Hi Katy - Issue XIII

By Katy



Welcome, welcome, welcome to April 22, 2009. It's a glorious day to shell out some advice and as always I'm thrilled to be the one here to do that for you. Let me just say that there's a time in the advice world where questions seem to become redundant. Like... I've totally already heard this before, and answered it too. But you know what? That's a shitty attitude. Everyone is different and telling everyone to break-up, while simple, isn't always what's best. I would be breaking my Adviser's Oath if I were to throw these questions away like prom night babies. So, if you start to feel like you've read this column before, prepare yourself for a onslaught of mental troughs. But first! Check out how happy this cat is!


Hi Katy,
With the recent economic turmoil my family has less money to spend on food. I cook all of our meals here at home, we never eat at the local Ponderosa, as much as my hubby might want to. Do you have any good tips for stretching those tight grocery dollars?
-Supermarket Sandy

Hi Sandy,
I don't think I've ever eaten at Ponderosa. Do they still exist?

Flash forward: I just took a few minutes to check out their website and yes, they exist, but the closest Ponderosa OR Bananza to me is over five hours away, so that dream is thoroughly crushed.

The most basic thing to remember when planning your shopping budget is you need to buy food that will last or can be used in several dishes. Just keeping a wide variety of herbs and seasonings in stock can make this a lot easier. We've become a society that thrives on the frozen pre-cooked meals and while these are handy, they're definitely not recession-friendly. If you buy something fresh, like lettuce, you can use that for salads, wraps, and sandwiches, but it doesn't keep too long. If you go for something like dried foods that you can pick up at your local grocery store, farmer's market, or Mennonite village you can use that stuff for a longer period of time. For example, I always keep dried onions in stock because I use them in almost everything and they last months longer than fresh onion, but they're just as tasty.

Every now and then we just don't have extra money for food. How can we? There's rent or mortgage, movie rentals, new release video games, Internet bills, gas, electric, car payments, car insurance, life insurance, house insurance, renter's insurance, cell phone insurance... we're really too concerned with being insured to insure our livelihood by eating an appropriate diet. What to do when the money runs out before grocery day? Soup kitchen. Throw on a few rags, start talking to four make-believe friends, and you'll fit right in and get a nutritious, though probably not delicious, free meal. I hope this helps.

Hi Katy,
My marriage is starting to fall apart. My husband seems more disinterested in me lately. He comes home and immediately goes to the basement to feed his fish and God knows what else and doesn't come up until he's ready for bed. I've tried doing a lot of different things, like dressing sexy and making candied apples. Nothing seems to work. Can you help me out Hi Katy?
-Married Mary

Hi Mary,
That is very sad. Love fades. It's depressing, but it happens. It's good to see that you've taken an initiative in hopes to resolving the issue, but it looks like you need to go a step further.

Clearly he's not responding well to the new, sexier, chefier you. Have you tried talking to him about what he wants? It's very possible that he too would like to spice the relationship up and add some sauce to your sex life. I think it's most likely in this case that he's harboring one or several sexual fetishes. It may just be that he's too ashamed to tell you. Let's do a little Fetish 101 so you can see what you're up against:

  • Apotemnophilia: This person is sexually aroused by having a part of their body amputated either by themselves or someone else. The memory of the amputation can serve to arouse them for years. It is the act of having an extremity amputated that is arousing; thus, they have to be awake during the process. (It might sound bizarre, but think how lucky will you be if it's this one? Cut off his arm and you'll be gettin' laid for the rest of the decade!)
  • Autassassinophilia: The person is sexually aroused by putting themselves in situations in which they may be killed. They really have to feel they are in danger in order to be sexually aroused. Unfortunately, many of them get killed in the process. (Well this could definitely have it's drawbacks, on the brightside, if he's killed you could collect on life insurance and escape a messy divorce)
  • Formicophilia: Sexual arousal is caused by having insects crawl on their genitals. (Yak. I sincerely hope this isn't our winner.)
  • Pictohilia: Watching X-rated films is sexually arousing. (Safe. Simple. And yaaawwwn. It's so , you'd easy already be doing it.)
  • Somnophilia: The person can only maintain sexual arousal while having sex with someone who is sleeping. If the person wakes up they loose interest. (DING DING DING! This could be our winner. No wonder he only emerges from the basement to join you in bed. This is awesome. You can sleep and he can get his and you don't have to waste your time being sexy anymore.)
  • Gynemimetophilia: A person who is sexually aroused by a female impersonator. (Just wanted to add one more for good luck. You could probably impersonate a female pretty decently.)

