Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIII]

By Katy 

Don't worry, I'm back now! I mean the real me; I was lost last week. Now that I've begun picking up the shattered remains of my life and dignity, I can now help you gather yours! There, there. Mama's home now and we're going to tackle this myriad of questions that lies before us.

Hi Katy,
I was thinking about getting circumcised because my wife is starting to get bored with our sex life. Should I just get a cock piercing instead?
-Cocky Carl

Hi Carl,

I'm sorry to hear that your wife finds your current penis situation to be nothing less than calamitous. That can't be particularly easy on your frail male ego. However, you should note that circumcision won't be particularly easy on your frail erogenous zone. I don't have a penis or anything, but I can only assume that shit smarts.

Specifically for this post, I took the time to read up on my circumcision information, a pastime I normally save for never. While there have been vast improvements in procedures and anesthesia, the results and aftermath still vary in terms of health benefits. In some cases, if not many cases, it seems circumcision can hurt your sex drive. So, I don't know that this is the best choice to get her moaning.

I do stand firmly behind your decision to get the cock piercing. I have heard nothing but good things from the one friend I know who experienced this sort of sexual pleasure. Plus, how badass are you if you can withstand a Prince Albert, right? The correct answer here is obvious. Don't cut, pierce.

Hi Katy,
I love popsicles there I said it! But when I eat popsicles my lips will often adapt the color of the popsicle. Don't even get me started on my teeth. So how do I balance my love of these frozen treats with my desire to be taken seriously as a 38 year old woman?
-Popsiclin' Penny

Hi Penny,

In this world there are aspects of our personalities we can proudly wear on our shoulder (or in our mouths, in your case) and some we cannot. It's perfectly okay for a 38-year-old woman to enjoy a popsicle every now and then, but I get the feeling your love goes beyond that.

For this reason, I'm going to have to urge you to keep the majority of your popsicle binging away from the public eye. I'm doing this for your own good, and the good of all. If you want to sit at home and discolor your lips and tongue 'til the world ends, I have no reason or will to stop you, but I will not okay this sort of behavior around children and peers.

Kids are very impressionable, and once they see how much fun it is to eat popsicles all the time, there will be a cavity epidemic like nothing this country has every seen. The entirety of the US will look at you as the woman to blame for this outrage. Your peers and fellow adults will look down on you in abhorrence and regret ever having known you. The state of our society will collapse as more and more people see this as a case of objectum sexuality and you become as controversial as gay marriage or Kirk Cameron. Juice and freezers all over the world will be destroyed, you'll be carried from your home and burned alive on a fiery jumble of popsicle sticks.

Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your adolescent behavior? I know America isn't.

hy katy
this is kitten from the other times. i have a q. wat do i do if i have a ? bout sex i wanna no. i no i can ask u but i wanna talk 2 my mommy bout it. wat do i say. hehe.
luv,
kitten

Hi kitten,

I think it's a very mature and respectable decision that you would choose to speak to your mother about your sex questions. I've only had one mother (that I'm keenly aware of) so I have to go off my personal experience with talking to her about sex and that is, don't.

But, I really want this to work for you, so I'll give you some tips:

Begin your conversation with "Mom, I'm not pregnant.": This tactic works best if you're not pregnant. Despite my refusal to talk to my mother about my sexual habits, whenever I was sad or angry or distant, I would get the good ol' are you pregnant? question thrown at me. If it's not true, then rule it out and save your mom's nerves.

Follow up your admission of an empty womb with some empathy: While she's looking at you in horror for beginning a conversation with "I'm not pregnant," quickly follow up by telling her this conversation isn't easy for you, and you're sure it isn't easy for her, but you want a close relationship with her and trust her above anyone else. (This will cause her to tear up at your love and understanding while momentarily distracting her from what you're about to lay down).

Know the question(s) you want to ask: It would be pretty awkward if after all this you're left staring at one another in silence. Once your mom recovers from your previous offerings of love, her mind will start racing, wondering what you're bringing to the conversation.

Ask broad questions: Rather than using a direct example or asking your mom how often she does your dad, try to keep it conversational, educational, and general enough that you get your answer, but don't add tension to the room by being crude. General question example: "what does it mean to get plowed?"

Mention your friends: By bringing up a broad situation with a friend or something like "I heard some kids in the hall talking about getting plowed" it reminds your mother that you are just at that age where these things are becoming more prevalent, and sets her mind at ease that her daughter isn't a big slut-bag freak.

Thank your mother: Once the silence in the room is so overbearing from all this plow talk, you should probably wrap it up. Thank your mother for listening, for offering her support and guidance, and remind her you're not pregnant. This will make her feel better for three minutes until the terror of her child having sex really sinks in. Don't worry; by that point you'll be comfortably seated at your computer, browsing ChatRoulette.

Best luck as always, kitten.

Hi Katy,
Will you marry me?
-Proposin' Pat

Hi Pat,

Regretfully, no.

I will marry you when Penny has the freedom, security, and backing of our country to marry her popsicles.