It's Actually Been ONE YEAR in Texas

By Glenn 

In case you've been living under a rock, this week is the one year anniversary of One Year in Texas's internet birth. Like a real birth, the first article was covered in amniotic fluid and the website was given up for adoption. We took it as our own and have given it the best life possible. Now it's One Year old (no pun intended) and time to reflect about the monsters we have become.



Here are my favorite articles from the first year of One Year in Texas. Officially we call the year 2009 but in 33 years when OYIT is sacrificed for our sins, 2009 will be looked at as the first year of our civilization - our "Year Zero." Enjoy this recap of my favorite articles, much as the people of Cambodia enjoyed the stability the Khmer Rogue brought when they rolled into Phnom Penh thirty-five years ago.

Article: Hi Katy - Issue XV
Author: Katy
Favorite Line:
Hi Reid,
Your mom sounds like a truly awful person.

Katy told a reader his mom sounded like an awful person in the first line of her response! I love Hi Katy the most of anyone who reads this site, based on a Rasmussen poll that also had North Dakota's Republican Governor winning 72-28 against a generic Democrat in the US Senate race. In this particular column, she tells someone that she will never get over her fear and tells someone who has a Japanese fetish to send her an Asian baby. The cavalier yet compassionate attitude Katy brings to these columns makes me wish I had gone into psychology or counseling the way I was meant to. I'm so proud of Katy for writing this and even prouder of Reid for the dumb shit he wrote to Katy. He wrote it to her.

Article: Mailbag Volume 2 Issue 6
Authors: Jake and Glenn
Favorite line:
That article was written by Maddie, who hates things at a college level. I'm glad you enjoyed her article, as it was very helpful in planning my weekend. I was going to see Fast & Furious, but instead I put Bible verses as my Facebook status all weekend.

Don't be mad that I used an article I co-authored. My favorite line was written by Jake in response to a reader. Additionally I am furious at how underrated these Mailbag articles are. The last one was about as popular as Dick Cheney, even though it killed substantially less people. There was also a great reader email in this issue about a friend's cat dying in a car accident, where the reader stupidly clarifies that the cat wasn't driving. I'm so proud of the Mailbag for being funny and even more proud of our readers who write nasty things to us. They hate us.

Article: The Tragic Break-up of Zack and Kelly
Author: Jake
Favorite line:
Kelly confronts Zack. She calls him a jerk for playing their song. He says that it stopped being their song when she dumped him for "that jerk." She is furious. Zack doesn't even really know Jeff, and Kelly smacks him. I call this 'the smack heard 'round the world.' Zack slow danced with Kelly when he was dumped! Now all of a sudden he has a new girl and she gets to slap him. He's not even to dance with another girl to a song? This is the moment where I officially hate Kelly.

Jake says everything about these characters and this string of episodes that I always wanted to say but never had a website to say it on. When these episodes originally aired, the website internet didn't even exist. This was one of the longest articles OYIT ever published, but every single paragraph is entertaining to read. The only other thing I've read that was this long where every paragraph is funny was the Book of Mormon. I'm so proud of Jake for writing this and even prouder of John Updike for writing it. He wrote these episodes.

Article: Movies I Haven't Seen: Hotel for Dogs
Author: Bub
Favorite line:
We have been saying ‘never again’ since 1945. Hotel for Dogs barks it. But will this be just another dog whistle we are unable to hear?

I will literally never forget that line, the closing of this brilliant article. I'm the kind of guy who used to read the Arusha Accords over breakfast "when I was in college," so the numerous references to the Rwandan genocide spoke to me as much as Hotel for Rwanda did, or even the less glamorous Sometimes in April. This article was to me what Buffy the Vampire Slayer was to Katy or what the Dancing Itos were to millions of idiots in 1995. If that reference is too dated, replace it with something Andy Samberg did. I'm so proud of Bub for writing this and even prouder of those dogs who starred in it. They starred in it.

Article: When I Was Saved
Author: Maddie
Favorite line:
Today, my relationship with God can be best summed up by my relationship to Oprah: To some people, she means a lot, but to me, she's nothing more than a very famous person who I occasionally mock.

I almost didn't use that as a favorite line because it spoils the article to some degree (Maddie is never truly saved). The entire article chronicles the trials and tribulations of a young girl surrounded by obtuse and aggressive evangelicalism. I'm a little upset to hear about how cute and tan Max was, but eternally pleased to see Maddie converting her four year old daughter to Christianity. I mean cousin. I'm so proud of Maddie for rejecting religion and even prouder of her friends, who I have met as young women, for becoming religious zealots. They live their faith.

Article: Fish Pun of the Week
Author: Josh
Favorite line: n/a

I hated this article so much that I wanted to delete the entire website after reading it. Instead I just mocked it relentlessly and still make more references to it than my own christening, which happened for me at age 22. What is inherently funny about a fish pun? Nothing. Except when Jake makes them, which he can do as easily as I can name characters from Magic: The Gathering. I'm proud of Josh for writing something so hurtful to me but even prouder of Squid Rock for his album Devil Without a Cause. That's the best I can do.



Thanks for reading and I'll see you when I write my next article at our two year anniversary!

6 comments:

  1. LOL, that is the worst fish pun I've ever seen.

    This was a very funny article.

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  2. haha. gr8 recap glenn!!! also, jake: yours was gr8 too. this computer won't let me comment on it.

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  3. Maddie's When I was Saved article was originally on my best of list, so I'm glad Glenn included it.

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  4. This was a great recap. Thanks guys! Maybe we can do a three year anniversary post in January 2012.

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  5. Maybe for the fourth year anniversary.

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