Good Morning Employment

By Stephen 

I'm starting two new jobs this week and saying goodbye to the bittersweet banality of unemployment, for at least a few days. If I don't screw anything up this time, I will ideally be employed until the day I die. Thanks to baby-boomers, republicans, and corporate greed this dream will almost certainly come true!

Today's Frivolous Purchase

No matter your station in life, it feels great to crap in a toilet made of solid gold. True, to some this purchase may seem too frivolous. They are wrong! Gold is the 12th most precious substance on earth. Like a baby, this toilet is both an investment in the future and a great conversation-piece.

Today's Dream Job: Jesus

Best. Job. Ever. (No, I'm not talking about carpentry.) Not only is Jesus the son of God, he can breathe in space. How cool is that?!!

Today's Advice for the Unemployed

Write your favorite entrepreneur. After explaining your troubled background and the crushing desperation of unemployment, request a job as their assistant. Make it clear that you'd be comfortable assuming all duties in the event of their untimely death. End the email with "Or else!" and don't forget to attach your resume. If this doesn't get you hired, continue to send similar vaguely threatening messages. Eventually you will wind up with a job pressing license plates in prison.


  1. This was funny! I like that picture of Jesus because he looks like a blind man trying to find a basketball.

  2. When I came home to find Stephen had purchased that gold toilet I was incensed. Then I used it.

  3. One of Jesus' lesser miracles WAS helping a blind man find a basketball. That is just a pic of him reenacting the story.

  4. Stephen, I hope these jobs keep you hovering above the poverty line for years to come!

  5. i am SO pissed you bought that toilet!

  6. Haha! That picture rivals the 'Jesus walks with dinos' picture as my favorite on OYIT!!!

  7. i'll be implementing your strategy for the unemployed in november...