopping, stick to the cheaper but healthier foods. Fruit and vegetables that are in season are delicious, filling, and versatile. Then you can stock up on your canned items, and if need be, create imaginative meals by combining them.

    My favorite cable alternative is real life, and you live in the heart of real life. Go. Live. People watching is more fun than four straight episodes of Who's The Boss? Frankly, what isn't? If you're really reaching for some at home down time you can read a book. Utilize your public library while they still exist. You can also check out videos, DVDs, and possibly musical compact discs. You can even use the Internet! A library is the poor man's best friend.

    I hope you're able to get back on your feet soon. No one's going to let a little economic fissure stop them from paying for a new roof. You'll be working and paying off court fees in no time!

    No time to waste! Get your excellent advice RIGHT HERE. Talk to me.


    1. Katy I liked your new style of writing but I didn't necessarily agree with all of the substance. I guess that's why it's "Hi Katy" and not "Hi Glenn."

    2. Oh, you're clearly referring to my new found place in life as a woman. Yeah, I was surprised to learn a lot of that.

    3. The economy is crumbling like the Twin Towers (or a really dry cookie) and you're busy pointing fingers. Katy, you need to be more compassionate to your readers.