Tips for Staying Cool

By Jake 

The air hangs cool and dry, but with a choking sputter the house swelters. Now it is thick with humidity. The air conditioner has broke. While daydreams of suicide run through your head, you ought to stop and consider this: there are other ways to "beat the heat."

One's first instinct might be to take a dip in a pool. There are certainly worse ways one can cool down (setting yourself on fire, turning the heat on, eating an entire thermos of soup, etc.). Pools can be fun, or if you are Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee, a catalyst to the worst birthday in your son's life. If you have children or are a child, I suggest having a life guard overseeing all pool activity. If you are frugal, you do not have to hire a professional.

Another good way to chill out is indulging in an ice-cold treat. Ice cream is the old standard, but a freeze pop is a great affordable alternative to keep cool and succumb to diabetes. Still hot? Try substituting something cold for something hot. Perhaps a lemonade would quench your thirst as well as that piping hot cup of green tea. Instead of pouring hot fudge on your sundae, try using cold fudge. Instead of roasting marshmallows for s'mores, freeze some. A lot of these are just common sense.

Try listening to some cool music. The icy sounds of John Tesh would be perfect. Although, there is no way better to enjoy a Tesh album than inside a 70 degree house on a 90 degree day. Perhaps hearing a Tesh album will give you the illusion of sitting in a frosty house. Stay away from bands and groups that give you the illusion of heat, like 98 degrees and The Hot Boys.

Have a water gun fight with the neighbor hood children. A water fight mixes wetness with simulated murder. Much like chocolate and peanut butter or Drano and your depressed aunt's stomach, this is a dynamite combination. Here are a few tips for water fighting:
1) If you're using water balloons fill them up before the battle.
2) Stick to the hose. It has incredible stopping power and never runs out of "ammo."
3) Don't drink the water, just spray it on the neighborhood tuffs.

There are literally millions of ways to keep cool in a house without the glorious benefit of air conditioning, but I do not have the time to list them all. I would be here for years! Instead use these few tips as a guideline, add your own tips, write them down, cut each tip out and place them in a hat. Now take turns drawing tips and see what beats the heat. That is just a suggestion.


  1. Haha, thanks Jake! I knew my John Tesh collection would come in handy one day.

  2. I'm sorry but I still need air conditioning. It's just too hot otherwise. But I will at least stop listening to HOT HOT HEAT.

  3. gr8 tips, but WHY can't we drink water from the hose?? is this nazi germany or communist china? obama's america is even starker than i imagined.

  4. Nobody is telling you that you can't drink water from any vessel you choose.

  5. Try listening to John Tesh's family themed radio hour! Really, try it!! And while you're at it, name the first million ways to keep cool in a house without a/c, I don't know any!!!

  6. Fans are the best way. Being nude is the second best.