The Miracle of Birth

By Kaleena 

I am sorry I already misled you. This is not about the miracle of birth. Mainly because it is not a miracle. I can't tell you how easy it seems to get with child. Unless you were born without a uterus. Then it is pretty miraculous.

Instead, I notice lately that there are too many kids in the world. I mean way too many. Everytime I see anyone walking into my place of work with more than 1/2 a child (babies are not full children) I think "damn, that's too many kids".

So to prove my point I decided to not have a kid. This is how I did it.

First, I went and got pregnant. Then, when the baby was born I said "okay baby, I cannot have you" so I started to give it to the friendly bag lady I met at the South Side Peoria bus terminal. She had the biggest locker at the bus terminal I'd ever seen and I thought it would be perfect for this particular baby.

Much to my surprise, baby was having none of this. It started to cry and give me it's sad little "puppy dog face" (which I think it was an impression of a bulldog face because it was all scrunched up and not that cute). I tried to explain; "Listen baby, I cannot have you. Parents can not have their own children because one day you will grow up and resent me until you're about 30. Then you will start to realize I am amazing but by then I will be sick of your resentment and you will have to deal with life with the loads of information you learned from the bartenders and john's mommy surrounded herself with."

Well, baby would not understand. So I apologized to the bus terminal lady as she'd really been looking forward to getting rid of the real-life doll she stole from a junior-high student and embarked on baby's life of adventures!

We did all the normal things babies love to do. We camped, rented a paddle boat, talked about the crush baby had on the nurse who delivered it (THIS was an awkward conversation) and finally made smores before baby put me to sleep with it's fantastical stories from inside the womb.Not miraculous stories mind you - just really cool from an in utero point of view.

I realized I liked having baby around. Baby was cool. Baby didn't judge me even when baby found me lying in a pool of my own vomit from a relapse. Baby nursed me back to health.

One day, I came home to find baby sitting on the front porch with a newsman's hat on and a plaid suitcase. I thought we were going on a trip. We were not.

"Listen mom" said baby. "I can't help you anymore.You've done a lot to and for me and for that I am both grateful and resentful. However, I feel it's time for me to spread my wings and fly off. I am crawling on my own now so I only feel it fair to go our separate ways before I start to walk and get real human feelngs."

I was sad, but baby made a point. We hugged, exchanged information and I watched baby ride off in a cab that it had hailed all by itself.

So as you can see, this birth was far from a miracle as are all births. I got knocked up pretty easily so that is the moral I want you to take from this.

I hope I have helped some of you lost souls out there. Thank you.


  1. I am going to use this article to get your committed, Kal!

  2. I think I should adopt? But am not sure after reading this>>? I think that was the point??>>

  3. This makes me wish I had been born, not created in a lab by rogue scientists.