    Well I very much hope that that helped. Just show that you're open to whatever he's into and you may have a go at gettin' that marriage back on. Also, try moving the fish up to your bedroom so he can't hide down there to feed them anymore. Let me know how it goes and which fetish flies, I'm a sucker for a good sex story.

    (fetish names and definitions brought to you by http://www.thefetishlist.com/definitions.htm Enjoy.)

    Hi Katy,
    When I take a shower I can't help but have that classic scene from the movie Psycho run through my head. Sometimes I skip showering if I don't smell too bad just because I don't want to think about that. How can I deal with this ridiculous problem?
    -Sycho Shower

    Hi Shower,
    It's not a ridiculous problem. Showering is one of the most frightening tasks there are, where we're left at our most vulnerable. Let's just try some things to help with this.

    Have you watched Psycho in a while? I recently had a discussion about this (not the particularly quirky showering trend, but the movie itself) and it was decided that the shower scene really isn't frightening. It's something that scares you when you're small because it's like anything else. It gets blown out of proportion by the imagination of a child. Now that we're a little older and technology like visual and audio effects has advanced beyond our dreams, looking back at these classic scenes makes them almost comical. Give it another shot. Watch The Birds again, too, while you're at it.

    If that doesn't work, I would take to a bathroom redo. If you have a sheer, translucent shower curtain, it's got to go. It's too reflective of the scene, plus you can be alarmed by any number of shadows your fear leads you to perceive. I'd go for something really solid, personally. If you prefer to have a clear shower curtain so you can see that no one's coming after you, that's understandable of course. I just want you to know I had one also, but I felt exposed more often than safe. Next, make sure your bathroom door has three locks on it. Three. Excessive? Not if it means you're going to beat this terror. Finally, be aware of how you're behaving in the shower. Are you washing your hair slowly and seductively so that your silhouette appears murder-worthy? If you are, stop immediately and make shower time a little less saucy.

    Just give it a few tries and soon people will stop noticing you for your lingering stench and stop noticing you altogether! Win/win.

    Hi Katy,
    My girlfriend is always texting on her cellphone. I mean always. We could be eating dinner at a nice restaurant and there she is texting to God knows how. What am I supposed to do?
    -Theodore Text

    Hi Text,
    O.M.G. That is soooo annoying. In fact, it is up there amongst my greatest pet peeves. But what can be done about it? I've tried several ways to answer that exact question in my own life, and it's really about the other person wanting to change. Texting isn't just an easier social outlet, it's a way of life. It's an addiction just as serious as alcohol, meth, or anime.

    Texters usually start off pretty weary. They aren't sure about the new technology or what it means that they hold it in their hand. Not just their hand, though. It's new technology held in the hand of a number of people around the world, and they can instantly communicate with them without even an Internet connection. It's a powerful feeling. I have to admit, I do text quite often.

