I Regret Buying an Ipad

By Omar 

Like you, I am not extremely handsome or intelligent. To get along in this world I have developed ways to make myself appear more attractive. While in the past I may have only dated women, that is only because so far no man will take me.

One of the "tricks" I have discovered in my life has been to buy expensive products that other sane and rational people would never get. Then I flaunt said product as to garner the attention I would otherwise not receive. This practice is the only reason that at 28 I am not a virgin. My first time was made possible by purchasing a FUBU book bag with a special compartment built-in for a baseball hat. Looking back, I'm not sure how it worked, but thank God it did!

Recently a new product came out by Apple called the Ipad. Somehow I was able to look beyond the menstruation jokes and decide that if I did not buy this product my life would forever be empty due to my grotesque appearance and lack of social networks. I knocked a couple of grandmothers over for their change and then charged them for protection money. Afterward, I was able to sell enough crack, bought with the old geezers' money to purchase an Ipad.

When I got it in the mail I absolutely flipped. I was so excited until I realized that I couldn't actually use it until I got a computer. A few more mugged elderlies later, my Ipad is up and running on my Mac Mini. While there are a few things I like about the Ipad (Netflix, Pandora, Pornhub, Installous), the negatives far outweigh the positives. For one, People are constantly stopping me on the street and asking if they can play with it. Now, don't get me wrong, I have been waiting my entire life for this very situation to happen to me. Sadly, the "it" in my dreams and the "it" they are referring to are completely different in size shape and ability to distribute liquids.

I now spend most of my time watching people play with my Ipad. The responses I get from people is uninspiring. It's as if everyone was given scripts, yet none were told that they are reading for the same part: obnoxious stranger #973. Each first asks if the device I am holding is an Ipad. Afterwards they say either, "Wow, what is that like, a big Ipod touch?" Usually I remark that yes it is a huge ipod touch just like their bathtub is just a small pond. Usually the person then starts to make a run for it with my Ipad. Luckily, Apple made an app for that, its called Ishoot. While it costs me a fraction of what the Ipad costs me, I find myself using this app more than I do my Ipad. Sadly, I have about four bodies on Ishoot with a few more accidental injuries that I'd rather not discuss, i.e Plaxico, and Cheddar Bob.

There may be a plethora of awesome things to do on the Ipad, the warrants I have received for my arrest does in no way make up for its good qualities. I just wish I knew somebody who would want to buy this from me. Do you know anyone?


  1. I guess I'm the only person who comments now. I liked this. If I didn't then I wouldn't have posted it. Omar is the only black writer on OYIT. Maybe the lack of comments on this is just whitey trying to keep him down.

  2. You shouldn't have posted this on the weekend @ Jake! This was great!! Whitey keeps people from commenting on my articles too!!!

  3. Thanks! I kinda like when whitey climbs up on top and works to hold me down. I don't know but something about that concept is just awesome to me!

  4. I like the article starts off with a pretty big assumption about our readers, and then proceeds by proving that assumption true.

    Every OYIT reader who comments on this article will receive a free iPad.

  5. I blog on this site to make myself more attractive to women.

  6. I can't wait to get my free Ipad. I'm going to sell it and buy a kindle and an ounce of kush!

  7. Thats what I have been trying to tell yall. The goal of an online site should be to get people to send us free stuff. Besides that there really isn't a reason to write. I hope Jake will share his kush. I plan on selling my free ipad for kush as well but i want to make my own version of hydro drops that just go in my eyes and at the same time prevent my eyes from getting dry!

  8. No Regrets here!!!
    I think the only regret will be is if you sell it, you wish you had not after you realize what everyone else is doing with it.

    aperture ipad sync

  9. photo sharing ipad was right. I do wish i had not sold it. :(

  10. also ipads, like all technological "gadgets" are made by wage slaves in China and other parts of the Asian continent.


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