Good Morning Sickness

By Glenn 

Good morning. For the past two days I have been battling a sore throat and congested head. Usually my head is congested with musical lyrics or John Kerry's vote totals from 2004 (broken down by demographic) but today it's snot. Thankfully my parents have a small, over the counter pharmacy and I've been taking enough Tylenol daytime tablets and Ketamine to calm any fever - or horse.

[I'm not sure why I've been on such a Ketamine kick lately. But I'll try to move onto MDMA references once the health care bill passes and it's legalized.]

Today's Weather
While I can still report weather in the Midwest, I emphasize that today was quite cold. It, like my last fertility test, dipped down into the single digits with enough wind to shake anyone's belief in monotheism.

I use this picture because it shows a person who is sick, but also a thermometer to indicate the cold temperatures outside. Having a head cold and strong headwinds blowing into your face is a recipe for the kind of existential crisis you see in this picture and James's last two Good Morning posts.

Today's Story About Yesterday
Yesterday I visited not one but TWO writers from this site. Both of them live in Iowa. Katy and I went to lunch at Perkins (her favorite restaurant and my favorite place for breakfast potatoes) in Cedar Rapids. Afterward we went to Bed Beth and Beyond (my favorite store and her favorite place for vacuum cleaners) where I purchased a G2 Swivel Sweeper for her as a present.

Katy's cat makes a lot of messes on the floor, so this gift should help her keep her apartment neat enough for when the social worker comes to make sure the pet adoption is going well. She preferred the vacuum over my other solution to the cat problem: euthanasia.

Another Equally Important Story About Yesterday
The other person I visited was James (who is a new writer to OYIT but a long time fan of the internet) in Iowa City. Iowa City has a lot to offer and we took advantage of it all, sitting in his apartment that stank of illicit drugs and even more illicit long distance relationships. Then we ate Ethiopian food at David's Place. "Why didn't you give James a gift too?!" you blurt out like someone who wants to sew discord amongst life long friends. Well I have a great answer to that fucking question: I did.

This webcam meant more to me than any person ever will, but I bequeathed it because my new Mac has one built in. Also, the webcam has become self aware and has begun to watch me when I do activities I'd rather not be broadcast. I hope James enjoys the camera and I recommend the rest of you look me up on Skype when you get one too. My name is "level5sexwizard." It's sexy AND a reference to Magic: The Gathering.

Today's Prediction
James and my strategy of intentionally dropping Magic: The Gathering cards on the ground in college classes or downtowns will be successful, but only because at the same time Katy's demonstration of her new vacuum is successful - cleaning up all of our cards from the ground and proving that the G2 can really swivel. James will use his new webcam to diagnose people's sicknesses via video, just like when Bill Frist correctly diagnosed Terri Schiavo of not being in a coma or correctly pronounced many cats as dead who were previously alive. RIP Bill Frist (Senate Majority Leader 2003-2007).


  1. gr8 oyit rel8ed stories! i can't w8 until next week when you can tell us all about bub and jake in chicago! and sorry about the morning sickness!! the good news in pregnancy only lasts 9 months. although the child will probably be around for the rest of your life :-/

  2. Hahah!! This was really great. It was a lol-machine. Much like Katy's vacuum, James webcam or Bill Frist's death chamber!!!

  3. This was a really good GM post. I liked when you talked about giving people things b/c it makes you sound like Santa Claus.

  4. I give gifts because I don't know how to give affection.

  5. Haha!! That's why I hit people!!!

  6. I'm a little offended that you portrayed my hospitality as suggesting we go to Perkins. You've hurt my pride.

    But the awesomeness of the G2 makes up for that. Lovely article, friend.

  7. hahaha. Loved this, Glenn. I'm taking my Magic cards to class today--I hope someone wants to help me pick them up. I recently got sick and diagnosed my own illness via webcam--I'm not as accurate if I look in a mirror.


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