    Then what makes it an addiction? You can always tell the addicted texters from your run-of-the-mill cell phoners. Texters cannot stop. It doesn't matter if they're at a movie, dinner, their little sister's dance recital, the Pope's funeral (from which I received a text AND a picture), a congressional address, a classroom, or the side of their grandmomma's death bed, they are driven to keep up their end of the conversation. Once it's gotten this bad the textvos (text conversations) aren't even worth having anymore. It's basically:

    T1: im so tired
    T2: me 2 wat up?
    T1: gma is passin'
    T2: that sux :(
    T1: yea.
    T2: you should tweet that.
    T1: i did LOL
    T2: thats money
    T1: it is money
    T2: wats money?
    T1: wat do u mean?
    T2: LOL. idk.
    T1: juz txted kala
    T2: thats kewl. wat she say?
    T1: shes @ her sis dance thing
    T2: snorefest
    T1: gotta find a nurse, gma is chokin on sumthin.
    T2: LOL k. ttyl on facebook. im gonna text kala.
    T1: yea, unless gma dies LOL
    T2: LOL

    Reading that was worse than watching my grandma die. Can you imagine how lonely and pathetic your life must feel when you're a text addict? You need to her to get help. If you don't think you can do it alone, contact A&E and get those Intervention fellas to help you, but whatever you can do, this has got to stop now. It can't be passed on to your children and let's hope we can quash this before it spreads to you. Keep me posted (you can text me at katy@oneyearintexas.com, it's linked to my phone).

    Hi Katy,
    I have a report due on Top Gun tomorrow for my Fictitious Pilots class. Could you please describe the plot and some of the characters to help me out. I couldn't find any Cliff's notes on it.
    -Top Guy Tommy

    Hi Tommy,
    I can understand why you may be confused. See, lately here at Hi Katy I've been given the opportunity to open questions up a little more from advice to the spreading of general knowledge.

    Well let's get one thing understood between the two of us.

    I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL CHACHA.

    I am not here to do your homework. More importantly, I've never seen Top Gun nor have I ever wanted to. If you feel it's a movie worthy of a paper than you can take the time to watch it. I already have a very generous queue stacked up for people who want to hear my OPINION, not slide by college with a passing grade (btw Problem Child, I have not forsaken you). I am however forsaking you, Tommy. You have to earn your right to matter just like everyone else.

    Hi Katy,
    I'm a woman who absolutely loves baseball. None of my girlfriends like it because they say it's too boring. However, I think it's really entertaining and appreciate the competition involved. Should I try to ask my female friends to get more into the sport or should I just try to get into some more things that women like, such as the game croquet or waxing?
    -Baseball Barb

    Hi Barb,
    You absolutely do not have to compromise your likes based on the opinions of others. You know what? I like baseball, too. Not a lot, of course, but I have attended some exciting major league games live and had a quite good time.

    We're not always going to have everything in common with my friends. In fact, my friends hate almost everything that makes me happy and they let me know that on a semi-regular basis. One must accept who they are and their friends should accept it as well, but you need to be prepared to accept criticism for it.

    It doesn't hurt to take up an interest in croquet and waxing as well, if that's what your BFFs are into. Waxing can save time, that's why women like it so much. We're so busy doing everything little thing to look perfect that we have to cut corners SOMEWHERE and keeping our legs free from sharp objects is a sure winner.

    I guess all that matters in the end is that I like baseball. What more could you need than that? Remember that totally unfair way the Cubs beat the Cardinals on Friday? Life is tough.



    Keep sending me your problems and have a good week.
  • 5 comments:

    1. gr8 issue katy. and that smiling cat picture made my day!

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    2. Thank you for giving the what-it-is to that Top Gun motherfucker. And now I know what Chacha is!

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    3. Another great article, Katy. I particularly liked your list of fetishes and the text convo. I have never texted on a phone so it was like a peak into a world I have no knowledge of.

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    4. You should really go to Bonanza sometime. It has that right mediocre food quality that all Americans can agree is the best thing to shovel in to your stomach until you die.

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    5. Nick -- I stand corrected. The website forgot to mention that Bonanza on the other side of town. I've been too busy eating the delicious 3-day old food at Ryan's that I haven't even tried other tasteless buffets. Thanks for the tip, sir.

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