Ventriloquists: Satan's Puppeteers

By Jake 

Ever since I was a young child I have been afraid of two things: clowns and ventriloquist dummies. Yes, I am afraid of things that are designed to make you laugh. It's as reasonable as being afraid of Michael Winslow's glorious sound effects. Yet I don't hide when Police Academy 5: Mission Miami Beach comes on TBS. I change the channel, but I don't hide. And why was my TV tuned to TBS? Who has been messing with it?

Ventriloquism has been in the news a lot lately, mostly due to the "Yngwie Malmsteen of Puppet Comedy," Jeff Dunham. This man had a special on Comedy Central last holiday season that became the biggest hit the network has ever known. Ventriloquism has surpassed South Park's first season popularity. This was the single lowest moment in American History. It's worse than when that woman was raped in the apartment courtyard while all the tenants watched, yet nobody called 911.

Naturally, Comedy Central signed Jeff Dunham to do his very own puppet-based sketch comedy show that was sure to redefine the standards of comedy. After a very brief season (or possibly half season, since Comedy Central usually splits seasons in half with a long break between) the show was canceled. The only true explanation is that Jeff Dunham is an asshole and probably wanted too much money. I would love to believe that Comedy Central sobered up and realized that ventriloquism is the lowest form of entertainment. Comedy Central shows five hours of MAD TV a day, so they have no standards or sense of humor.

With Dunham off the airwaves will our children be able to live in a world where jalapeno puppets don't have to say "on a stick" ever five seconds? I doubt it. America is too eager to love something horrific and idiotic, which is why GW Bush got elected for a second term.

What can we do? People find Dunham funny. There is no accounting for people's taste, and their is no showing the light to these people. You're not going to sit them down with a George Carlin video and expect them to get all the non-puppet based humor. Seven dirty words you can't say on television? Give them seven words that are hard to say without moving your lips. Ventriloquism has infected our society like GRIDS infected the gay community in the early 80s. Now all we can do is avoid touching door knobs in hopes that we, too, won't be infected.

I started this group on Facebook in order to draw a line in the sand, so to speak, and show people which side I am on. Join the group if you hate Ventriloquism.

8 comments:

  1. i find ventriloquism incredibly sexy, actually. perhaps i'll start a rival FB group...

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  2. i watched 7ish minutes of his show once and it was so unfunny. the feed the children commercial that came on 2 minutes later was funnier. even MAD TV was funnier!!!

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  3. I like when you say mean things about people who DESERVE IT! like Jeff Dunham or blind people.

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  4. BTW what's with the fucking video ads on OYIT? It kind of makes me wish I was blind, or at least deaf because then I wouldn't have to hear these ads.

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  5. Thanks for writing this Jake, not enough can be done to rid the world of the scourge of Jeff Dunham. I have to confess though I hate Jeff Dunham I do NOT hate ventriloquism. I, like our friend, Confederate States of America, find ventriloquism sexually appealing.

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  6. Wasn't that woman murdered, not raped?

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  7. I think it's an urban legend, honestly.

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  8. Worse, they held me down and gay-married me!

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